Only One
Summary: Alex realizes that he can't live with Izzie
Pacing back and forth outside her room, the pain etched on her face breaks my heart. I would give anything at all to take away her pain. I need her to get better. To survive this. I need her here with me. I realize now that not only am I in love with Isobel Stevens—I cannot live without her.
Grimacing from the pain shooting through my heart—the thought of living without her breaks me in more ways than I can count. Yet I know that whatever pain I'm currently going through—she's going through worse. She tries to hide the pain. Someone that didn't know her as well—might believe her when she claimed it didn't hurt. I, however, can see right through that. I see the pain every time she has to stop and take a breath to keep the tears from falling.
"Alex—she's asking for you," Christina says. We all know she doesn't have much longer. Her condition down-graded so quickly. None of us were ready for it. I can tell that it's even hurting Christina, and she never really ever liked Izzie.
I take a deep breath, and force a smile on my face before I enter her room. My breath catches when I realize how much weight she's lost. How fraglie she looks, and my heart shatters. I want nothing more than to save her, but there isn't anything the best surgeons we have to offer can do—so what can I do? Besides love her with all my heart?
"You haven't—been--worrying--" she stops, her breath ragged from trying to heard to make herself sound healthier than she is. "Have-you?"
"Of course I have--" my voice catches, as a tear slips from my eye.
"I—know this—is hard--" I look up as she starts to cough severely.
I grab the cup of water beside her bed, and help her sip some of the water down.
"It is hard Iz. Losing you is breaking my heart. I love you so much—I can't see my life without you in it--" I sighed, as I nuzzle my head into the crook of her neck. I can feel her collarbone without even putting any pressure.
"You talk—like" she stops to sigh, I can feel the grimace on her face when she does. "I'm-already—dead."
Her words are like the last nail in the coffin of my heart. Now broken without a chance of repair. I let the tears fall from my eyes. I can only cry in front of her. She knows that I have this softer side to myself. In the past few months, the rest have seen glimpses of this side. Only Izzie truly knows about it though. Only she knows how deeply I love her. How deeply my heart is broken now.
"Please—Alex--promise me--" she cut off, it sounded almost like she was choking.
My head ripped up, trying to find some way to help her. My eyes found hers and I found the reason for the sound. Tears cascaded down her cheeks, the choking sound was a sob. I had made her cry. My crying—my breaking down, has hurt her.
"I'm so sorry Izzie," I cry some more. I find that's all I can do anymore. It's so not who I am, but the thought of losing Izzie—losing my only one person in my life--
She takes a few deep breaths, her hands holding each side of my face.
"Promise me—you will move—on," she forced the whole sentence out.
My eyes closed instantly as I softly shook my head. I couldn't promise this. I wouldn't. How could she ask me such a thing. Does this mean that she too, have given up hope?
"You have to fight," my voice was soft as I spoke. I couldn't give up on her—not yet.
"I haven't given—up Alex...I'm just—being—practical," and with that I realized that she didn't think she would survive this. Fight or no fight.
"Fight dammit," my voice was still soft, but the meaning was there.
"Five percent—that was my odds." she pausing, breathing for a minute before continuing. "Look at me."
"I am. I see you. You are still Isobel Stevens, and she's a fighter," I fought back against her words. I couldn't—I wouldn't let her give up just like that.
"That's why—I love you," she smiled at me.
I leaned forward, softly kissing her lips. As I pulled back from her, I crawled into her bed with her. Just like every other day. I wrapped my arms around her, careful to not hurt her, and waited as her breathing evened out.