Liberty
I held that baby-my baby-but not for long. Perfect little face, perfect little fingers and little toes. He sleeps in my arms. He doesn't know what a failure I am, what a messed up nothing. Me, Liberty Van Zant, class president, skipped a grade. Pregnant at 15. So dumb. It's not just J.T. who screwed up, it's me, too.
He is so soft, this nameless child in my arms and he'll grow and thrive under someone else's watchful eye. When they take him from my arms it is the worst loneliness I have ever known.
Ashley
Okay, I knew something was wrong with him. Not right at least. I knew that much. He was different than before, different from ninth grade and even 10th when he was at least calm. Craig Manning. I love him, I do, but something was just off.
He was always going at 90 miles an hour now, writing songs or zipping around a room or just talking, talking, talking. Jumping from one train of thought to another that it got hard to follow. Saying he loved me, I had been dying to hear it but even that should have been a warning. There were no walls anymore, no boundaries. I had to admit that had been something I liked even while I hated it, too. The fear in his eyes when we got too close.
The wedding, my dad's wedding, what a disaster. I was so embarrassed. What was he thinking? Announcing all of our future plans like that? Did he think my parents would be okay with that? So I sent him away. I had to. I couldn't take it anymore.
I got worried, though. Felt guilty after Joey came to the wedding looking for him. He trashed the hotel room, he asked me to marry him for god's sake. Something was wrong. I had to find him, see if I could help him somehow. I had no idea how. I had no idea what was wrong.
Jimmy
I thought I could talk my way out of it. I thought I could reason with Rick. It went beyond reason. I can see it, over and over, the way he slowly pulls the gun from his jacket, the way he points it at me.
Just like a nightmare, that slow syrupy motion, caught in quicksand, can't get away, can barely scream. Something funny happens to time at moments like those. It speeds up and slows way down, it pulls apart and compresses. That slow motion run down the hallway is going on forever.
Manny
No one can look as sad as my mother. I tell her I'm pregnant and she looks that way. I hate to cause that look. But she brings me to the appointment. That's what I call it in my head, 'the appointment', but it's an abortion. I had to have one. I couldn't have that baby, tell my father about it, he'd send me away.
Marco
So I lied. I lied to myself for awhile about the gay thing. It was hard to deal with, hard to accept in myself that I was, well, gay. I thought the attraction to girls would sort of magically happen one day but it never did, all the while I'm noticing other things. My friends' cologne, the movement of their muscles under their clothes, their broad shoulders and deep voices. These things make me feel…that way…like I thought I would, or at least should, with girls.
Ellie
My dad left, peace keeping mission. I knew he might get blown to bits. My mom started drinking. Seriously fell into a bottle drinking. I can smell it, that sharp pungent alcohol smell. Vodka and whiskey and scotch. She doesn't fool around. In my room alone, the door locked, the music on, I still feel numb. Still feel cut off from her and everyone and myself. I don't even know when I first did it, drew the sharp razor across my skin and felt a second of peace.
Craig
In the hospital room. Finally. Everything was racing and scrambled up in my head. I hit Joey. I can't believe I did that but he was grabbing me and trying to make me…something…I don't know. I was fine. I told him I was fine and he kept pulling me and I just…I don't know.
Sitting in the ER for hours. Hours. Joey next to me bleeding because I made him bleed. For a split second I thought we were there for him, because I hurt him.
"I'm fine, Craig," he said softly, looking at me in a cautious way, "we're here for you,"
I couldn't keep still, my legs bouncing up and down, and I went to get up but Joey tugged on my shirt and whispered no. So I didn't get up, just sat there thinking a million things all at once. Song ideas. Band ideas. Money. Fame. Guilt ideas. I hurt Joey when all he'd ever done was look out for me, he took me in. I was as bad as my father, I was like my father. Violent. Abusive. Couldn't help it, it was in my DNA. And Ashley. Ash. She was gonna marry me. We could have this great wedding, everyone would be there, and we'd be actually married and I'd have a real family.
