A/n: I WROTE THIS ON A REQUEST! I SWEAR THIS ON MY MOTHER'S GRAVE EXCEPT SHE'S NOT DEAD YET. GIVE IT TIME.

On Filial Bonding

OF ALL THE PLACES ED HAD THOUGHT THIS INVESTIGATION MIGHT LEAD TO, HE HAD NEVER PARTICULARLY CONSIDERED A DAMASKED COUCH AT A RICH JAPANESE BOARDING SCHOOL. THEN AGAIN, HE ALSO HADN'T ANTICIPATED DISCUSSING THE POTENTIAL FAN FOLLOWING OF A HYPOTHETICAL LOVE AFFAIR WITH HIS FUCKING BROTHER, BUT APPARENTLY THAT WAS A DAY-TO-DAY OCCURRENCE AT THE OURAN HIGH SCHOOL HOST CLUB.

"IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM LIKE IT WOULD HAVE MUCH APPEAL," SAID KAORU, RUBBING HIS CHIN THOUGHTFULLY.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOUMEAN, NO APPEAL?" SAID ED. AL APPEARED TO HAVE BEEN SHOCKED INTO SILENCE.

"WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE THE TWIN FACTOR," SAID KAORU. "FORBIDDEN LOVE BETWEEN BROTHERS IS VERY POPULAR RIGHT NOW, BUT FORBIDDEN LOVE BETWEEN TWIN BROTHERS BREAKS EVEN MORE TABOOS, WHICH MAKES IT MORE INTERESTING!"

"MM, THAT'S RIGHT," SAID HIKARU. "AND THE PHYSICAL DYNAMICS ARE ALL WRONG. AL IS THE SHY, MOE ONE, AND YOU'RE THE OLDER, MORE FORCEFUL ONE. BUT HE'S A SUIT OF ARMOR, AND THAT'S NOT CUTE AT ALL."

"NOT TO MENTION THAT YOU'RE SO MUCH SHORTER THAN HE IS," KAORU ADDED BRIGHTLY. THE IMMACULATE CHINA SAUCER SHOOK VIOLENTLY IN ED'S HANDS.

"BUUUT YOU NEVER KNOW!" HIKARU SAID. "MAYBE THEY'RE INTO--"

"ARMORSEX!" THE BOYS CHORUSED.

"WHAT?" SCREAMED ED, PUSHING HIMSELF UP FROM THE COUCH. THE SAUCER SLIPPED FROM HIS HANDS AND SMASHED ON THE FLOOR. "... I CAN FIX THAT," HE ADDED HASTILY TO THE HOST WHO HAD SEEMINGLY APPEARED DIRECTLY FROM BEHIND THE COUCH.

"NATURALLY," SAID KYOUYA. "NATURALLY." MEANWHILE, THE REST OF THE CLUB HAD GONE ONTO MORE IMPORTANT MATTERS.

"OH, KAORU," SAID HIKARU BREATHILY, TILTING HIS BROTHER'S CHIN BACK AND STARING DEEPLY INTO HIS EYES, "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU KNEW ABOUT ARMORSEX. IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE INTO? DID YOU NEVER TELL ME?"

"HIKARU..." KAORU WHISPERED, HIS EYES SHINING WITH WHAT MIGHT BE TAKEN AS CONFUSED INNOCENCE IF YOU WERE BLIND AND RETARDED.

"IT'S JUST THAT... I WANT KAORU TO SHARE EVERYTHING WITH ME." A DEEP BLUSH SPREAD ACROSS KAORU'S CHEEKS, AND INEXPLICABLE ROSES SWIRLED IN THE BACKGROUND AS THE BROTHERS' FACES MOVED CLOSER AND CLOSER TOGETHER. THE SOUND OF ABOUT FIFTY WELL-TO-DO YOUNG WOMEN SQUEALING SOFTLY FILLED THE ROOM.

"SEE, LIKE THAT," SAID HIKARU. "DO YOU THINK WE COULD INVOKE THE FLAMES OF MOE IF ONE OF US WAS WEARING ARMOR ALL THE TIME?"

"BROTHER?" SAID AL, SOFTLY.

"YEAH?" SAID ED.

"HOW LONG ARE WE GOING TO HAVE TO BE HERE AGAIN?"

"AS LONG AS IT TAKES, AL," SAID ED. "AS LONG AS IT TAKES."

THEY WERE CLEARLY SURROUNDED BY THE MENTALLY DEFICIENT, BUT AT LEAST THE LADYFINGERS WERE PRETTY GOOD.