NEVER SAY NEVER
Disclaimer: I don't own anything!
Author's Note: This is my first FanFic, so I would love to have feedback.
Timeline: This takes place when Harm and Mac are in Paraguay. The story kicks off right after Mac says 'never' to Harm.
(Mac has just said the one word Harm thought he would not ever hear from her, 'never.' She is walking towards the car and away from him.)
He grabs her hand to stop her from walking away from him.
"Mac?"
She looks over her shoulder at him. He moves closer to her until he is only a few inches away from her lips, and her heart stops.
He pleads with her, "Say it again. If you really meant it, just say it again."
She can't hold it together any longer and tears fill her eyes and begin rolling down her face. He cups her face in his hand and wipes away her tears. Leaving a trail of kisses on her cheek where the tears had fallen. She leans her face into his touch, longing to take away the words she had spoken.
"Do you want to stay another night and try again to have that talk we promised to have?"
She shakes her head "yes," and does not dare to lose the eye contact that they hold. They walked hand in hand back towards the hotel. Harm left her hesitantly to talk to the front desk. When he came back to her with key in hand, reality set in for both of them. There was no turning back. They came to their room, and Harm fiddled with the key. Mac standing behind him could feel her body shaking. He opened the door for her and guided her into the room, his touch rendering her speechless. She gathered her self onto the couch and waited for him to start, but for what seemed like forever he just stood there looking out the window.
"I don't know where to start"…. She looked up at him, but he didn't seem like he was even listening…."Harm?"
He looked up at her and she could see tears in his eyes. Her heart broke for them both. They had wasted so much time already. It needed to end now. She got up and walked to him. She wrapped her arms around him, and he sank into her warmth.
"Harm, I….I'm….I'm so sorry." He could just barely hear her words through her crying. "I didn't mean what I said, and for Webb. I just…."
"Mac, you don't need to be sorry. All of this is my fault. I never should have let you leave in the first place. I….didn't want you to leave Washington, I didn't want you to leave….me."
At his revelation she relaxed into his arms and buried her head in his shoulder.
"Sarah?"
She looked up at him with tears once again rolling down her face and he took a deep breath.
"I don't want to live without you. I never have. I want to be near you every moment of every day. I have been such a fool. I pushed you to Brumby and now I am doing the same damn thing with Webb. The truth is that"…..She knew that everything he was revealing was hard for him to do. He was, like her, very guarded with his feelings… "I'm just afraid," with those words he released her and walked to the bed to sit down.
"And you think I'm not?"She said in a defensive tone. "Harm, I screw up everything that I come in contact with. You said it yourself last night! You are the most important thing in the world to me. My best friend, and the only person I have ever completely trusted and l…well, Loved."
He looked up at her and sighed with relief. She walked over to him and sat next to him on the bed. He squatted in front of her and took her hands in his.
"You are not a screw-up, Sarah Mackenzie. You are the strongest and most beautiful woman I have ever known. You make me want things I thought were never possible. And you inspire me even when I have given up hope. You make me a better man, Mac. And, I love you, more than anything or anyone. I want to spend the rest of my life showing you and proving that to you."
"Harm…..I Love You, too. I always have. Always will. You are kind of hard to get over."
They both laughed through their tears. Once the words had been spoken it was like the weight of the world had been lifted from their shoulders. He took her in his arms and just held her for the longest time. For the first time in a long time, they were at peace. His arms comforted her in ways only he could. She closed her eyes and took in the beauty of the moment.
"Mac?"
She opened her eyes and stared into his.
"I love you," he said.
Before she could respond he lowered his lips to hers. He kissed her in a way that neither of them had ever experienced. It was with passion and longing, but it was gentle. She could feel their love radiating through the kiss. She had never known anything like this, but she knew that it was because the only man she could ever truly love was finally holding her in his arms. They let go of everything that had ever held them back and threw themselves into the one moment that changed their lives.
"I want hold you forever, Sarah. I want for you to feel how much I love you in every touch and in every kiss."
She just lay there and stared at him. She marveled at how much she loved him and how he knew just how to make her heart beat faster. She leaned in for a slow and lingering kiss, but all at once the doubt flooded back to her mind. She left his arms and went to the window.
"Mac? What's wrong?"
