One Embarrassing Summer
DG322173

Sarah: an idle comment to my beta in reference to another fanfic I'm working on led to the creation of this hilarious fanfic. The comment being that Damon could care less if someone caught him with his pants around his ankles but if anyone even hinted that his humanity had been showing, he'd be downright humiliated. Well, I then got to thinking that maybe he would be embarrassed when caught with his pants around his ankles if the situation was just right and it was just the right person who did the catching. And so, without further ado, here is what my beta and I have come up with in regards to finding that perfect situation to embarrass Damon simply for being caught with his jeans around his ankles by none other than Elena Gilbert.

CREDIT
Credit must go where it is due. I am a firm believer of that and as such, I must give an enormous amount of credit to my amazingly witty and wonderfully helpful beta, Cameron, aka VDfan2107. Without him, many of my fanfics would still be trapped in my head and others would be filled with grammatical and spelling errors. So, Cameron, here's a great big shout-out to show my appreciation for your superb abilities at helping me turn my fanfics into the works of art they can become. Thank you, my friend; I couldn't do it without you.

DISCLAIMER
As I said above, I believe in giving credit where credit is due. But that doesn't mean I have to like writing these damn disclaimers. But the rules for posting stories on Fanfiction require that I include at least one in every story I post. So that's what you're going to get: one disclaimer per story. And here's the one for this story. If I put a section like the on above where I give credit to someone for inspiring a scene or concept, then that scene or concept belongs in part to them. If I claim a concept as my own creation in the beginning author note of a chapter, then, as far as I know, no one else has come up with that concept as I have detailed it from that chapter on. If I have done neither of these things before the chapter, then it is safe to assume that it is so generally used that I have no idea who came up with it first. But I must also say that TVD, the cast, Mystic Falls, and the settings all belong to L.J. Smith and the writers of the show. There's your disclaimer. Remember it because you are not going to get another one this fanfic.

WARNINGS
ALTERNATE UNIVERSE! This fanfic alters from the show's storyline during the summer between Seasons 2 and 3. And yes, I know that whatever happened that summer is anyone's guess since the writers of the show didn't give us much in the way of facts of what did and did not go on that summer. But there is something we do know that did not go on that summer: the events that will take place in this story. Also, Damon and Andie 'broke up' soon after the deathbed scene between Elena and Damon. But they did remain the friends they had become and Andie is still under compulsion to keep everyone's secrets just that: a secret. Okay, now that you have the background info you need, moving on to the rest of the warnings. This story is rated M for my sanity, not that I have any. But I will be telling you know that if any actual smut does take place, it will not appear for quite some time. Also, be warned that this fanfic is under the humor genre for a reason: there will be a lot of hilariously embarrassing scenes for our favorite duo. But I assure, romance is also a genre because those very scenes will inevitably lead to Damon and Elena coming closer and closer to giving voice to their feelings for each other to each other. This story will be told primarily from Damon's perspective but will also include peaks into Elena's thoughts. Now that you have been warned, do not blame me for anything you read that you do not like because I have warned you about what will be taking place in this fanfic.

SUMMARY
What happens when you question Fate? Well, she usually finds a way to screw with you. Damon finds this out the hard way and things only go downhill from there. Damon/Elena

Chapter 1
Never Question Fate

I groan as I haul myself up the stairs of the boarding house. Not only has today been yet another fruitless attempt to find Stefan, but if I close my eyes for even a split-second, those mutilated corpses he left in his wake appear behind my eyelids and silently demand to know why I hadn't prevented their deaths from happening. Even when my humanity switch had been firmly in the "off" position, the results of my brother feasting on humans have always left me feeling sick. But now that Elena has not only forced that switch into the "on" position but had broken the switch in doing so, I am more than sickened by it. In the two weeks I've been doing my damnedest to track him down, I have woken myself up on more than one occasion by screaming from the nightmares the sights of his victims have given me. And I'm typically not a screamer when it comes to nightmares.

What's worse than knowing he rips them apart as he feeds in his quest to get every last drop is that the bloodbath he makes of the homes of his victims are a firm indication that his victims were still among the living when he started dismembering them as he fed. And his attempt at atonement by putting the pieces back together when he's done is actually nauseating. I'd actually prefer to find those homes bathed in blood and littered with body parts rather than to find those horrifying bodies and knowing that they are actually dismembered when my eyes see whole corpses.

