SANTA KLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN
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Summary: When the group learns that Klaus and Santa Claus are one and the same, they do a spell to jump forward in time and kill him on Christmas Eve when he comes to bring them presents. Things grow more complicated when a Christmas angel tries to help them out, a rabid Delena fan worms her way into their universe and Katherine joins them for Christmas Eve dinner. Who gave who what for Christmas? Why does Katherine kidnap the baby Jesus? And can they kill Klaus and find the true meaning of the holiday?
Disclaimer: I make no profit from this story. I do not own The Vampire Diaries or any of its characters. There are a lot of others things in this story that I don't own either.
Author's Notes: You'll be able to tell early on that I sacrificed characterization for humor a lot of the time; I can only hope that it's actually funny and therefore worth it. Also, this story is riddled with references to a number of different things (some obvious, some not), so I hope it's not too annoying/confusing when you encounter a reference you may not be familiar with. I know it's sort of long, but some of the best stuff is at the end. I'll have the complete story published by Christmas.
Please review! And if you have any questions about some of the references, I'd love to answer them, just let me know. I'll also cheer you on if you get them.
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CHAPTER 1 – MAKING CHRISTMAS
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"For over a century, I have lived in secret, hiding in the shadows, until now. I am a vampire. And this is my story. I shouldn't have come home. I know the risk. But I had no choice: I have to know her."
Damon cleared his throat as he strolled into his brother's bedroom: "Uh, Stefan, who are you talking to?"
Stefan was silent.
Damon wasn't going to let him off the hook; he waited patiently.
Stefan's eyes went from side to side as he racked his brain for ideas: "Well, Damon, I was just, uh, repeating my morning mantra – you know, to help me get through the day: Stefan, today you are not going to let the blood control you. Stuff like that."
"How 'self-help' of you. Of course, as far as I can tell, after 145 years of struggling with addiction and locking away a part of yourself, you seem to have mastered it after just one week on human blood Because…no, wait, I don't understand it at all."
"It has been longer than a week."
"Actually, it hasn't," Damon corrected. "If you work it out, it really hasn't."
"Well, it's because I was drinking Elena's blood. She helped me hold back."
"Thanks for reminding me about that – not. And you've only drunk Elena's blood three times since you started this back-on-people-blood thing. You've mostly been blood-bagging it. By the way, it's your turn to break into the Red Cross – we're almost out."
"Well, I've got control now because I've only been drinking a little bit each day," Stefan argued.
"It was more than a little bit when Elena helped you recover from Mason's vervain-filled."
Stefan groaned: "There's too much going on with Elijah, werewolves, Katherine, the moonstone, and Klaus for me to lose control right now. Maybe later."
Damon shrugged. "I'm just a little bit annoyed, because it's one of your only flaws, and it has been completely whitewashed. I mean, don't I get to be better than you at anything?"
Stefan shook his head. "No." He paused. "Well, there is that thing about how I forced you to complete the transition into full vampire. That wasn't very good of me."
"But you've already apologized for that twice," Damon countered. "I'm going to look like a douche if I keep lording it over you. And anyway, you did it because you loved me, so actually it's kind of endearing. I need you to do something repulsive."
Damon set the Mystic Falls Gazette down in front of his brother. "This is what I was coming to show you."
The headline read: Large Turnout Expected for Mystic Falls Tree Planting Day.
Stefan was confused: "So?"
"My friend – Liz-"
"Yeah, I know you mean Liz, Damon. She's your only friend."
"That's not true. There's Carol Lockwood. Kelly Donovan."
"OK, all of the cougars. My mistake."
"Anyway, Liz insisted that we come. The article talks about how the city council is trying to pass a new law about logging, and the mysterious deforestation just west of our property."
"Oh. Our firewood."
"Yeah. I think Liz might suspect it's us."
"But Damon, it's necessary that we have a fire in every fireplace every day all day long. That requires a lot of wood."
"But why? Is it cold?"
"I don't know. I'm not sure what month it is."
Damon looked down at the newspaper; the date was illegible.