"Craig Manning?" this guy said, standing in the doorway. He was dressed in a dress shirt with jeans, a tie, a jacket. I looked at Joey. He nodded at me so I went with him into a little room.
"What's been going on, Craig?" he said, sitting on the edge of the desk. I sat in the chair up against the wall.
"Nothing,"
"Been feeling okay?"
"Yeah,"
"Sleeping okay?" he looked at me kind of sideways.
"Well, no. I've been up for the past couple nights,"
The guy nodded and wrote what I said down. I kept looking around everywhere. Wondered where Joey was. Wondered where Ashley was. Wondered if she was still mad at me.
"Craig," the guy said my name sharp, like he said something and I wasn't paying attention, which I wasn't. I couldn't.
"Huh? What?"
"I said have you been in any fights lately?"
Quiet. I didn't want to go into this with this guy. This stranger.
"Yeah," I said it all quiet. I wanted to be left alone.
"Do you usually get into fights?"
"No," Suddenly I felt like crying.
J.T.
It was funny, almost. I couldn't feel the pain anymore. That's the weirdest thing. Did that guy stab me? I reached around and felt something wet on my back, pulled my hand away and it was covered with blood. Oh oh this is not good. Not good at all. Violence, you know? I guess it's in us. But it didn't hurt anymore. It did. When he first did it, which was like what? Two seconds ago? It had hurt like hell. A sharp pain but with a burning, like something was on fire inside of me. Now I felt almost nice, like floating, floating away. There's Liberty, and she's upset, I can tell. I can always tell when she's upset, she gets that sharp look in her eyes. Liberty. I love her. I do. I realize it now. She's holding onto me and probably screaming but it's faint, I can hear her but just barely. We're sitting on the road now. I was standing but now we're on the road and I feel cold.
Toby
I knew he was dead. I don't know how I knew but I just did. He was dead. My best friend. Hospitals look so funny late at night, the staff so serious, rushing around, doing god knows what. But there's one of these people here for us, here to tell us the bad news.
"His grandma is out of town, she won't be back for hours," Emma. She was getting shrill. She still had hope that J.T. was okay. I could see hope burning in her eyes. Not me. All hope had burned away. J.T. was a corpse.
Paige
I've pretty much always been in control. Everywhere. At school, with my friends, at home, with boys. Especially with boys. On this bed in the darkened bedroom of some kid I didn't know, Dean holding me down with one hand and ripping open a condom with the other hand, control is gone. Saying no doesn't matter, doesn't help it and won't change it.
Craig
There was this fear that made it hard to breath. Trapped again, too. Why was I always so stupid? Always ending up somewhere where I couldn't get away.
I shouldn't have made that stupid photo album. What was I thinking? Of course he'd find it. He finds everything.
"What are you doing?" I could talk to him but when he was like this it didn't matter. It was like he couldn't even hear me. He looked at me like he wanted to kill me.
"I work my ass off for you," he said, hitting me with the photo album, "and what do I get?" Hit again, and I raise my hands up to block the blows, "what do I get?"
He grabbed my wrists and threw me to the floor. Hard cement floor and that hurt. But that wouldn't be it. He was still yelling, still asking questions in that mad, sarcastic way. He was about to hurt me and I hated him. I hated him so much.
Paige
The party went on outside. I could hear it faintly. Closed my eyes and could feel Dean, how rough he was, how he wouldn't let me up.
"Let me go," I said, and I said no. I kept saying it, still thinking it mattered.
Emma
I wouldn't eat. Goddamn it. It was about control. Willpower. Being thin was a victory, it was strength. I would control my body. It would look exactly as I wanted it to look. I could control what went into my mouth. And it was working. I could feel my clothes getting looser, the tight jeans now loose, now hanging a bit off my hips. My cheekbones were more prominent. My eyes looked bigger. I was prettier, I was skinny. I would win.
Spinner
Jimmy was talking to me. As our class graduated without us and we both stood in the shadows watching. He was talking to me and not saying he hated me and that I was dead him. I'd felt dead to myself.
