A/N: As I stated, I wanted to express Allie's feelings more in the updated chapter...but it didn't work out. So I decided to try it out with a song-fic. Hopefully it's alright. I read it and it wasn't really what I expected but it was enough. Hope you like it!
When It Was Me
By Paula DeAnda
Ooh, no
Yeah, yeah
I am in such a disheveled state. I just want to go home and lay in my bed but of course, being the person that I am…I stayed a bit more helping with the clean up and stuff. My wake up call should have been more than enough but I still feel a little exhausted, but not physically…it feels more…I don't know…it's just…hard to explain. I know I'm not jealous, that's clearly not the factor here but I don't know what it is. Every time I see them together I can't help but feel like…like…I don't know…left out? Maybe…but then again…not really. Glancing at them now, I feel like some intruder…
She's got green eyes and she's 5'5"
Long brown hair all down her back
Cadillac truck
So the hell what
What's so special about that
She used to model, she's done some acting
So she weighs a buck 'o 5
And I guess she's alright if perfection is what you like
Kai and Julia are in the kitchen picking up trash on the floor and paper plates on the tables, talking at the same time. They were in view so it was pretty easy to give quick subtle glances at them. They were still in their pajamas unlike the rest of us who fell asleep in our clothes—Kai's consisting of boxers and a shirt, Julia was wearing long red stripped pants and a double layered pink and white shirt. Kai was leaning on the chair, smirking at something she said, a gleam in his eyes. I couldn't help but roll my eyes in annoyance. But I didn't know whether I was annoyed at myself or at the used-to-be couple in the other room. I let out a low growl; I can't believe I'm dwelling on this so much.
Ooh, ooh, and I'm not jealous, no I'm not
Ooh, ooh, I just want everything she's got
Ooh, ooh, you look at her so amazed
I remember way back when you used to look at me that way
After our little clean up, we decided to stop and have breakfast first.
"I'll make us breakfast, does pancakes sound good?" Julia asked, the air of confidence rolling off her skin. I couldn't help but shake my head in amazement. I think she should donate some of that confidence to me, I sure could use some. I glance at Kai as he spoke up.
"Since when can you cook?" He asked in a perplexed tone. I glanced back at Julia as she smirked challengingly.
"Well Kai, I actually took the time to learn. I want to be able to cook when I get married." She replied, a mischievous look on her face. Kai returned it with a slightly amused one. I shook my head a little irritated. If I said something like that he'd come back with an insult about me not ever getting married!
Tell me what makes her so much better than me (so much better than me)
What makes her just everything I can never be
What makes her your every dream and fantasy
Because I can remember when it was me
I let out an exhausted sigh, sitting on the porch steps; my face cradled in my hands watching as Kai playfully slaps Julia upside the head, receiving a smack in the arm in return. I bit my inner cheek watching as they 'flirted' with one another. I felt someone take a seat next to me; I glanced at Raul and gave him a small smile.
"They're like kids huh?" He asked, starting the conversation. I stared harder at the couple and let out a sigh, "More like two people in love…" I grumbled standing up and heading back inside the house, ignoring the awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I rubbed it a bit to try and ease the pain, but it just seemed to get worst.
And now you don't feel the same
I remember you would shiver every time I said your name
You said nothing felt as good as when you gaze into my eyes
Now you don't care I'm alive
How did we let the fire die
Starting off where I left off, I began cleaning up everything when Kai walked in and right pass me like I wasn't even there. I watched as he walked into the kitchen and back out, completely ignoring my very being. I let out an agitated scream while stomping my foot at the same time.
"What's your problem?" I tensed and turned around, Kai staring at my back a brow raised. I narrowed my eyes and turned back around.
"None of your business." I growled out.
He grunts a 'fine' and walks back out. I glance over my shoulder and let out a dejected sigh placing a hand on my forehead. I can't believe this happening to me. I'm letting him get the best of me. I need to just breathe and relax. Everything is going to be fine. I don't need him; I never did…so…it'll be alright. It just has to…right?
Ooh, ooh, and I'm not jealous, no I'm not
Ooh, ooh, I just want everything she's got
Ooh, ooh, you look at her so amazed
I remember way back when you used to look at me that way
I heard footsteps behind me; I turned and spotted Julia smiling at me.
"Here, let me help you with that." She grabbed the other trash bag, grinning from the side. I couldn't help but smile back.
"Allie was it?" She asked as we walked towards the back of the house.
"Yeah" I replied lamely. I was going to go for 'Yeah, Julia right?' but that sounded even more pathetic.
"How long have you known Kai?"
I shrugged my shoulders, "Umm…not too long, maybe a few months" I mumbled out, slouching a bit as I walked. Julia was in front of me, her long brunette hair swing in motion to her walk. She had her back straight, a trait of strong authority—so I heard. I straightened myself as well, but found that with each step I started to slowly slouch again. I shook my head, what the heck was I doing?! Copying her?! Am I crazy?! Okay, so maybe I am…but not crazy enough to change who I am.