"I….don't want to mess this up."
"Sarah, I love you. Do you love me?"
"Of course I do."
"Then, let's just let go. Isn't that what you once asked me to do? We have tried it apart for a long time, and neither one of us were happy. We couldn't move on with anyone else because we held on to each other. We have come so far tonight. I can't lose you now. So, do you trust me?"
"With my life….and my love."
He leaned into her and kissed her passionately, leaving her head spinning.
Breathlessly she said, "Make love to me, Harm."
He looked into her eyes for assurance, and then he scooped her up into his arms and carried her to bed with him. They made love until the sunlight shone through the window.
MORNING…………….
She lay in his arms still exhausted from the night before, but she couldn't possibly sleep. She was finally where she wanted to be. Her thoughts were interrupted by his stirring.
"Hey."
He flashed one of his signature grins.
"Hey, yourself."
She laid her head back on his chest.
"Mac, Have I told you lately that I love you?"
She was still in awe at how open they were being.
"Yes, I think you have."
"Good."
He closed his eyes and felt relieved at the fact that they didn't have to hide their feelings any longer.
"Harm? I want for us to talk about everything that has happened over the years. You know Sydney, Brumby, Webb, and all the stuff like that. Would that be okay?"
He smiled at her. He never did have the ability to say no to her.
"I think that we should. Maybe it would help us to figure out went wrong, and then we can make sure we NEVER do any of that stuff again."
She laughed.
"I think that we have gotten over the biggest hurdle."
"Yea. We did."
"Harm, Thank You."
"For what?"
"Finally showing me what real love was, and for last night."
"Mac….."
"No, really." She sat up in bed because she wanted him to really understand what she was about to say. "I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, many of them involving men. But last night was, it was unlike anything I have ever experienced. Even if you never said 'I love you' again, I would know just by the way you touch me. I will never stop needing you, Harm."
"Well, it was new for me too. It wasn't just sex. We made love, Mac. It was a new experience for both of us. There is nothing like being with the one that you were made for. And I will never stop telling you 'I love you'."
They fell back into the comfort of each other's arms.
BACK IN WASHINGTON
When they grabbed their bags, she suddenly realized that they were in a whole new world now. She was afraid that everything would go back to the "old Washington ways." But as walked out of the airport, he took her hand in his and once again smiled his "flyboy" grin. He was determined not to lose her. He drove her to her apartment, but when he came around to open the door, he blocked her from getting out.
He looked very apprehensive. "Mac, how about you go grab some clothes? Maybe you could stay with me this weekend?"
It took all she could muster not to laugh at his apprehension.
"Why Harmon Rabb, is that worry I detect in you voice." She placed her hands on his shoulders and passed him as closely as she possibly could. She grazed his lips with hers and continued to the door of the building. Looking back over her shoulder she said, "You're just this way with me aren't you." He shook his head in agreement…."Besides, it took me eight years to make my way into your arms. I don't plan on ever spending another night out of them."
All he could do was laugh at the affect she had on him. He was finally in her heart, and she was in his.
She ran up to her apartment and grabbed enough clothes for the weekend; although, she hoped she wouldn't need them…..He sat patiently in the car. When she opened the car door, he could see her deep brown eyes glowing. He knew that not only was she happy, but all of this was meant to be. He had never felt so at ease about what the future held; he knew that they had a lot to figure out, but it would all be worth holding her in his arms. Even though their relationship had just taken the turn towards forever, he could not remember a time in his life when she wasn't the biggest part of it. They rode to the apartment in a comfortable silence. Mac couldn't help but occasionally glance over and give an irresistible smile. Harm took her hand in his, not being able to defy the urge to touch her. When they got to his apartment building, he ran around to open the door for her. No one had ever been such a gentleman to her, but oddly she knew it was second nature to him. Even with all of his arrogance and sarcasm, she had no doubt that he treated every woman he cared about with the utmost of respect. He put them up on a pedestal and treated them like a princess. He grabbed her bags and escorted her into the building. She had been to his apartment hundreds of times, but all of this felt so new. Once inside, she could hardly wait to wrap her arms around him. She jumped into his arms, wrapped her legs around his waist, and gave him a fiery and passion-filled kiss.
"Do you know how long I have wanted to be able to do that here?"
