Anything But Smiles
Tohru brushes furiously. Soup bubbled frantically, almost writhing up from the rough cloth below raw fingers. Slick and wet and red from cleaning. She can't even stop when she sees the stain removed from the cotton. Or her hands.
The rice ball in the middle of the fruits basket. What the fuck are you doing here?
And Akito's angry face melts into the game. She doesn't belong in the middle of the curse. Her smiles and bright eyes; they can only do so much because she isn't living a fairytale. She can't break the curse by just wanting to.
That's not how life works.
Do it at your own pace Tohru do it at- you're not helping us! You don't belong here! Get-
"Shut up." She whispers furiously. Angry at Akito for smearing in her face what she can not do. Angry at herself for the tears held obstinately in her eyes.
Everybody is out for the day and she was half sad and half relieved. She hates to be alone, but then again, this is the only occasion she has to be-
I'm not sad. I'm not depressed. After everything they have done, the things I've received. I don't disserve to cry for myself.
I'm ok.
I'm ok.
And the harshly whispered thoughts are confused as to their nature, not deciding if they are lies or a deep set desperation that has grown on her like rope-vine. Latching over her mind until I'm ok I'm ok It's like it was there all along.
She scrubs with more vigour.
It isn't that she isn't happy, when she's outside the shell she's made to guard this tainted piece of her. Her smiles are not lies. Her eyes do not fool (most of the time). Sunshine and happiness leak out of her to warm those around her. She's truly happy.
Most of the time.
There is just this little part of her. A cutting edge that is too sharp for the rest of her. A frozen part that cools that constant, internal sunshine.
The kind of cold that can kill you
Her hands still. And then one can see how much they are shaking. A crackling leaf caught in the autumn wind.
Oh god. Oh god, how could she have lost so dearly in this one-night-stand of a game? Life, they call it. Sometimes she's sick of it.
Mom…
Rice ball complexion. Always the odd one out, intruding between things (people) she can't quite understand.
Oh Jesus he's turned into a fucking cat!
"Stop cussing!" she orders herself. And then starts cleaning again because she hadn't sounded quite sane.
A mom dependency, almost. (almost, because I'm still alive even though she's gonegonegone.)
She'd lost her father first. The one she doesn't resemble, the one she can't ever live up to because she can't even remember the sound of his voice anymore.
So why cheat with some dog-eared picture then? Why try to recapture something that almost killed mom?
Because Tohru is almost sure her mother's last thought had been bliss because now they could be together again.
And plummeting into loneliness is like cutting the world from you. (Like cutting something from inside you.) One day she could tell her mom how much she loved her, and the next she simply…couldn't.
No more good days, no more bright smiles.
Oh God, what am I (going to do) without her?
I'm ok
I'm ok.
"Fuck. Shit, Godamnit." There was blood on her fingertips. Overused, overscrubbed. Scars from trying to craw her way out of there.
"Tsk tsk, Tohru. Didn't your mother ever tell you that pretty girls shouldn't cuss?" The voice was snake-smooth. She jerks a bit from the unexpectedness of it, but doesn't turn around to meet the eyes of the speaker. She already knows who it is.
"Oh and ugly girls should then?" Tohru snorted laughingly. Steps getting closer and the rustling of fabric almost distracting her. Almost. "I though you were supposed to be back later, Shigure." She says almost coldly. So unlike her, he would have been surprised. If this didn't happen each time they had a stretched amount of time to be alone in the house.
"Oh, but I knew you would miss me too much." And the voice is alarmingly close. That same voice that could send shivers down her spine, or make her fists clench until her nails were crusted crimson with fury.
"Oh, buy a forest and get lost in it, Shigure. Then maybe Ayame will worry. A bit." He could hear the smile on her lips, and taste the bitterness on her tongue.
But it was ok to be cruel. This isn't the real me, she thought. Or maybe it was too much of her.
"Oh, why so cynical today, Tohru? Where's the 24/7 smiles girl I know so well?" His voice brushed against her hair, and suddenly he was sitting beside her, his legs beside her folded ones, face facing face, while she kneels in front of the washing basing, a white shirt in pinkish water.
She meets his amused eyes. His smirk, his casually lifted eyebrows.
Fucking tease.
This isn't me isn'tme.
His smile widens as she glares. It's amazing, the pleasure he takes in her darker side since the first time he had caught her in weakness.
Hana-chan and Uo-chan were over for the first time. Best friends since they saved each other. "A novelist, huh?" And her voice hadn't been quite the same. There was a ring to it that clashed with her wide smile.
"Yes!" He said happily, almost insulting in its pride. He caught a sight of raised eyebrow and, unimpressed eyes before she passed him, her back towards him, making his own eyebrows arch in question. A smirk formed. Wide with diluted malice.
"Want me to lend you one?" need a little romance, Tohru? He mocked.
"I don't think so." And then she sent him the widest and darkest smile he had ever seen, before bouncing out of the hallway.
Things had progressed faster than they should have.
Low light, moonlight. Gloom was everywhere. Sleeping cat and rat. Hungry dog. Lonely rice ball. Mmm, she was always so good at satisfying hunger.
