Summary: Humour fic (based in late S3). Hurley and Charlie hold a contest to decide which of them has the biggest mouth.

Characters: Charlie, Hurley, Desmond, Jin and Sawyer.

Rating: PG-ish (pure silliness)

Disclaimer: Nope, I still don't own Lost.

Nuts

In the middle of the table there was a bowl of chestnuts.

Beside this bowl was the little Hula girl doll that Charlie had found in the jungle and was now using as his stake in the contest. On Hurley's side of the table he had put down the rabbit's foot that he had taken from the keys of the skeleton he had found in the Dharma van. Charlie's eyes were locked with Hurleys as they took it in turns to reach for another nut and force it into their already crammed mouths. Whoever could hold the most chestnuts in their jaws would be named the winner and would take away the prizes. Jin stood beside the table, acting as umpire, watching their tournament with a mixture of suspense and amusement in his eyes.

It was a good thing that they were getting rescued soon. This must have been the stupidest game they had come up with yet.

It had all began in the kitchen hut over breakfast that morning. Sawyer had discovered a box of dried chestnuts amongst the Dharma supplies lining their shelves. He had asked loudly what in the hell they were supposed to do with them. Bernard had explained that they could roast them over a fire, but since he was allergic to nuts he wouldn't be eating them. Sawyer had tried offering the nuts in exchange for alcohol or smokes to everyone who had come to hut for their breakfast. But nobody was interested in eating the nuts. Who even liked chestnuts anyway? Why had Dharma sent these things? Sawyer had pondered the question for a moment before concluding that 'Limeys eat chestnuts' and handing the box to Charlie.

Charlie had been standing in the kitchen area, staring at the nuts and trying to decide what to do with them, when Hurley had wandered over. His friend had frowned, taking the box out of Charlie's hands and then asking him randomly; 'Dude...how many of these do you think you could fit inside your mouth?' Charlie had smirked and crossed his arms, before boasting that he could certainly fit more nuts in his mouth than Hurley. And so their game was born.

Charlie breathed in through his nostrils as he took another nut from the coconut shell bowl. He used his dexterous tongue to push this nut into a small gap between this left cheek and his gums. Christ, he was good at this. He was a bloody squirrel. Hurley was a big guy to be sure. He was big in every way; big chest, big hair and big hands. But Hurley didn't have a bigger mouth than Charlie and this tournament was going to prove it.

Hurley thought he was lucky. The jammy bastard did win at almost every beach game they invented.

But he's not gonna win this one, Charlie decided. This time the big man's going down...

Charlie held his opponent's stare across the table as Hurley raised the next nut to his already bulging cheeks. He barely managed to force it between his lips, clamping it there in his front teeth. Hurley was struggling to keep a straight face now. His brow was slowly beading with sweat. Charlie widened his eyes cheekily, wiggling his eyebrows in an attempt to break Hurley's concentration. Jin was hissing what might have been Korean words of encouragement and that was distracting enough. Charlie gave him a sharp glance, willing him to be quiet.

It all rested on the next nut. This round would be the tie-breaker. The winner would take all.

Charlie would have smiled if such an expression were possible with a dozen or so chestnuts filling his mouth. Hurley couldn't possibly manage another one. Charlie had room to tuck at least two more behind his overbite if he retracted his tongue. He reached out for his final nut, holding his nerve, already savouring his triumph in his mind's eye...

Before Charlie could bring the chestnut to his lips, a fist slammed him hard between his shoulder blades. Charlie spluttered, buckling over the table as the nuts sprayed from his mouth. After he had finished coughing and wheezing, Charlie turned to see Desmond standing over him; his hands on his hips, a disapproving frown etched on his face.

"Brother…" the Scotsman began chidingly, "Just so you know...I didn't save your life four times so that you could choke yourself to death on a mouthful of sodding chestnuts."

Charlie narrowed his eyes on Desmond, trying to decide if he had really seen another of his morbid visions or whether he was just choosing to be an intollarable git. He settled on the latter option since he had no intention of thanking Des for supposedly saving him from some chestnut-related asphyxia. Charlie turned his attention back to the table, ready to demand a rematch. But Hurley had already spat his own nuts back into the bowl and was chuckling to himself as he gathered up the hula girl and the rabbit's foot. Jin was slapping his shoulders, commending his apparent victory. He pointed over to where Sawyer was sunbathing, wordlessly hinting that Hurley should show off his winnings.

"Bitchin game, Charlie!" Hurley chirped. "I'll see you later, dude..."

Charlie's aching jaw hung open for a moment as Hurley and Jin waltzed out of the kitchen hut together, leaving a mess of wet chestnuts spread across the tabletop. Charlie turned back to Desmond, his eyes glowering and his fists bunched at his sides.

"You made me lose my doll..."

The End