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Staring up into the moon washed sky Deeks let out a sigh. He had been sitting on the roof of his car looking at nothing for what felt like hours. Which was completely possible. Though it was also possible five minutes had passed and it only felt like hours. He didn't know anymore.
In truth, he didn't think he knew anything anymore. At least the things he had thought he knew were… Nope. No matter how many times he said it or how much he changed the way he said it nothing made him feel better about the situation.
He had thought that he had finally found a home. A place where the people around him truly cared about who he was. Where people looked at him and saw past everything that the rest of the world saw. He had never been so wrong in his life.
It had been years, years, since he started working at NCIS. Didn't that mean something to someone other than him? That was the question that kept bouncing around in his head. It's was also the question that he was doing his best to ignore.
Deeks could feel tears start to prickle at his eyes causing him to growl to himself. It had been years since he allowed himself to cry and he wasn't going to start now. They didn't deserve for him to shed tears because of them.
Nodding his head the blond decided that once he got off the hood he was going to put it behind him. He was a strong person and for too many years he allowed people to decide his happiness. He made himself so miserable for so long and he wasn't going back.
It was odd to think, but he loved working at NCIS. Yes, there was many, many issues he had with his 'team', but everything else was really nice. If he could he'd like to stay on at the federal agency. He just wasn't sure he could stay working with the people he already did.
Sitting up Deeks ran a hand through his hair wanting to pull it out in frustration. He had almost exactly what he wanted and now he had to decide whether or not he was going to walk away from it all. It wasn't fair that he had to.
He just couldn't deal with feeling as if he was less of a person somehow. Being put down was something that he had had to deal with since he was a kid. It shouldn't bother him that people always thought the worst of him no matter what he did.
It was one of the reasons why he decided to become a lawyer and then a cop. He wanted to be one of the good guys after everyone thought so poorly about him. He refused to let them push him into becoming exactly what they said he would be.
He wasn't that man! Dammit! Deeks had thought that at the very least Callen would understand that, but he was like the rest of the team. Somehow he was still the odd man out and there was nothing that was going to change that.
Deeks knew exactly who he was. It took him having a job where he spent most of his time pretending to be someone else. That's how things happened sometimes though. You learned so much about who you were by proving who you weren't.
Taking a deep breath he swiped a hand over his eyes wiping away tears he refused to cry. It wasn't going to be easy, but he had to talk to Hetty about his future. Not only with NCIS, but with Callen and the rest of the team.
Sliding off the head of the car he started to assure himself that he was making the right choice. He loved his team even though it was clear they didn't love him. The last thing he wanted to do was walk away from them.
He had to take care of himself though. Which meant that he was going to have to leave them. It would feel horrible to walk away, but it would hurt more if he stayed and listened to their abuse. He couldn't do that to himself.
Taking out his phone he checked to see what time it was. His phone said that it was a little past two o'clock in the morning. It was too late to call Hetty and see if she had the time to met with him. He'd deal with that tomorrow.
Unless… Maybe it was for the best that he took a few days and thought it through. The last thing he wanted to do was make a choice without giving them a chance. He doubted that he was going to change his mind anytime soon, but he wanted to think it through.
Sending a text to Hetty he said that he wasn't going to make it into work in the morning. He knew that she was probably asleep, but it would be easier to lie and say that he awoke in the middle of the night throwing up and sent the text before passing out.
He knew that it was extremely stupid to attempt to lie to the woman, but he had to risk it. When the real reason behind him missing work came out he knew she would understand. Or he'd lose that special bond that they had.
Deeks truly had no idea why the woman seemed to like him so much but he was extremely glad for it. When it felt as if the rest of the team only needed him around as a punching bag he could go to her and have a cup of tea. It was nice.
He had never really had a grandparent, but Hetty was as close to one as he would ever get. The blond held no qualms against saying that he did in fact love the older woman. She was part of his family and he didn't want to walk away from her.
That was one of the biggest issues he had with leaving Team Callen. He loved some of the people that he got to see. Hetty, Eric, Nell, and Nate were some of his favorite people and the idea that he wouldn't see them everyday broke his heart.
Taking one last deep breath he put his phone away and climbed into his car. He needed to get some sleep before the thoughts suffocated him. As much as he knew he needed to think about everything he also knew he needed to sleep. No good decision came when one was sleep deprived.
It took awhile for him to get back home, but by the time he did he couldn't wait to lay down. Opening the door he watched Monty sit up his tail starting to wag in excitement. No matter how bad and tired he couldn't help smiling and sitting next to him on the couch.
