Title: Watching
Author: dragonwrangler
Rating: Teen
Spoilers: Season one
Author's note: Thanks to Kindar for the beta check. Any mistakes that remain are my own.
Disclaimer: Torchwood is the property of the BBC. This story was written for entertainment purposes only and no profit is being made.
We've had better outings.
We're all keyed up and empty-handed when we return to the Hub and Jack. Words are being snapped off; gestures are sharp and abrupt; emotions are flowing too close to the surface. As soon as the door rolls shut, I separate myself from the rest of the team; starting up the coffee machine and cleaning up the mess we'd left behind when we headed out.
Everyone else gathers in what passes as our office here in the Hub. They basically ignore me; but that's fine. Even though everyone's more or less dealt with the way I betrayed them all with Lisa over the last few months, I'm still trying to figure out where I fit in. Besides, the simple act of making a good cup of coffee grounds me more than being over there would: I've always found it easier to deal with my stress alone than in group therapy.
While picking up old takeout and half-empty mugs by the couch, I realize Jack's come out of his office. I can hear him speaking and though I can't quite catch the words, I find the warm steady tone of Jack's voice comforting in a way I can't quite explain.
It doesn't take long for Gwen's voice to start losing the tight strained edge it gets when she's upset as she answers a question from Jack. Then Toshiko cautiously offers up a suggestion, and I listen to Jack's quiet praise. I don't need to look up to see the shy surprised smile that's probably on her face right now. Owen suddenly makes a lewd comment that has nothing to do with today's little adventure, and everyone laughs.
The tension in the air breaks away like a sigh.
Glancing through the space between the computer screens, I can see Jack standing at the center of his team. His smile is bright and amused, his laugh full of life, his touch playful-- and to Owen probably more than a little annoying as Jack reaches out and musses up his hair.
That was the first thing I had to get used to when Jack finally gave in and hired me. Jack needs to touch, to feel, to be physically close to his team. With anyone else, that kind of attention would be suspect, but with Jack, it is so genuine and so him that, after a while, I only noticed it when Jack took it away; and the absence of that touch hurt more than a punch to the gut.
Admittedly I used that attention to my advantage but now...
As things have changed between us, I've come to recognize that there's more to Jack's actions at times like these than him being all touchy-feely. It's like he needs to prove to himself that we're still with him, that we're all still alive and breathing; and truthfully it's something we need as well, simple human contact to ground us while we step into the Twilight Zone.
Sometimes Jack's more than just our leader, sometimes he's our only grip on sanity.
As the laughter dies down and everyone settles in to work-- cataloging what we've found that still needs to be filed, writing up the reports for future referencing, checking to make sure the Rift is stable and quiet once again (well, at least as quiet and stable as a rip in time and space can be)-- Jack steps back and stops just outside the group; hands in his pockets, watching and observing. It makes me pause for a moment.
Do you know how heartbreaking it it watching you at times like this, Jack? I can't help thinking as I watch the smile on Jack's face fade away. This is who you really are isn't it; always on the outside looking in. I can see it in your eyes and in the way you hold yourself-- you desperately wants to join us, but because of what's been done to you, you never will, not completely. All you can do is stand there on the fringes, watching those you loves grow old and die; unable to protect them from the passage of time and unable to protect yourself from the pain love brings.
What is it you see in us, Jack? In me? Why do you care so much? We're all misfits and broken in one way or another. We probably fuck things up more than we actually fix them. And we know how to hurt you. We've called you monster to your face and fiend behind your back. We've turned on you, betrayed you, killed you.
And you've always forgiven us. Why, Jack? Why do we mean so much to you?
I know I've let my thoughts drift a little too much; Jack's watching me now, waiting to see if I need anything from him. But I don't, I'm fine, and so Jack just nods and turn away and heads back into his office.
Eventually we'll all pack up and leave for the night. Jack will call out good night or goodbye from his office without bothering to look up from whatever paperwork's got his attention, and we'll all step out of the Hub and leave him and everything associated with the Rift behind like a nightmare best left forgotten as we return to the world everyone else lives in. There were times after Lisa died when I wished I could do exactly that.
Tonight though, when everyone else leaves, I find himself lingering, wandering around straightening things that were already straightened, cleaning what's already been cleaned. I finally give up trying to make excuses and lean into Jack's office to ask, "Is there anything you need before I go?"
Jack looks up. I wait for the expected indecent response to that question, but with a quick glance Jack's already figured out what it is I'm really asking-- Are you all right? Do you want someone to talk to? Why did you forgive me, Jack?-- and all he says is, "I'm all set. I'll see you in the morning. Thanks Ianto."
I don't want to leave; I want to be there for Jack the same way he's there for us, but I have no idea how to do that, or even, for that matter, if I should. Oh yes, I've been there physically for Jack, but emotionally? Of that I have no clue. I know Jack keeps his distance to protect himself. His immortality is like a wall between us and I'm starting to wonder if I should break through that wall or not. Jack's going to live forever-- would it be kinder to keep things the way they are than to get so close to him that I break his heart when I die? Because I am going to die, and in this job probably sooner than later, and where would that leave Jack? And can I live with myself knowing what that'll do to Jack?
God, makes my head hurt just thinking about it.
Instead of finding out what Jack might think about the whole thing, I just shove it all to the back of my mind like I always do, grab my coat, and say, "Right. See you tomorrow then." Jack nods but he's already engrossed by whatever it is that he's reading and doesn't look up.
I don't look back as I steps out of the Hub.
Outside, I look up at the evening sky and find a single star flickering above me. Feeling more like a little kid than a sane adult, I do the whole Twinkle, twinkle little star thing. It might not make a difference but if this job has taught me anything it's that you grab whatever hope you can find and run like hell with it.
And right now, it's all I can think to do.