Neal and Verity own a small, Christian diner. Dean, Sam, and Cas come to eat at the diner. Strict Christianity and Dean don't really mix.
It's super late... and I'm living up to my username!
(This story is NOT meant to provide my views on Christianity or Christians, nor is it meant to provide an accurate representation of all Christians. It's just meant to be amusing. Sorry.)
Neal and Verity are the owners of this proud establishment, a quaint, homely little diner off the side of the road in Nebraska. Neal's brother is a priest, and Verity's Cottage (the establishment's name) is adorned with crosses and other religious symbols. Needless to say, the entire extended family (family-in-law included) is extremely religious. Neal and Verity consider this place a respite for the poor Christian souls run ragged in a world of sinners.
Three men walk into the diner, and Verity distrusts them immediately.
She doesn't even know why; it's just a feeling. The three men are all tall and tough-looking, with hardened faces and worn eyes. One of them is practically a giant, with indecently shaggy hair. They are all scarred, and they all look as if nothing could faze them.
They waltz in like they own the place, standing too close together. Verity seats them at a booth. Immediately, the giant takes one side and the two smaller ones take the other, sliding close together: the shortest slides in first, the one with the worst clothes slides in second.
Verity thinks she should have seated them at a table with chairs, because the two men on one side of the booth appear to be- she can't even bring herself to think the word. Sinners, she thinks instead, blanket-covering their particular sin. Very misguided souls.
They order, or at least, the giant and the ripped-jacket wearer order. The shortest man with the blue eyes does not order.
Verity brings their orders to Neal, in the kitchen. She voices her worries in a whisper.
"I'm sure it's fine," Neal says. "We get odd people all the time, honey."
"Yes," Verity agrees. "Yes, we do."
Besides, the men had to have seen the sign. The sign that said Christian Establishment. The subtext of that sign said that those sins would not be tolerated here.
Verity brings back food to the two men.
"Thanks," Giant says, taking the food with a smile.
"Thanks," Ripped Jacket repeats, taking his food as well. They both begin to eat. Giant is well-mannered. Ripped Jacket is less so.
Blue Eyes reaches over and steals a fry from Ripped Jacket's plate. The man laughs. Blue Eyes tries the fry, and seems to determine it unworthy. After taking a small bite, he sets it down.
"Why do you keep trying food?" Ripped Jacket asks, smiling as he pops the rest of the fry in his mouth.
"I don't know," says Blue Eyes. "I do find a certain pleasure in stealing your food."
Ripped jacket rolls his eyes teasingly and says, "Asshole."
Verity winces.
Blue Eyes takes another fry and contemplates it, rolling it between his fingers. "The process that this food item went through-"
"Shh!" interrupts Ripped Jacket, taking the fry and placing it carefully in his mouth. He talks around it. "Respect the fry, man; don't tell me stuff I don't need to know."
"Stuff you don't want to know, you mean," Giant clarifies.
Blue Eyes steals another fry anyway, after Ripped Jacket has taken a bite of burger. This time, he places it on top of the napkin dispenser deliberately. He doesn't say anything, but his eyes are dancing with amusement.
"Cas!" Ripped Jacket whines.
Blue Eyes, or Cas, tilts his head innocently.
"Give it back," Ripped Jacket orders childishly.
"I don't know what you are referring to, Dean," Cas says.
Dean glares at Cas. "My fry."
"So much effort over three calories worth of food," Giant says.
"Oh, shut up, Sam," Dean says. He leans over Cas, reaching for the fry. Cas tries to push him away. Dean refuses to be pushed away. He wraps Cas in one arm and grabs the fry with the other hand.
"You realize," Cas says, "I could push you on the floor with no more effort than it would take for you to eat that fry."
"But you won't," Dean says.
"Oh, get a room, you two," Sam grumbles.
Verity misses the response of "You shut your pie-hole, Sammy!" because she is busy heading back toward Neal. She's heard what she needed to hear. These men needed to be out of her establishment.
Verity comes back with Neal in tow. She points her finger at the man with the most blatant- she forces herself to think the dreaded word- homosexual tendencies. Dean.
"You have the Devil in you!" she announces.
The three men freeze, and go silent.
Dean looks to Cas, and to Sam, then back to Cas, and Sam again. He begins to laugh.
All the sudden, all three are laughing hard.
"Oh!" Dean says in surprise, "You mean he was here the whole time? Looks like your search is over, Cas!"
This makes the men laugh harder, and it makes Verity and Neal more uncomfortable. Sam points out calmly, "Out of the three of us at the table… she picked the only one who hasn't had the Devil in them."
More laughter, bordering on the hysteria of very little sleep.
"We'll leave," Dean says, before Verity can collect her wits. They stand and move toward the door. They haven't left any money.
"Wait," Neal says, voice low. He's tall. He's not as tall as Sam, but he's as tall as Dean. He can try to intimidate them. "You have to pay."
Cas stares him in the eyes as he interrupts, "It is your intolerance for change, rather than your misguided sense of religion, that causes you to reject homosexuals. It is telling that your desire for currency outweighs your wish to have us out of your shop. You will have your money."
Money appears on the table. Verity and Neal glance at it, shaken. Dean's eyebrows shoot upwards.
"And we will depart." Cas grips Dean's left hand and Sam's right, and they're gone.
("How much money did you leave?" asks Sam.)
("One hundred dollars. I am curious to see if their desire for currency overcomes their distrust for what just happened.")
("Dude," says Dean. "That was classic. Better than the time we got chased out of the whorehouse.")
("When what?" Sam asks. )
("Oh, man… this was back when the Michael/Lucifer thing was happening, and Cas thought he was going to die in the morning…")
So... this was fun. Yes, the entire story was a setup for the "You have the Devil in you!" "No, but they both did!" joke.
Note from the other side of the internet: Gays don't actually have the Devil in them- there's only one Devil, see, they can't all have him. Duh. Maybe they've each got a demon?