A/N: - Dedicated to TwiFan99, who wished I'd done, 'Why Is It Different, For him?' from Jasper's POV. So here it is at long last xx Remember it's a Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda story and nothing more xx Alexis
Disclaimer: Twilight and its characters belong to S. Meyer. Otherwise, the rest is my musings on an AU.
I've hunted all night, if I drink any more I'll be sloshin' about or probably vomit it back up. Why? Well, Edward is bringin' his new girl home for the first time and I'm just bein' careful is all. We've all seen her at school of course, well us kids have, what a joke. But this is the official, meet the parent's visit. She's a cool one, not in the least afraid of bein' in a house full of vampires, but I sensed her nerves, it was more a will they like me? feelin' she was givin' off.
I wasn't really feedin' for just my own sake, but because I knew everyone else's bloodlust would be up to. They never, ever try to control it themselves and even the good doctor, my pseudo father occasionally suffered from it, Some humans just smell way better than others and we react, of course, we do, we're vampires. But they like to think they don't but if anyone would know, it's me!
The minute I returned Alice's emotion swamped me, it's just as well I love that woman or I'd be out of here and back in Texas before you could say 'Bite Me'. I sometimes wonder if I should just put my foot down and insist we leave and go back to my own coven, but then I remember that they don't really get on that well, Peter and Charlotte are human drinkers and that's a big no-no around these parts.
"Calm down Ali Darlin', there are enough emotions flyin' about out there without you drivin' me to my knees too," I say and she looks at me confused, then the light goes on and she remembers her husband's an empath. "Sorry Jazz, I just so excited she's going to be my best friend one day" she squeals and I shake my head, calmin' her slightly with my gift.
WIIDFM
Walkin' into the kitchen, was like walkin' into a wall of negativity, even Bella felt it because her emotions became irritated and confused. I tested the air and they were all worried I'd attack her on sight. 'Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence, guys!' I don't know why I'm surprised this has been their attitude since I joined the family almost sixty years ago. I was so busy musin' about that, I didn't realise Alice had rushed up to Bella until I heard her say.
"Oh! You do smell good!" then she hugged her and Bella's emotions were a cross between disgust and annoyance, she saw that as rude, I could tell. Now it was my turn to be introduced, I hung back a little because I was pained by Alice's sudden spike in bloodlust, so I nodded to Bella and Carlisle just couldn't help himself sayin',
"Jasper's new to this life, you'll have to forgive him, Bella my dear" and I was suddenly feelin' anger comin' from her in waves. "I'd like to go home please Edward!" Bella said in a snippy voice, she sounded like she was ready to cry, her eyes pricked with tears. "Is it too much love, being around all of these vampires, I'm so sorry, I should never have brought you here, I should have known better" he waffled and I looked up at her, she nodded and so I told them,"Bella's very angry, really very angry Edward!".
"Well, of course, she's angry! You must have frightened her" Edward yelled at me and I flinched as if slapped, I couldn't believe what was happenin'. Bella just exploded, she felt so mad at them and so bad for me at the same time. She looked around the room at them all and they were feelin' confused that was obvious and I was frownin', not really graspin' where her anger to them and sympathy for me was comin' from. "Of course I'm angry Edward! No, it's not being in a house full of vampires or anything to do with Jasper what so ever! It's being in a house with six of the most arrogant, self-righteous, condescending, pompous vampires! That is my problem!" Bella retorted, Edward looked at her as if she'd just lost her mind.
"What do you mean by that?" Rosalie demanded in a haughty voice drippin' with disdain for the human, I could feel her ire. Bella totally ignored her and Rose was pissed, "Doctor Cullen, Edward says you have a table where you hold meetings? Could we please go there, we need to sit?" Bella said and it didn't go unnoticed that she'd reverted back to callin' him Doctor Cullen rather than Carlisle. She waited until we all took our normal places and then stood behind me of all people, of course, Edward started to growl, but before he could do anythin' Bella spoke,
"Be quiet Edward and you might actually learn something, for once in your life!" Bella told him firmly, That drew forth a few gasps, but otherwise, they were all silent, but their emotions were off the charts and I was subtlety calmin' them enough to give me a break. She was at the same time pushing acceptance, understandin' and a little filial love to me, as she placed her warm hands on my shoulders. I shuddered slightly, at the warmth, not the blood poundin' around her body. Of course, it was taken the wron' way and Edward made to get up sayin', "Move away Bella, he's struggling, you'll be hurt! He can't control himself"
"I will not! The only person not in control here is you! and I know he is agitated, but not for very much longer. If you'd just sit down and do as you're asked for once Edward! Then I could explain, not everything is about you, you know!" Bella said loudly and he dropped back into his seat in total amazement that she would talk to him that way. "I'm confused Bella, I don't understand?" I asked in a questionin' voice, what was she tryin' to prove and to whom?