And to think I keep going out every time Elena shows up all hopeful with just a tip from the good sheriff, who is now in the know and somehow miraculously on our side. I know what awaits me at the addresses I get from Andie but I go out anyways because I know that the girl I love more than anything else in the world, including my own brother, won't be happy until her boyfriend is back with us. It's no use trying to convince her that even if I succeed, he won't be the same person she had come to know and love. She won't believe that the Stefan she knows is not going to make a reappearance for years with the way Klaus is having him feast upon those bodies. She won't believe it unless I take her with me and show her the bodies her beloved Stefan leaves behind, telling her in no uncertain terms that what she is seeing was not caused by Klaus the evil Original hybrid, but by dear, sweet Stefan, who she believes would never hurt anyone.

And I won't inflict upon Elena the nightmares that leave me waking up screaming my head off and covered in sweat. And even when I was human, I was by no means as naïve and innocent as she is. When I finally accepted that I was a vampire, I blackened my soul with sins she can't even dream are even possible, no matter how much the world has shown her that it is a cruel and dangerous place. I have kept those sins such complete secrets that even my own brother has no knowledge that I have committed such heinous acts against humans.

I lift my head and realize that I am finally in my room, the only sanctuary I have these days. I can vent every frustration I have in here, cry my eyes out over how life is so damn unfair, and no one will ever know. As soon as I knew what Stefan would be up to, I knew I would need such a sanctuary. So I broke things off with Andie, though we still remain the friends we have become. But I was not so stupid as to lift the compulsion I had placed upon her to never reveal to anyone the secrets the small circle of friends I have keeps. Even wracked by grief over the knowledge of what my brother will be forced to do as he travels with Klaus, I knew enough to keep that compulsion in place when I freed her of the one I had placed on her to be hopelessly and madly in love with me.

I wince as the reek of death rises off the clothes I'm wearing. I have to change before Elena has a chance to show up and discover the stench clinging to me. The whole circle knows what I'm doing and have an idea of what I face every time I mysteriously vanish for several hours. The whole circle except for dear, sweet, heartbreakingly innocent Elena. And they know that if they don't keep that knowledge from her, I will personally torture the one who spilled the beans excruciatingly before ripping their heart out for revealing it to her. Even Jeremy, who will not receive quite so severe a punishment, knows that I will deliver retribution on his hide for defiling the innocence of the girl we would one and all give our lives to protect.

I can't help but silently cry out to the Fates and demand to know why I am forced into the position of tracking down that monster that my brother has become so that I can drag him back home so that the girl I love can rush to throw her arms around him with no knowledge of what he has done in just these few short weeks since he had given himself over to Klaus in exchange for the only cure for a vampire bitten by a werewolf to save my life. I demand to know what the hell I'm getting out of the deal.

I quickly start stripping, shrugging out of my jacket and tossing it into a corner as far from me as the room allows, followed by my shirt. I kick out of my boots and my socks follow my shirt and jacket. By the time I realize that the one person I don't want to see at this precise second is about to open the door to my room, I have one hand braced against the wall to support my as I balance on one leg so that I can pull my jeans off the other leg. And it is too damn late to stop Elena from swinging open the door to my room as if she has every right to barge into my sanctuary without so much as announcing herself.

She immediately freezes upon seeing the state of undress I am in. And I am stuck in the awkward, not to mention soon-to-be uncomfortable, position that is somehow miraculously allowing the arm I was using to tug my jeans off the leg I have in the air to save her a direct view of my assets. But she knows damn well right where they are in relation to that arm because her eyes immediately fix on that precise spot as her cheeks turn crimson. And it quickly becomes apparent that her body has stopped listening to any signal aiming for the muscles in her body that respond to conscious motor control. So I'm stuck in this position because I know damn well what she will do to me if I move that arm enough that her eyes are able to see past that spot of my arm that is hiding from her that her attention is rapidly causing my dick to become a raging hard-on.

