Chapter 1: Secret

He always walked so briskly ahead of us.

I suppose it made sense; he was our leader. This little quest was his idea, after all. I was only drawn in by the prospect of adventure. Besides, I was alone. Thinking about it now, I am still alone.

However, I have my secret to keep me company. I usually try to hold all of these things inside. I'd never tell him - with his hands clasped gently, tenderly, in the grasp of that girl.

I admit I liked her too, at first, but she takes his attention away from me; and I like him more. I want him to see me again. I want to be the only one for him. I want it to be more like it used to be - even before we met up with Tsume and Toboe. Definitely before we met up with Cheza.

He frets over her so much, like she's a child. Should I be childish? Should I pretend to need his attention, his concern? Would that make him look at me again? Nah, he'd be annoyed. Though, I'll probably never know for sure. He makes me feel uncertain of everything, all the time. He's hard to read. I wonder if he sees how I feel? He probably wouldn't mention it if he did. He'd just stay focused on finding Paradise. I guess, if we find Paradise, I'll get to be with him. That's really the only way it would be Paradise for me.

Screw adventure. The real reason I joined in on this search for Paradise was to follow him. After all, from the minute I first saw him…well, it was love at first sight. I guess that's what I mean to say. I'm in love with Kiba.

Me secret is sometimes hard to admit to myself. I'm worried - worried about how he will react. I'm worried about his orientation. Does he even like men? Probably not. I'm more of a boy than a man anyways. Even if we were to get to that point it would never work, because you see, I would just screw it all up. I change my mind a lot of the time. It's part confusion, part depression, and part having to hide stuff all the time. Yep. I screw up the things around me. I can barely handle being teased by Tsume; how could I ever know how to deal with Kiba's feelings?

What I am trying to say is that I might change my mind someday. I might come to realize that Kiba isn't what I need most. I'd lose that slight, frail bit of happiness that I have left. Or, I'd exchange the happiness I currently find with Kiba and find it somewhere else...what would that do to Kiba? If, by some chance he decided to throw away his love for Cheza, and stay by my side instead - he'd probably lose everything. For what? Me? No. It's too risky, and so it should remain a secret. I can't let myself hurt him; not the one precious person I've found in life.

As I ruminated over this dilemma, I heard a taunting sort of grunt from behind me. Only Tsume could taunt someone with a grunt - I hope. What name would it be this time? Something to do with my slight weight problem? Is it even a problem? More importantly, does it bother Kiba? I suddenly felt sort of panicked...

'What do you want to say?' I asked Tsume, trying to cram as much rudeness as possible into my tone of voice. I don't always know why I try to provoke him...I guess I just don't want to let him get away with trying to provoke me.

He came up beside me, with that air of foreboding that he pulls off so well. What a pessimist.

'Does it bother you that he doesn't rest beside you when we sleep anymore?' He said quietly, leaving Toboe - who now pursued Tsume beside me like the lost puppy he was - completely in the dark.

Sometimes I wish Tsume was as dumb as Toboe. I guess I wish Kiba would be my lost puppy dog too; I mean, at least he'd need me.

'Shut up.' I replied. Tsume didn't even blink. Toboe winced for him.

They'd make a good pair. Tsume with his callous façade and Toboe with his warmth and subtle persistence. Balance is a good thing.

'He only wants to be with her, you know. Cheza and Paradise are what he truly cares about. I would have though that even you could see that.'

Now he was being pointlessly cruel. I had already processed that information on my own. He wanted to taunt me. It was working. I felt a stinging sensation behind my eyes; wet, hot, and traitorous. My mouth went all hot, like it does right before you vomit. I felt ill. I hate having to accept a hopeless situation. That's why I use a false persona, after all - a more happy-go-lucky kind of persona. At least, that's what I hope I have managed to portray. Of course, he always sees through me...damn Tsume. Kiba would see through it all too, maybe, if he weren't always so focused on other things. Would he even care though?

'Tsume, don't be cruel.' Toboe frowned, not quite understanding the situation. I guess I owe the runt for having the audacity to stand up for me.

'Both of you, mind your own business.' I said, trying to inflect cruelty and lightheartedness into my voice at the same time - cruelty for Tsume and lightheartedness for Toboe.

Needless to say, that attempt was futile. Toboe looked a little hurt and Tsume just looked more amused.

Dammit.

'Look Toboe, thanks for the concern, but could you let me and Tsume talk on our own for a bit?' The kid looked a little happier because he could see my genuine appreciation, but underneath that he was still frustrated. Nevertheless, he dropped back behind us, maintaining a slower pace.

'Tsume,' I turned to the offensive creature still beside me, 'You have a lot of insight...but a crappy way of putting it to use, you know?'

'You should stop punishing yourself.'

'Right, that's your job. Got it.'

'Just shut up and listen to me.' He grumbled. I was surprised by the change in his tone of voice. He was no longer mocking me. In fact, his face reflected grudging concern. He clearly had something important to say.

I nodded my head to signal that I'd listen.

'Kiba cares about you. You were the first wolf he accepted company from, you realize. For Kiba, that meant placing a lot of trust in your hands. He wasn't so quick to trust anyone else.' Tsume said, probably recalling his initial fight with Kiba.

Tsume wasn't exactly the trusting sort either, as I recall correctly.

He continued, 'He can be hard to read sometimes, but you will discover the signs. No one else is so simple.'

Simple? I wouldn't have attached that word to Kiba.

'And I can tell that...he loves you too.'

Wait, what?

Kiba...loved me? Was Tsume taunting me again? No...his eyes were sincere.

'H-how can you tell?' I stammered, sounding like an idiot.

Tsume did laugh this time, but it was soft, kind - unusual for Tsume; well, unheard of for Tsume.

'Even when he is being stroked by Cheza, pretending to sleep, he looks away from her. He looks at the pack, appreciative, I suppose. His eyes stay with you the longest. It's a strange look that he gets, but I think...well, I'm almost positive that it's longing. He misses being by your side.'

'That can't be right...he obviously loves Cheza.' I countered.

'It's more of a protective love for Cheza. She can be pretty helpless sometimes. He feels a connection to her. It is mainly Paradise related. Still love, but different. Does that make sense to you?'

I swallowed. I may have a chance with Kiba?

'Wait...then why did you say all that stuff earlier? About Cheza and Paradise being the only two things that mattered to Kiba?' I felt doubt slide down my throat like a dead snake.

'I wanted to see if that was what you were thinking. My speculations were correct, apparently. You believed everything that I said. You accepted that stuff as true, and it bothered you.'

All of a sudden I could breathe again. The doubt removed itself from my throat...for now at least. I felt elated. Tsume might be on to something.

'I...don't know what to say.'

'Just stop moping.'

'...Okay.' I could oblige him for the moment.

I smirked. 'Now go back to your Toboe.'

He slipped back towards Toboe, who had been starting to whine, in his wolf form.

For once since Cheza joined us, I felt more secure. Not too secure, though. First, I wanted some proof to hold on to. So I planned on staying up that night.

Maybe I'd be able to see what Tsume sees.