"Do we have to go to another community event?" Stefan asked. "Yesterday we had the charity Luau and tomorrow is Deck the Ruins, in preparation for the Under the Stars Ball later this week. Don't forget about the Knife-Sharpening Festival, the Blood Drive, Bench-Painting Day, and Fur-Coat Restoration Day, all of which are also coming up this week."
"We're definitely going to the last one – I want to get my wolf pelt cleaned."
"I still can't believe you waited until the next full moon to kill Jules just to show her that you weren't afraid. Or that you skinned her after killing her. Have I told you how obscene that is?"
"Yes, you have. You're saying that now – but just wait until you see our new rug. Or maybe I'll wear it around when it gets cold. Will it get cold?"
Stefan shook his head. "I don't know. But what about Jules? It's very disrespectful."
"Nobody liked her, Stefan. She didn't think I was charming – so, strike one. Plus she was arrogant, and I think she peed on me. Oh, and she killed Rose."
Stefan was a little offended on Rose's behalf to hear her be such an afterthought. Stefan never got a chance to thank her for saving Damon. After the bite, things got a little wacky, and Damon ended up putting her out of her misery before the bite's poison ran its full course.
Damon pointed at the newspaper. "We're going." He began to leave, but then stopped in his tracks and turned back to Stefan: "What's all of this 'this is my story' business?"
Stefan blushed. "Well, everyone saw me first, didn't they?"
"Not so," Damon stated. "I killed that couple before anyone saw you."
"Elena saw me first."
"Wrong again, little brother. Bonnie and Elena hit my crow on their way to school, before they had any clue about you."
"Whatever happened to that crow?"
Damon glared. "You ate it, remember? Your diet is filthy – have I ever told you that? And mean: you ate my pet. And don't think I've forgotten about Lucky."
Stefan rolled his eyes. "For the last time, I didn't kill Lucky. What kind of sixteen year-old boy has a pet rabbit anyway? Who are you? Criss Angel? Even if I was responsible for Lucky's disappearance – he was just a rabbit You killed Lexi – my best friend, who was not an animal!"
"Just be glad I didn't skin her. It rubs the lotion on its skin…" he mumbled as he resumed walking out of the room.
"Oh, and I'm with Elena," Stefan argued, forcing Damon to stop again. "Since Elena is the center of the universe, as her boyfriend, that makes me better and more important than you. Don't you agree? I'm with Elena," he repeated to reinforce his point.
"For now…" Damon uttered ominously, finally exiting.
Stefan thought he heard something about a "triangle" before Damon was totally out of earshot.
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The citizens of Mystic Falls gathered at a clear-cut area in the forest and put on their gloves.
"All of the areas where the saplings are going to be planted have been marked with red ribbon," began Carol Lockwood. She droned on in the background.
"I discarded Jules' body out here somewhere. I wonder if someone will find it. It's so much easier to dispose of an animal's body – you don't even have to hide it," Damon whispered to Stefan.
"I hope no one wanders down to the tomb," Stefan replied.
"Oh, is that around here?" Damon asked.
"I'm not sure. It might be. It's in the forest. A couple of guys could probably move the stone door away if they gave it their all."
"Yeah, that door is heavy."
"I hadn't noticed," Caroline chirped, skipping over to them.
Damon greeted her indifferently, Stefan nodded warmly.
"Damon and I were talking, Caroline" Stefan began. "And we think it's your turn to rob the blood bank."
Damon laughed, but he spotted Elena, Bonnie, and Jeremy before he said anything. He waved flirtatiously at Elena. "The newspaper was right: large turnout."
"I wasn't expecting to see you here," Elena said to Stefan as the two groups combined.
"Damon thought we ought to help replant some of the trees since we were the ones who cut them all down."
Caroline gasped. "You what?"
"The wood has to come from somewhere. You can't have fires like a medieval king without fuel. They'll grow back. They always do."
"That's easy for you to say, you're 162 years old."
"I've always wondered who builds those fires…" Elena mused aloud. "…who stokes them, who throws another log on the fire. I've never seen you guys do any of that."
