End of HIMYM, Newhart style
Ted's living room, Westchester, New York, 2030.
TED: …and that, kids, is how I met your mother.
PENNY: That's it?
TED: That's it.
PENNY: No. I don't buy it. That's not the reason you made us listen to this.
TED: Oh, really? Then what's the reason?
PENNY: Let us look at the facts here. You made us sit down and listen to this story about how you met Mom, yet Mom is hardly in the story. No. This is a story about how you are totally in love with Aunt Robin, and you're think of asking her out. And you want to know if we're okay with it.
TED: I can't believe this! I kept this story short and to the point and you guys still missed it! The point of this story is that…
PENNY: [interrupts] …is that you totally totally TOTALLY have the hots for Aunt Robin!
TED: No I don't!
PENNY: Yes, you do!
TED: You're grounded!
LUKE: Wow! You're really into Aunt Robin.
TED: You're grounded too!
Penny laughs, Luke rolls his eyes to the ceiling.
TED: Okay! Suppose I were interested in Aunt Robin in that way, it's not like I can do anything about it. I have you two to think about!
PENNY: Dad, we love Aunt Robin!
LUKE: Whenever she comes over for dinner, you two are so obvious.
Ted's eyes pop open in shock.
PENNY: Come on, Dad. Mom's been gone for 6 years now. It's time.
TED: [hesitatingly] What…so I just pick up the phone and ask her out on a date?
LUKE AND PENNY: [in unison] YES!
TED: And that…that's something you guys would want?
LUKE AND PENNY: [in unison] YES!
Ted picks up phone (kinda big for a 2030 phone, even a landline) and dials
TED: [smirking] Alright, I'll give her a call…
PENNY: Do it!
TED: [deadpan tone] I am.
LUKE: Call her!
TED: I'm calling her!
PENNY: Great!
TED: Here I go…[suddenly hangs up phone] Or…
Cut scene to NYC skyline, then to Robin's apartment. Enter Robin with her 5 dogs.
ROBIN: [to dogs] Alright, home sweet home.
[apartment door bell buzzes]
ROBIN: Wait one second. [to dogs] Okay, stay! [dogs still walk around] We'll work on that. [to TV] Television, display front door security! Television, display-oh for Pete's sake! [goes to open window]
She sticks her head out the window and looks down. On the sidewalk, stands Ted, suited up. He flashes the blue French horn with his left hand. Robin smiles and chuckles. Ted smiles too and briefly flashes teeth.
ROBIN: Ted! I've been waiting for this day! Come on up!
TED: Yes!
He tosses the French horn in the air like a twirling baton. As he tries to catch it, the mouthpiece hits his forehead and he gets a concussion and collapses on the sidewalk.
Cut scene to Ted and Tracy's bedroom, Westchester, 2030, 2:22 am.
Ted wakes up with a gasp. He turns on lamp. Tracy, alarmed, wakes up and turns on lamp on her side.
TRACY: Pooh bear! Did you have a bad dream?
TED: Tracy-kins it was the worst nightmare I ever had!
TRACY: What was it about?
TED: I dreamt that you were lost in New York and nowhere to be seen. The only clue to your whereabouts was your yellow umbrella…only I did not know it belonged to you! It took 8 years to find you, because I did not even know what you looked like and you were grieving over a dead fiancé. During that time I was friends with the guy from Freaks and Geeks and that we liked to "eat sandwiches" as roommates at Wesleyan. He loved to shag Willow from Buffy. Worse, when the three of us moved to New York, we befriended Doogie Howser and his goal in life was to score with every woman in New York City! He loved to wear suits and he reminded me of Richard Gere when he was in American Gigolo.
TRACY: Wait a minute? Isn't Doogie gay?
TED: Yes, but it's a dream, honey. And in the dream, he is heterosexual.
TRACY: Wow! Well he's a doctor, he can get any woman he wants.
TED: In the dream he did something called PLEASE.
TRACY: PLEASE?
TED: Provide Legal Exculpation and Sign Everything.