With his arms still fixed tightly around her, "Yeah, I think I have a pretty good idea."
"So, can I do that whenever and wherever I want now?"
"I am at your disposal." He said with a smile.
With that said and an alluring look given, he carried her to his bed where they made love once again.
A few hours later…..
"Sarah?" He said while wiping her hair out of her face.
When there was no answer, he knew that she had fallen sound to sleep. For a while he just lay there and took in the wonder in his arms. He marveled at her beauty, her sensuality, but most of all her strength. It amazed him that she is who she is. After all that has happened, she has become a woman that any family would be proud to call their own, but sadly she has no one.
"What are you doing?"
"Just being here with you. Is that okay?"
"Of course. But, you should have woken me up."
"No way would I pass up the chance to see you that peaceful."
She reached up and kissed him gently, "You seem to have that affect on me."
She continued, "I am so proud of us. Us like this, can you believe it?"
"I know. I have never been this happy."
Eventually, they reluctantly made their way into the living room. Mac curled up on the couch, while Harm grabbed them both some thing to drink. He came back over to her and took his place beside her, but she didn't think he was close enough. She climbed over into his lap, and she looked him dead in the eyes.
"Harm? Let's talk."
"Why ruin the moment?" A cynical smile on his face.
"Harm! You promised me!"
"Okay, shoot. Ask anything you want to know, but you have to answer the same question that you ask. It is only fair."
Thinking for a second, "When did you realize that you loved me?"
"The moment that you pulled me up onto that helicopter at Red Rock Mesa."
"No way. You still thought I was Dianne…."
He interrupted, "No Mac, I figured it out within the first few hours of being around you that you were nothing like her outside of the looks department."
"So that night at the shipyard…"
"I was seizing the opportunity."
"But you didn't fight me when I said you were kissing her?
"Mac, everything was still so new with us. Why would I risk it by trying to kick things off too soon?"
"That seems to be the story of our life!" Rolling her eyes.
"Ok, your turn."
"Well, I have never been one to believe in love at first sight, but there was something about the way you looked at me in that rose garden. You peaked my interest. But, for sure? It would have to be when you decided to leave JAG. I knew before then, but that was what sticks out in my mind as the "undeniable" admission of love."
"I wanted to stay with you. If you would have asked me, I would have given it up."
"Liar."
"No, really. " She shot him a look, but his endearing eyes convinced her that he was telling the truth.
"Did you know that I once told Sturgis that I loved you?"
"What!"
"I just blurted it out, but I made him promise to never mention it again."
"I bet threaten is a better word for it." He said laughing. "Remind me later to punch him for not telling me."
"Did you honestly not know?"
"I always hoped that you did. Then….that night on the Admiral's porch."
"I will never forget that night."
"Me either."
"I would have run away with you. If you would have grabbed my hand during the toasting, I would have asked questions later. I would have followed you anywhere!"
He played with her hands while he talked, "It took everything in me not to. I came to your apartment that night."
"Really?"
"It was like 2 am. As soon as I got there, I just sat in my car. Everything I had wanted to say to you just flew out of my mind."
"I wish that I would have known. "
"I just didn't know what to say, or how to say it. I kept thinking, 'Maybe she didn't mean the same things that I did.'"
"But, I did. I meant a thousand times more than what I said. All I wanted was to tell you to take me away from there. That I wanted to be marrying you, I wanted to have your kids, and to grow old with you. When I asked you what you wanted, I was hoping that you would tell me all of that."
"I tried my best to. I wanted you to see that in what I said, but once again the words got crossed. I went from suave attorney to love struck teen in a spilt second."
She laughed whole-heartedly."I'm the only one that does that to you. Right?"
"Exactly. But you know the thing I still don't understand? Why did you go to him so fast?"
"Actually, I am kind of hungry. Let's finish this later," she said as she started to get up.
Pulling her back down to him, "I don't think so Marine. All of this was your idea."
Letting out an frustrated sigh, she continued, "Two reasons."
"Well?"
"After we had our talk on Sydney Harbor, I just thought that you and I didn't want the same things. Every time I tried to picture my life, I saw you, our kids, and…."
"comfortable shoes."
She smiled at him, "Yeah, but all of that disappeared when you didn't want me anymore."