"Damon stokes the fires – he definitely knows how to handle a poker," Jeremy joked, remembering Damon torturing Mason with the fireplace implement. "I didn't mean that to sound so dirty," he added, after getting weird looks from everyone. "Perhaps I should rephrase."
Damon ignored him and answered Elena: "That's easy. It's our house elf. He does all of that."
"You have a house elf?"
"Sure. Dobby. The Salvatore house elf."
All of the sudden Elijah appeared from nowhere. He narrowed his eyes at them. "What were you saying about me?"
"No-nothing," Elena replied, frightened.
Elijah relaxed. "Oh. OK."
Stefan noticed Damon staring at the old vampire: "Is there something you want to tell me?" he asked. "Are you batting for the other team now?"
"I think I do have a bit of a crush on him," Damon confessed. "He pulled out two hearts at the same time – right in front of me! And I stuck a stake the size of my arm into his heart and all he had to do was walk it off."
Stefan had to agree: "Yeah, he's something else." Seeing Katherine afraid of Elijah lent him a new awesomeness in Stefan's eyes.
"Finally, we have something in common!" Damon exclaimed.
"Actually, we've got, like, everything in common, Damon," his brother replied. "Way too much, in fact."
Stefan glanced over at Elena, and behind her terror at Elijah he saw a poorly-masked appreciation.
He didn't like it.
"What are you doing here, Elijah?" Stefan asked sternly.
"I put the word out to Klaus that I've got Katherine. And nothing. So I put out the word that I've got the human doppelganger. Still nothing. I'm growing impatient. These lures don't seem to be working – at least not on my schedule. So I think we should take advantage of the one time of year when Klaus comes out and about on his own. When he leaves his reclusion and ventures forth into the world."
"What time of year is that?" Bonnie asked.
Elijah furrowed his brows and looked around at the others. "Is she serious?"
The others were as equally inquisitive.
He shook his head, exasperated. "Christmas time. Duh!"
"I don't get it. Does he just really like Christmas?" Caroline asked.
Elijah shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe that's how it started."
"How what started?" Elena asked.
Elijah shook his head in disbelief. "Come on, people! Christmas Eve. Chimney. Reindeer. Presents."
"Are you trying to tell us that Klaus is Santa Claus?" Damon asked, his eyebrows drawn together quizzically. "That they are one and the same? That this figure is actually…Santa Klaus?"
"Yes!"
"No way," Jeremy muttered. "It can't be."
"Klaus is Santa, and Santa is Klaus," Elijah clarified.
Apparently it wasn't getting through: "Klaus is with Santa?" Elena asked.
"They're working together?" Bonnie echoed.
"No! They're the same! One entity, one body. Blood hell!"
"So you're saying that Santa and Klaus have some sort of connection…" Stefan pondered.
"Yes, obviously," Caroline said. "But what kind?"
Elijah was ready to strangle someone: "Are you all very stoned? Santa Klaus! Santa Klaus!"
"We're moonstoned," Bonnie joked.
"So, they're the same person?" Jeremy asked.
"Yes!"
The others were beginning to nod.
"But why?" Elena asked. "Why would a bloodthirsty vampire like Christmas? Why would he give presents to children and spread holiday cheer?"
Elijah shrugged. "Yeah, I don't know. I've never gotten that about him."
"Santa is real?" Jeremy asked. "He really does those things? He comes down the chimney and delivers presents to kids?"
"Klaus is a very powerful vampire – he is capable of things you wouldn't believe. Although I doubt he actually comes down the chimney."
"But Santa is supposed to be good," Bonnie argued.
"He does some good things. But have you really listened to what people say about him?
You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
He's making a list
Checking it twice.
He's going to find out who's naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is coming to town
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake
Or what about:
Jump in you bed, cover up your head
Cause Santa Claus comes tonight
He can get into any house he wants to – he's totally immune from that restriction. He likes the blood of children. He feeds on them and then compels them to forget."
"Why don't we just go to the North Pole and kill him where he lives?" Damon asked.