TED: Anyway, I spent 8 years dating and chasing all different girls hoping I'd find the one, i.e. you. And during that time I got infatuated with this Canadian woman who was a Debbie Gibson wannabe/Tiffany wannabe/Alanis Morissette wannabe/Peter Jennings wannabe in that particular order! She had brown hair and blue eyes, kind of like Courteney Cox on Friends. But she couldn't have kids and didn't even want kids. Plus she left empty milk cartons in the fridge, to remind herself to buy more milk! What kind of f-ed up logic is that?
TRACY: Whoa! Do you like that girl? Is that what you want?
TED: [chuckling] Oh no, no, no! I mean! How could I ever like a woman like that in real life? She's ugly! And she had a fetish for smurf penises! Oh! And in this dream existed weird mutant creatures called cockamice.
TRACY: Is that a crossbreed between a cockroach and a mouse?
TED: Sort of. Anyway I find you and meet up with you at a train station in Farhampton in 2013 after Doogie and this Canuck tie the knot.
TRACY: Well that's nice...a happy ending! And we lived happily ever after?
TED: Not quite! First of all Doogie and the female Peter Jennings get divorced after 3 years. We have a 5-year engagement during which we have Luke and Penny out of wedlock.
TRACY: Our daughter's name is Leia.
TED: In the dream her name is Penny, thanks to a 1930s engraving of Abe Lincoln that I found somewhere in the city. [pauses] We finally marry in 2020 in a New York City church instead of a French castle. This is shortly after Doogie has a kid out of wedlock!
TRACY: Oh, that is a nightmare!
TED: Not marrying in a French castle or that idea that Doogie had progeny.
TRACY: Not marrying in a French castle.
TED: But that wasn't the scariest part. In late 2023 or early 2024 you got diagnosed with a terminal illness and died before 2024 ran out.
TRACY: Oh my God! 40 is so young. I think I'm gonna cry!
TED: I spared no expense for your care. I even set up the Tracy McConnell Foundation. We are this close to finding a cure. [almost pinches left index finger and thumb together]
TRACY: That's really sweet of you, Teddy Bear!
TED: Anyway, an appropriate number of years pass and I tell the story of how I met/found you to our kids, who are disgusted and bored beyond belief. Oh, by the way, when you were dying, you also were getting sick of my stories!
TRACY: I would never get sick of your stories. Your stories are the best.
TED: Oh and my voice sounded like Danny Tanner's.
TRACY: Bob Saget on Full House? Did you tell dirty jokes?
TED: The dream gods wouldn't let me. But um, after you die, the female Peter Jennings suddenly decides she like kids and helps me with the raising of Luke and Leia (Penny in the dream), and takes them on excursions to the Bronx Zoo, Montauk, etc. Consequently, after an appropriate number of years I fall in love with her, stand in front of her apartment and flash a smurf penis!
TRACY: Ted, you watch too much old school TV shows and movies. You never got over Peter Jenning's passing in 2005. You've been drinking too much Labatt and eating too much poutine. You need to eat regular American food from now on, sweetie.
TED: I think I was a little worried about you medical lab and radiograph results.
TRACY: I got the results today, sweetheart. Everything is negative. I have the McConnell constitution in my favor. Every relative of mine lived to be 83 or older. You are not going to bury me; I'm going to bury you. Or…we could die in each others' arms Notebook style in 2067 or later. [kisses him and runs her right hand down his pajama pants] Let me comfort you a little bit and help you go back to sleep. [motions her hands around her waist as if she is pulling her panties to the side or taking them off. She then climbs on top of Ted] [whispering seductively] It'll be very relaxing, and I will go extra slow.
15 minutes later
TED: That's was just what I needed!
TRACY: I needed it too. I love you pooh bear. And you're the only man I've ever been with…you don't ever have to worry about a dead fiancé. [kisses Ted's lips and rests her head on his chest.]
TED: I love you muffin. Goodnight.
They turn off lights.
TRACY: Ted? A smurf penis?
TED: Blue French horn! Goodnight!
THE END.