"That was never true, Sarah Mackenzie."
"Well that was the way I took it. So, when Mic offered me the world, I jumped at the chance. I knew that I would be giving up the chance to have real happiness, but at least I would have somebody. I did wait for you to do something about it. A long time actually. I kept thinking that one day I would wake up and you would be at my door."
"I thought about it, but if that was what you wanted then I wanted you to be happy. That was the most important thing."
"Even if that meant you would have to be unhappy?"
"Yeah." With his reply she brushed her lips against his and just looked deep into his blue eyes for a while.
"I love you. You are the first person in the world that put me before yourself."
"I love you, Mac. Nothing in the world could keep me from making you happy, at all costs. Now," placing a quick kiss on her forehead,"For reason number two."
"I did it to…"
"To make me jealous."
She gave him a coy smile, "Well, maybe just a little bit."
"Or maybe a lot. Like when you kissed him in that damn airport. I could only dream of knocking his lights out and throwing you over my shoulder. And, tossing that damn ring into the harbor."
"Whoa, there caveman."
"Well. You love making me jealous. You take pride in being the only woman alive that can make me act like that. Perfect example: You kissed Webb right after I had saved both of your lives."
"Harmon! I would never dream of doing anything like that! Besides, you made me mad," she said very sarcastically.
"How? I had only been there like five minutes."
"Exactly, you weren't even glad to see me. It was the perfect opportunity to tell me how you felt!"
"Oh, you mean in between gun shots. You are too much!"
"Well, you could have kissed me or something."
"Is that what you wanted?"
"Yes."
"And to prove that to me, you kiss Webb?"
"I wanted you to see what you were missing, and making you jealous wasn't so bad."
"It was bad for me! I had just…."he stopped himself.
"No go ahead. You gave up everything for me. I know, Harm."
"It is not something I want to bring up all of the time. It is not like that."
"I know that, too." She gave him a reassuring smile. "What you have done for me just makes me love you more. It shows me that I am first in your life, which is something I thought would never happen. I know that the Navy is the one of the biggest parts of your life, and I would never ask you to give that up. The fact that you put everything aside; well….it just gives me hope in 'us'."
"Then why did you say 'never'?"
She looked away from him.
"Mac, I'm sorry. Don't answer that."
"No, you deserve to know."
"Really, it is okay. If that is what it took to make me take my head out of my six then so be it. Even if it did hurt like hell for a few seconds."
"Unfortunately, that was the intention." She said at almost a whisper.
"What?"
"Harm, we almost died. For a while, there was a great possibility that we would never see each other again. But…I promised myself that if I did ever make it back to you then I would tell you how much you meant to me. The moment I saw you, I thanked God for another chance. And….when we were in that hotel room, I was trying so desperately to get you to open up to me. I needed to know that you wanted the same things that I did. I couldn't take a repeat of Sydney. All of that almost killed me. I wanted to be sure that if I handed you my heart, that you wouldn't break it again. But, we just kept digging into each other and saying all of those terrible things. I shut down, and I just didn't know how to move on from there. I took the fact that nothing happened as a sign that we should give up, and I wanted you to feel the pain that I was feeling. All I saw was that it didn't bother you that I was letting you go and that I wanted you so much and you didn't care. Then again, it was like a last chance. If you tried to fight me on it, then I knew you really did care. It's crazy…."
"No. Actually, for the first time I think I understand where you could rationalize all of that."
"You do?"
"Mac, do you want to know what I was thinking that night?"
"Yes."
"I didn't know what you wanted from me in Sydney or in that hotel room. Both times I just wanted to take you in my arms and kiss all of the pain away that anyone had ever caused you. We kept getting so close to breaking through, but then all I could think about was you kissing Clay. It is kind of funny, I kept telling myself that if I could just find you, then I would throw caution to the wind and carry you off into the sunset kicking and screaming if I had to. But….you made me so mad when you kissed him. I just thought that I was too late. All I could imagine was you in his arms, and that hurt."
"I'm sorry. I think part of the reason I kissed him was because I felt guilty."
"For what?"
"Every time they would take him, and I couldn't stop them. He cared for me enough to keep them from touching me. But….all I could do was think about you. I knew that you would do the same thing that he was doing, you would protect me at all costs."