"There's no guarantee that he'd be there," Elijah answered. "And it's like a vampire Fort Knox. Spells, defenses of all sorts. Pressurized vervain gas – yeah, it exists. Plus he's got wolves patrolling the grounds during the day."
"Werewolves?" Caroline asked.
"No, just regular wolves."
"I thought you were going to say that he had werewolves working for him. That would be pretty badass," Jeremy commented. "That maybe they had been working for him for centuries in exchange for his blood, a secret pack, with rune tattoos."
"You've got some crazy ideas, kid," Elijah replied.
"If you're impatient now, I find it hard to believe that you want to wait until the end of December," Elena wondered.
"How long of a wait is it?"
No one knew.
"Well, no matter. There's no need to wait," Elijah replied. "My warlocks know a time-jump spell. Of course, it's a powerful spell – they'll need Bonnie's help."
The group turned to look at the witch.
"I'll do everything I can," she replied.
"So, do we suspect that there might be some link between Klaus and Santa Claus?" Stefan asked.
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Damon had been "less than happy" when he found out that Bonnie had been carrying on with Luka and Jonas, and keeping their existence a secret from him. About as thrilled as Bonnie had been when she learned that Luka was a double agent. While Elijah kept his acquirement of the fully-functional moonstone a secret, everything else was more or less out in the open, and the dust had settled.
Damon worried that they were being lulled into trusting Elijah and the Martins, but Elijah's confidence was nearly addicting. They wanted to be on the side of the guy who said he could kill Klaus, and sounded like he actually believed it.
After watching Tyler agonize over Mason, Caroline put her foot down and declared that he needed to know the truth. Damon, realizing how easily he had killed Jules, decided that she could tell Tyler whatever she wanted to. Tyler didn't take the news too well at first, but he eventually accepted what had happened.
Everyone gathered at the Salvatore boardinghouse for the spell. They decided to just go ahead and do it. Living in fear of Klaus was stressful, so even though a jump in time would be disorienting, the payoff was worth it.
"So how does this work, exactly?" Stefan asked Jonas.
"Well, you stand back and don't get in our way, and Bonnie, Luka, and I do the spell."
"Yes, I know that. I mean after. It's going to be Christmas, but what are going to remember about the time that we skipped?"
"The spell folds time. All of the time in between this moment and the other side in December will simply not exist. No one in the world will remember anything about the interval."
"Won't they wonder? Won't they think 'wait, what did I do for Thanksgiving?'?"
"It's magic, Stefan. Don't think so much. You ask too many questions. Please go away."
"But it doesn't make any sense."
Jonas turned his back on Stefan.
"This seems like an awfully powerful spell," Jeremy said. "Are you sure you're strong enough to do it, Bonnie?"
"If we're meant to do it, then we will. If not, then we'll fail."
Jeremy furrowed his eyebrows. "What do you mean?"
"Whatever's in the script is what will happen."
"I didn't know you were religious."
"Not 'scripture', Jeremy: script."
"I'm confused."
"I know."
"I didn't know this spell existed," Luka commented to his father.
"It doesn't. But how else is it supposed to be Christmas?"
Luka nodded unsurely.
Luka, Jonas, and Bonnie came together in the center of the room.
"We need to figure out how far to jump ahead," Jonas stated.
"Take us to December 22," Elijah commanded.
Jonas nodded. "So, from today that would be…how many days?"
He looked around, no one knew.
"The last time I knew what the date was it was Halloween," Caroline said.
"My birthday was after that," Stefan said.
"What day is your birthday?" Caroline asked, already planning the cake she was going to bake.
He furrowed his brows. "Hmmm. I guess I'm not sure what day my birthday is."
Damon turned to Elena: "All of this spell stuff is so boring, don't you think? There's some wind, maybe flickering of flames, some chanting, then Bonnie's nose bleeds…it's always the same. And all I can do is wonder why those words make a spell happen, and wonder why I'm stuck in a word where witches can do basically anything when it suits them."
All of the sudden there was a flash, and it was very cold.
"Wow, a flash," Damon stated. "How original (!)"
"It seems to have worked," Elena commented, crossing her arms and pressing them into her meager chest to keep warm. "It's winter."
