This is crack. Or is it?
Iron Babies
"Ten-thousand hours of community service?" Thor balks, as he hears the news. "That is a lot of hours."
Clint rolls his eyes. As far as he's concerned, Loki is lucky not to find himself behind bars…permanently. The guy helped them out, sure. But that doesn't mean he's not still dangerous. He wouldn't mind seeing Loki in an orange jumpsuit, picking up trash on the highway.
"Aren't you guys supposed to be immortal or something?" he asks. "I'm sure the time will just fly by."
"We're not immortal," Thor corrects. "Though it might appear so to a beings such as yourself."
"He seemed to think it was a gracious offer," Tony interjects. "That's what he told the judge anyway."
"Did he?" Thor queries, skeptically. "What sort of service does such a sentence imply?"
"They usually let you pick what you want to do. The possibilities are practically unlimited. It could be anything from manual labor to...coaching a children's basketball team."
"Basketball?" Thor pries. "I know not what that is."
Tony holds up his hands to simulate dribbling and shooting motions.
"It's a sport. Two teams run up and down a court, passing a ball around, throwing it into a basket. Hence the clever name."
Thor regards the other man's gestures, strangely.
"I…cannot picture my brother doing that, least of all with children."
"I know what Loki's doing," Nat announces, smugly.
Thor turns to her.
"You do? How?"
"I followed him, this morning."
"Followed him to where?" Thor prompts.
"To New York Presbyterian."
"What the hell is he doing at a hospital?" Tony wonders, aloud. "God, let's hope it's not brain surgery."
She smiles.
"Let's just say it's not manual labor or coaching children's basketball."
Now Clint is curious. And frankly surprised that Nat would hold out on him. Especially with something as juicy as this. Shame on her.
"If you know, you should tell us," he presses. "It could be an issue of national security."
"Candy striper?" Tony inquires. "Ooh, you know what? I bet he'd rock one of those outfits. Do they still wear the knee socks and the little hats?"
She shakes her head.
"He's not a candy striper...and it's not an issue of national security. At least, I don't think it is."
Clint frowns, as he pictures it.
"What is he like...reading stories to sick children or something? Making balloon animals?"
"Give it up," Nat insists. "You guys are never going to guess."
"I beg to differ," Tony says, stroking his chin. "F.R.I.D.A.Y., give me a complete list of all the current volunteer opportunities at New York Presbyterian."
"Now, that's just cheating," Clint declares.
The voice that responds seems to be coming from all around them.
"Good afternoon, boss," F.R.I.D.A.Y. chirps. "List compiled. Would you like me to read it to you?"
"No," Tony replies. "Just put it up here."
He activates a large, holographic screen. When text appears on it, he scrolls through it with his finger.
"F.R.I.D.A.Y., filter the list to exclude anything that requires medical training or specific vocational experience."
"Filtering list," she complies, cheerfully.
"Well, that certainly narrows it down," Tony muses. "Somehow I don't see Loki as a welcome ambassador or a greeter. But that only leaves one other thing."
"What is it?" Thor asks.
"Cuddle babies undergoing treatment in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit," Tony reads, incredulously. He turns to face Nat. "Seriously?"
Her smile quickly evolves into full blown laughter.
"I told you you'd never guess."
"Oh, that's bullshit," Clint growls. "We're all following him tomorrow. Cap, everyone...the whole team. We need to put a stop to this, now."
"Did he see you?" Thor asks Nat. "When you followed him this morning."
She appears almost insulted.
"Are you kidding? I was in stealth mode."
"So," Thor surmises, "it's possible that he doesn't know that you're aware of what he's doing at this uh...hospital."
"No," she asserts. "I told you...stealth mode."
Thor sighs, and ponders it a moment.
"Let's just...leave it alone."
"Leave it alone," Clint repeats. "You're totally fine with this? You're not worried that Loki's going to...eat somebody's children?"
"My brother does not eat children," Thor retorts, sounding disgusted. "If he's chosen this particular task, he probably has a reason. I won't pretend to know what it is. But perhaps we should just leave him to it."
"Oh yeah?" Clint counters. "And what if that reason is, he wants to kidnap a bunch of babies and make them into an army?"
"A baby army," Tony infers. "That's actually not a bad idea. I could make a baby army with tiny, little suits. I could call them iron babies."
Thor continues interrogating Nat.
"What was Loki doing there...when you followed him? Was he doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing?"
"No," she replies, her disappointment apparent. "He was just cuddling babies."
"Well, he's clearly a threat to this realm," Thor concludes, facetiously.
"The big guy's right," Tony says, clapping his hands together. "We need to get on this right away. It's starts with babies, sure. But what if it spreads? Next week Loki could be cuddling random strangers on the subway. Or animals."
"He's going to cuddle you next, Clint," Nat taunts. "You better watch out."
"Our kittens are in danger!" Tony proclaims, loudly.
"Kittens?" Thor echoes, with confusion.
"You know," Clint states, with no small degree of irritation, "you'd think I'd be comforted by the fact that I'm the sanest person in this room right now...but I'm not."