And for all that I'm an immortal vampire, I can still fall victim to cramps and involuntary twitches. And I finally realize what it's like to find yourself caught in a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation. If I don't move, I will inevitably start to cramp up from the awkward position I am trapped in but if I do move, she will undoubtedly have my hide on her wall by the time she's through with me for revealing that the focus of her attention on the spot of my arm that saves her a direct line of sight of my pelvis has given me an almost painfully hard erection that is my libido's way of reminding me precisely how long it's been since I last had sex. I'm truly am damned either way.

I fumble for something to say because I know that speaking up will instantly make her body start functioning again and she will either flee the boarding house or at the very least turn around to give me some of the privacy I had once scoffed at ever finding myself in need of. And given who had barged in at such an inopportune moment, I find myself in dire need of at least some privacy at this precise moment.

But all I can think of is that I have got to stop getting so lost in my thoughts that I stop paying attention to the world around me. Elena and I have had numerous occasions where she has somehow snuck up on me while I was lost in thought and ended up catching me in a compromising position. But this situation is by far the most awkward and the most embarrassing we have found ourselves in to date. I may have teased her relentlessly for needing to learn to knock before she barges into my rooms the other times, but this might just be the situation that drives that home to her.

My mind refuses to give me something to say to point out that I can see quite clearly where her eyes would be if my arm moved. For once in my long life, I, Damon Salvatore, find myself incapable of coming up with something witty to diffuse the situation with. And so we are stuck in this predicament, she by being unable to make her body move and I by being unable to find my wit or even my voice for that matter. And just when things seem unable to get any worse, that inevitable cramping starts up in both the leg that is supporting my weight and the arm that is bracing me against the wall. And as the cramping gets worse, I know I am doomed to face even further embarrassment by soon losing my ability to remain in this position and ending up on the floor. Sure, vampires can become as still as statues for long periods of time. But not when they are in a position like the one I was in when Elena barged into my room.

Not to mention that this position has firmly reminded me that I just so happened to have suffered the misfortune today of ending up with a wooden splinter piercing through the seat of my jeans and embedding itself into my ass. I would have to perform painful contortions of my body to be able to remove it on my own. And with the way my luck has suddenly run downhill, Elena's going to end up not only finding out about the splinter in my ass but insisting on removing it for me, completely oblivious to what she would be insisting upon until she finds herself having to touch my ass with her hands in order to remove the damn splinter. As if today hadn't already been shitty before she barged in.

I firmly remind myself to never again question the Fates because the saying that questioning them invites them to screw with your life is damn true. And I have a feeling that this won't be the only time they will screw with my life by means of Elena in retribution for my demands to know what I get out of the hell I am going to put myself through to bring Stefan back to the woman I want for myself.

As if the fates want to prove me right, the cramps in my arm and leg reach an excruciating level of pain. And that right there causes me to finally lose control over my body and collapse to the floor. I groan my pain. And that right there wakes up Elena's damned habit of forgetting all else except that nearly compulsive drive to protect me from harm at all costs. She darts forward and kneels next to me, worry radiating off her in waves. "Are you okay?" she asks, her voice trembling.

"Cramps," I say through grit teeth. At least I had fallen in a way that hides my raging hard-on from her.

"Is that all?" she ask, concern still in her voice. Her worry over my welfare doesn't make her question what others would think of the nearly impossible notion that a vampire could suffer cramps.

I sigh, figuring I might as well give in to the full force of humiliation the Fates are determined to have us go through. "Happened to get a wood splinter in my ass today," I admit just loud enough for her to hear. "Other than that and the cramps, I'm just peachy."

"I'll remove the splinter for you," she says, not really thinking about what she will be forced to do to get the splinter out of my ass. Nor will she until she's at the point of having to actually touch my ass with her hands to remove the splinter.

I don't bother pointing out what she's promising because by the time she realizes it on her own; she won't be able to back out without making the situation even more awkward. And dammit, if I'm going to suffer all this humiliation her unannounced entry into my rooms has put me through, then I'm going to allow myself the small luxury of having her hands on my bare ass just once in my life to make sure that she goes through just as much embarrassment.

"Fine," I grumble.

"Where are your tweezers?" she asks.