Damon took off his jacket and put it over her shoulders. "You have no idea how excited I am that I get to do this," he declared.
"Now what?" Stefan asked Elijah.
"In order to get Santa to come here, we need a child who believes in him."
Everyone turned and look at Jeremy.
He laughed. "Seriously?"
No one else was laughing.
Jeremy crossed his arms: "I'm sixteen! And I'm not a young sixteen, either. I've had lots and lots of sex – with older women. I've died three times. I've-"
"What do you mean 'three times'?" Elena demanded.
"Katherine drained me to death twice when she had me in the tomb with her." He swallowed, and then added: "She was very thirsty." He shuddered: he didn't really like remembering all of the things that happened in those dark depths with that evil woman. He shuddered again.
"Despite all that, you're still the youngest," Damon pointed out. "So Santa will come bring him gifts."
Elijah negated: "He doesn't believe in Santa."
"But I do," Jeremy argued. "Santa Klaus. I believe."
"He has to believe in Santa Claus of Christmas. Jolly Old St. Nicholas. It has to be the pure belief of a child. We'll compel him."
"What?" Jeremy protested. He began backing away. "I already had my mind violated. It's not fair."
Damon was laughing. Caroline and Bonnie were giggling, but trying to hide it.
"Have you ingested any vervain recently, you man?" Elijah asked, stalking him down.
"Gallons," Jeremy replied.
"You're lying. You're all idiots, you know that," he announced to the room. "Ingest it! These bracelets and necklaces aren't doing the job. I mean, at least do an anklet – that's harder to see and harder to rip off: it requires bending over. Even vampires get too lazy to bend over sometimes."
Elijah cornered Jeremy, tore the bracelet off of him, and compelled him: "You will not remember learning that Klaus and Santa Claus are the same person. You will believe what you believed about Santa Claus before you learned that he wasn't real, that Santa Claus is a good and magical man who will bring you presents and leave them under your tree on Christmas Eve after you go to bed. You will not remember being compelled to believe this. If anyone tells you that Santa Claus isn't real or that Santa Claus is Klaus, you will ignore what they say about it."
"So Klaus is just going to fly here to Mystic Falls in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer, land on the roof, come down the chimney, and leave a present for Jeremy?" Damon asked.
"Sounds delicious," commented Stefan, licking his lips.
Tyler nodded in agreement.
"Yes," Elijah replied to Damon. "Well, except for the chimney part. Again, probably not that. But the rest, yes."
"How is Santa going to know what I want for Christmas?" Jeremy wondered, coming out of his trance. He turned to Elena: "We need to go to the mall to see Santa: I have to tell him what I want for Christmas. We're running out of time."
Elena looked to the others for some help, but no one said anything.
She shrugged. "All right, Jeremy. We'll go."
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Stefan, Elena, and Bonnie went with Jeremy to the mall to see Santa.
Everyone pulled out their phones and took a picture of him sitting on Santa's lap. Stefan used his super-hearing to inform the others what Jeremy was asking for.
"Well, not-so-little boy, what do you want for Christmas this year?"
Jeremy was smiling giddily. "Well, Santa, I want Artie to be able to walk. I want Bonnie to realize that she's in love with me. Super strength would come in pretty handy, and I certainly wouldn't mind it if you brought my parents back to life." He thought about it some more, and then nodded in conclusion. "I think that's it."
Santa rolled his eyes. "Come on, kid: this isn't Miracle on 34th Street. Good little children ask for toys."
Jeremy considered this. "Well, I can think of a couple of toys I'd like, but I doubt they make those at Santa's workshop."
Santa looked a little troubled. Then he patted Jeremy on the shoulder. "I'll do my best, sonny. Next!" He shoved Jeremy down.
"You should go," Stefan urged, nudging Elena towards the man in the suit.
She fought it, but then finally agreed and went up to sit on Santa's lap.
"And what can I do for you, little girl?" he asked. "That's just a present in my pocket, by the way."
"Uh…"
"So, what do you want for Christmas?"
