I Am Weaker Than I Thought I Was

Warning: slash and ANGST ANGST ANGST and probably OOC-ness on everyone's part and ANGST

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

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I am weaker than I thought I was.

I thought once that I was strong, facing you down and sending you my coldest glares in your direction. I thought I hated you, and I thought my hatred was my strength.

It turns out that there was never hatred, but another forbidden, detestable emotion. In that way, I am weak.

I am weaker than I thought I was.

I thought once that I was strong, chasing you down through the years. I thought my duty called me thus, and wherein lies a man's greatest strength but in the fulfillment of his duty?

It turns out that duty was never my motivation, but instead that aforementioned forbidden emotion. In that way, I am weak.

I am weaker than I thought I was.

I thought once that I was strong, facing death at your hands with my eyes cold and my heart beating regularly. I had lost, and I thought I could accept defeat, and that was one of my greatest strengths.

It turns out that my heart was beating a frenzied tattoo, and my eyes were clutching a final thread hope and desperately seeking in yours for the aforementioned forbidden emotion, which they did not and would never see. In that way, I am weak.

I am weaker than I thought I was.

I thought once that I was strong, the irons cold within my hand as your misstep let me claim the victory on that dark night above the fetid sewers. I thought I had won at last, and does it not take strength to emerge first in any chase?

It turns out that the pleading in your eyes and the begging from your lips struck a chord in the part of my cold, bleak soul inhabited by the forbidden emotion, and I let you go. In that way, I am weak.

I am weaker than I thought I was.

I thought once that I was strong, when I decided to end it all in the cold, swirling chaos of the river. I would repent for my numerous past weaknesses in one glorious act of strength—a grand finale that would prove myself once and for all strong.

It turns out that in the final moments you were there and reached out a hand to me, and when I saw in your eyes that forbidden, detestable, and yet infinitely wonderful emotion that was mirrored in my heart, I turned from my grand finale into the long-awaited shelter of your embrace…in the end, I couldn't do it. In that way, I am weak.

I am weaker than I thought I was. …

…but with you beside me, your hand in mine and that most beautiful of all emotions in your eyes and my own…

….I don't think that I really mind.

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