"You know that I would never let anyone hurt you."
"And that is just it. I feel the same about you. I wouldn't have let you do that for me. Knowing that they were hurting you would have been too much for me. They might as well have taken me instead. But, I let them take Clay. I did try to stop him, but I know that I would have never let you endure that for me. I couldn't live knowing that they were hurting you because of me. He almost died for me, and all I could think about was how much I loved you, how much I missed you, how much I needed you." By now, tears are falling freely for both of them.
"You shouldn't feel guilty, Mac. It is natural to think about the people that you love when you are scared. But, they would have had to kill me before I ever let them get anywhere near you."
"I know."
"When I crashed, you were all that kept me alive. I kept focusing on you and thinking about what we were meant to have together."
"You did? I wish I would have known all of that."
"The point is we cling to what we love."
"When I would close my eyes and try to block out everything, I could feel your arms around me. You have always made me feel safe. Like no one in the world could ever hurt me again. Do you know how important that was and is to me? My life has been a constant struggle. I learned a long time ago that I shouldn't expect much out of life. That way I was never disappointed when everything fell apart."
"But…none of that matters anymore. We are here, together, now. We need to look ahead, and look past all of this. I love you. That is all that matters now. I want to love you, and marry you; I want you to be the mother of my children. We should live for tomorrow, instead of living in yesterday. We can take all that we have experienced, and learn from it. I plan on spending the rest of my life with you. If that's okay?"
"I want nothing more."
He leaned into her and kissed her. She broke the kiss to say, "I love you," but then proceeded to kiss him even deeper.
"Okay, Mac, I have a question for you."
"Hold on let me brace myself for this," she said with a weak smile.
"When did it hurt the most to love me? I mean, what point did I hurt you the most?"
Without hesitation she answered, "That night that Mic left and Renee was at your apartment. I needed you so much. That was one of the only times I felt like you weren't there for me. I know that is petty, but I wasn't thinking so much about Renee at that point. Then again, I felt bad that I came there expecting for us to move forward within the same hour that my fiancée left me. Mic was out of the picture, and after what you said on the phone, I let myself believe that was the night that everything would be made right."
"If I could have changed the way everything happened I would. Fate just stepped in that night. I wanted to leave her to deal with everything herself, but I couldn't do that."
"You are not that kind of man, and I respect you for that."
"I'm sorry."
She shook her head accepting his apology and fighting more tears in her eyes.
"Now, your turn."
"I don't know. I guess the second I noticed that ring on your finger."
"It was on the right hand," she said in a sarcastic tone.
"Still, how would you feel if the love of your life turned up wearing another man's ring?"
"Upset."
"It made things very confusing."
"How?"
"Well besides the obvious reasons, it made me rethink what you said on the ferry. I started to think that you were talking about a "short term" kind of thing."
"You thought I meant….like a one night stand?"
"Yea, you kind of left me no other option."
"How could you think that? Do you have that little respect in the kind of woman I am?" Now speaking in a very defensive tone.
"Mac that wasn't it at all and you know it. But you were offering me everything, and then you turn up with HIS ring on. It was all a bit misleading."
"You know it seems like….if we would have just communicated what we really, truly thought, we would have worked things out a long time ago. And I was not trying to just get you into bed."
Hugging her tightly he replied, "I know that."
"You obviously didn't. When have you ever known me to be like that? I mean when I was young—and drunk—I could see where you MIGHT think that, but now. I was trying to tell you that I loved you and you just…..uhhhhh."
"Hey, cool your motors ninja girl. All of that is in the past. I was mad at you, so my judgment was a little misconstrued. All I know is that you are wonderful. "
"You better. I still can't believe that you thought that."
"Mac, it is all over. It is in the past."
"That is easy for you to say. I didn't think that you were some prostitute offering herself to every man that walked by." Exasperated, she escaped his grasp and started to walk away.
"Mac!" He knew that he had opened a can of worms, but now he knew exactly how to fix it. He grabbed her arm before she could walk away. Harm pulled her into his arms and kissed her before she could protest anymore.
"Mac, we need to make a promise to each other. You and I need to just let go of everything that has happened before today. Can we do that?"
"We can try. I think a good start is by promising to 'never say never'."
"I like the sound of that."