"Right. Well…" She leaned in to whisper in his ear because she didn't want to Stefan to hear: "Well, there's this guy..."
"Uh-huh. I'm listening."
"And I really want to…um, 'kiss' him. He's got gorgeous blue eyes, and strong arms, and…" Elena lost her track of thought.
"I see," Santa encouraged.
"But, I've got a boyfriend already."
"Well, it sounds like you've got a problem there, missy."
"Yes."
Elena was silent.
Santa waited for her to speak, but when she said nothing, he spoke up: "…And you want what for Christmas exactly?"
"Oh. Well, a solution, I guess."
Santa furrowed his furry brow. "A threesome?"
"That sounds nice," she replied, beginning to drool. But then Elena shook her head at him. "Santa, this isn't True Blood! We're not on HBO."
"I'm not sure I know exactly what that means. Uh, let Santa think about it."
Elena nodded and exited to the side.
"Are you going up there?" Bonnie asked Stefan.
"I'm about 152 years too old to sit on Santa's lap," he responded.
"What's the harm?"
Stefan let himself be convinced. He took a seat on Santa's lap.
Santa was frowning. "Are you serious?"
Stefan frowned back. "Just do your job, old man."
"Are you sure she wouldn't rather go first?" Santa asked wistfully, indicating Bonnie.
"Nope," Stefan replied.
Santa sighed. "Fine. Go."
"Well, I have this ex…" Stefan began.
Santa's eyes grew wide in exasperation. "Go on," he replied wearily.
"I don't think I'm quite over her," Stefan confessed. "She's not…good. In fact, she's downright bad. But I just can't stop thinking about her – she's sex in heels. Well, she's barefoot right now. I've sort of got her trapped underground. Never mind that. I have a girlfriend, that's the real problem. And my brother's in love with her too. Not my girlfriend – my ex. Well, actually, my girlfriend too. Anyway, it would destroy him."
"Who do you kids think I am? Dr. Phil? Jerry Springer? Get the hell out of here!" Santa began pushing Stefan away.
"Wait! But what about my wish?"
"You're getting coal!" Santa hollered. He turned to his elf: "I'm taking five. Oh, and NO MORE TEENAGERS!"
Elijah strolled past Stefan, Elena, Jeremy, and Bonnie. "These outfits are all wrong!" he criticized of Santa and the elf before passing on.
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Stefan headed back to the boardinghouse to find Damon opening a parcel.
"You're just in time, Stefan," Damon said. He used his pocket knife to cut the packaging tape and then he folded back the flaps of the cardboard box and pulled out a lamp, the stand of which was a woman's legs, in fishnet stockings. "Isn't she beautiful?"
"You ordered that?"
"Yeah, I think so."
Damon carried it over to the end table and gently set it down. "Wait for it," he ordered as he plugged it in. The dim light filled the room.
"It's right in front of the window, Damon," Stefan complained. "The neighbors will be able to see it."
"Do we have neighbors?" Damon asked. "I don't think we have neighbors."
"It's way to kitschy for our décor. It's way too kitschy for any décor."
"If you say décor one more time I'm going to have to make fun of you."
"It's cold," Stefan remarked, changing the subject. "We should make a fire." He tried to come up with a good way to break the lamp on accident. Maybe if he was lucky, another werewolf would break in and attack them.
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The group had another meeting that evening.
"How are we going to kill Klaus?" Elena asked. "He'll be at my house, and hopefully his guard will be down, but how will we actually kill him?"
"Well, fortunately for us, Christmas Eve is a full moon this year," Elijah said.
"That's an awfully big coincidence," Damon remarked.
"Yes, yes it is," Elijah said. "But even if it wasn't a full moon, we could just do a spell to make it a full moon."
Damon nodded.
"So Tyler is your plan?" Caroline asked Elijah.
Elijah nodded. "We'll have Tyler restrained in the basement. When Santa arrives, we'll release him, and he'll bite Klaus. So even if Klaus gets away, he'll still die. We'll do a spell to keep Klaus contained in the house, and hopefully it'll be strong enough to hold him. That's plan B. If Tyler doesn't manage to bite Klaus, he should be able to at least chase him in my direction, where I'll behead him. Damon and Stefan, you'll be in other parts of the house with axes as well, Plan C."
