It has been over a year since I last saw him. That is all I'm sure of when it comes to time, the exact date is unknown to me. The passage of days began to blend together after a few months. It was about that time that I began to think about the 'what if's.'
What if I searched harder for him, if I went to all the nearby towns and looked deeper in the forest? Would things have been different? Would I be alone here right now on Darras Kharlan? Would I have had to betray him like I did? Thoughts such as these frequented my mind, never giving me peace of mind.
It was beginning to drive me mad so I looked for something to keep me busy. My attempted distraction for myself was to do the maintenance necessary for Welgaria and Mithos's Castle to stay standing, even though there would be no one living here with me on this mass of mana known as Darras Kharlan. It worked for a while, but soon the overwhelming feeling of regret returned.
Was what I did really for the best? Did I really have to leave with Darras Kharlan? Am I only avoiding him, now that he knows who I am and what I've done? Afraid of what my own son thinks of me.
I was at my wits end. I was willing to ensure that my son would out live me, that is if he were still alive, I had no clue if he still lived or not. That was when I found an old photo that I had hidden from myself long ago, after I had returned to Darras Kharlan after that dreadful day.
It was a photo of Anna, Lloyd and myself. He was sitting on my shoulders at the age of three, a toy sword in his hand. I had carried him on my shoulders very often, since he easily tired of walking when he was little.
The memories made me smile. We had just arrived in Palamacosta when a merchant stopped us and asked if we would like to have our photo taken. It was only 50 gald, so we agreed. That was a month before I lost them, for what I thought was forever.
However, this was only the case with Anna. Had I known Noishe and Lloyd had survived I would have searched the world many times over until I found them. Why did I give in so easily? My mind told me they were dead, after all the fall was far to great for a child to survive. Even though this was plain to me my heart screamed that it wasn't true, they wouldn't have just disappeared if they were dead. Eventually my grief aloud logic to win out. They were gone and I was never getting them back. I returned to Darras Kharlan, to Mithos, feeling very much like a beaten dog.
As the memories that I had long since buried returned, the tears that I refused to let flow a along came forth. I didn't care, it was safe to cry here. There was no one besides myself here, no one to see me so week. The overwhelming feeling of loneliness gathered around me, just like it did on that day thirteen years ago.
After what felt like hours, I managed to regain most of my old hard and slightly cold shell I had built to hide every feeling that I had just relived. I decided I should record this somewhere in hopes that this would never happen again, and to give myself something to do. I also hoped that if ever Darras Kharlan drifts close to the new world Lloyd had created for everyone, the world that I ran away from, that my son, or anyone who knew him, may find it and understand that I would have given anything to see his new world just once before I died.