A/N: Credit goes to iSparkleSister for Edward's first proposal. Apparently she was channeling Buzz Lightyear.
Disclaimer: Yet again: don't own the Twilight series, don't want to, not making any profit, don't claim any rights. Stephenie Meyer owns all and she's welcome to it. Just here for presenting the public with an honest & condensed version of her glorious works of literary art.
A Tale of Co-dependency
Otherwise known as
Eclipse
BELLA: I am a free, independent woman and I think for myself! I call no man my master! My decisions are made of my own free will!
EDWARD: Bella, I say that you will go to this college and I say that you will not have prolonged contact with any being other than myself and, in closing, I say that you will fetch me my slippers! Now scurry, bitch, my feet are cold.
BELLA: Yes, Master. Glad to serve.
CHARLIE: Bells, stay out of Seattle. There's some whackjob murderer on a killing spree over there and I don't want you near it.
BELLA: Overprotective maniac! How DARE you take measures to protect my life!
EDWARD: Bella, sumptuous one, remain afar from Seattle. You must not be damaged.
BELLA: Oh, swoon! Such desire to protect me is heartwarming! --swoon--
And so, as Seattle is RAVAGED by the third wave of EVIL VAMPIRES in as many books, THE COLLECTIVE CULLENS look upon the bloody massacre and tut-tut at this minor impediment towards a peaceful society.
ROSALIE then tells her HARROWING STORY, the moral of which is: do not be a shallow, navel-gazing, egocentric bimbo, because it'll get you VAMPIRIZED. BELLA chooses to ignore ROSALIE'S sensible lecture on Why Bella Swan Should Not Become A Vampire™ and instead opts to attempt to seduce EDWARD.
BELLA: Ravish me, Edward!
EDWARD: No, my delectable dewberry. Your dazzling virginity must be kept intact.
BELLA: --pout--
EDWARD: However, I will pin you down and straddle you, and we shall proceed to neck and grope in a virtuous fashion.
BORED READERS: If vampire skin is so icy, why doesn't Bella's tongue stick to Edward when she licks him?
BELLA now spends MUCH TIME nuzzling her personal slab of animated marble. EDWARD eventually decides to propose.
EDWARD: My dearest, accept this ring as you have accepted my soul-deep love for you. We shall pledge our troth to each other and forgo all others for eternity and beyond.
BELLA: Edward, my precious paramour, only girls who are stupid and irresponsible and immature get hitched straight out of high school.
NON-FANGIRL READERS: Well, it must be comforting, knowing your future.
The AUTHOR now examines B&E's obsessive—er, devoted relationship.
BELLA: Oh Edward, my dearest hunk of honey-sweet marble, I fear that we must part company for two minutes so that I may make a dash for the toilet! I don't know how I'll cope without you suctioned to my hip for such an eternity! --whimperangstwhine--
EDWARD: Be strong, my luscious loveliness! The separation shall not be a long one!
FANGIRL READERS: Oh, such devotion is heart-warming and romantic! --breathy sigh--
NON-FANGIRL READERS: Er…yeah.
EDWARD now proposes. Again.
EDWARD: I beg you, Bella, to be joined with me in matrimonial harmony.
BELLA: Silly Edward. Marriage is for hicks!
JASPER now tells his HARROWING STORY, the moral of which is…oh, wait, there is no moral. Sorry.
EDWARD is damn determined, gotta give 'im that.
EDWARD: Please to marry me?
BELLA: If it'll make you shut up, then FINE, I'll MARRY you.
EDWARD: Oh, rapturous day! Oh, joyous, rapturous day! Lovely happy perfect joyful beatific JOY! Oh, joy--!
NON-FANGIRL READERS (and possibly BELLA as well): Stuff a strudel in it, Eddie.
A depressing amount of chapters in which absolutely nothing happens shall now be skipped, allowing us to move on to this:
THE COLLECTIVE CULLENS (sans EDWARD) and the WEREWOLVES team up against the EVIL VAMPIRES in what was clearly intended to be an EPIC BATTLE. However, the battle falls several miles short of 'epic.'
THE AUTHOR takes this opportunity to insert poorly-veiled ANTI-FEMINISM PROPAGANDA: when the only female WEREWOLF gets involved in the action instead of nurturing and housekeeping like a DUTIFUL FEMALE, things go to HELL.
Meanwhile, EDWARD and BELLA are shacked up in a tent. JACOB BLACK was, too, but he's been omitted for condensing purposes.
VICTORIA: Sorry to interrupt your ritual of groping Bella whilst preaching about preservation of virtue, Eddie, but SMeyer's gotten tired of having me as the arch-villain and needs you to off me in one fell swoop lacking in any tension whatsoever.
EDWARD: --fell swoop--
VICTORIA: --dead--
BELLA: ZOMG my Eddie-muffin! Are you hurt?!
And so, the AUTHOR wraps up the book by giving THE VOLTURI an unnecessary cameo and by having EDWARD give in to his HORMONES, which have presumably been NUMBED by a century of CELIBACY, as they took quite some time to kick in. BELLA abruptly decides to suddenly become a good little religious girl and remain chaste.
EDWARD: Allow me to ravish you, Bella.
BELLA: No, my sensual snowflake. We must be virtuous and preserve our dazzlingly-pure virginity.
…And the EPILOGUE can, and will, be summed up thusly: JACOB BLACK experiences MUCH ANGST, and nobody gives a damn.
:Fin: