God I'm praying that you'll find me
and that you'll see me
and that you'll run
and never tire
desire
It wasn't early in the night, but it hadnt been long since both of them had retreated to their rooms. Josh had looked over tommorrow's schedule, and descided to attempt to sleep for a few hours before he ventured had to wake up again, and yet he found himself, in the caffine induced state he was constantly existing in, staring blankly at the ceiling, images of her flashing through his mind, the fact that she was lying in bed right across the hallway causing his head to threaten to implode. He just couldnt bring himself to face the fact that she wasnt with him- that she was on another team, and she didnt need him, for anything, was frustrating him, more than the fact he couldnt kiss her when she was working for him had frustrated him at the time.
It was understandable, therefore, that he thought the first scream was in his imagination. He heard it in the distance, and there was no mistaking that it was hers, but he was so used to hearing her words in his mind these days that he brushed it aside and trying to calm himself, as a psycological allusion to Gaza. By the second cry, however, he knew that it wasn't in his head, and he sat up, horrified, in bed, frozen, not knowing what to do.
On the third, Josh leapt out of bed, and charged across the hallway, the flourescent lighting stinging his tired eyes. He banged his fists on the door to her room, and then called her name out, over and over, until the screaming and crying ceased, and all he heard were sobs, muffled by the thick wood of the door.
"Donna please let me in." he said, finally, sadness, and helplessness seepinging into the edges of his voice, and threatening to betray his emotions.
He could hear her coming closer , and the sobing slow, before Donna opened the door, and Josh strode in.
Closing it behind him, Josh stood against the door, frightened of what to do now that he had actually gotten inside.
His suspisions had been correct. He bed looked relatively mushed, and her eyes red rimmed and blotchy. Her hair betrayed the fact that she had in fact been asleep, and her cheeks were stained with trails of tears, reflected by the light coming from the bathroom.
"Josh Im-"
"A guy falls into a hole."
Josh can hardly believe that hes brought himself to open his mouth, let alone spout out words, and its a freakish chance that lands him repeatng this story. He wasnt even consciously thinking of it- in his mind, he had been contemplating much more compassionate words, but all of them had sounded hollow, like 'ít'll be alright' and 'it gets better' which, although it may be true, he knew would sound stupid emitted from his mouth.
Donna, at any rate, had been silenced, and she stared at him with remarkabely blue eyes, tears contiuing to roll out of the corners of her eyes.
Josh stumbled, and continued.
"A guy falls into a hole. The holes so deep, he cant get out. A doctor walks past, and the guy says 'hey doc, would you help me out, Im stuck in this hole?'and the doctor writes him a perscription and, and throws it down into the hole, and walks away. Then a priest walks by, and the guy says 'hey father, im stuck in this hole, can you help me out?"and the priest throws a prayer down and keeps walking-'
"Josh I dont kn-"
"Then a friend walks by."
Donna noticed him choke on the word friend. Its also the first time she noticed the tears shining in his eyes, unshed, and pushed back, in favour of trying to help her, and keeping up a wall that had been there for years now.
"A friend walks by and the guy in the hole says 'hey, will you help me out?' and the friend jumps down into the hole with him. The guy says what'd you do that for, now we're both in here? And the friend replies 'yeah, but I've-'
He chokes, and sniffs back a show of emotion, one last attempt to retain his dignity.
"- But I've been down here before-"
Donna's expresson has softened, and she has a look in her eyes that he had forgotten- a look given when he wrote in a skiing book, and thrown snowballs at her window, and saved her from impeachment, and told her he wouldnt stop for a beer, and flown to Germany to see her breathing with his own eyes-
"Ive been here before, and I know the way out." he finished in a whisper. Donna's hand came up to cover her mouth, and Josh, acting on an unscrutinised impulse, took a step forward, and wrapped his arms around her, Donna's arms folded up against his chest, her head buried in his neck, tears drenching the shoulder of his shirt, hair tickling his arms.
"For how long?"he asked, after a while. She shook her head, not wanting to tell him.
"Since before you left."he replied. It wasnt so much as question as a guilt inducing statement.
"Donna I am so sorry."She shook her head again, and meant to get out a word of assurance, that it wasnt his fault for not noticing, that she had shut him out, but all that came out was a sob, and she clenched the fabric at the front of his shirt more, and let him stroke her hair. It wasnt until she felt his tears pool on top of her head that she pulled back, and looked up at him.
"Wow. We really screwed things up, didnt we?"she asked, quietly. He nodded, and exhaled, slowly.
"You want to go back to sleep?" he asked.
Donna shook her head, looking nauseous.
Josh strode across to the bed, pulled up a chair next to it, and took a seat.
"Lie down. Im talking to you until you do." she gave him an aprehensive glance, before looking away, embarrassed.
"Josh, you dont have to sit there talking to me, Ill sleep when I can, I just dont want to face the-"
"Im going to be right here, you start to hear si- I mean, have any...thoughts...then Ill wake you up."
"Josh-"
"Please Donna?" she stared back definantly, until she realised that he wouldnt be sleeping anyway, not if he was this worried and guilt ridden about her. She felt a little moved at the thought.
"Sighing, and giving in, Donna nodded, and shrugged.
"Lie on the other side of the bed, weve slept in the same double before, its nothing weird, youll get a bad back if you fall asleep in the chair."
Josh relaxed considerably. It had been something they had done when he himself had been battling PTSD. Donna would banter him to sleep, and he would argue about her needing to, and they would end up both asleep, but calm.
Josh took a seat on the bed, next to Donna, where she lay down, and curled up on her side, so she was facing him.
There was a silence, not an awkward one, but a strange one, that hung between them for a moment, as they stared at each other. Then Josh spoke.
"So I ate some sort of corn smut today, that I think was intended for consumtion by pigs."
"You ate that?" she whispered back, with a laugh, letting her eyes close.
"I did. It was disgusting, by the way. I dont care if its a delacacy anywhere."
"Im amazed you tried it. You normally dont eat anything that isnt fried in a fast food store."
"I didnt know what it was, I reached out for a palte, it ended u in my mouth. Then it ended up in my napkin..." Donna laughed, and when the laughter ceased, a smile was left on her face.
She felt Josh slide down from where he was sitting, lying in the bed next to her.
"Im sorry for everything Donna. Ive missed you. I just...I dont want what we had to be reduced to awkward silences in elevators." his voice was quiet, but she heard him. He knew it too, because the smile had slid off her face, and her eyes had opened.
"Ive missed you too. And Im sorry. But this is something I had to do Josh. I had to prove that I could do more. I knew I could."
"I knew you could."
"I know."
"There was silence, again."
"Thats why I said sorry."
"I know."
"November sixth."
" What?"
"November sixth."
"Is..."
"The night Im taking you out."
"We can celebrate Russells electoral victo-"
"Is that a yes, in horribly self assured venacular?"
"You would know, You are the master of self assured venacular."
"Donna?"
"It sounds great."
Eyes closed again, Donna slipped her hand into his, but Josh didn't take it. Instead, he wrapped his arm around her, and pulled her close to him, leaving them lying in each others arms.