a/n. This story picks up four years after "Smoked". There is no specific viewpoint but it does jump between Elliot and Olivia and Kathy. Includes direct quotes as well as improvised scenes from Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. Right from Seasons 1-16. All characters, direct quotes etc remain property of Dick Wolf, the writes and NBC. Enjoy :)
"Night, baby boy," breathing in what was left of that sweet baby scent, as she plants a small, loving kiss on Noah's forehead, "Mumma loves you." His tiny, perfect nose twitches and he sighs contently, letting Olivia know that he heard her, and he knows. At only eighteen months old, Noah has seen and been through more than anyone, let alone a baby must go through. Olivia only hopes that she does right by him. She stands at the side of Noah's crib, longer than necessary, contemplating everything that has happened to her in her life. The love and loss she has experienced. She thinks of her mother, the mother never forgave herself, nor her daughter for her rape; the mother who nearly killed Olivia; the mother who sadly let her own demons get the better of her. After everything Olivia endured over the past four years; the loss, the hurt, the trauma, Olivia vowed that she would never ever inflict any pain on Noah. She vowed that she would always be there for him, for better or worse. Heck she'd give her son a kidney if he needed it. She sighs, pushing whatever thoughts were going to start, to go away. It did make her sad that Serena would never get to see her Grandson, but at least Olivia knew that neither of them would ever have to be subjected to the abuse of a drunk.
While Olivia may not have had the best of mother's to use as a role model, she knew what she needed as a child. Working in Special Victims unit, for as long as she had, had also given her a greater insight to what all children needed; love, support, stability and safety. It pained Olivia to know that Noah had not always had this, she was content knowing that from now on, and forever, he would. She thinks back to when she had Calvin. Just thinking of him made her smile, he would be almost sixteen now, she was a good guardian to him, wasn't she? She thought about Calvin a lot, especially since getting Noah, imagining what he would've been like as an older brother, fiercely protective, she thought. Olivia casts her mind back to Tyler and Livvy, and of course, Simon. She must call him sometime and tell him the good news. He would be happy to hear that something has gone right for his older sister. She imagined having Tyler and Livvy over for sleepover, and playing with Noah. It would be nice to have a happy family. Just once. Briefly, Olivia thinks of Cassidy, and what he would be like as a father, she shakes her head dismissively and rolls her eyes. Brian Cassidy, as a father. Even though he loves Olivia, and did for so long, they were a lost cause. He didn't want children, and she did. After the event from last year, he was on eggshells around her. How was she meant to get back to life if he treated her like a fragile victim? Thoughts of another person, the perfect father for Noah flash through her mind, but once again, Olivia breathes in and shakes her head, bringing her back to the present.
Olivia kisses her son one more time, before checking the baby monitor and leaving the room slowly, as not to wake him. She heads towards the bathroom, to wash her face and complete her nightly beauty regime, the only fifteen minutes of the day Olivia ever truly gave to herself. She rubbed in the last of her night cream and shuffled to her bed. She stood at the doorway looking at the large, empty bed. For a brief moment she imagined him. He was lying there propped up against the pillows, looking at her with those blue eyes, those eyes who saw through everything, the tough exterior, the pain, the hurt, everything. The eyes that saw into her soul. I'm your partner, for better or worse; I'd give you a kidney, not if I gave you mine first.
It was one silent tear that brought Olivia back to the present. "It's been four years, Liv, let it go," she whispered to herself. Deep down, she knew she never could, even in her weakest, or rather her strongest moment she still thought of him. "My old partner he'd know what to do. He wouldn't question himself after what you've done. He would kick your teeth in, break your legs, break your arms, break your back, break your face. Maybe I should call him. Maybe I should get him to use that metal bar on you huh? And make you beg for your life."
The memory of William Lewis makes her almost sick, her whole body instantly flexed all over. Automatically, her hands trace over the scars he left her with. Although, now that she had gotten used to them, Olivia, almost wore them with pride, they were her battle scars. They were proof that she was stronger than Lewis; proof that she was worthy of life, of her shield, her weapon; worthy of Noah. Proof that she was worth the title of Commanding Officer, Sergeant Olivia Benson of Special Victims Unit, Manhattan.
Sliding into her bed, her fingers lightly caress the picture of her and Noah that she keeps on her bedside table, reminding herself of the present and the future; and drifts off into sleep.
Meanwhile, over in Queens, another exhausted parent, tries to unsuccessfully, coax his eight year old to go to bed. "But Daddy, Mummy lets me stay up this late all of the time." They might be divorced, by he still knew that Kathy never let the kids stay up, past eight. He also knew that if she found out that the eight year old had stayed up until midnight, there would be more than hell to pay.
Kneeling down, ensuring that he is exactly eye level with his son, "Eli, buddy," he pleads, "please just go to bed. You got to watch TV, I read you three books and you've had not one, not two, but three cups of hot cocoa. What else do you want?"
