Chapter 1: The Beginning of the End

With a splash of cold water, Dean was once again ready for action. Even though the two Winchester brothers had just finished a case, Dean did not yet feel satisfied. He wanted more; another ghost, another demon, another anything. Anything to keep his brain busy and the thoughts that plagued his mind tucked deep away in the back of his consciousness. His usual MO when it came to dealing with things.

"Alright Sammy," he said, walking out of the bathroom, "What's next?"

Sam looked up from his bed in their less than perfect motel room, "What's next?" He repeated with a tone of disbelief, "How about sleep?"

"Nah," Dean scoffed, giving his younger brother his typical playful grin, "We can sleep when we're dead."

"Which you were not to long ago," Sam pointed out.

"Details, details."

Dean strolled over to the other bed in the room and sank down into it. Sure he had been brought back from hell not very long ago, but that did not mean that he was going to take his life easy. He wanted to get back out there and make up for the lost time. He wanted to feel alive again. People, like always, needed saving. And he, like always, needed to save them. Of course, this time, the whole world needed saving. Lucifer, the devil himself, was free and God only knows where causing God only knows what kind of havoc. Not to mention it was Sam who let him out of the cage but also Dean who failed to stop Sam from even getting there in the first place. So not only was the world in desperate need of saving, but this time the two brothers had actually fallen into peril because of them. If only he had killed Ruby when he first met her, none of them would be in this problem right now.

"What's wrong?" The younger hunter asked. His eyes shining with worry for his older brother. "You've been on edge ever since Cas-"

"Nothing is wrong." Dean quickly interrupted, cutting his brother off. "I just want to ya know – keep busy."

"Why?"

"Because that's what we do. We ignore our feelings and keep busy."

"No. That's what you do." Sam corrected, giving his brother a cool look before turning back to his pillow. "You need to sleep too, ya know."

"Yeah I guess you're right. Its not like we are getting anywhere on the whole Satan front anyway."

It was true. They had not made any progress on locating the devil or more importantly, how to kill him. Who cared where Lucifer was if they could not do anything to stop him. And since the only person with actual insight on these things, had vanished in an attempt to find God, the two hunters were pretty much on their own and out of luck. Keeping busy with cases was just one way for Dean to keep his mind off the facts that they had squat on stopping the apocalypse. Besides, it felt good to help people again, like the old days. When it was just him and Sammy hunting ghosts and monsters – no world threatening crisis on the horizon, no impending doom looming over there heads. It was just good ol' fashioned hunting, slaying and exorcizing. Or as the two brothers liked to call it: Fun.

Dean moved himself up the bed, pillow under head, in an attempt to get comfortable. The day had been long, and the hunt had been a tough one; Nothing new, just another angry spirit that they had to lay to rest. The victim had been murdered, leaving behind a ghost that only knew pain, rage and a thirst for revenge. It was another case where they had to save low lives that probably deserved to die. But who were they to make that judgment? It was not like they were God or anything. And with that Dean's thoughts turned. God…Lucifer…angels…Castiel…

The thought of the angel made his shoulder, the mark Castiel had made on him when he lifted him up from hell, tingle. It had been doing that recently whenever the hunter was thinking about the warrior of the Lord. Dean shook his head. No, he thought. He would not go back down that path again. That train of thought had left the station and he did not want it back. He did not want to think of Cas disappearing on them again, just when they needed him most. He did not want to think of how hurt he was from the betrayal. And he especially did not want the think of how much he mi-

This caused the hunter to spring up in the bed. There was clearly not going to be any sleep tonight. Standing up, he walked across the room, grabbed his jacket and headed out. Jumping into his baby, the hunter sped down the street looking for the nearest bar. Finding one to his liking, Dean pulled the Impala into the parking lot. The night was cool and the sky was clear. Looking up for a brief moment after exiting his car, Dean let his mind wander.

Where was Cas now? Was he still looking for God? And why was he not answering any of his prayers? It was not like Dean needed him or anything. He just wanted to make sure he was okay. They had been through a lot together and just like any other friend, Dean was worried about him. Cas had saved both him and Sam on more than one occasion and that at least warranted a check up, though it was not like it was possible for Dean to actually check up on the angel. But Cas did have their cell phone numbers now, and actually used them since he was cut off from heaven and running low on power. He could at least call to let them know; let Dean know, he was okay. That was all he really wanted, to have the peace of mind that his angel was okay. Hold up, his angel? Dean shook his head for what felt like the thousandth time, clearing his head of all the confusing thoughts that were running through his mind. Fixing his eyes on the bar again, he quickly walked inside and sat down at the bar.

"What can I get ya?" The bartender asked.