"I know Jasper, but you will soon. Mrs Cullen?" She started, after takin' in a large gulp of air, I knew how nervous she was, but also how adamant too. "Esme dear" Esme interrupted her to say, "Mrs Cullen, who in your family has ever slipped from their vegetarian diet?" Bella continued sayin' with air quotes and I was well aware that Esme was hurt by Bella ignorin' her directive, as was everyone else, somethin's didn't need an empath to register.
"Well, only two really, me once and Emmett twice" Esme answered quietly, hurt and confused why this human was takin' them all to task over me, "When was this If you don't mind me asking?" She then inquired and was told that it was many years ago before Alice and I joined the family. "Ah, before Jasper arrived, yes I should have realised, Twice Emmett really?" Bella said and he hun' his head noddin', "But they were all singers!" Carlisle said tryin' to defend them, if not to her then himself as he always did.
"Jasper, how long have you been with the family?" she asked me kindly and I said truthfully, "Sixty years, give or take a few Darlin'," I think I can see where she was headin', unlike the others who still looked confused or in Rose's case indignant. "Have you ever slipped in all that time?" Bella asked me smilin' and I shook my head in the negative, "No! no, I didn't expect you to have. How long until you're not new to this life Doctor?" Bella demanded turnin' to face Carlisle and he stared at her unable to answer and a little shocked at the strength of resolve of the girl before him.
"Thirteen more years maybe, since that's only how much longer Emmett's been on your diet than Jasper! Did you make him feel like the weakest link in the family I wonder, no, of course, you didn't, well except for Edward, I presume he wouldn't have been able to stop himself?" she spat, givin' him a scathin' look as her anger rose once more. His head dropped and I knew she was right, not being here at the time, but guilt was pourin' of him and a little anger at bein' pulled up about it. They were all lookin' at each other but avoidin' both mine and Bella's eyes,
"Correct me if I'm wrong," she said in a tone that warned them not to dare, "But Bloodlust is basically just the desire for human blood, any humans blood, sometimes it's just stronger than other times?" Bella wished to know, they all nodded and Carlisle couldn't help but say, "Yes that's true, you are quite correct, Bella". "So it's an emotion then?" Bella asked glarin' at them all individually before sayin', "You smell someone particularly pleasing and you project instant desire? Just like Alice did ten minutes ago when she rudely told me how good I smelled!"
Gasps were heard, sudden comprehension had dawned with some though not all, Emmett said, "What?" "When you're angry Emmett, what happens?" she asked him directly, "Jazzman calms me down" he replied cheerfully, "And when you're down or sad?" Bella then asked, "He cheers me up!" he said happily smilin' without a care in the world, his I'll admit were the easiest emotions to contend with, "So when you feel bloodlust, what happens Emmett?" she says starin' at him and as he replies the penny finally dropped, "He ..., Oh! Awe shit man, why'd you never say anything?".
"Why should he have had to tell you, Emmett, can't you think for yourself? how come it's a human that has to explain it to you all? Sixty years too late I might add" Bella retorted. "Don't speak to my mate like that! Who the hell do you think you are?" Rosalie shouted at Bella, she just smiled back at her and said, "I know who I am Rosalie, I know I'm not perfect or special and I sure as hell don't think the world revolves around me, can you say the same? How about you, how's your bloodlust? What happens at school when you get that sudden spike? What or should I say who stops you wrecking your perfect record, hmm?" she replied her voice drippin' with barely disguised disgust. "I ...!" is all she said before lookin' down sullenly, Esme and Alice are sobbin' quietly in the background, but I refused to comfort or assist them for once.
"Jasper, stop helping them all please, concentrate on only yourself for just this once", Bella said squeezin' my shoulder, I gladly complied and a couple of minutes later Bella asked, "How we all feeling now, seeing as I smell so damn good? Emmett, please restrain Edward he doesn't look so hot!" Bella pulled out the last seat and sat further back well away from us all, I was ready to protect her if Edward lost it. "Dear God!" Carlisle bemoans, "Oh, Jasper!" whimpered Esme.