"Alphabet plans," Damon mused. "Katherine would approve."
"And this is going to work?" Bonnie asked.
"If it's the end of the season it'll work," Elijah replied.
They all nodded.
Elena turned to Jeremy. "We don't have a basement, do we?" she asked. "I don't think we have a basement."
"If you don't, then we'll just do a spell to make a basement for your house," Elijah answered her.
"You're going to kill Santa?" Jeremy asked, on the on the verge of tears.
"Not Santa, "Elena comforted. "Klaus." She patted him on the back.
He cheered up. "Oh. That's OK, then."
"Um…" Tyler began. Everyone turned to him. "Well, nobody asked me if I was willing to risk my life to do this."
"But you have to," Stefan argued. "Klaus needs a werewolf to break the curse; he'll be coming for you."
"If the moonstone is destroyed, then he'll have no need of me," Tyler returned. "I mean, no one knows I'm a werewolf, right?"
Stefan's face fell. "Oh yeah."
"You'll do it or I'll kill your mother and Granny Lockwood. And Caroline. And Matt Donovan. Kay?" Elijah said. "And then I'll kill you."
"OK," Tyler answered, nodding quickly. "I'll do it."
All of the sudden Elena gasped.
"What is it?" Stefan asked quickly. In panic, everyone gathered around her.
"I just realized that it's two days until Christmas and I haven't done any shopping!" she cried.
Caroline gasped a second later. "Oh my gosh, you're right!
Stefan sighed in relief. "Is that all?" But then he realized that he hadn't done any Christmas shopping either!
"And we were just at the mall!" Elena lamented.
"What are we going to do about Aunt Judith?" Jeremy asked. "I mean Aunt Jenna."
"How about some new boots?" Elena suggested.
"Not her present! I mean, how do we kill Klaus while she's in the house? Hey, that rhymes. I think she might get suspicious."
"Well, I don't want to deprive you of my awesome fighting skills or my top-notch theatrical abilities, but maybe I could take Jenna away for a couple of days. A nice romantic trip to…wherever," Alaric proposed.
"You want to break up team badass?" Damon asked, his bottom lip quivering, hurt in his eyes.
"It's a good idea," Stefan asserted. "You can keep Jenna safe and out of the way at the same time. This way we won't have to be subjected to her comical obliviousness or her ridiculously youthful appearance. We won't have to convince her that she walked into a knife. We won't have to simultaneously wonder what's going on in her life and not care. And she won't be able to invite any more evil vampires into her house."
"Or maybe we should just tell her the truth," Alaric recommended. "Maybe if she had known the truth all along, she wouldn't have invited Katherine or Elijah into the house. She wouldn't have stabbed herself. She wouldn't have told Katherine that Elena and Stefan were secretly seeing each other. By keeping the truth from her, we're actually putting her and us in more danger. Maybe we should reveal everything to her and end this ludicrous charade."
"Nah," Elena said. "Oh, and can I recommend the Dove Tree Inn? It's on the Shenandoah. Great hiking!"
"I didn't know you liked hiking," Stefan commented.
"That's because we never talk or do leisure activities together," Elena replied. "Why don't we go have sex?"
"OK. Do you have any black, lacy underwear? Do you think you could put it on? And is there anywhere underground where we could go to do it?"
"Like a tomb? You want to have tomb sex?"
"I'm feeling a little unfulfilled in that department."
"You could go to the old Lockwood slave quarters," Tyler suggested. "I take many of my conquests down there. The dank smell and bondage equipment really gets them in the mood."
Caroline nodded. "It's true."
Before they left, Caroline pulled Elena aside. "There isn't any chance that Mr. Saltzman is coming back for Christmas, is there? You know, he's really kind of hot. I know he's with your aunt right now, but do you think they'll be breaking up any time soon."
"Caroline," Elena scolded, "this is not Gossip Girl! No teachers! Aren't you happy enough with your love triangle? I find mine quite satisfying."