Cold Feet.
I rub my clammy hands on the arms of my plush red chair for the fifteenth time already. Being left alone wasn't the best of ideas, I am freaking myself out over here. The past few weeks felt like a blur, I barely had a moment to myself, always being around people or just Christian, I rarely had a moment to myself to just think everything through. And now that I have it, I am working myself into quite a panic. I realise that today isn't the best day to be bringing all of this up, but my mind seems to have its own agenda. I am sitting in one of the guest rooms at the Grey's Home, on my wedding day, wearing only my underwear, and all I can do is stare at myself in the huge vanity mirror in front of me.
Married at twenty one, to a multi-billionaire who has multiple major issues, one of which being that he likes to beat up and fuck women who look like the birth mother that abandoned him. What am I thinking? Elbows on the dresser, I drop my head in my hands. I've only known Christian for… three months? And even they felt like such a blur, I'm not sure it all happened. How can I be getting married when I've known him for basically the length of a sneeze?
An unsettling feeling begins to well inside of me. I feel my heart pounding as if attempting to exit my chest. What about all that baggage he comes with? Am I strong enough to handle all of that? Christian's told me time and time again that he is over all of the canning and whipping and sadistic ways, but it has only been three months. What if in a year or two, it all comes back to him, and he finds that he needs it again? What will happen to us if this happens down the line and I'm still not willing to comply? What if he becomes bored with me? My breaths are coming in short succession, I have got to calm myself down.
I will myself to take a deep breath in, then let it out. I repeat the process a couple of times, they are shaky breaths, but it's a start none the less. I must think of the positive. I place my hands on the dresser and push against it, so that my chair glides backwards and I stand and begin pacing around the room to clear my head.
Laid beautifully across the bed is my wedding dress, it is truly breath-taking. I allow my fingers to roam along the delicate soft fabric, enjoying the feel of it against my fingertips. Mrs Kavanagh has truly outdone herself, this dress is precious and makes me feel like the single most beautiful woman on earth. Beside the gorgeous gown is the simple black velvet box that contains the two heavy silver hair combs, which will hold up my veil.
The beautiful diamond incrusted combs are Grace's, it is my something borrowed. I remember, clear as day, everything about the moment she offered them to me.
It was the first day I got to try on my wedding gown. I was standing, staring in awe at myself in the mirror, and everyone was all oohs and aahs. Having asked the girls for a private moment, Grace came up beside me. With a beautiful smile on her face and tears in her eyes, she offered me the square velvet box.
"Something borrowed," she explained in a hushed tone. And I popped open the box to find the most delicate, most beautiful hair combs resting on the bed of silk. I was speechless.
"Grace… I." Truly speechless. I had no words at all.
"It's the one I wore for my wedding, and I swore to myself that day that I will pass it on to my children, and start a new tradition."
"What about Mia?" Was the first thing I said to her.
"Hey, I said that it was your something borrowed!" She joked amidst her tears, and I chuckled with her. "It is my goal that when all of my children get married, the bride will wear this. I just never in a million years could have guessed that Christian would be the first to marry…" Her voice trailed off as she gazed into nothing, contemplating for a moment. "To think about all the years I was worrying about him not finding anyone and being lonely, turns out he was just waiting for the right person to come along." She smiles at me. I had yet to find my tongue through the muddle of emotions that were overtaking me. "I am so grateful to you Ana, you will never just how much I am thankful that you came into Christian's life, although I will tell you every chance I get, darling girl. You are the best thing that's happened to him," her voice caught and the last sentence. Tears threatened to fall anew for both her and me.
"Grace, I was the lucky one. I didn't do anything..." She shook her head before I had finished my sentence.
"You have done so much for him, dear. Because during all those years of psychotherapists, Christian never once came out of his shell. All the years, I tried to get him to open up to me…" She goes on with a tone of sadness. "You've only had a couple of months with him and look at the huge difference you've made. He's a different man, and all for the better. He is happier, more carefree... Heck I shouldn't be telling you, you probably know him better than any of us." That last sentence stung a little.
"Grace, you've been a wonderful mother to Christian, you saved him. He has told me so himself. Never doubt that." I say to her earnestly. Her eyes shine with happiness hearing my words. She rubs my arm kindly.
"Thank you, dear. But now, it is your turn to look after my boy. He needs a woman's touch, his woman. He needs you now."
That's it.
That is all that I need to know.
Christian needs me, and I need him.
I love him.
The length of time that we've know each other shouldn't matter, it is how much we feel for each other that is the number that counts. And that number happens to be close to infinity. We've achieved so much in so little time, the future can only hold more milestones to be reached, more obstacle to be overcome.
It is true that we've only known each other for a few months, but I just can't imagine me ever being without him. I think back to that awful week when we were apart and how everything lost all appeal to me, I didn't want to go out, or talk to anybody, even eating seemed like too much. Everything in life seemed mundane and with no purpose. The only other time I've felt this way wasn't so long ago, on the night of Christian's birthday, when he went missing in Charlie Tango. Those dreadful hours brought with them all of the terrors of having to live without him, and I knew then, as I know now, that it simply cannot be done.
