A crack story I wrote when I was REALLY bored. Might be seen as crude by some. But I find it pretty funny. There might be a sequel involving the zombie apocalypse.
Misaki and Usami's Amazing Adventures Chapter 1
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters in this story.
Misaki yawned as he worked on breakfast. He'd watched a movie last night while Usami was locked up in his room working on another novel. As luck would have it, the movie had been a horror movie. 'The Grudge' or something. Anyway, it had scared the shit out of him to say the least, though he would never admit it in fear of being seen as more of a pansy than he already was. He'd spent all night trying to get the image of that crazy ghost chick out of his mind, but to no avail.
'Damn it, it was just a stupid movie. Nothing like that could happen in real life,' Misaki whispered reassuringly, as a nervous laugh escaped his lips. He glanced at the clock and then down at the ingredients he held in his hands.
'Urrgh, I don't have time to make this now,' he said sheepishly, 'Looks like it'll have to be leftovers. (Sorry Usami -__-)'
As he turned to open the cupboard and put away the flour he caught a glimpse of someone in the reflection of the window. A pale, black-haired girl staring up at him, her mouth open slightly. His eyes widened and his heart leapt in his chest as Misaki spun around apprehensively. He let out a shriek as he came face to face with…Usami?
'What the hell are you doing so close to me, you pervert?' Misaki cried angrily, taking out his embarrassment at being scared over nothing out on the older man.
'Misaki, you scream like a sissy,' Usami said, scratching the back of his head as he tried to shrug off the last bits of sleepiness.
'Shut up! I don't need to here that from a grown-man who spends his time collecting teddy bears!' Misaki growled back. Usami put his hands around Misaki's waist and said huskily, 'Come now, you know that's not what I spent ALL my time doing.' Misaki blushed and somehow got himself out of Usami's grasp.
'What's that supposed to mean you pervert!?'
He looked at the clock and nearlly choked on his own spit (Usami: O__o that's pretty special…).
'Oh my god, I am so going to be late!' the smaller boy cried, grabbing his bag and clumsily sliding into his boots and jacket. He turned to Usami as he opened the door.
'Sorry I didn't have time to make breakfast! You're going to have to make your own food until suppertime!' he said and he ran out the door. Usami stared after him as the door slammed shut.
'Make…food…? What does that mean?' Usami wondered aloud. Yes, even though he is a writer, it seems Usami does not understand the meaning of those words. It seems his laziness when it comes to housework has affected his mind in ways more severe than was imaginable. And so, he came to the conclusion that Misaki wanted him to starve for the day and spent the rest of it plotting his revenge. Oh yes, Usami would do 'things' to Misaki tonight, things that would make Misaki grovel at his feet and promise to never again say those mysterious words…'make your own food.' Usagi's villainess laugh could be heard throughout the rest of the building.
Misaki ran into class. He'd made it just on time. The teacher hadn't even arrived yet.
'Phew, that was close,' Misaki said, flopping into his seat next to his friend…what's his name again? Oh well, for now he will be called Glasses Guy. As soon as Misaki sat down, Glasses Guy moved closer to him.
'Wow, you look like shit. I bet you and Usami-sensei stayed up all night doing 'you-know-what', huh?' he said, a sly smile splaying itself across his face.
'No way in Hell!!!!' Misaki yelled, making the people in his class, who already thought he was weird, stare at him. Damn it, he's always making things worse for himself, isn't he? Misaki decided to ignore them and turned back to Glasses Guy.
'For your information, I couldn't sleep because of a horror movie I watched last night,' he said, trying to sound dignified and failing miserably.
'You should have gone to see Usami-sensei. He would've cheered you up, I'm sure?' Glasses Guy responded, his smile widening.
'Since when does rape make anyone happy?' Misaki said, even though he knew it was no longer rape since he never objected to sex with Usami these days. Though it wasn't like he'd ever said 'yes' either, he reminded himself. To Glasses Guy he said, 'And does a sentence ever come out of your mouth that doesn't have to do with Usami? I know you like him, but I don't want you on my stalker radar.'
'Don't you mean Usami-san's stalker radar? I'm not stalking you, after all,' Glasses guy answered. Misaki stared at him.
'I don't know, sometimes it seems like you're a little too interested in me…' Misaki's eyes widened as he looked at the desk above Glasses Guy. The same girl he had seen in the movie and this morning was sitting behind him, looking down at Misaki with those huge, crazed eyes of hers.