Eli ponders this for a while, stroking his little chin. This makes his father chuckle and shake his head. After some deliberation he says with a victorious grin, "ice-cream!" and jumps up, indicating he wanted his father to pick him up.
"Ice-cream?" he questions as he then picked his son up from the ground, carrying him into his Minecraft adored room, "Eli, it's midnight, you're not getting ice-cream," he has been a father long enough, to know that sugar and midnight is never a good mix. Eli looks disappointed, "How about, if you go to sleep know, I'll give you chocolate pancakes, with Ice-cream for breakfast?" he had also been a cop for long enough to know, not to give into demands, but sometimes, desperate times called for desperate measures. Even, if combatting one demand for sugar was giving him, twice enough, Kathy was picking him up after breakfast, and the sugar high would be hers to deal with.
Even after the few minutes of the two men arguing over bedtime, it was enough to wear young Eli out enough for him to give up and finally sleep. The words, "okay Daddy," were barely audible through the large yawn, his son produced. As he lowered his son into his bed, a sad smile came across his face, it finally dawned on him, how many of these he had missed in the last fourteen years since becoming a Special Victims Unit detective, let alone before that. Elliot lovingly caresses his sons blond head before kissing him goodnight night before switching off the light heading back into the lounge room. He may have Kathy's colouring, he though, but he certainly has my personality.
Once sitting comfortably on the worn out sofa, Elliot contemplates what has happened in the last four years. While him and Kathy did try and work it out, for the sake of their children, Eli, in particular, they knew deep down is wasn't going to work. When love warps to hate, there is nothing you won't do, he thought. It was times like this, when he was all alone, and trying to reason with the young eight year old, that he missed their marriage, or rather their partnership, the way that Kathy was always able to get the kids to do anything. He sighed, not being one to dwell on the past, he gets up from the couch to fix himself a midnight snack, all this talk of ice-cream and pancakes was making him hungry. Rummaging through the fridge, he comes across a jar of pickles, he picks up the ribbed glass jar and studies it, slowly, a low chuckle, which then becomes a full belly laugh starts to erupt from the usually serious man. The words, I'm not the one who stabbed the captain with a pickle, dance through his mind, followed by her face, her smile, her brown eyes, which, after all they had seen, never failed to be warm and inviting, like the rest of her. I'm your partner, for better or worse, he remembers, better or worse goddam it. The image and news reports of William Lewis, combined with the ex-detective's knowledge of perps like him, and what he would've done to her dance around in Elliot's head. And with that, the jar of pickles becomes shattered glass and pickles as he angrily throws the jar into the small stainless steel sink, "Son of a bitch," he curses, as some of the glass nicks his hand.
After attending to the small cut on his thumb, Elliot looks at both his hands and studies them, the left hand, or so his ring finger in particular. While it has been three years since he last adorned that golden ring, he could still see the faint discolouration between where the band was and the rest of his finger.
He then rubs his hand across his receding hair line and jaw in exasperation as he turns and hits the kitchen countertop in angry, it's too late, he now sees Eli standing in the kitchen, son of a bitch, cursing himself for his idiotic behaviour, he really has to work on his anger. "What's wrong Daddy, why are you mad at the pickles?"
I was her partner for better or worse, I'd give her a kidney, better or worse, she had her worse and I wasn't there. "Nothing, buddy, they just broke, now please go back to bed." Praying silently that he would, just once, do as he was told. Eli just stood there, he may be eight, but he can see right through me. Eli clearly was not going to move. "How about I take you to bed, and I read you a story?" he pleads, thinking of anything to get her out of his mind. He takes his mini-me by the hand and leads him back to bed, snuggles in close to him and opens yet another book, by the end of the first sentence Eli is already asleep. Not wanting to disturb his son, and once again, reflecting on all the missed bedtimes, he stays there, hoping this might be the night he gets a decent sleep.
a/n just so everyone knows, I have had the majority of this story written for awhile. Right now, I am unsure of whether or not to keep it at the current ending (unpublished) or have a time jump. It's really up to you guys and the reviews. I will post the next chapter (Chapter 6) soon as it is already written. I have always felt the characters of Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler deserved to be together, however, I never felt that Elliot truly deserved Olivia. The way that Olivia has always presented herself, and considering her story (child of rape, failed relationships, Calvin and other failed adoptions Sealveiw, William Lewis as well as her view of You don't fall in love with the people you work with, along with her almost admissions to Quinn on 'Internal Affairs' and Noah) if there is one, I don't want her to instantly forgive Elliot and play family with him. They both have baggage and her hurt her, a lot. I don't see her letting all her walls down straight away, Elliot has to earn that right, and prove to her and Noah that he is not going to bail. That he will be there for better or worse and will be faithful to her, always. So please please PLEASE Review. Tell me what you like, don't like, if it's believable and what you all would like to happen; be it that Bensler is endgame, or Motherhood.