"Oh, bite me." She snarls.
There's a part of me that can't smile. Too much of me gone, too many people which I've seen betrayed. Too little love in this world for me to give all of mine away.
"My pleasure." He growls, and now he's intoxicatingly close. Surpassing the boundaries of personal space so that they're breathing the same breath and thinking the same thoughts.
Almost.
"Oh, get off Shigure." But they can hear the tremble in her voice.
Isn't me isn't me.
She gets up and turns her back to him as he smiles lazily upwards, leaning against the wall the cleaning supplies are propped on. Kimono pooled around him.
I don't want him.
The screen door slides open as she steps onto the balcony, feeling his eyes on her. Shaking the shirt violently, ignoring the drops that splatter against her face and arms, she hangs the wet clothing article with lime green pegs.
Get out of here- we don't need you!
The breeze is refreshingly cooling on her suddenly heated skin. The sky is slightly overcast, giving a dull complexion to the sight spilled in front of her. She lets her eyes trail the horizon before turning back slowly.
I-don't-want-
"You know, you really should stop being so free with your words, Shigure. The way you play with me in front of the others is really getting on my nerves." Her voice comes out suddenly, in symphony with the slam of the paper screen. She's not surprised to see the mildly interested expression on the un-moved man.
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Tohru!" He smirks with mock hurt. She treads over to him slowly, predatorily. Fire in her blue eyes. She can't stand his nonchalance any more than she can ignore him.
"You know damn well what I'm talking about. All those stupid innuendos…You're a pervert, I get it." She grinds out, and in response she gets to hear the low, barking laughter she's come to know all too well.
"Oh, you're so cruel Tohru," he plays with her. "Won't you le me have a little fun?" his question is made feral by his smile. Their eyes darken.
I don't, I don't w-
His hand brushes the edge of her skirt, and Tohru tenses immediately.
Oh, but what big teeth you have!
But he only pulls until her legs fold beneath her, her own body not listening to her warnings, to the supplications that this isn't right.
Because there's a part of her that's anything but smiles.
His lips feel as good as they always do. And his hands are as possessive and dominant, because she always has to be careful with hers. She doesn't want to open her eyes and see she has her tongue in a dog's mouth (again).
"You know, I really do like high school girls." He whispers against her mouth as she pants against his lips. Her scowl is the opposite of her normal, spaced-out expression.
"Yeah, I can see that." And she rocks slightly against the thing that tells her exactly how much he does.
She swallows his chuckles and moans.
"Who knew Tohru could be such a bitch?" He murmurs thickly as her back slides against the floor. How the hell they get to this position, she can never recall.
"Who knew Shigure could be so easily manipulated?" She smirks back, as if this is all her idea.
And maybe it is.
Clothes are leisurely discarded. No hurry. What they're doing isn't forbidden at all.
Because Tohru's a good girl. She doesn't shag her house-mate, much too old for her, just to forget the pain of never letting herself get down. The forcefulness of never being sad, of trying to forget that she has a part of her that's screaming at the fact that she never let herself mourn. The fact that the part of her that's always an open wound overpowers her senses every time she can let it bleed out.
Because we're all human, I'm just human, I don't want to do th-
"I don't want this." She whispers cruelly into his neck. She can feel the curl of his smile on her ear.
"I know. You need this." He whispers back.
And her retort is consumed by passion and spit and make-shift love.
--ooo--
Their sweat is mixed together on their skin as they catch their breaths, exhausted. For a few scarce minutes, it's peace and quite for both of them, and they're somewhere in-between the sunshine Tohru, and the darkened one.
She untangles herself from him, not bothering with modesty as he watches her collect her clothes and dress herself.
"I'm going to take a shower. Dinner will be ready in a bit." And with the click of a shut screen she's out.
Hard eyes looked at the ceiling of the room.
He was going to have to clean up their mess before dumb and dumber got here.
With a sigh, he got up.
--ooo--
When Yuki and then Kyo arrived, Tohru was back to herself. It wasn't a mask she was wearing, but the polar opposite side of the same coin. She smiled openly at Shigure as he made a smartass comment, looking blankly on as both cat and rat hit him over the head. Obviously, she didn't get the innuendo.
In the morning, Yuki found a clean shirt in a clean room. And things went on, squeaky clean, for the next year or so.
---oOo---
"He loves me, Shigure." She says tightly. He looks at her as if he doesn't get her point.
"Yes, so I've noticed. It's hard to miss when you're making out in the middle of the dining room, milking the best of the dissipated curse," he replies dryly. She doesn't even bother with a blush as he curls her hair on one of his fingers. She yanks her head away, ignoring the pain of snapped hair.
"No, I don't think you're quite getting me. He loves me. And I love him. We love each other." She vocalises, making gestures with her hands. Shigure looks at her with blank eyes.
"No, I don't think you're getting me. I know you love each other" He mocks her voice and hand gestures slightly. She narrows her eyes. "Actually, I've known for the past three years. You would think that with 19 years of age, you two would catch up a little quicker." He muses out loud with a sigh. And still his hand is on her thigh as they sit side-by-side, backs to the wall of Shigure's room. "But then again, Kyo was always a bit of a block head." And his yelp is not nearly satisfying enough as Tohru twists the hand that was creeping up her skirt.