'What's wrong?' Glasses Guy asked staring at Misaki, a 'WTF' look on his face.
'B…behind…you…t-there's a…a…'
'Penis?' Glasses Guy asked, 'Usami-sensei's maybe?' he added unhelpfully. Misaki blinked and the girl was gone, but more importantly…
'Are you stupid!? And can you stop saying Usami's name in every damn sentence that comes out of your mouth!!!' Misaki cried out in frustration.
'Oops, my bad. I thought your gay hormones were getting the better of you. No sex + no sleep = erotic hallucinations, after all,' Glasses Guy said smoothly. Misaki narrowed his eyes at him. He really needed to look into getting new friends…
'I'm home!' Misaki said as he walked into the apartment. When he got no response he walked into the living room and glanced up the stairs. Not seeing any lights on he looked around the room and saw Usami laying on the couch.
'Misakiiiii…why did you leave me to starve? Even after you said you loved me that one time…' Usami asked, his voice hoarse, 'I'm so hungryyyyyyyy…'
'I didn't leave you to starve! It's not my fault you're too sheltered and spoiled to be able to fend for yourself! (Then again, maybe it is…__)' Misaki cried in exasperation as he opened the fridge.
'Besides, if you'd BOTHERED to look in the fridge you would have seen the piles of microwavable leftovers,' he added pointing at the inside of the fridge, which was overflowing with containers. Misaki sighed when Usami did nothing but moan in response and grabbed a few of them. He placed them in the microwave and went to hang his coat in the front entrance.
'Make your way to the table,' Misaki said as he walked past Usami, 'Supper will be ready in a minute.' Usami dragged himself to the table and sank into the chair. Misaki placed a large plate of food in front of him a few minutes later and he dug in instantly, eating so clumsily and quick Misaki was surprised. I guess he really was hungry, Misaki thought, feeling a little bad. It was his fault for getting distracted that morning.
'I'm sorry, Usami,' he said reluctantly. Usami, who had already inhaled his food, pulled Misaki in for a kiss. Misaki pulled away and whipped his mouth.
'Why you…!!' he spluttered, blushing, 'What was that?'
'Me telling you that you are forgiven,' Usami said simply.
'Seems more like a punishment to me…' the other man grumbled under his breath. A loud 'thump' came from somewhere behind them.
'What was that?' Misaki asked, turning towards the staircase.
'I don't know,' Usami answered, his eyes landing on the staircase as well. A girl was clawing her way down the stairs, her legs hanging uselessly behind her as a gurgling sound escaped from her throat. Misaki stumbled backwards and was caught by Usami.
'I-it's her, the girl from that movie!' he cried.
'What movie?' Usami asked. Misaki shook his head and tried to concentrate as his mind numbed over with fear.
'Yesterday night I watched this stupid horror movie on TV and since I woke up today I've been seeing the girl from it everywhere I go. It's her,' he said pointing a trembling hand at the ever approaching gurgling girl. Usami stared at the girl, his eyebrows drawn in concentration. She'd already crossed half the distance to them and Misaki was beginning to lose his cool.
'U-usami? We should probably make a run for it,' he said through clenched teeth. Usami snapped his fingers then.
'I've got it,' he said and looked at Misaki, 'Wait here, I know what the ultimate weapon against this kind of thing is. I'll be back in a second.' Usami ran passed the girl who reached out for his leg. Luckily she was too slow and he was able to run up the stairs and disappear into his study. But that also meant Misaki was left alone with the thing he feared most after Usami.
'Oh my god, what am I going to do now! I don't even have Usami to throw at her so I can escape! This is bad, this is really, REALLY bad,' he said backing away as she inched closer to him. She was right in front of him now, merely inches away.
'I am so dead,' Misaki thought as he felt her grab hold of his foot.
'Hey, dead girl, look over here!' Usami yelled from behind them. The girl turned towards him and he threw something at her. She stared at it for a moment them grabbed it greedily. Usami walked past the girl and helped Misaki up.
'What did you give her?' he asked, totally astounded
'A girl's one and only weakness, one of my Boy's Love novels,' Usami said, shrugging
'WHAAAT?' Misaki cried, staring at the swooning girl, 'Oh dear Lord, you have got to be kidding me…too bad nobody thought of that in the movie.'
R&R if you want. I want to know what people think of my crack fic...heh.