I don't own That '70s Show.

There isn't really an overall story arch to this compilation. Chapters contain their own story, but they will be loosely linked to one another.

Through the Eyes of Innocence

January 1st, 1976

Living in America is so different than my beautiful little country of … hold on. I hear a noise. Oh, it is just my silly host parents wrestling again in the dark, in the nude. Anyway, where was I diary? Like I was saying, America is so different, for example it is frowned upon to shower people with open mouthed kisses and groping hugs. The small, funny lady known as Mrs. Forman looked flustered when I tried to kiss her, and the bald man (her husband) threaten to kill me in my sleep if I tried that again. Silly Americans, where I come from, we do not sleep! Though I might start trying it, I see Hyde do it all the time. It appears very relaxing. But the Forman's are so nice, nice people! Except Mr. Forman who is mean….and Eric is whiny… Mrs. Forman is so nice, nice woman!

Laurie. According to Hyde, she is an "earth mother whore" goddess! But, I have not met her in real life. I mainly see pictures in Forman living room and hear stories from my friends who are boys. I guess that would make Kelso, Hyde and Eric my boyfriends! Hyde has one of my favorite stories of her. Unfortunately it is so provocative I cannot write it in you, diary. Still, I believe she is so gorgeous and I say this out loud! This makes Eric constantly remind me that she is his "slutty, evil" sister. But Kelso says she is she is so friendly- just not to him. And when we clean out basement, Eric found one of her bras! He was so disgusted he just gave it to me to burn or something and Kelso was sad he did not get it. Wait. Was it hers? Or maybe it belonged to the wife of her boyfriend or something… Whatever! I have a bra! Yay! Except now I need to buy a gun and shoot myself. Apparently, according to Hyde, it's a tradition to get a Tetanus shot after receiving underwear from the local whore. I wonder where I can buy a Tetanus gun?

Speaking of girls, Donna is the greatest thing I've been introduced to in this country since candy! Like, the first time I met her, she took off her shirt and I got to see her boobs! She claims that it was completely accidental and that she was taking off her clothes to take a shower and accidently left her door unlocked because she wasn't expecting her friends to visit her at ten o'clock at night with a "strange foreign guy you just met?" Pft, yeah right. Like that was completely logical?! She wanted me to see her beautiful jugs. Sorry "Donna lover" known as Eric Forman, she wants me from now on. And, I shall climb the tree next to her house and hide in her closet for more "accidental" peeping. I can do that here in America! It's not like I'll get arrested or anything; it's not like it's a crime to spy on people without their knowledge.

Anyway, there is this other girl named Jackie. She is very controlling of my best good buddy Kelso. And she's mean. And she hits. And her voice hurts my ear drums. And all she does is talk! Like she is very pretty, even better looking than Donna, but she doesn't shut the fuck up. If she is not careful, Hyde will strangle her, and not in the fun way! But I must admit, she is an angel (when you tune her out and look away so you cannot see her lips move). I wish I could steal her away from Kelso, but then I hear her and decide no. It's not that Kelso is my friend or anything, there is no code that says I cannot; it's just her voice is so goddamn irritating.

And Kelso. He's so tall, and dreamy and handsome. If I were a woman, I would throw my panties away and sleep with him every day, but since I am a man I just toss my briefs aside and swim naked in the reservoir with him. He's very flexible. If we position our bodies' just right, do you know what happens? That's right! He can drown me in water fairly fast, especially when his hand is over my mouth so nobody can hear my cries out in the woods. He thinks it's funny, but the other day I saw my life flash right before my eyes and do you know what I saw? A really shitty life! I cannot wait to start my new one here in America. This place is so much amazing!

Oh, and before I forget, I must speak of Hyde! He is what makes America so great! He is lazy, he does not care, he is a bad example and he is my hero. He is so very wise; it is a shame that the redhead called Donna does not like him like boyfriend/ girlfriend like. I know he likes her, but he refuses to acknowledge that his feelings for her are very obvious. So, I take advantage of his sad state and try to cheer him up. Together we go girl watching, we cruise around town like a couple of gigolos, I watch him make prank calls and we sit at the HUB and do practically nothing! In fact, Hyde gave me my first American beer, introduced me to American candy, helped me buy my very first American Playboy and he was the reason I got to see Donna's American boobs! He just wanted to "checkup" on her because she was not at school that day and when he opened the door, he freaked. Donna was shirtless! He ran away from me and Kelso and mumbled something about how much she would hate him and would "never want to be with" him. I tried to reassure him that he shouldn't be that depressed. She was never going to be with him in the first place- she has Eric. He should just be happy he saw her boobs, like I am!

Aye, I almost forgot about Eric. He is very skinny, and complains a lot. He has this sort of dead pan humor that I usually find refreshing but the others cannot stand it. I wish sometimes that I was him though. He has the love of a woman (though Donna claims they're just friends but I saw them undressing each other with their eyes. He was like, "Do you want me to take out your garbage?" and she was like, "Oh. Thanks." And I was like, "What is this garbage?" and they gave me this look. So obviously "garbage" is a code word for underwear. He asked to take it out, and she agreed. Very clear.) He has a car, though I think it needs a new battery and technically it's not his. He just drives it around for groceries and porno- the usual. And he has a house full of loving friends and family that don't care about him and sponge off of his happiness. What a grand life. Son of a bitch does not even see that!

Well, I must go. Tonight I will make my host parents dinner, and guess what that will be! That is correct, spider legs with cheese. I cultivated classic dish in my home country of… hold up, the phone is ringing.

Sorry diary, I really must go now. I guess I will not have time for the spider legs so I guess I'll just make my back up meal of a bowl of M&M's and cheese. Very nutritious, I can assure you, especially if you put whip cream on it! Anywho, as I said before- I must go. The gang wants to go do nothing at Eric's basement again. Smells like an adventure to me! Oh, I am sorry. That is not an adventure. I just farted.

- Love, "The Foreign Guy"

My friends have not named me yet- sorry! But, they have decided to keep me! Oh what joy swells in my heart!