Damned if I'm going to miss out on feeling her hands on my ass by telling her that. "The splinter's close enough to the surface your nails will be able to get it," I tell her. Well, that is true enough that she won't be able to yell at me for not allowing her to go grab my tweezers without further humiliating herself in the process.

She hesitates briefly as her instincts send up a warning flag about what she will be doing, but she ignores that warning flag because knowing I'm in pain and knowing she can do something to stop the pain has caused that damn part of her that drives her to do whatever she has to in order to spare me as much pain as possible has kicked into high gear. "What do I need to do?" she asks.

"First, I need to get my jeans the rest of the way off and if I turn over, you know damn well you'll get a view you don't want to see right now," I say tersely. She swallows hard as she realizes exactly what I'm talking about. Of course, we both know that it is only her mind that doesn't want her eyes getting an unimpeded view of my assets. Her heart and subconscious have an entirely different opinion on the matter, but should I voice that, she will immediately tell me that I can take care of the splinter myself and I'm not going to give up the experience I'm about to have for anything. "So, you're going to have to help me finish taking my jeans off."

I turn my head towards her in time to catch the deer-in-headlights look that concept brings to her face as she realizes that I'm saying she is going to have to help me finish undressing completely. It's right about now that she realizes she's going to very soon find herself alone with a completely naked Damon Salvatore with very little chance that anyone will show up in time to save her the experience. Not to mention that if someone does show up after I'm completely naked and alone in her company, the entirely wrong idea of what is going on will end up in the head of every single one of our friends. And she is now realizing that after saying that she will help me remove the splinter in my ass, there is no way she can possibly escape what is going to happen this late in the game.

But I have to admit that my admiration for her grows even stronger because rather than starting to hyperventilate, she instead firms up her spine in determination to get this over with as soon as possible. Even if it means having to help me get rid of the last bit of clothing on my body to do so. She sets to the task and soon helps me get out of my jeans.; She tosses them in the direction that the rest of my clothes had been sent flying, though her throw is not powerful enough to get them more than halfway there.

"Now what?" she asks, her voice shaking slightly.

"Now you're going to have to straddle my back so you can get to the splinter in my ass," I point out. She gulps but does so carefully. I know her well enough to know that she's trying her damnedest to avoid having to look at my ass, but, unfortunately for her, the situation she had put herself up for requires her to do just that. "Elena, to be able to get the splinter out, which I must remind you is made of wood and thus hurts like hell, you are going to have to look at my ass. You're the one who said you'd do this when I did make sure to mention where the splinter had chosen to embed itself in my skin." Cue the start of hyperventilation. "Well, if you're too scared to look at my ass, then I guess I can put myself through the painful contortions I will have to perform to get it out myself," I remark dryly.

If nothing else, the insinuation that she's too scared to do something that will save me further pain in the effort to get the splinter out on my own puts an instantaneous end to Elena's hyperventilating. "I'm not scared," she snaps.

"Then, by all means, get on with it. Because until that piece of wood is removed from my hide, it is going to continue putting me through a lot of pain. It is wood after all and I am a vampire. As you well know, mixing wood and vampires tends to end up with a vampire who is in a lot of pain until the wood is removed."

Elena

I grit my teeth as I realize that Damon is right, as usual. If I don't do this, he's going to have to contort his body painfully in order to remove the splinter from his ass. Not to mention I had opened my mouth and put myself up for this. I take a shaky breath and lower my eyes to his well-formed ass. As with every other body part of the vampire I am sitting on, his ass is sinfully sexy. But I don't dare allow myself to think about his completely naked body below me or he is not only going to smell my reaction to such thoughts but also feel it.

I do my damnedest to be completely clinical in scanning his ass for the telltale redness and blistering that will tell me where the splinter is. But it's very difficult to be clinical at all when confronted with the perfectly sculpted ass of the guy a large part of you longs desperately to be with. Add in the fact that I know damn well that his body is completely naked and I'm sitting on his back, well, it's downright impossible to be detached.

Still, as soon as I spot the blistering and redness that signals the location of the splinter, my distracting thoughts immediately die away as the part of me that wants Damon reminds me that he is in pain and he really would have to put himself through agonizing contortions in order to get the splinter out himself. I take a shaky breath and, decidedly not thinking about the significance of what I am doing, I carefully use my nails to begin working the splinter out of his hide.