I never meant for it to happen, I never meant for any of that to happen. But I didn't know, you know? I didn't know Rick was going to go absolutely psycho and start shooting people. Shit, man, did I learn some hard lessons. You can't treat people like that, you can't just go after someone and not think they won't break. We were all broken.
Sean
"Did your parents hit you?" Craig said with this odd hope in his voice, and I looked at him. He was looking down, sort of balancing himself on the train tracks, leaning to one side and then the other. His dad hit him. I mean, I heard enough in the background of that phone call. I heard someone yelling and pounding on something in the background and I heard Craig sounding all panicky but trying to sound normal. I knew about trying to sound normal, trying to be normal. It didn't work.
Paige
I wasn't even talking to him anymore. I wasn't even there in a way. He rocked and slammed into me and I just tried to block it out, tried to think of other things. Tried to go to another place and it worked, it worked better than I would have thought.
Ellie
"Don't, don't make me say it, Craig. You know, so don't make me say it," The music so loud from the show and we were backstage and I was making one last ditch effort to save Craig, to protect him. I should know from experience that that doesn't work out too well.
His look changes, from frustrated anger to realization and he comes toward me, puts his arms around me, leans in for a kiss and I think finally. Oh god how often had I wanted to kiss him after Ashley left. For once I was completely in the moment, in this moment. Kissing him, feeling finally the feeling I wanted, that he wanted me, too. Feeling the smoothness of his teeth with the tip of my tongue, feeling his shoulder blades through his shirt with my hands. I loved him. I'd loved him for a long time.
"I love you, Ellie," he said, and I smiled and felt like I would burst.
"I love you, too," I said through my smile.
"So don't tell Joey. I need it so, so don't tell him,"
This is what it means to be disillusioned. It wasn't real. Not on his part. I was getting in the way of what he wanted and he'd figured out how to get around me. He didn't love me at all.
Sean
It was real, and things were happening fast, there was no time to lose. But this was how I worked best.
Emma and Toby blubbering behind me, scared and clinging to each other like little puppies. I wasn't scared. Rick had a gun and maybe he'd shoot someone but it wouldn't be Emma or Toby, not if I could help it.
Rick was at the end of his rope. I understood that. I'd been there. He'd gone too far to ever come back, he knew it, we knew it, too.
"I already shot somebody," he said, and I flashed on Spinner, Jay, Jimmy. They'd given him the hardest time. I didn't really have much dealings with Rick. I let him go his own way. He hurt Terri and that was wrong, of course, but beating the guy up over it day after day wouldn't make Terri better.
He raised the gun, aiming at Emma. I loved Emma. Despite Ellie. Ellie, who I really cared about. But not like how I felt about Emma. So I acted. I grabbed his arm that held the gun and he pulled it down but I had to keep that gun from pointing at her. I was stronger than Rick and I had more at stake. He'd fucked up and things were done now. He'd go to jail, maybe for life. I was still in it.
Craig
Sometimes I couldn't quite remember the, uh, the beatings. I knew they happened, of course. I knew because I hated my dad and it hurt. Bruises, all purple and black and blue. My arms and legs ached where he punched me or my back hurt where he strapped me. And I was jumpy. Kids at school made fun of me a little bit for it but I couldn't help it.
Now, in my room, my back killing me because of that goddamn belt, I was gonna remember. I'd make myself remember. I wasn't crazy. The doors locked. Good. He'd be up sometime maybe. Apologizing. 'I'm sorry, Craig. It'll never happen again,' That's what he says. That's what he always says.
Jimmy
First I heard noises. Strange mechanical beeps. The soft whisper of rubber soles on waxed hallway floors. Soft voices, worried voices. I didn't know where I was or what had happened. I heard people crying. I heard my name. My eyes closed, people talking to me almost like they thought I couldn't hear them.
"I, I saw your empty seat and I got so scared. I knew, Jimmy, I knew," Hazel, crying, her voice hitching. She touched my hand lightly.
