Oh no, not again. Harry is making me write another story about him! Can you believe it? Bit full of himself, methinks. He's a little angry about last time, cos I let a secret of his slip. Just to clear things up, Harry was not in the broom closet with Hermione or Ginny. Hermione, however, was in the closet with Draco. Very sorry, Harry, for that "misunderstanding" (I am currently rolling my eyes).
He asked my to write a story about his summer, but it was really boring. So, I'm going to just give you the conversation we had while he was telling me about it. It's far more interesting than what actually happened.
Here is our conversation, which starts with Harry getting angry about the last story I wrote.
"Mercury, I do not appreciate you telling little stories like that, when I asked you to write about what really happened. I will give you one more chance, just one. I want you to write about my summer. This time, it must be longer than last time, understood? Good, now write about my summer and no more telling fake stories."
I say, "Okay, Harry, but you know that I did not make up any of that story. You know it was all true (Here Harry tries to get angry again, but I interrupt him and he stops talking… for once…forget I said that). I will write a story about your summer, but you will have to tell me about it first. I wasn't really paying too much attention. It seemed to be really boring, I think I dozed off half way through."
"It was not boring, Mercury!" Harry exclaims. "You know that I never have boring summers, I'm Harry Potter! This will be no different, it will be very interesting."
"Whatever, Harry. Just start telling me."
"Okay, are you going to write this down?"
"I have a good memory."
"Write it down, Mercury, I don't want you to miss anything."
"Fine, Mr. Potter, have it your way." I bring out a pen and paper and write down one thing, Welcome to Potter Land, where Harry lives in a world of his own absorbed in himself.
"What did you just write?" Harry asks.
"None of you business, Potter, just tell me the story."
"Okay, I'll start from the beginning. I had just got home from Hogwarts and the Dursley's were putting me to work already. Turns out that it was Aunt Petunia's fortieth birthday the next day and Aunt Marge was coming to visit."
"Wait, her birthday? She never had a birthday before."
"Yeah, well, I didn't really pay much attention to her birthday before, she never remember mine. Back to my story, Mercury. I had to scrub the toilets, cut the grass, dust the house and prepare a gigantic roast beef for Marge. I did a wonderful job of it, I did. It was absolutely delicious."
"Harry, you didn't have any." I interrupt.
"Yes I did, it was fantastic." Harry protests.
"Harry, you put powdered asphodel on it and made her look like a tomato for a week. You wouldn't have had any even if she hadn't eaten the whole thing herself."
"Fine, but don't put that in the story. Say that she got an allergic reaction to the wine. I mean, that's what she thought happened. Well, Marge stayed with us for a week. I kept to myself most of the time because I was afraid of stirring up trouble."
"That's a lie."
"No it isn't! Stop interrupting me!"
"Yes it is, Harry. I know of at least two times when you deliberately caused trouble."
"You know what? You need to be quiet. Maybe I did do one or two little things, but no one needs to know about that. I've got a reputation to keep up, you know."
"This is not going to be very interesting. No one will read it if you don't let me say some of the bad stuff you did."
"But," says Harry, "I am interesting, so focus on me."
"You're not that interesting. I'd much rather be writing a story on Snape, you know. He's very interesting, and good looking too."
"Hey, I'm good looking!"
"Sure, Harry, sure you are. Just carry on with your story, all right?"
"Fine! Well, Marge finally went home and I was very happy. So happy that I did backflips all down the back garden! (Harry can't do backflips. That was another lie) I had to clean the whole house again. But, when I was done, I went up to my room and Hedwig was waiting for me with a letter from Sirius! Here, you can write that out and put it into the story." He handed me a piece of parchment.
Dear Harry
I hope you are well. I am currently in Hythe, camping out behind the local Safeway. Professor Dumbledore told me that Marge woman came again. I hope everything went better than last time. I haven't got much to say, since your year was pretty much uneventful. Write back and tell me if anything out of the ordinary has happened.
Sirius
"This is really boring. There's no point putting it in the story." I say, handing him the letter.
"Mercury, it's part of my summer, you're putting it in. Stop being difficult. So," He continues with his story. "I wrote back to Sirius and told him that everything was going fine. I asked him why he was in Hythe and why he was living behind a Safeway and sent the letter off. I decided to get started on my homework."
"Why, exactly, do you get homework over the summer? I don't get any on my summer holidays."
"Stop bragging, Mercury. You think I asked for homework? Well, I didn't. Can't you just write what I'm saying?"
"No."
"Shut up. I'm going to continue with my story now and if you interrupt me once more, I'm going to get mad."
"Whatever." I mutter, but he doesn't hear me.
"So, I started on my essay for Potions. Snape made us write a 4-meter long paper on different sleeping potions, when they were used throughout history and how to wake people up from them. I worked on it for the next week; it took a long time to complete, but I did it and I did a good job of it too. Then I had to write another essay for History of Magic!"
"And you did a fabulous job, right?"
"Absolutely fantastic job! I researched everything I could find on the Wizards Council. I'll bet even Hermione didn't do as good of a job as I did!"
"I think you're forgetting how smart Hermione is."
"I think you're forgetting how smart I am."
"Fine, whatever you want to think. Carry on."
"Well, it took me another week to finish that essay and by the time I was done, it was only one more week till my birthday! The minute I put down my quill, Hedwig came knocking at the window. She was carrying a large box from Sirius. I didn't open it though, because it wasn't time yet. But, it was awful heavy and it felt real expensive."