"Hey, boy," Deeks greeted scratching at his head, "Have a peaceful day?"
Monty's tongue rolled out of his mouth as he moved to half lay on the man. The smile grew on his lips as the dog's warmth soaked into him. A soft sigh left him as his body relaxed into the couch. He couldn't help feeling better now that he wasn't alone.
"Yeah," Deeks continued looking up at the ceiling, "I got to say that you have the life. Mind me crashing it tomorrow?"
The dog's ears perked up at that. It wasn't often that he got to spend the day with Monty. Even on his days off he was doing something or another for either his neighbors or one of the shelters that he volunteered at. He hated sitting still.
Maybe that was one of his issues. He never gave himself proper time after an assignment to deal with what happened. In truth, he had never felt as if he had had to. He was pretty good at separating himself from the character he had been playing that week.
It was one of the reasons he was so good at his job. He was good at realizing who he was and then using that to make whomever it was he needed to be real. If it wasn't real to him than how was it supposed to be real for the people he was trying to trick?
Deeks took pride in his work. For a long time it was just him working the case. He was the one that the whole assignment rested on. In the end solve the case or not he was the one that had to do all of… Well, everything.
That meant that he had to be on the top of his game no matter what was thrown at him. He had to know fashion, cars, TV shows, books, and everything in between. At any given point in time he was both the smartest and the stupidest person in the room.
There was a handful of things that he wasn't the best at. One of those things was languages. Something that everyone on the team was good at. He had tried to learn German at the local annex, but he had to skip too many classes to pass.
For awhile he thought about asking one of the team, but something always stopped him. It wasn't even an unknown something. He knew exactly why he never went to any of them for help. He didn't want to look stupider than he already did.
A soft whimper left Monty causing Deeks to look down. The shaggy dog was staring up at him in full puppy dog pout mode. Smiling he bent down to press a kiss to the mutts head before patting his backside to get him to stand up.
"Alright," Deeks spoke walking into the kitchen, "You've already gone for a walk so let me get you some food while I shower."
Pouring some food into the dog bowl he put it down and went into the bathroom. He hoped that having a nice hot shower would relax him enough for an easy nights sleep. Just get out of his head for a few hours. Just a few hours.
Stripping out of his clothes Deeks attempted to avoid looking at the mirror. He knew that he wasn't a bad looking guy, but it was always hard when he saw the scars that littered his body. He almost had more scars than he knew what to do with. It was not the best thing.
He both loved and hated seeing his scars. It reminded him of all the times that he had been hurt because he wanted to keep someone else safe. That was his job. He could deal with being in pain as long as it was to keep someone else safe.
In truth, one of his biggest pet peeves about police, in any form, was that they wanted credit for everything they did and they hated having anyone try to help. To him it didn't matter who solved the case as long as the bad guy was behind bars.
That was another reason why he liked to work alone. Having to deal with someone's ego pissed him off. The job of a cop was to keep people safe. It was not to rack up as many arrests they made single-handed. Sadly, a lot of cops forgot about that.
Shaking his head Deeks climbed into the shower. He was doing very badly at the whole 'don't think of work' thing. It was just so hard. His entire life basically only focused on work. Hell, even his dog was part of his work.
Groaning Deeks dropped his forehead to the cold tile. He needed to stop thinking. It was just driving him insane. If he didn't get a chance to stop thinking he was going to end up doing something stupid. Like simply walking away from everything without trying to solve the actual problem.
Taking a few deep breaths he went on with the rest of his shower. If he could just get into bed he could possibly fall asleep. He had all of tomorrow to think about the situation. For now he was going to curl in his bed and sleep.
Once he was clean he got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. Without bothering to dry off more he left the bathroom and went into the kitchen. Monty was just finishing off some water when he walked in. Deciding that was a good idea he poured himself a glass.
"Don't give me that look," Deeks said looking down at the mutt, "I'll eat tomorrow. Off to bed with us. I'm… I'm tired."
Putting the now empty glass in the sink he and Monty went into the bedroom. Blue eyes looked over at his dresser knowing he should at least put boxers on. He was just so tired. The idea of doing anything but climbing under the blankets.
He didn't bother even taking off the towel as he slipped between the sheets. A sigh left his lips as he closed his eyes. He had thought it would be hard to fall asleep, but as soon as his head hit the pillow he was out like a light.