"Beer," Dean said, looking up and noticing her, "Please." He added with a smile, realizing that she was just his type: Female.

"Coming right up," She smiled at him, her deep blue eyes flashing.
Same color as Castiel's, the hunter absently thought as his shoulder started to misdirect his attention again. Wait. Why was he thinking of Cas when this beautiful woman was standing in front of him. Her long blonde hair fell down her back, highlighting her small, thin frame. Her soft smile made a jolt of electricity run down his spine, and Dean could not help but give his trade mark half grin back.

"Thanks." Dean said when she had returned with his beer.

"So what's the problem," She looked at him, her head slightly tilted. "I can see it all over your face." As she spoke she lowered herself down so that she was leaning on the bar, opposite of Dean, clearly trying to show off her…assets and conveying her interest in the good looking man in front of her. Ah, the power of the half grin.

"Life," Dean answered, keeping the smile on his face, partly because he liked where this conversation was headed and partly because the tilt of her head and the color of her eyes were so familiar. He felt comfortable with them, instantly at peace.

"How very vague," She smiled back, "What's your name?"

"Dean."

"Well Dean, I'm Amber. If you wanna talk, there's no one better than a bartender. Like a shrink with booze, half the price too." She gave him a casual wink and walked off across the room to serve another customer that was calling her over. Dean felt a small twinge of sadness at seeing her move away, taking the familiar head tilt and blue eyes with her, but he quickly got over it.

"Oh I just might take you up on that." Dean spoke to himself, enjoying the view he was getting as she walked away.

/

Dean slowly walked outside the bar for some fresh air. Not long after his initial conversation with the bartender, or Amber, he had grown bored with her. It was the same thing he had seen every time; Perfect body, perfect smile and perfectly dull. There was no mystery and a lack of excitement about her. The feeling Dean got from her deep blue eyes and the way she tilted her head when she talked about things she didn't understand only lasted so long. They weren't the same as…other people's eyes. For some reason he craved a challenge. He wanted more from a person than just looks now, and he knew that was more than Amber was capable of giving him. Tilting his head up to look at the sky once more, Dean wondered when those qualities had become important to him. He had not previously cared about anything other than getting laid. In fact, it would probably do him some good right now. Get his mind even further from the troubles that plagued him.

But something about it just did not feel right. It felt empty, even more so than usual. All of his one night stands felt meaningless because that is exactly what they were. Nothing more than a physical escape from the emotional baggage that the hunter had been carrying around with him since…well since he could not even remember when. There always seemed to be some huge weight on his shoulders. Be it taking care of Sam, taking care of a case, or like now, taking care of the world.

It had only been a few weeks, maybe a month, since Cas had told the boys his plans to search for God and then promptly vanished. And it was not like he wasn't used to not hearing from the angel, but for some reason this time it felt different to Dean. He couldn't pin point why exactly that was, but it was probably due to the fact that the fallen angel had more or less cut the two Winchesters off. They had no way to contact him, and he clearly was not concerned with getting in touch with them. Dean's eyebrows bunched and a frown formed on his face at this thought. Did Cas not care about them anymore or was he just too busy with his search to at least give them updates on his progress. In the past Cas would always come when Dean called, not to mention all the times he showed up on his own. Unexpected or uninvited.

Either way, Dean didn't have a choice in the matter. Like it or not, he was left sitting here with nothing but a faint memory of the angel in his shoulder. Not enough to cause any physical discomfort, but just enough to keep him aware of the angel's missing presence. The hunter wasn't even sure why this bothered him so much in the first place. Maybe Dean was actually starting to consider the fallen angel part of the family. And when a family member goes missing, of course you're going to be worried about what's happening to him. Or at least, that's what Dean told himself.

"Dean."

The hunter spun on his heels, snapping out of his thoughts and back to reality.
"Whoa Sammy," the older brother had come to face his brother who seemingly appeared out of no where. "Don't sneak up on me like that!"

"Sorry," Sam spoke, his voice full of sympathy, like he knew what Dean was thinking. Sam had always been good at reading his brother. "Are you okay?"

"No you just scared the crap outta me."

"No, jerk. I mean are you really okay?" The younger brother continued.

"Yeah Sam, I told you I was fine earlier." Dean sighed. Knowing that he might as well be talking to a wall because there was no way Sam was going to let up on the issue.

"Yeah well, I don't think you meant it." Sam countered, giving his brother his trademark puppy dog eyes. Just like Dean's signature smile that worked on all the women, Sam had his signature droopy eyed puppy dog face that always worked on Dean. Almost compelling him to tell Sam just about anything he wanted to know.
"Ah well…" Dean tried to explain, but seemed at loss for words, "I dunno, Sammy. I'm just not feeling right about things lately."