"Take a good look at Jasper now please everyone, does he look stressed or out of control, No! Why because he's not carrying all of you as he normally does day in day out!" Bella expounded angrily, and they all look shamefaced, still not realisin' that they are swampin' me with emotions, it was just not bloodlust now but shame and disbelief that Bella saw what they had never even tried to see. "I wouldn't help them anymore Jasper, unless it's dire, you need to look to yourself for once because obviously, no one in this family is prepared to help you like you have been helping them!" Bella said to me as she gets to her feet.
"Thank you Darlin', I always thought they'd work it out, but no one ever did, then years passed and I just kept doin' it to keep myself sane really!" I said to her smilin'. "Yes, I'll bet. It's very selfish of you, you know Alice, to make Jasper live in the main house, unable to get away from their emotions, being bombarded twenty-four/seven! I bet you mainly hunt on your own don't you Jasper?" She asked me then, I nodded yes, "For the peace and quiet yeah?" Bella inquired and I smiled, how come this human got it and they never did, not even my mate?
"Oh before I leave, I don't think you should expect help at school anymore! It's beyond cruel to have him carry you. All that blood, all those teenage hormones and angst. It's time you handled your own bloodlusts for a change" she told them finally. "Oh, Shit!" was all Edward said, "Dawned on you has it, Yes think yourself lucky Edward, you only have to hear their surface thoughts and since most are teenagers they are irrelevant seconds after they thought them, not feel every feeling of every person, every second you're there in that damn place and that includes the pissed off and depressed teachers!"she said so scornfully, I saw several flinches.
"You know he's the strongest person in this family, not the weakest! You should all be ashamed of yourselves! Now give me the keys to your car Edward I'm going home" Bella said holdin' out her hand, he was not pleased with that at all. "Bella I'll ..." he started to say, "No Edward! No more running and avoiding the elephant in the room! Give me your keys I'll drive myself home and you can start on sixty years worth of grovelling! Because I'm sure you were the worst offender! Followed closely by Alice and Carlisle! " she told him as she took the keys, "We will talk later, I have a lot to think about" was her partin' shot.
WIIDFM
There was a moment of nothin' after Bella left and then chaos, everyone bombarded me with all the emotion inside of them and I ran, there was no way I could cope with that kind of tsunami. It was monumental and would have brought me to my knees, so let them stew, I was stayin' as far away as possible, at least tonight and I didn't care for once how they felt about that, even Alice.
I had so much to think about and I needed to do that away from everyone, so took off to Canada, where I sat at the top of a mountain, perched on the top like a large bird of prey surveyin' the landscape below. It was so peaceful here and freein', nobody's emotions but mine. I stayed there all night just bein', I knew that I couldn't go back to how it was before, so changes were goin' to be made and if they didn't like it fine, Alice and I would leave, she might not like it but I know she would leave for me, especially now. So with my decision made I set off back to Forks, headin' for Bella's first of all.
I knew some of the others had been to see Bella, I could smell their scent, so I was Bella's next visitor, I told her I had yet to return to the house and decided to come and thank her first. That there was a lot of residual anger still in me and she understood completely. About my mate, family, coven even, failin' me and that without Bella's interference they would have gone right on for well, eternity.
Also how I was torn between orderin' Alice to leave with me and go to my brother's, but how I felt like stayin' and watchin' them struggle, make them pay through the nose, (pun intended) for takin' me for granted. Especially the way Edward and Alice had, and for not even noticin', that would be the other four. She suggested I stay, but to organise a trip to see Peter and Charlotte, with no shoppin' involved. She also thought maybe I ought to say 'No' more often. That Alice needs to stop interferin' with all her small visions and I needed to put my foot down and take control of our relationship now. She's had it her own way for far too many years.
"You can only be thankful for her finding you and bringing you to Carlisle for so long, Jasper. She's done little else for you, it seems, partnerships are supposed to be fifty/fifty! I'm just saying, Oh and why do you hide your accent might I ask?" She said to me and I looked down and away at that comment, "Alice!" we both said at the same time, "Yes, time for you to step up to the plate, my friend or stay downtrodden forever, that's not the real you is it? While you're at it I'd veto her dressing you too!" She said holdin' up her hands and makin' a face at my eighties British preppie school outfit, I'd never changed before I ran yesterday.
I laughed so loudly and set her off, the emotions were bouncin' back and forward between us until I was gaspin' for an unneeded breath, "Thanks, Darlin' I really needed that, I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard!" I told her still sniggerin'. she waved me away sayin', "You've stalled long enough laughing boy, time to face the family, I've prepped four of them for you, but you're on your own with Alice and Edward, sorry! Make her wait till last okay?" I nodded, motioned as if tipping my Stetson to her and left.