Of course, fate has for some damn reason decided that today will be a day of complete humiliation for us and the best way to top it off is by having the ultimate humiliation of having none other than Caroline Forbes come through Damon's door to investigate the commotion Damon is making about how long I am taking to get the damn splinter out. Damon and I both snap our heads in the direction of the door at the sharp inhaling of breath she does at the sight of our current predicament.

"Um," she starts. Then she shakes herself. "I'm not even going to ask," she says, hastily backing out of Damon's rooms and shutting the door behind her.

The room is dead silently for all of three seconds before Damon and I both start metaphorically turning the air a brilliant shade of blue because it just had to be Caroline who walked in to see us like this. And now that she's laid eyes to this without knowing that I am in the process of removing a splinter from Damon's ass, she's going to leap to entirely the wrong conclusion and spread the word among our circle that she had caught Damon and I in the middle of some sort of sexual scene. After all, only a blind man would not have seen that Damon is completely naked while I am sitting on his back with my hands on his ass.

I quickly pull the splinter the rest of the way out of him, delighting in the fact that doing so makes him hiss through his teeth at the pain. I climb off his back. "You had better get dressed because the whole crew is going to be arriving soon to demand answers for whatever Caroline thought she saw," I tell him, keeping my back to him as I walk to the door. "And we will never get them to believe the truth if they show up and you're not dressed to some degree. I'll be downstairs."

I hear Damon's groan as I make good with my escape. He knows damn well that I'm right and he doesn't like the thought of the inquisition we will soon face any more than I do. I decide to hold onto the blood-soaked splinter for proof. I shut the door to Damon's rooms and begin making my way to the living room. As I climb down the stairs, I take the opportunity given to me to study the splinter Damon had the misfortune to have embed itself in his ass. And the second I get a good look at it, I'm surprised that he hadn't voiced the pain it had to have been causing him long before he told me about it. The damn thing is a good inch and a half long and had embedded itself in his ass in a most unusual fashion compared to the typical splinter. Most splinters embed themselves in skin in a horizontal fashion compared to the surface of the skin. Not this behemoth. No, this thing had embedded itself straight into his ass, with one pointy end near the surface of his skin and the rest of the splinter burying further into his ass.

I sigh as I arrive in the living room. I figure since I'm going to be facing the inquisition over this misconception, I might as well steal the most comfortable chair in the living room: Damon's. Sure, he had a wooden splinter in his ass, but now that it's out, his super vampire healing abilities will have his ass healed by the time he gets down here. With those thoughts, I immediately make myself comfortable in Damon's chair. Anyone else who was foolish enough to dare to sit in this particular chair would be taught the error in whatever they had been thinking by the time he's done with them. But I've stolen his chair countless times since I first started coming to the boarding house and all he's done about it was get grumpy and find himself a seat elsewhere while everyone else would wonder if they had entered the Twilight Zone. And they still wonder if they had somehow found themselves in an episode of that old show no matter that Damon's reaction to my being in his chair has played out to the point of becoming repetitive. There is the occasional time or two that he has tried his damnedest to talk me into finding another place to sit, but in the end he would be the one sitting somewhere else and be thoroughly grumpy over it.

I sigh as I hear the first familiar engine pull up the driveway and turn off. Damon hasn't come downstairs yet and I refuse to answer a single question until he is being faced with the Inquisition as well. I find myself thinking that if today gets any more embarrassing than it already has, I'm quite likely to die from mortification.

Sarah: the Inquisition will be held next chapter. Yu can rest assured that this is just the beginning of the most embarrassing summer of Damon and Elena's lives. And that shared embarrassment is bound to draw them closer together. So drop me a review telling me what you think the next embarrassing situation should be and stay tuned for more because I just might take your suggestion and use it. And even if you can't think of something to humiliate our reluctant lovebirds with, you can still drop me a review and tell me what you think so far. My muse thrives on the reviews I receive. The more reviews, the more willing she is to keep the ideas flowing. So be sure to review and I hope you will keep coming back to find out what else my muse can come up with.