"About what things?" The younger hunter asked.

"Castiel!" Dean relented, "Cas! Like he goes through all the trouble of helping and saving us for the past couple months, drags me outta hell, and now all of a sudden he's gone? No phone call, angel message no nothing!"

Dean let his inner thoughts pour out to his younger brother. He hadn't even been fully aware himself how much the whole situation had gotten to him until he actually heard himself talking about it, "Why even bother to tell us you're gonna look for God if you're not even gonna keep us in the loop, ya know?"

Sam gave his brother a sympathetic smile and reached out to place a comforting hand on his shoulder, "I'm sure he's okay Dean."

"He better be." Dean shot back a serious look toward his younger brother, "I don't think I can go through another whole betraying thing again. There's just too much going on this time."

"Is that really what this is about, Dean?" Sam asked carefully, knowing that this was going to be a tough conversation to navigate with his emotionally guarded brother.

"What do you mean?" Dean turned away, once again looking at the stars.

"I mean you've been on edge ever since Cas told us he was going to look for God and not because that's what he's doing. But…um…you…do you…" Sam fumbled with his words.

"Do I what?" Dean turned back, staring at his brother.

"Well, uh…do you…miss him?" Sam finally spat it out.

"M-miss him?" The other hunter almost fell over.

"Yeah, I know you guys have like a special…'pulled me out of hell' bond thing goin' on and I think you're just all upset cause you don't want to lose him again."

"Just what're trying to say Sammy?" Dean raised his hand and pointed at his brother accusingly, "I'll have you know I was just about to bang that bartender – that girl bartender - in there before you came along with all this emotional crap!" With that he made a bee-line for the door, not sure who he was trying to convince more, himself or his brother.

"Dean!" Sam cut him off, grabbing his arm and turning his older brother to face him. "I didn't mean it like that, I just meant you know, you miss him, like you would miss me if I suddenly disappeared."

"Ah, who said I would miss you." Dean shrugged, knocking his brother's hand off him playfully. "C'mon, let's go get some sleep." He smiled and turned back towards his car, hoping it would be enough to quell Sam's curiosity.

"Yeah, okay." Sam sighed, knowing he wasn't going to get any further with his brother tonight.

/

Back that the hotel, Dean was still having trouble falling asleep. But instead of having the comforting sight of the stars above him, he was forced to stare up at the dirty ceiling of their room. He was trapped there too, knowing that if he got up again Sam would be right on his heels armed with another emotional talk. One of those for the night was sufficient enough. Already what Sam said was slowly sinking into his head causing undesired thoughts to bubble to the surface, making Dean uncomfortable. Did he really miss Cas like that? No, it couldn't be. Why would he? It wasn't like Cas missed him…

Sam was right about their bond though, that part was true enough. Dean had felt it since the moment Cas had pulled him from Hell. The angel had even admitted it himself. And strangely enough, that was a comforting though; knowing that the fallen angel felt their bond as well, it wasn't just a one sided thing Dean had imagined in his head. Despite what Cas had done against them in the past, it felt good to know that Cas was at least on their side this time. A guilty feeling settled in the hunter's stomach as he realized that Cas being cast out of heaven made him slightly happy. Though he would never admit it to anyone, it was true. It meant that the fallen angel did not have anywhere else to go and needed the hunters; he needed Dean. It was a small comfort to at least feel like the angel would eventually come back to him.

With that thought running across his mind, comforting him, Dean finally was able to pass out. If only for a few hours, like usual.

/

"I'll have the special, side of bacon please." Dean smiled at the pretty waitress as she took his order. "Love me some bacon." He turned his smile to his little brother sitting across from him sipping his coffee.

"You're in a better mood," Sam smiled back, taking another sip.

"Yeah, I slept okay for once." Dean responded.

"Does that have anything to do with our little talk?" Sam prodded.

"What talk?" Deciding to play dumb, Dean turned his attention to the waitress who he could see had their breakfast in hand.

"Let me know if you need anything else." She smiled as she placed down their meals.

"Thanks, sweetheart," Dean shot her a smile that made her blush and hurry away.

"Great," Sam said dryly, poking at his breakfast salad, "Now we're never gonna get refills."

"So any cases?" Dean changed the subject.

"I've been busy looking for possible Lucifer activity," Sam said, flipping a newspaper on the table, "But no real luck I guess."

"So where are we headed?"

"Baltimore, Maryland." Sam answered, pointing to an article.

"What's there?" The older hunter asked, biting off a piece of his bacon.

