I needed cheering up after the football tonight. So this came to me.
Disclaimer: I would of bought Manchester City out and then closed the club so Liverpool could win the league. But I don't own House so I can't perform my act of atrocity.
Enjoy!
"Right, I'm the wing man. Got it. I'll spike their drinks and drag them home so they can sleep with you." House got out of Wilson's car. He had been dragged here against his own free will.
"No spiking drinks, House!" Wilson grabbed his arm and led him into the bar.
"What if they want to, you know, molest me?" House whispered deviously.
"Well, you must be a hottie then. I would take it as a compliment for an old cripple." Wilson snorted. He led the way to the bar and grabbed a martini for himself and a larger for House.
The loud obnoxious music deafened him as he was surrounded by 30 odd dancing men. He craved to be in his usual dingy bar, sipping whiskey and chatting shit with the bar keep. But Wilson desperately needed action. A sex deprived Wilson was no fun. He just got crankier and more irritating than usual.
"So what about that one there? He looks like a good target."
"He's got a good ass on him but I don't know about the shirt. It's too 'look at me! I'm gay!'. Can't be dealing with that."
"Your shirt and tie combo isn't really working either. Your outfit screams 'closet gay who has a wife and two kids at home'. I don't think you can talk." House commented
"I had to come straight from work because, unlike you, I actually see my patients."
"Patients are boring. They just lie." House bounced back.
"Ooo that guy with the ripped body." Wilson spotted the man sitting at the end of the bar, nursing a bottle of bud. He wore a pair of black skinny jeans and a tight blue T-shirt that complemented his toned body.
"You know, I sometimes forget how gay you are. It must be the suit"
"I'm fabulous darling didn't you know." Wilson mocked and they both laughed. House turned his attention back to Mr Gym freak.
"Too much muscle." House shared. But Wilson disagreed as he stared straight at the mysterious mans abbs.
"Go fetch, Housey." Wilson clicked his fingers as he shouted in a high pitch voice. House grunted at Wilson and walked over to the man.
He leaned casually against the bar, music roaring in his ears.
"So, I've heard, on the grape vine, that your on the scene." House lured.
"Well, I was just sat here minding my own business until you gifted me with your presence."
"I am one amazing prize to bag."
"What makes you say that Mr ..."
"Doctor Grey and people can't stop fighting over me you know. It's my devilish charm." House mischievously smiled.
"Well Doctor Grey, it looks like I could have you all to myself. I don't usually talk to cripples but you're entertaining. So, what brings you here tonight? Looking for a bit of fun, shall we say." His voice was ruff but playful. He had obviously had a few to drink by his slightly slurred speech. But apart from that, you couldn't tell.
"I'm always looking for fun but I've got hookers on speed dial for that. But my friend over here" he gestured in Wilson's direction. "Has been out of the game for a while and needs a little TLC. He's an Oncologist you see so he doesn't get much fun. He has to save all the little bold children." The chap chuckled at House.
"Well, why isn't he over here then himself? Doesn't need a baby sitter does he?" House was starting to like this guy.
"Nope, but a bit of friendly encouragement and enough alcohol from the straight best friend always helps." House gestured for Wilson to come over.
He downed the last of his martini and walked over portraying a false sense of confidence. In hindsight he realised what a stupid idea this was. It was spur of the moment thing when he was feeling horny and lonely, that he decided to drag House along to the local gay bar.
"Now this super hero is Dr James. Dr James this is ... erm I couldn't be bothered to ask your name."
"Alex is the name. You're friend, Dr Grey, has been telling me that you are looking for some fun." Alex looked Wilson up and down. He liked what he saw.
Wilson felt under the spot light. Being examined in every single way.
Then the name clicked. The dirty pervert. House had watched way too many B rated films. He relaxed a little into the conversation but still remained guarded.
"I am a little lonely. Some fun would definitely cheer the old doc up. Not many gay guys where I work. The Cancer Doc needs some fun from time to time."
"Well, if you would like to stay and talk and not look like you're about to shit your pants, I might be interested."
