Hey all..... this is not my usual fic... well, Matt dies and Tai is sad and dealing with emotions, so it kind of is. It's a bit.....um.....weird, I guess...... I'm not sure how to describe it, so read it for yourself. Matt is dying and Tai goes to see him. Not fluffy, or happy.... actually, it's pretty sad..... or maybe kinda cold. I don't know..... I felt like I had to write this. Warnings of death and a bit of taito...... but not really. I was depressed when writing this.....thinking that love and life sucked, and it shows. This is for Kenzie because you wouldn't change it (although you could have and should have)...... thanks......I hope sleeping downstairs while your brother downloads porn isn't getting to you to much. ; )
Closure
By Six
Illness comes so suddenly, creeping up behind you and sharply slapping you on the face as you stand there and take it. Kicking you in your sleep and pulling you apart while you silently scream in agony. Clawing at your eyes, tearing at your face, but you can do nothing. Bruising you both physically and mentally, not giving a damn what it's doing or what it's going to do. Pulling you into it's strong, vice-like grip and not releasing you until you beg and plead and die. Guts, heart, blood, all gushing out in.......ok, now I sound like some campy horror film. But that's how I feel, sitting here in a hard plastic waiting room chair. I'm waiting, what else do you do in a waiting room? Waiting for an answer, waiting for help, waiting for someone to shoot me. Who knows? Who cares?
Does it matter? Do I? Does anything matter? Why bother? Why ask why? I take a deep, calming breath hoping that it....well.....calms me. I feel that air slowly pulling into my lungs, cooling, calming, relaxing, giving life back to the blood that so badly needs it. I feel as best as I can feel, considering that someone so dear to me is in the hospital. And not just in the hospital, he's in critical condition. From a chronic illness. That he never told me about. Doctors keep telling me he's going to make it. His mom and friends are telling me he's going to make it. Their eyes tell me he's not going to.
I feel like I'm going to cry. I'm going to fall down and die. Look, it rhymes..... isn't that special. Damn it! This sucks. Life sucks. Everything sucks. I pull my hands through my thick, dark hair, gripping it as tightly as I can while staring down at my lap. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what I can do. I feel so strongly about him, but what does he think about me? Does he like me, too? Will I ever find out? Can I? I want to..... although I don't want to. What if he rejects me. With his last breathe he laughs a cruel heartless laugh? That would make the whole sucky mess even suckier. Can you tell I like the word suck, because I do. SUCK SUCK SUCK!
All sorts of beeps and screams from machines are sounding from his room as everyone in the room looks towards it. I hate hospitals. They're so white and clean, but no one feels like that in a hospital. The walls should be gray..... the floor should be gravely and dark. It would be fitting. Several doctors and nurses run into the room. All the noise stops....all the world stops. A nurse walks out of the room, a grim look in her eyes as she walks over to his mom and briefly speaks to her (his dad was too busy at work to even come see his son die.....what a bastard). A few seconds later she bursts into tears, her body shaking with huge sobs. At first I don't know what to do, and I can see his younger brother doesn't know either, so I get up and embrace her in a hug, trying to comfort her, tell her everything is going to be ok, although I know it isn't.
"Th-they've told me he's only got a couple of minutes. They took all the machines off of him. You can go and see him after Takeru and I do," she cried, her voice and body shaking uncontrolably. I see his brother, his life-bond, his purpose in life looking up at me with fearful, deadened eyes as the they walk into the room. I can still hear his mom crying, her sobs ripping at me, making me more miserable than I already am. It's getting unbearable....all of this, all of life. Finally, the pair comes out of the room, crying harder than before and I know that's my cue to go in.
I get up, my legs shaking slightly, and make my way towards the room. It's like walking down death row, straight to the electric chair. I'm scared, but I think about how scared he must be. The doorway looms in front of me, daring me to enter. I always take a dare.
There he is. Lying down on a white bed, with white sheets and a white pillow. He's even pretty white. Obviosuly paled from his long, hard illness. I can see little spots on his arms where various tubes had been hooked up. The environment in here is all together frightening, everything about it. He looks at me, his eyes gone glassy, and my world flips over, spilling my out into the vast expanses of space, never again to be seen by the earth. His voice quickly draws me back to the white room.
"Taichi?"
"Uh, yeah Yamato?"
"I was just seeing if that was you." He sounds....sad. Forlorn. I can't tell. He is so weak and I'm so scared. Does he know he is going to die? Does he know I know he is going to die? Glistening tears begin to fall from my eyes as I gaze at his sickly face. He starts crying in response. I walk over to his bed and give him a small, friendly hug, letting him know that I'm here for him. That I care. I have the need to tell him that I care, the feeling is pulling at my ribcage, ripping it open and displaying my fragile heart. Finally my mouth opens and the words spill out and I almost immediatly regret them. I don't even know if I mean them. Actually I do. But maybe I don't. I don't know. I don't care. I need to know what he's going to say.
"You, you know I love you, Yamato, right?" I ask, tears streaming from my deep eyes and down my face as I openly weep. I don't care. It's the last time I'm going to be able to see his beautiful, blue eyes. His face as it is now. And it breaks my heart. It breaks my mind. It just breaks me down. I don't know what to do. His eyes are shocked, as they so clearly show. Then they close for the last time as he softly murmurs, "Taichi." as if all the answers lie in that one word. It doesn't make sense! Where is the "I love you, too" or the "I know" or even "get away freak"? What does that mean? Does he know? Does he care? Does he reject me? Does he reject himself? I'm hurt. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm happy. I care! It matters! I love! I weep! It's over. I'm over. People in white coats stream into the room, I realize that I've screamed and attracted their attention. They rush to Matt, trying to resserect his cold, dead body. It's no use. He's dead. What kind of closure is this?
Ok.....um.... I don't know when this idea came to me. It just kind of did. Basically the whole thing was based on someone telling someone else they loved them and then person number 2 closing their eyes and dying and person number 1 asking what kind of closure it was and that was the end. I didn't want it to end happy.... I didn't want the happy embrace scene......I'm not sure if I wanted this, though. I tried to capture what a person would feel when they were so frantic and distressed about someone they loved dying. So.....I hope you liked it, tell me what you think......tell me you liked it.......tell me you hated it........tell me I'm pretty and witty and wise......hehehe....... I'm ok, really......well, not really, but whatever.