GARFIELD FUCKING KILLS EVERYONE
AN: Imagine this is being recited orally in old english like a traditional reading of Beowulf. It makes it a thousand times better.
Garflef the monday boy was minding his own business, eating his monday pasta cake (lasang) and generally being a conceited cunt, like always. "I despise the monday" he griped, shoveling handfuls of pasta cake into his fat, greasy gullet. He was tanning in a sunbeam and catspreading to take up as much room as possible. "Mondag needs to DIE." he said in a dark edgy voice, like Batman from the Nolan movies but if he sold meth.
Odie noticed that Garflegm was upset and went over to comfort him by sniffing his face, because he was a dog. Garfleem mistakenly thought Odie was sniffing his lasorgne and got territorial. "Odie! I have had it with your bullshit! I will end your life!" He cried, pulling his secret shotgun out form under the couch. Garfield loaded it up, aimed at Odie's head, and pulled the trigger. His head exploded into gore and covered Gorgflak's face like warpaint.
All of Garfuck's monday problems seemed to swarm his consciousness and cloud his vision like gnats on discarded fruit, swarming and buzzing endlessly. Jon ran into the room after hearing the shotgun go off. He screamed "GargleFleef what the fuck?!" after witnessing his housecat covered in glood, teeth, and lasorgny. "You have wronged me for the last time, Jon." Gortflam said menacingly, aiming the shotgun at Jon's face. "But I give you everything you want! All you do is sit in the livingroom and complain while you shovel lasagna into your face!" Jon retorted, full of fear and the sandwich he just ate a few minutes ago. Gurgfield looked unblinkingly into Jon's eyes and said, "You can insult my layered pasta later... IN HELL." and pulled the trigger.
Jon's brain exploded all over the living room. His head looked like a watermelon someone bored into with a garden shovel for some reason instead of eating it in chunks or slices like a normal person because that'd probably be a lot less messy. But Gerglefleem wasn't concerned about the mess. Jon wouldn't be around to worry about it. Gortfeild summoned the deepest regions of his diaphragm, awakening his inner lion and let out a primal warrior's battlecry: "LAAAAAAAAAASAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOLLLRRGNGGGGNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
GirdleFeel made his way through the front door, shotgun in hand and covered in gore. He approached the mailman, who was making his rounds through the neighborhood.
"Hey there, Garf-HYEGHK!" Garfield interrupted him with his shotgun then jerked off and ejaculated onto his remains. "Wh-what?" the mailman choked out his final confused words. "What was that..?"
"That's my penis." Garflirg said and then another explosion of fire escaped his shotgun, silencing him once and for all. Then Gourdfilk made his way to the bus stop. He had a plan. He set out on a mission.
The bus pulled up and opened its doors for Gyrefeelg, who promptly shot and killed the bus driver. "Hey, you can't do that!" one of the passengers yelled. Gnarkfield walked up to him, took out his giant, thick, neat, veiny penis, used it as a bat and beat the man to death. "THIS IS MY FUCKING BUS NOW! UNDERSTAND?" The bus was silent. Garfield assumed command of the wheel and slammed on the gas. The engine screamed in pain at Grelfleeg for pushing it beyond its limits but it would not dare stop. The police did not chase him because they were busy doing their taxes, as it was tax season and they had to be responsible.
Any vehicle in Garfragle's way was either flung into the opposite lane or turned into dust. He was going so fast that he was nearly ripping the space time continuem. Gnargfleld ate his lansasagnasnangnsangnna that he packed for his trip and drove with his knee. All of the passenger's skin flew off of their bones as a sacrifice to the ancient forgotten blood gods. Gortflesh was approaching the gates of the military base where they kept the nuclear launch button. They were also doing their taxes, so they didn't notice the bus coming straight for them and bending the reality around it.
The bus eviscerated the walls of the base and vaporized all in its path whether it was living or not. Geerphlegm stepped out and made his way down below the base. The military tried to stop him but he reflected all of the bullets with his large penis, spinning it in helicopter motion. "Hes too strong!" the commander screamed and shot himself. Granflakes killed the rest with his fucking shotgun. "Move out of the way!" he roared, lasergna flying out of his snout.
As Gneergflak descended further into the depths of the base, he came across hundreds of POW's cleaning out a trash compactor. Gnortfuchs sneered at them and decreed, with his hand upon the lever that would activate the compactor, "For years, I have depended upon humankind to bring me the lasagn. But today, humankind will be my lagina!" and he pulled the lever! The desperate screams and cries, the bone crunching of both the guilt ridden and the falsely accused rang out like a symphony of death lasorgny and kissed Geerflel's kawaii neko ears. =^.^= Gjarkflak descended into the compactor and consumed the humanpasta.
GregFliel ventured further into the base, passing the bioweapon test labs and alien research terminals. They were not important. He made a beeline for the nuclear launch room. He blasted open the door and saw an old bearded man huddled in the corner with the big red button. He was a lot like the computers controlling the nukes in the present day: fucking old. "I have been sentenced to this room since the 50's and I'll be damned if the commies think they can do me over!" he screamed maniacly and pulled out an old rusted tommy gun. Gritsflend is cool so none of the bullets hit him. "I am not the Soviets. I AM GRARGFLENK!" and made the man explode into blood and gore, like lasagna sauce. Garkfleek picked up the button and stood silent. His mission was complete, save for one more step.
Garfield grinned and said, "I will destroy monday!" and pushed the button. With one swift motion, the earth was destoryed and monday ceased to exist.
Spiritfield now drifts through space as the god of war and L'asornaga. He instills the first spark of violence as well as the longing for italian foods in intelligent species across the cosmos. Any civilization that has develouped mondays, he destroys. At night, look out your windows and give your praise to Gjorkflagn. If your people have mondays however, pray he does not find you.