"Oh my god, you've got to get better. Do you hear me? You will get better. You will," Paige, her voice loud and strong, then in a whisper, "you better,"
"Jimmy, man, please, please, don't die. Okay? Okay, please?" Marco, tears in his voice, a pleading in his voice.
"I couldn't take it. Not another one. My mom, my dad, everyone dying on me. Not you too, Jimmy," Craig.
They leave, or they become quiet. Just the mechanical beeps and the soft whisper of rubber on wax.
Terri
TBI, that stood for traumatic brain injury. That was what Rick did to me. Brain surgery, blood clots, massive bleeding, memory loss and memory problems, problems with abstract thinking, seizure disorder. I'd already had one seizure.
Now I was in a special school and a special class for students with TBI, and everything was different. No more fast track to college. No more packed classes and tons of homework. No more being normal.
Sean
Craig stood on the tracks as the train came and I thought, at first, that he was just fooling around. But I saw this look on his face, this look in his eyes, and I thought he wasn't fooling around. I went to grab him but he pushed me off him.
"Get offa me," he said, and shoved me. I fell and looked up at him staring at the train. Shit, shit. He was gonna kill himself right in front of me.
Rick
Fuck them. I'd had enough. Last straw? It was a whole year of last straws.
Well, they'd pay. They'd pay for what they did to me and to Toby and to everyone else that they deemed unworthy of their pathetic little cliques. They'd know the pain that they had inflicted on me.
Craig
"I want to go home," I said, standing at the high desk in the hospital. My room was down the hall. Joey had brought me some clothes and stuff and I wore my flannel pajama pants and T-shirt. It was late, it was like midnight. But I hadn't been sleeping anyway. I couldn't sleep.
"It's midnight, Craig. You have to go get some sleep," A nurse. It was only nurses here at night, not like during the day when there were psychiatrists and psychologists and mental health techs and social workers and nurses and all of them talked to me and asked me questions. At night it was just the nurses and the assistant nurses.
"I can't sleep. I want to go home,"
"Well, this is a locked psych unit and you can't go home. So go to bed,"
"I want to leave!" I slammed my hand on the desk and stared at her. She stared right back.
"Go to your room," she said, steel in her voice.
"What if I don't?"
"Craig, there's nothing I can do. You can't leave now. It's midnight. And I can't let you leave. That's up to the doctor. And this sort of behavior won't get you out any faster,"
Fuck. I glared at her but it didn't do any good. I wanted to hit something, her, the wall, something. But I didn't. I paced the halls, went to the doors. They were locked, all of them. The nurses had keys and I saw them leave to go out for a break, for supper, when their shift was done. I banged on the door, the sound it made rattling in the frame pretty loud, and I kept doing it and kept hearing that sound echo.
"Craig," Soft voice, and the two nurses and the two nurses' assistants were standing near me. Near but not so near that I could easily reach them. One nurse held a little plastic cup with a little pill in it and a glass of water in a plastic cup. There was no glass on the psych ward. No glass, no real dishes, no knives, no plastic bags, no belts.
"Take this," she said, her eyes cautious.
"I want to fucking leave!" I said, swearing, out of control. I couldn't help it though, I couldn't. I was trapped here.
"Take this. It will help you calm down. You need to get some sleep," I closed my eyes for longer than a blink. She was right. I'd been up for days running on this weird energy, inspiration. It was exhausting.
"What if I don't?" I wanted to be, I don't know, not this. Not this crazy kid locked up and being given all these meds, being so out of control. I didn't have any control here.
"Then I will call the psychiatrist and get an order for a shot, and if we have to hold you down to give it to you we will," The steel in her voice again and I'd seen them do that to someone else. I sighed, gave up, okay. I'd take the stupid pill.
"Okay," I said in a whisper and started to cry. Stupid tears. I wiped them away.
I swallowed the pill and went to my room, laid on my bed, and waited for it to kick in.
Hazel
What happened to my life? There was some hole right in the middle of it. I watched Paige and Alex walk down the hall, leaning on each other, smiling secret smiles. Paige was my friend, my best friend, not Alex's.