Christian is my world, he is the better part of myself, the only man I've ever trusted my heart with, the only man I ever want to be with, the only happiness I will ever need. The truth of that statement rings loudly in my heart, as loud as church bells on Christmas Day. It isn't a mistake. Everything that will happen today will only open more doors to an extraordinary life with the man I love, I do not doubt this for a second.
I am giddy with the confidence in my epiphany, my smile must be up to my ears right now, like the Cheshire Cat. Excitement supersedes my earlier panic as it bubbles inside me, charging me from the tip of my toes to the top of my head. I am still walking around in my underwear, I should probably get dressed, or I should at least change into the undergarments I plan on wearing for tonight… I am just too excited! Gah! I can't wait to finally see Christian at the altar. I miss him.
So as to follow tradition, Christian and I haven't seen each other since yesterday after lunch. All of the Greys were chiding us for our childish behaviour yesterday. Christian and I were both averse to whole situation, and practically pouting like sulky teenagers when came the time to separate us. We spend the night apart too, which worried me a little. I just hope that Christian didn't have any nightmares last night…
The door swishes open suddenly, disturbing me from my thoughts, to reveal none other than Christian Grey, my future husband. Wow, he is only wearing crisp white shirt, top four button yet to be done, and khaki shorts. He was probably in the middle of getting dressed, I muse to myself, taking in his perfect physique. My eyes travel up to his, and that is when I see the traces of panic still lurking at the edges of his burning grey eyes, he is taking me in as well.
I inhale sharply, returning to the here and now. He isn't supposed to see me! Why is he here? This can't be good. I feel my heart pick up the pace, restarting the race it abandoned a while ago. I want to question him, but he beats me to it.
"I know I'm breaking tradition, but I just had to see you." He breathes the sentence out, assessing me from head to toe appreciatively. I breathe a small sigh of relief, but it isn't long lived, as his next sentence knocks all the wind out of me. "I woke up this morning, and I don't remember ever being as terrified as I was. My feet were just down right icy cold." I exhale sharply as panic begins to set in. Oh no.
Seeing my reaction, Christian quickly goes on. "No, Ana wait. Just hear me out okay?" What? Okay, but I'm not sure I like where this is going. "Throughout the day today, I've come to the realisation that I don't have to marry you." I really don't like where this is going. I begin to feel lightheaded, my heart is beating so fast, I'm not sure I can keep up. What's he saying? Has he changed his mind? Doesn't he want me anymore? Oh no. I think I'm going to be sick. My mind is working at a thousand miles an hour, so fast that I nearly miss the next sentence that comes out of his mouth. "I don't need to marry you because I am already bound to you for eternity, Ana." Huh? I blink my eyes and focus on his words once more, daring to hope. He doesn't miss a beat and goes on, "And there is nothing on this planet that could make my love for you any stronger. Not this ceremony we're having today, not some piece of paper, not a blessing by a holy man… I don't need any of that." I breathe a sigh of relief and tears well up in my eyes. He walks towards me, taking my hand in his and entwining our fingers together.
"Nothing is going to make me love your beautiful smile any more than I already do, or your gentle and loving nature, or the feistiness that you have…" He trails off. Stepping back, he appraises me once more, "And nothing is ever going to convince me that you, right here, standing in your underwear isn't the sexiest, most beautiful thing in the world." I am taking all of this in, but can't seem to find anything to respond with, not words or gestures, nothing. I am glued to the spot enthralled by what he has to say.
"That being said, I don't need to marry you… I want to marry you. I want it with all of the cells in my body. I want to stand with you in front of our family and friends to show them just how much I belong to you and you alone." I have yet to say a word but still can't find any. Christian tugs me closer to him so that our bodies are flush against one another, his palm cupping my face and I lean willingly into his gentle touch. "Ana… I just want you to know that the man you are marrying today has no doubts at all, about the sincerity of the depth of his love for you."
I blink my eyes and let the tears of joy flow freely down my cheeks, "Oh Ana. My Ana… I love you baby." He whispers before taking my lips with his. His kiss is soft, giving and yet very intense, my lips mould around his willingly as I grant his tongue access. My breathing picks up once again, but this time for a different reason, a much happier reason. One of his hands sensually travel down my back to cup my behind firmly, while his other gets lost in my hair keeping our faces as close as they can be. The passion of this kiss is downright indecent, should anyone walk in on us, they would be mortified, I'm too absorbed to give it a second thought though. He moans in my mouth and my senses are going wild, consumed by the sound, feel, the smell and taste of him, all one hundred percent Christian, this heady feeling takes over everything in my mind. I don't think he's ever kissed me like this before.
When we both pull away, trying to catch our breaths, Christian says. "Because I know I'm not going to be able to kiss you like that at the altar."
My words finally come back to me. "You… Idiot! You scared the crap out of me Christian!" I reprimand him, but continue in the same breath, "I love you so much." I am rewarded with a soft peck on my lips, and I can feel the smile on his face.
"I'm sorry baby, I was going crazy in there. I just needed to see you."
" I missed you so much last night too Christian. But isn't this going to mess up the good omen?" I ask him grinning. I don't really take any of that stuff seriously.
He scoffs a laugh and responds, "I don't believe in that shit. I know I am meant to be with you. Nothing will ever change that."
"Me too." I grin.
"Fuck the paperwork," he whispers. And I grin even wider.