"Don't worry, that's his usual facial expression. You get used to it after a while." House added. Wilson shot House a look which screamed 'don't you dare fuck this up.'
"So, Dr James, may I buy you a drink? With a friend like him, you look like you need one."
House took his cue to leave. He nodded at Wilson before heading to the other end of the bar. Making sure he still had a good view on the pair.
He ordered another beer and downed it. He felt like he needed the dutch courage sitting in a bar full of the same sex.
"Hey man, why do you look so lonely?" A stranger came and sat next to him. He'd done this twice before with Wilson. And every time, he would still manage to attract someone.
"I'm not interested." House said bluntly.
"Woooh man, I was just asking if you were okay. Chill your beans." The boy looked to be about 27 with long dreadlocks and a skinny build. His baggy jumper and wide beam shouted naivety. Maybe he could get some fun tonight as well.
"Sorry dude, bad day." He pouted
"Don't worry mannnn. Whats ruffling your feathers?" Oh, he was going to have some fun.
"I really had the hots for my boss. He was sooo gorgeous and I thought we could be a thing. He kept giving me these signals, so I turned up in his office and declared my undying love to him. Anyway, he threatened to fire me if I ever said those words again to him." House faked sniffled and wiped his eyes as if he had been crying.
"Oh buddy. It's alright. What would make you feel better?" The 'mark' said sympathetically.
"I-I think I need a another drink." House stuttered. He looked over towards Wilson and smirked. Wilson's hand was dangerously near Alex's crotch region. He had to control himself from not sniggering.
"Don't cry man. It's all good. I'll make you feel better." Apparently, Houses attempt to stifle the snigger had sounded like crying to the young man who had just passed him a beer.
"Thank you, I j-just need a friend right now." He grabbed his free beer and downed. Maybe being at a gay bar wasn't so bad.
—
The next morning, House woke to a banging head ache. He reached over to his bedside for his Vicodin but instead of the familiar shape of the orange vial, he felt something soft. Hs eyes shot open as he took in his surroundings. The first thing he realised was that he was only in his boxers. He slowly levered himself up and put on his clothes that were piled next to him on the floor.
The house was unfamiliar. It definitely had a hint of bachelor to it with the flat screen tv and the pile of computer games that sat next to a gaming console. House hobbled around. He couldn't find his cane which wasn't a good start. He needed to find Wilson.
He kept pushing open random doors to see if Wilson was inside. One room was full of gym equipment, which he kind of expected. Another was a bathroom, which he frequented. But it was the room with the collection of sheep figurines and dolls that freaked him out. They were all lined up in size order on shelves. He quickly closed the door and continued his search. He needed to get himself and Wilson out of there.
He eventually found Wilson in the bedroom, face planting the pillow, butt naked. And right next to him lay Alex who had a blanket draped over him. At least he seemed to have a little more dignity than Wilson.
He limped over to the side Wilson was sleeping and shook him.
"Wilson, wake up! Wilson!" House urgently whispered.
"Noooo school today, Saturday." Wilson mumbled.
"You're not at fucking school you moron. We need to get out of here."
At hearing this, Wilson turned himself around and shot straight up.
"Wilson! You're naked for fuck sake!" House whispered urgently, trying to look away. Wilson grabbed the closest pillow
"Shit, House! Why didn't you wake me up earlier?" Wilson made a mad dash around the room trying to find his shirt and trousers. The pillow was still clutched tightly to his private area.
"I've only just woken up!" House replied
"Hurry up Wilson for Christ sake. He has a collection of dolls and sheep figurines. I don't want to be murdered by some weird psychopath."
Wilson shoved his kit back on and followed House out to the living room. House stopped abruptly at the man asleep on the sofa.
He had completely missed him in his mad dash this morning. Wilson was the one to drag House out the door.
"That wasn't what I thought it was, was it. I woke up in my boxers this morning." House stuttered.
"I mean, you did get very comfortable with dread lock guy last night."
"Oh God!" House gasped
"Welcome to the club, House!" Wilson patted House on the back.
At this, they both burst into hysterics. Laughing at the shenanigans that had occurred the night before.