"Says here, some weird stuff has been happening in their harbor," Sam continued, while skimming the paper and taking a fork full of his salad, "Men have been disappearing, sailors, tourists, no real pattern, just male and near the water. Its been four men in the past three weeks."

"Do they have a theory?"

"Looks like some people are saying that they're falling into the water and drowning, but the police haven't recovered any bodies yet, just… ripped articles of their clothing with blood on them." Sam shook his head, brushing his long brown hair out of his eyes.

"That doesn't sound like a drowning to me." Dean scoffed at his eggs. "Let's head out after breakfast."

"Sounds good to me," Sam replied.

They finished their breakfast quickly, paid and hurried out the door. Both hunters knew it was going to be a long drive there. The case they had just finished was in a small town in Kentucky, and even with Dean's impatient driving they were still going to be stuck in the car for a while. Dean never minded long car rides, it meant more time with his baby, but this time he had a nagging suspicion that Sam would start up another feelings talk. And this time there would be no where to run. And he was right. It only took about an hour into their drive when Sam started in on him.

"Did you think about what I said last night, Dean?" Sam started, turning his head towards his brother.

"What did you say?" Dean dodged, wanting to avoid this conversation.

Sam rolled his eyes, knowing his brother all too well. "About Cas," He reminded, tilting his head towards him. "About why you've seemed so upset the past couple weeks."

Dean's hands tightened around the steering wheel, their speed picking up a little as his nervousness made him push the gas petal down a little further toward the floor of the car. None of this went unnoticed by Sam, indicating to him that he had hit a nerve, making him thing that he was right about the whole issue. Dean missed Castiel.

"It's okay if you do," the younger brother offered, trying to ease Dean into the conversation, knowing full well Dean's motto was to avoid feelings at all costs, "I miss him too, even though he thinks I'm an abomination."

"You do?" Dean looked over, his grip slightly loosening.

"Yeah, sure," Sam continued, thinking he was finally getting some where with his emotionally stunted older brother, "I mean it was nice having him back on our side, don't you think?"

Dean took the bait, getting fired up and forgetting about his golden rule about avoiding how he was feeling, "Yeah, it's not even about him not being here, I just would like…" he trailed off, staring down the road with an intense looking in his hazel eyes.

"Would like to know…?" Sam nudged his older brother, encouraging him to continue.

"…to know he's okay, ya know?" The older hunter sighed, "We were all in some pretty deep shit and with him cut off from heaven we're the only ones that he can turn to for help. I mean, damn, Sammy. That's gotta be a big shock."

"I'm sure if he need's help he'll call, Dean." Sam tried to console his brother, seeing the worry that washed over his face, "He's been around for hundreds of years and not to mention he's a trained warrior of God, he'll be okay."

"I know…I just…don't know…"

"Don't know what?"

"I don't really want to talk about this anymore Sam," Dean said, finality in his voice that said the conversation was over.

"C'mon Dean," Sam pursued anyway, ignoring the glare his older brother gave him, "You've been sulking around for like two weeks now and that's the only thing I can think of."

Dean laughed, which surprised Sam at first, "Have you forgotten about the whole end of the world bullshit we started, Sammy? I'd said that's a reason to 'sulk'" He mocked.

"Don't try to play that card on me," The younger brother threw back, "You never get worked up about stuff unless it's personal."

"The apocalypse isn't personal?!"

"Dean!"
"Sam!"

They had reached a stale mate. It was clear that Dean did not want to give up anymore information about how he was feeling concerning Cas, and it was also evident that Sam was not done with the topic either. He was determined to get to the bottom of it, convinced that if Dean just talked about it, he would feel better.

"You know he didn't leave because of you." Sam said, cutting his eyes away from his brother to stare out the window at the passing landscape and folding his arms.

"What?" Dean sighed, a slight tone of exhaustion in his voice.

"He rebelled against heaven for you. He'll be back. That's all I am going to say." Sam finished, resting his head back on the head rest and closing his eyes.

Dean let out a sigh of relief, happy this conversation was finally over. But once again, Sam had gotten the final word in that left Dean's mind reeling. He secretly hoped that his little brother was right. He hoped that Cas really would come back, because like it or not it was becoming more and more clear to the seasoned hunter that he apparently needed Castiel in his life just as much as he thought the fallen angel needed him.

Shaking his head free of these thoughts he wasn't ready to deal with yet, Dean pressed the gas petal down, speeding east towards their destination. A welcome distraction to…whatever was going on with him. All the while his left arm, the hand print Cas had left on him, tingling.

A/N: It's been a while since i've written anything, I feel a bit rusty so bare with me. I hope ya'll like it though. :] No copyright infringement intended.

~Jay