WIIDFM
As I neared the house I saw Rose and Emmett waitin' at the edge of the forest, where it met the well-kept lawn. I slowed to a walk and they both looked at me with barely concealed shame, sorrow, guilt and regret, "Oh, Jazzman, I don't know how to start to try and fix this. All these years we let them berate you, blame you for your thoughts, which it turns out weren't yours but ours! How can you ever forgive us for being so ignorant and selfish?" Emmett pleaded,
"Bella said we should try to guard our emotions like we do our thoughts from Edward. Would that help?" Rose asked quietly, I knew she was rememberin' every time she had been upset, angry, downright depressed over the years. Her sulkin' and tantrums had definitely taken their toll on me. "Some, yeah! But I just need you to remember, goin' to your rooms don't stop me feelin' your emotions. Bella's right I need to be out of the house more, especially at night." I answered slowly.
"Oh! Oh! There's a cottage on the grounds! We could fix that up for the two of you, I need to speak to Esme, but that would help wouldn't it?" Rose questioned me with hope in her voice, she was afraid I'd want to leave. "Yeah, that would be real good, Rose darlin', gettin' away from everyone now and then will help, especially Emoward! But will Alice agree?" I quizzed, "She will if she knows what's good for her!" was her adamant reply.
I was happy with that and shook Emmett's hand and hugged Rose to let them know we were goin' to be okay. After all, I could have told them, but I choose not to, life's a two-way street and all that. Two down, four to go, Esme like Rose and Em didn't really know or understand, but the other three now that was a different story. As I reached the house Alice was waiting and I went to walk past her not ready for this just yet. "Jazzie?" she whimpered, "Not now Alice," I said keeping walking,
"But I need ..." she started to say. I rounded on her then, "You need Alice? When did this become about you? What about what I needed from you, my mate? I said not now and stop callin' me Jazzie, I hate it!" She gasped, I knew she was havin' a vision and for the first time ever I just walked away. Bella was right I have to make a stand, so I entered the house and headed for our room. Started packin' everythin', well except those shit clothes. Esme hovered in the doorway,
"Rose mentioned the cottage, it's a bit of a mess. Nothing a couple of days won't fix, but I don't think Alice will like roughing it" she said quietly. "Alice will do as she's told for once Esme, but thank you. I'll see to the renovations myself, I don't need a closet bigger than the front room, no one does! Oh and I hate pink, did you know that?" I said tonelessly and she shook her head sadly. "I'm so sorry Jasper, for not seeing, not even thinking it was possible. I failed you, we all did and for that, I can only beg your forgiveness! I give you my solemn oath to do better and take all my children's feelings into account for once" she whispered before leaving.
There was a tap on the door as I picked up the last bag and Carlisle stuck his head around the door, "Could I talk to you son? If you'd like to come to my study before you leave for the cottage" he said in a strained voice. Did he really think I'd make it that easy for him? "Too proud to apologise in public Carlisle? Or don't you want the others to know that you knew and ignored it? That we had a conversation when I arrived, you, me and Edward! He read my mind and told you I felt everyone's feelin's as my own and to many could swamp me and make me snap! That the more intense the feelin' the harder it was for me?" I said lookin' him in the eye and for once I was Jasper Whitlock, his equal, another coven leader.
We both heard Esme's gasped "How could you do that Carlisle?", Edward's expletive and Alice's sob! But the unexpected "What the Fuck?" from Emmett and the "That's what we expect from Edward, nasty childish petty behaviour! But from you Carlisle!" spat Rose, that shook him to his core.
That was enough for me and I picked up our stuff and headed to the door, barely hearing' the whispered "I am truly sorry, I disregarded your needs for the others! I put them all before you in everything, especially him" from Carlisle. I nodded and carried on, but as I reached the landin' I said, "Think carefully Edward. How you deal with this means more than just our relationship! This could lose you your mate, she's human and can still walk away, but you cannot! Is your pride worth that much? The choice is yours".
As I left the house Rose hugged me and Esme smiled wanly. Alice was still standin' outside and as I drew level she fell into step beside me. Then she took some of the bags off of me and we walked at a human pace to the cottage in silence. This would be the hardest conversation, but the most important, but by her silence, I realised she too knew this. I took a deep unneeded breath and said, "Alice? Things have got to change. I can't and won't put up with the way it was previously!"
Before I could continue she replied, "I know, we will do it your way from now on. I was wrong and selfish, but please believe me when I say, I never meant to hurt you. Your my mate, my rock and I failed you. I'll never forgive myself for that!" That and her feelin's were all I needed to know we were headin' down the right road now, so I pulled her close and accepted her feelin's of love and hope and let them wash over me.