"The box felt expensive?"
"Yes, I have a sense for these things. It's what you get from living with nothing for ten years." He says proudly.
As much as I want to be sarcastic again, I bite my tongue and let him continue with his dull story.
"Over the next few days, I received packages from Ron, Hermione and Hagrid. I put them under the loose floorboard until it was July 30th, the day before my birthday. I waited until midnight, then pulled them out and opened them. Hagrid sent me some homemade toffee, which I didn't touch. Ron sent me a book on famous Quidditch moments. Hermione sent me a new set of Gobstones and Sirius gave me new cage for Hedwig. Solid gold, it was."
"Solid gold?"
"Yep."
"Is that it over there?" I ask, pointing over to the corner of his room. "Can I take a look?"
"Certainly." He gets up and brings me the cage.
"Hmm, I could have sworn gold wasn't brown."
"It's not brown," he mutters. "It's copper."
"Harry, I would appreciate it if you would just tell the truth."
"I would appreciate it if you'd shut up."
"Harry…" I say, warningly.
"Well, copper's better than gold anyway. It's a nice cage too. Well, I was happy with my gifts and the day went by smoothly. The letter that Ron sent along with the gift said that I couldn't come to stay with them until the last week of August. That kinda bummed me out, but I figured that this summer had been going smoothly so far and it wouldn't matter too much. That day went smoothly."
"I think this is where I fell asleep."
"Shut up."
"Does anything exciting actually happen?"
"Yes! Just wait, all right? Well, the two weeks following went quite well. I didn't have to do much work around the house and Uncle Vernon only yelled at me twice. I got another letter from Ron saying that they had got back from their holiday early…"
"Where'd they go?"
"Excuse me, I was talking."
"So was I. Where did they go for their holiday?"
"If you must know, they went to America."
"America? Why would they want to go to America when they could just as easily come here, to Canada?"
"I dunno, why don't you ask Ron?"
"Maybe I will."
"Fine, now will you please be quiet? Thank you. As I was saying, they got back a week early and they said that I could come stay with then now and that they would be there to pick me up the next day. I was overjoyed. I went downstairs and told Uncle Vernon and he went into his speech about how my kind, you know, wizards, wreck peoples homes and have no regrets about it. I didn't bother telling him that Mr. Weasley fixed it last time, because when I tried that last year, I just got yelled at. I don't really like being yelled at, so…"
"Harry, the story please."
"The next day, Ron and Mr. Weasley came to pick me up. Mr. Weasley managed to get a Ministry car to pick me up. We were riding in style all the way to the Burrow."
"Does some exciting stuff happen at the Burrow?"
"Of course! We got there and Ginny was waiting for me in the window. You know how she is, got her eye on me, she does."
"Don't bloody know why."
"What did you say?"
"I said, I don't bloody know why." I repeat.
"You've had more than your fair share of chances, Mercury, get out of here. I asked you here to write about me, not to be mouthy and sarcastic."
"Fine, I'll go to Severus. He'll appreciate me. And he's far better looking than you are." I get up to leave.
"No, no, no, sit down! I was just joking! You silly girl, I was just kidding around!" He says, with a fake smile. "Come on, get your paper out. Let's just get this done with, so you can write. Well, over the last two weeks of summer, me and Ron caused…"
"Ron and I."
"Whatever. We caused all sorts of trouble. Not on purpose of course. We accidentally turned Ginny's hair purple and had to de-gnome the garden. Ron was supposed to be cooking dinner, but set the sauce on fire. Got his mum a bit mad, it did."
"Wait," I interrupt. "I remember this. You set the sauce on fire, not Ron."
"Oh yes, that's right." He scowls. "For the last week, Hermione came to stay with us. She and Ginny did all that girly stuff, you know, painting their nails and doing their hair. Hermione liked the purple, she thought it suited Ginny. But, it was gone within that week. Hermione taught us how to bake biscuits. I thought it was a bit girly, you know…"
"You taught Hermione how to bake biscuits, you liar."
Harry's face goes red. "Well, that may be…"
"That is what happened. Listen, I won't interrupt you anymore if you stop telling lies."
"Fine. I taught Hermione how to bake biscuits. I had learned because Dudley always wanted biscuits. We made chocolate chip biscuits for Mrs. Weasley to say thank you for having us, but Hermione burnt them. She put the oven on 500 degrees instead of 350. The kitchen smelled like smoke for the next two days. Well, finally, September first came around and we…"
"Wait."
"What now?"
"Keep that for another story. You know, to keep them guessing." I say, but seriously it was because I was near falling asleep.
"That's a good idea, Mercury."
"I know."
"Well, thank you for coming. How long do you think it'll take to write?"
"I dunno, it'll be done by tomorrow I expect."
"Jolly good. I trust you'll edit it properly, no putting it all those extra facts. They aren't relevant really."
"No problem. I'll do your summer justice."
"Excellent. I will see you again in a week or so to get started on the next story, shall I?"
"You shall, if you want to. Well, I don't want to keep you waiting. I've got to go have dinner now. See you later."
And that is what happened. As you can see, his summer was horribly dull. I hope you found this far more interesting, because I'm not wasting my energy to write what he wants me to. I don't imagine he'll be too happy with this, but that is his problem. I'm off to talk to Severus Snape about writing a story about him now. Toodles.
Mother Mercury