When we rounded the corner, Kai came into view, throwing his trash in the bin. He turned when he heard us. He smirked at our forms. He turned his gaze on me, his violet orbs twinkling mockingly.
"What's wrong Gale? Too heavy for you?"
I pursed my lips and strode right pass Julia and Kai, throwing my trash into the bin and rounding on him, but he wasn't paying attention to me anymore, he was offering to take Julia's trash. I couldn't help but gape before stomping off, my fist clenched.
What makes her so much better than me (so much better than me)
What makes her just everything I can never be
What makes her your every dream and fantasy
Because I can remember when it was me
I was about to storm towards my home when Mrs. Hiwatari stopped me, asking me if I was alright. I forced a grin but I highly doubt she believed it since she gave me an unconvincing look when I said everything was fine. And just that moment, Kai and Julia came around the corner as well; I glared at their form and turned away, shoving my hands in my pockets. I lowered my gaze hoping my bangs would cover my eyes. I felt a hand on my shoulder; I looked up and had my gaze collide with Kai's.
"Are you alright?" He asked, scrutinizing my very being with cold yet warm eyes. For a single second I wanted to kiss him in front of everyone, but I stopped myself…too afraid of acting too out of myself. He caressed my cheek with his thumb before turning and heading towards his home to help his mother out with something. I cradled the caressed cheek staring at the spot he previously occupied. Maybe I was getting too ahead of myself, thinking too deep into things…that must be it.
That made you smile (me)
That made you laugh
Me that made you happier than you have ever been, oh me
That was your world (me)
Your perfect girl
Nothing about me has changed
That's why I'm here wondering
I would be lying to say I wasn't stunned to see Tala, Ray and Bryan still here. I stared at them dumbly; too surprised to ask why they were still there. Ray smiled at me.
"We were in the shed, putting away some things." I nodded gratefully as Ray answered my unspoken question. Tala grinned at me. I raised a brow.
"What are you doing Allie? You're not going to stake your claim on your man?" He asked me in a teasing tone. I stared blankly at him, folding my arms across my chest.
"Why should I? I could care less about Kai. He can go and do whatever he wants. I'm not his mother."
I didn't miss the way the guys shared a look with one another. I turned on them, placing my hands on my hips, glaring at them with a newfound anger.
"What?! You think I'm lying?! Well I'm not!" I yelled, angry for some reason. Tala held his hands up in defense.
"Chill out Ag, I never said I didn't doubt you. Really."
I pursed my lips and turned my head away. I felt an arm on my shoulder; I turned towards Ray who gave me a comforting smile.
"You don't need to worry Allie, Kai's not like that…"
I 'hn' and continued glaring at the ground. Shows what he knows, he was in the shed the whole time…he didn't see how he acted around her…how…how different he was…how would he know…if he wasn't there watching from the sidelines? He wouldn't.
What makes her so much better than me (what makes her so much better than me)
What makes her just everything I can never be
What makes her your every dream and fantasy
Because I can remember when it was me
I glanced around the living room, standing in the middle like some lost child. I shoved my hands in my pockets. Soon, the rest of the gang came in. Raul, Julia, and Kai walked in first, followed by Tala, Bryan and Ray. I glanced at them, they all seemed to fit perfectly like some painting done by a professional, and here I was standing a few feet away from them. I know I've been here for a pretty long time, and I've got to know them all…but I can't help but feel like I still don't belong, at least…not with them. Watching how Julia acts so at ease with them, I couldn't help but want to feel like that. Actually, I couldn't help but want everything she seemed to have. My mother once told me that I should appreciate everything I have…but right now, I want what she has…just for a second so I can feel like I'm part of them…part of the picture. Not the person standing by the artist, watching him or her paint the group standing all fittingly in front of the canvas…
What makes her so much better than me (what makes her so much better than me)
What makes her just everything I can never be
What makes her your every dream and fantasy
Because I can remember when it was me
I know it's selfish…but I think that's what's been eating at me all along. I don't feel like I fit in. Look at how easy it is for Julia and Raul to come back after a long time and slide easily along side their friends.
Julia was standing by Kai, and I couldn't help but smile a bit, not the happy smile…no, that would be a lie. But the semi-sad smile, a longing one. Just watching those two interact, and how completely different it is between Kai and myself…I can't help but feel that maybe, just maybe…I'm kidding myself thinking that Kai and I can really be. But then again, he didn't leave me when he could have on the porch swing last night. Instead he stayed…maybe he will…just for a little bit longer. Hopefully until I'm able to let go…at least then, it wouldn't hurt so much.
When it was me
When it was me
When it was me