Forgive me
This man had gone by many names in his life, Jean Valjean, 24601, Pere Madeleine, Monsieur La Maire, but now there was only one name that meant the world to him. "Papa". To his little Cosette he was only Papa, and though they had only been together mere weeks he felt as if he had always been her papa.
Valjean had found being Cosettes father to be an utter joy. To pick her up, to kiss her, to help her wash and dress, prepare food for her, to hold her hand as they walked together and to put her to bed at night, it was all bliss to Valjean. Every moment he spent with his little one was like another burden being lifted from his tortured soul.
A promise was all it was supposed to be, a promise to Fantine that he would fetch her little girl that's all, he hadn't expected to love her child, but he loved her like she was his own.
Cosette was adjusting well to her new life too, though it would take her a long time to recover from her past life. She was frightfully thin and dirty when Valjean first got her, and covered in visible evidence of her abuse. She was healing well on the outside at least, her bruises and the welts from being whipped with a belt had almost faded away, but on the inside she was going to take longer to heal. She had become a happy little girl now due to her new papa, but there were still several nights in those first weeks when she would wake up from a nightmare. She would call for papa in tears and wouldn't be able to settle again until Valjean was with her. Eventually he placed a chair next to her bed in case she needed him, just so he could stay with her all night.
As he coddled her one night he spoke softly to her as she sniffled through her tears "You've been very brave for so long little one" he said, laying her back down onto her pillow. "But you're safe now, there's no need to be scared anymore".
Cosette simply nodded that night and held tighter onto her doll, burying her face into her pillow. It wasn't that she didn't believe him; she had just been through a lot of pain in her short life. She couldn't find the words to tell her papa how she had suffered so the nightmares continued to haunt her. Occasionally Valjean would hear her mumble words like "stop" and "it hurts" in her sleep and it not only broke his heart but it disturbed him too, only God knew what filthy things had been done to her in that awful inn, the poor child.
He didn't want her to suffer but he couldn't heal her pain, it was easier during the day, he could keep her mind free from the dark memories, but at night he couldn't help. He could only care for her, love her and reassure her that she was safe now.
It was almost a miracle the first night she slept through the night. Valjean had kissed Cosette goodnight and put her to bed and that was it, there were no nightmares that night and no tears, she just slept soundly and peacefully and when she woke the next morning she was a happy joyful child, free of her darkest dreams at last.
And so on the next night Valjean hoped for the same as he put her to bed. She had said her prayers and had let papa tuck her in and kiss her goodnight before she fell asleep in good time. Even so, Valjean still couldn't resist checking on her before he went to his own bed. He liked to watch her at peace, she was such a beautiful little thing and so tender and angelic in the candlelight.
"My Cosette" he whispered as he gazed at her, she had one arm wrapped around Catherine on top of her covers, which concerned him all of a sudden as it was a cold night and he wanted her to be warm under her blankets.
He reached for her and as he tucked the blankets back around them both he carelessly grazed Cosettes arm with his hand and he felt her flinch, suddenly waking with a cry.
"No!" she yelled, quickly covering her face with her hands, forgetting where she was for a moment. Valjean froze, startled as much as she was by her outburst and cursing himself for scaring her.
"Papa?" Cosette gasped, blinking into wakefulness again
"Forgive me little one, I didn't mean to frighten you" Valjean said, "Go back to sleep". He tucked the blankets back around her, "Here, keep warm". He paused for a moment as we watched her still trying to catch her breath. He really hadn't meant to scare her, that was the last thing he ever wanted to do to her. He didn't know what to say to her next so he awkwardly reached for the candle that was still lit next to her bed.
"Please don't put the light out" Cosette said in a tiny voice, which made Valjeans heart break a little.
"I won't" he said "I'll make sure it stays lit" He sat himself down next to her bed and smiled warmly at her. "Go back to sleep".
"You'll stay?" she asked
"All night" He told her
Cosette sighed in relief, closing her eyes again and tightening her grip on Catherine. She was silent for several moments and Valjean was sure she was sleeping again until she opened her eyes once more.
"Papa?" she asked, looking up at him with sad eyes
"What is it little one?" Valjean replied
"I can't remember my maman anymore" she said, beginning to cry
Valjean moved to sit at the edge of her bed, "Oh Cosette…" he said, reaching for her "Come here"
Cosette climbed into his arms and buried her face into his chest, crying quietly against him as Valjean stroked her hair and her back softly. "Sssh little one" he whispered to her.
He still felt immensely guilty about what happened to Fantine, if he had intervened in her life sooner perhaps he could have saved her, or at least given her a little time with her child before she died.
"They said she abandoned me" Cosette told him through her tears. It filled Valjean with such rage to hear that, not towards Cosette of course, but towards those cruel bastards in Montfermeil who had told her such lies.
"Look at me Cosette" Valjean said, pulling her away and making her look at him. He wiped the tears from her eyes with his sleeve and placed a hand under her chin.
"Those people," he began, "They were liars. Your mother didn't abandon you".
"She never came back for me" Cosette said through sniffles
"No, she didn't, but….Lord how do I explain this to you?" He was at a loss for words, how could he make this child understand everything that had happened.
"I can't tell you why those people were so cruel, or why they lied to you" He told her "But I know your mother loved you so much. She tried so hard to get back to you; you were all she talked about before she died Cosette. You were the only thing that mattered and I so wanted to bring you to her, but it was just too late. I know she didn't abandon you little one. Please believe that".
Cosette nodded sadly in response, not letting him know if she believed him or not. She wiped her eyes free of tears again and Valjean could see how tired the poor little girl was.
"Now it's very late Cosette, and you need to sleep". Valjean said
"Yes Papa" she said quietly, lying back down again and letting her papa tuck her in once more
"Here's Catherine" Valjean said, wrapping Cosettes arm around her doll which made her smile ever so slightly.
"Remember, your maman loved you, and now papa loves you" he said, kissing her on the forehead as she closed her eyes. She had tired herself out from all the crying and was back to sleep again in mere moments.
Once Valjean was sure the child was asleep again he knelt down next to her bed and began to pray. He prayed for Fantines soul and that she would forgive him for the harm he caused her, he prayed that Cosette could heal from all the suffering she had been through, and he prayed that he could be a good father to her and that he could keep her safe and loved from now on.
"Forgive me little one" he whispered once again. There were many things he couldn't tell her, things about her mother, but also about himself. He couldn't bear to have her hate him because of the things he had done and so he begged for her forgiveness as well as God's forgiveness.
When he was finished he sat back down on the chair next to Cosettes bed and that's where he stayed all night just so she would feel safe. Even if she didn't know it he would be there for her, because he was her papa now and that was all that mattered to him.