"God, what the hell am I gonna say when he sees I'm not a virgin?" She laments while letting go.
"Meany." He says immaturely, rubbing his wrist, before she glares at him, making him sigh in response.
"That idiot? Like he's gonna notice. You had to fall off a cliff for him to kiss you! Now, there's a virgin if I ever saw one. 'Oh Tohru, am I hurting you? Am I doing this right? Am I big eno-" another yelp and a thump as he hits the floor. He lays there, mock-whimpering as she shouts at him not to be such a chauvinistic moron.
"Hey, don't yell at me when you know it's true." He half-grumbles, half-smiles as he spots that she's trying to suppress one herself. Her eyes flicker towards him and the dark amusement of all the things she can teach him lies between them.
"Bastard." She throws, but with no real malice. He leans in so he can see her shiver.
"The worst kind." He breathes into her ear, tongue flicking out to caress as he nibbles the earlobe. For a moment she doesn't resist. What's more, the hand reaching under his hunched-up kimono and the mewls deep in her throat are saying quite the opposite.
And then he's pushed away and below a standing and angry looking Tohru.
"For fucks sake, give it a rest!" She exclaims, cheeks slightly flushed. Shigure rolls his eyes.
"Talk about mixed signals." He mumbles, brushing himself off as if he had been playing with dirt. She sighs exasperatedly as her hands brush her fringe away. Her hair is pinned back with a single, simple black clip.
Tohru's growing up. The other one.
"Ok then, let me spell it out for you. This is over. No more hide-the-salami each time I'm feeling like shit." And sometimes when I'm not.
"Where did you hear that expression?" He asked, clearly amused. She growls, much like him when he's in a particular bad mood. The times he's pulled her closer and quicker than she needed.
Didn't you notice, it's a two way railway.
"Oh for…fine. Then you get it? No more sneaking around." She says. He watches her, almost seriously now.
"We never snuck around." He says. She looks back, and her eyes are (almost) sad.
"Yeah…except maybe the time Kisa and Hiro made the surprise visit." They both smile widely as the memory. Mischievous smiles.
Tohru sighs as Shigure stands up. He catches her chin between his fingers, making her eyes meet his.
"So why do we have to stop?" It's not a proposal, or a weakness, or a revelation. It is a simple question. And even so, Tohru rips herself away from his fingers, angry.
As if she's asked herself the same thing, and didn't quite come up with the perfect answer.
"Because it's wrong, Shigure. Because it wouldn't be fair to Kyo. Because I don't want to do that to Kyo. I love him." She declares, almost like she has to. He looks at her bright eyes evenly.
"Yeah…so?" He asks. His dark eyes are hard to look away from, but she does it anyways.
"Urgh! Just…urgh!" She paces around.
Yeah, so?
She comes to a stop, and faces him once again.
"I can't believe you won't understand this." She says softly. "You're in love, I know you are. Can't you see that I have the person I love? I have him. And I don't want to lose him. And this…this would lose him." She reveals quietly. His expression is morose. The other side of Shigure. No more giggles and shine. The part of him that found out his lover had slept with someone else, and that part of him (almost) didn't care.
"Will you ever show him this…side of you?" He asks, only slightly amused. And only slightly concerned.
Tohru's eyes look down, away from his own, jumping from object to object like a nervous bird. Fingers fidgeting with the edge of her shirt.
She's thought about this.
"I…I don't know. No. Yes. N…I don't know." She frowns, hand brushing her fringe again.
Shigure smiles, and in that moment he seems exactly his age. Wise and a little (too) old.
"Of course." He says.
I've been in too strong a love for far too long. And I know what secrets are all about.
Maybe sad smiles could have been shared. A it's been good. Because it had. Past the darkness and the pain and the many times they had ended sex with her salty tears, there was the mutual comfort they had found.
Because there's a part of her that's anything but smiles.
But she doesn't look back, and he doesn't call her as she steps out of the room.
And as they dine together, one big happy family, no curses or secret (satiated) desires, Yuki with Machi quietly at his side, Kyo's hand in hers under the table, and the same old careless smile on Shigure's lips, they wonder why exactly they hadn't looked back.
When they're eyes catch each other, and linger for a moment, they counted it as another notch on a beaten-up board. Another barely noticed hitch. The part of a clue they forgot to look for. Something that reveals a little more of each other.
Smile Tohru, smile.
They counted their brief ending as wanted, not needed.
Because there's a part of her-
Smile Tohru, smile.
----------------OoO---------------
A/N
Tohru is admirable in the manga, she really is. But where there is a jin, there is a jan, and we've seen plenty of times that she's hiding something more under the happiness. I think the Tohru I have portrayed is completely in character. I made it clear that the happy-go-lucky Tohru in the manga isn't a farce, but that she's a little less rainbows and butterflies, and a little more grime of life behind the curtain.
First Fruits Basket fanfiction. Spread the thoughts. (ie. Click the review button and give me a brain wave.)