Blurry

Demand for an expansion of 'What would happen' and 'full of grace' has been asked of me (well by jdcocoagirl and Meg-Breanne thanks for the reviews) this is set a few months after the pair finally released their real selves.

I was really losing her and my self right along with her.

Lyrics from 'Blurry' as sung by Puddle of Mudd

Everything's so blurry
And everyone's so fake
And everybody's empty
And everything is so messed up
Pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

The nights still haunted me, the ones where she couldn't come to help me be the real me… I could cope for those few hours keeping the animal at bay.

The darkness and the light still scared me, but soon the real me would be able to come out when she came to release the real her.

The emptiness of my pretence the feeling of being so fake to people who showed me nothing but love and friendship wore away at me every time I stepped into the lab. But with her, even though I was pretending I knew that we still could be real and it didn't make it so hard.

At least not until a few weeks ago… our unique relationship had been created in a moment when we were defenceless against the world… our real selves and the fear we both felt to be apart of the world that had broken us.

It had been nearly six months since that night and because we had been our real selves we didn't have to go through the routine that our pretences would have had to do and we were fine with that.

We had no special names for each other… no hidden meanings in our touches we just were, and we were fine with that.

But soon each time we came home leaving our shells behind we didn't always tumble and soon that would be ok because we would hold each other as the last pieces of our shells fell away.

I feared the fact that everything I needed to be real was so tightly wrapped around her but strangely enough the fear wasn't too grand that I stayed awake to keep the nightmares away.

You could be my someone
You could be my sea
You know that I'll protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
Imagine where you are
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far

I fell into slumber that evening allowing myself only a few hours sleep before I pulled the shell back together. I did it with out her and it was draining me, she never came and I didn't have the strength to call her.

As I drive to work I wonder just what she had done those hours away from the world we had created, was she just as stressed and drained as me.

I step in there, pulling the pretence up front… I was ok enough for them to believe that they could move on and not fear leaving me.

I won't search for her no matter how much the lust and fear yearn for her… the real her. But I still find her, its not the pretence but the real me that seeks her out… and it was growing stronger each day.

But even though I don't search for her I still find her, alone working away with her pretence intact and at full strength. Acting how I should I greet her and know that the real me was looking at her. A new fear engulfed me when I didn't see the real her looking back at me.

She was pretending for me as she greeted me and I almost broke then… I couldn't lose her not now, but as I turn away leaving her alone I feel the fear coursing through my veins pushing hard against the shell I wore while the real me howled for release.

I don't even see Grissom… knowing he was shooting me one of his looks to try and prove that I was still running away and using her to do so.

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
When ya shoved it in my face?
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
When ya shoved it in my face?

I work without much memory… only the fear and ideas that I was losing her… I was regaining the act and shell that she used here in this world of CSI's.

I try to seek her out throughout the shift trying to keep the shell together but without her it would crumble and the real me would face the world ready to be broken and used. I couldn't face that… she had taken that pain away from me each time we tumbled or not I couldn't lose that… I couldn't lose the real her.

Everyone is changing
There's no one left that's real
So make up your own ending
And let me know just how you feel
'Cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

I try to keep the real me at bay when I return home alone… she had taken her pretence home that evening. Agreeing to dinner with Catherine just to prove everything was ok but I hadn't kept mine, I left it.

As the hours slip away with no sign of her I call out… with the real me ripping it's way free from it's shell. But Catherine left her hours ago and had no idea where she was, my real self didn't care how much was shown to Catherine as I slammed the phone down.

Like the first time we meet I drove blindly across the roads, not trying to search for anything or anyone… the real me needed human contact and I would always need it.

But the real me had tasted something so real that the taste could never be removed it was demanded and I return home with my real self still howling at not finding it's contact.

I sleep with nightmares and I wake with difficulty of pulling the shell back together once more, knowing each day without her would break it more and more until nothing was left but the real me.

I was stumbling and there was no one to catch me.

You could be my someone
You could be my sea
You know that I will save you
From all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far

I find her pretending with so much ease that I wonder if she ever showed me the truth… if she simply pretended just to give me what I needed.

Catherine knew there was something different about me… no matter how much she tried to reach out the pretence wasn't strong enough to speak to her and the real me had no language with her.

She speaks to Grissom and he no longer looks at her as though trying to prove something… she was so good that she had fooled even him. I barely made it home when the real me tore it's way free from it's shell.

I slump back into the darkness trying to claw back but never finding a solid hold… not until I saw her… the real her.

The need for her was overwhelming but the fear out weighed it all as I reached her door, I may have lost something that night I nearly died but over the past six months with her I had found courage to protect the new me. The courage to fight for her no matter what.

"Nick" no longer whispered…I feared the pretence her voice held but her eyes… her tired eyes proved that the real her had been kept caged too long for her to keep up the act anymore.

I searched her face using our language to discover her need but this time I didn't feel the need to crash into her. I just felt the need to be with her… the need to rescue her from the cage she pulled around her everyday she walked into that other world.

Our kisses are slow, building the simmering fire until it erupts and consumes us as our gasps echo around her room. The darkness no longer lingers as our flames brings back the light, I told myself that when the morning came I would build the shell back up and help her build hers just like we had always done.

But for now I could hold her and know that the real me was safe once more… she would help me protect myself.

Oh, Nobody told me what you thought
Nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Told you where to run away
Nobody told you where to hide
Nobody told you what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Showed you where to run away

Grissom tried to show the pretence that what we had was wrong… what he thought I was doing using her to run away. I was using her… not to run away but to be protected, our shells had merged after that night.

We had been offered help to get us through the pain and hurt that broken our shells… they told us how to find the help but no one told us how to help ourselves… how to hide when the bad things came.

We had found that ourselves… with each other we found the place to be our selves and leave the bad world behind.

No, this pain you gave to me
Take it all away
Take it all away
Pain ya gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me

Her pretence had hurt me… I would have begged her to take it away there and then but I kept to our act. I had to… it was the only way.

But laying there holding her I could let her know that the pretence only hurt me when I knew the real her.

The fear comes back when I notice a change in her… the real her had changed somewhere along the way and I feared that the real me never would. I just about had enough courage to show her the real me… I didn't know if I had enough courage to change me again… I didn't know if I had the strength to make the shell bigger.

The new day comes and I play out our routine as I gather myself to pull the shell back, leaving her bed I gather my clothes hating the feeling that I would be someone else even though my real self demanded freedom even when she wasn't around.

She had help build the fire in me and it wouldn't go out now even when my shell was firmly back in place.

"Nick" she calls and I look at her knowing that I would find the pretence already back in place… the shell rebuilt. But I'm shocked to find the real her still there… looking at me with fear, lust and need… but something more… something that had combined all three.

"Don't go" two simple words but our unspoken language had already convinced me of the three words she wanted to say but feared to admit out loud.

I wished I was strong enough to say 'I love you too' but I wasn't, not then and there. But I was strong enough to nod and climb back in bed allowing the shell to stay broken along with hers.

I had been broken just like her but some how through it all we had mended ourselves… only using the old shells as a cast to keep our new selves safe and protected.

I don't know what this means… what will happen when we take our first steps into the lab without the shells to keep out the pain, the hurt and the blinding light.

But for her… I was willing to find out… I was willing to take those first steps. I was willing to take the pain just as long as she was there to make it all go away at the end.

I was willing…

The end.

Don't ask me what the heck happened here…. I got carried away and I love the song Blurry