Jimmy's absence weighed on me. Shot down right in this school, right in this hallway. And he was more distant than ever.
The people who meant the most to me were slipping away. I saw them going but couldn't stop them. Who was I without Paige? Without Jimmy? I had to start to find myself.
Manny
Steel instrument, long and skinny, going up and killing that baby. Abortion. Black dark word. Dressed in a paper gown, sitting on a paper sheet, everything rustling together. This was the result of going after Craig so ruthlessly, of having to have him at any cost. This was the cost.
Jimmy
The doctor looked impassive. He'd seen this sort of thing before. His words cutting me to the bone.
"You may never walk again,"
Craig
My cheekbone kind of hurt where he hit me, again, even though I lived with Joey he hit me again. I told Joey last night I hated him and I meant it. I'd go to children's aid and be done with him. He wasn't going to hit me again.
Spinner
I couldn't go see him in the hospital. I couldn't. It was my fault, all my fault. I might as well have taken out the gun and shot him myself.
Paige
I felt used. Dirty. Dean, what a goddamn bastard. Son of a bitch.
Emma
Fainting didn't hurt. Not at all. It felt good to finally let go.
J.T.
Funny, I never noticed so many things before. The way thoughts are actually a part of the brain. How bleeding doesn't hurt after a while. How good it feels to be in Liberty's arms.
Craig
He shoved the plate of food off the table and got up fast. I was scared. I hadn't been expecting that.
Sean
The gun went off, so loud, echoing in my head and outside it. Everything was wet. I thought I pissed myself at first.
Toby
There was snow on top of his grave and it was snowing again. It was night time and it made the snow look kind of blue. I didn't think you were supposed to be at a cemetery at night. The grave stone did look kind of beautiful. Never thought I'd be hanging out with J.T. here.
Manny
I was moving on. Chester following me around and he was cute, I mean, real cute. And I had my thing with Spinner. Craig didn't matter to me anymore. Then I introduce him to Chester since we walked right by him and he calls to me, holds my hands.
"I've been thinking about last year," he said, his eyes glazed with whatever meds he was on.
"It's okay," I said, suddenly wanting to be anywhere else with anyone else. Don't say anything, don't make me long for you again. I tried to pull away but he held on.
"No, it's not," he said, and I watched Chester walk on toward the caf, and here I was again, stuck in Craig's grip.
Paige
The shower was just hot enough to not burn me. I'd never feel clean again.
Craig
His face twists. Anger. I was a terrible kid. It was my fault. I could be better. If I was better this wouldn't happen. He takes his belt off and whips it out of the belt loops and I cringe, tense up.
Emma
He was a patient, not a doctor. How could he be a doctor anyway? When I was three he was only 18. He looked like his picture only older and sort of…out of it. He held the picture of me and my mom and I knew. He was Shane. My dad.
Marco
Enough with the lies. On the stage, the whole school out there and my parents, and I could see them despite the lights in my face. Enough with not owning my truth.
"Dad, I'm gay,"
Sean
It wasn't piss. Rick clung to me, and there was fear in his eyes. The gun went off and shot him. I let him cling. I wasn't even mad at him, not really. I couldn't let him shoot Emma or anyone else, that was all.
Craig
He kicked me in the stomach and I couldn't breath. It hurt so much. I curled up in a ball and gasped, waited for my breath to come back. Now he looked at me all worried and the stupid thing was I felt like it was my fault and was happy he cared to even look at me like he was worried.
Ellie
Line of blood, so perfect in its complete redness.
Ashley
"There was nothing at all," I sang, my own voice ringing in my ears. Glanced at Craig next to me. He was sexy, there was no denying that. But I believed this line about nothing, was living it. I had to get out, get away. My dad offered me that job in London but if it hadn't been that it would have been something else. I had to go. I couldn't take it here anymore. School, friends, Craig, I couldn't handle it anymore. I was going away. It was only a dream of you and the promise exploded through.