Title: Apparent Surprises
Author: Gedri
Disclaimer: Not mine! I just borrow them from the wonderfully generous Joss Whedon.
Warnings: None Summary: Spike and Xander aren't quite the enemies everyone things they are. Feedback: This is the possible start of a series. (I know; I left way too many unanswered questions.) If anyone likes it, let me know and I'll keep working on it. If you don't like it, just keep quiet and I'll take that as warning enough to quit. Apparent Surprises We knew it wouldn't last. They were just too… impossible/weird/INSANE! I mean, who's gonna believe that a Slayer and an ex-Scourge of Europe could really be a couple? We didn't. No one believes that either of us can do anything, let alone see something none of them could, or would. We knew it was only a matter of time before their coupledom blew up in their faces. We just didn't figure that we'd get blown up with them. I wish they'd listened to us; we did warn them. We were ignored…nothing new there. "If it isn't the Slayer's apparent pet?" "It if isn't the nut's apparent toy?" "She actually let you out alone?" "She didn't give you a doll to protect you?" "Cor, whelp, I've missed you." Throwing his arm around the younger man's shoulder, the leather-encased form seemed to lose its menace and relax. "What'cha been up to?" "Homework, slaying stupid minions, figuring out how to stop big-bad masters intent on killing my friends- nothing new." "That's EVIL big bad Master… Oh, I definitely like the sound of that." "Yep, it'd be a great business card. 'Evil Big Bad Master Vampire. Will take over towns and kill citizens randomly. No prey too hard, No torture too gruesome. Contact…' " "Alex, Personal Assistant and Evil Big Bad Master's Childe-in-training." "Oh, yea. I can just see my resume. 'Junior High Flunkey. Self-centered Slayer's lackey. Personal Assistant to the undead.' I'll be fighting them off with a stake." "If any of them so much as lay a hand on you, I guarantee there'll be fighting. Maybe a little torture and maiming too. When're you gonna send it out? Sounds like a bit of fun keepin' 'em off you." "Sorry I mentioned it." "No, you aren't." "You're right; I'm not…and don't laugh." "Sorry, Alex. Just so bloody good to see you." "You saw me two hours ago." "No." Pulling the taller boy to a stop, the blond used one hand to force the others eyes to meet his own. "I did not see YOU earlier. I saw a useless git that barely knew which end of the pointy little stick to point away from him." "Thanks… I really" "NO! UGGH" Using his grip on the boy's arm, the frustrated man dragged his confused captive into a nearby cemetery. Roughly pushing him to sit on a headstone worn smooth by time, he squatted and looked into the other's eyes. Seeing the nervousness, he reached for the others hands and gently massaged them between his own. "Alex, YOU are not like that. YOU are NOTHING like that! Since I've known you you've killed more minions than the stupid Slayer has." "Only because you led me to them and she couldn't find them. If she'd found them" "Doesn't matter. Listen, mate, the Slayer could've found us any bloody time she wanted." "Huh?" "She can sense us. You know that much, right?" "Yea. Her spidey senses." "Whatever. The bloody point is that all the chit's gotta do is walk around and she can 'spider-whatever' every one of us in town." "Nope. It doesn't work like that. They go all wacky sometimes. I mean, she knew Angel for a while and she never knew he was a vamp till she saw him go all demony in front of her." "Oh, please. Mate, you don't really believe that." "It's true." "You know I've killed more'n a few Slayers?" "Two; I read about them in the Watcher files." "Right, you're gonna have'ta swipe those journals for me some time. Need to know what they say 'bout me and all." Grinning at his slowly calming captive, he released the boy's hands and sat down on the ground instead of merely squatting. The talk was going to be a bit longer than he'd planned. "Now, I've known more'n just those two so I've got a bit of an idea what they can do. And no slayer's gonna get as close as that chit did with my sire without knowing he wasn't normal. There is NO way the chit didn't know what he was." "Then why'd she act like she didn't know?" "Come on, Alex. Peaches isn't exactly hard on a chit's eyes. She wants to get 'close' to him and as long as the Watcher didn't know about him he wasn't likely to go all protective, now was he?" "He did get a little nut when he found out." "Exactly. So long as she kept him in the dark" A quick grin acknowledging the poor pun. "She had a chance of getting Peaches all to herself." "Oh. She wouldn't do that." "Mate?" "Okay, she might." "Might?" "Yea, she is a little brain dead around Deadboy. Love makes you do the wacky." "You mean, 'lust'." "I may be stupid, but I can still see they're in love." "LUST. I've seen 'em together same as you have and that isn't love. Think about it a sec. If Peaches was dying, would the Slayer let him feed from her? If she were dying, would Peaches be willin' to turn her so they could be together? Not likely. Why, you ask. 'Cause they may 'want' each other but it isn't real." "So the only way you'd believe they loved each other was if she wanted to be a midnight snack and he wanted to drain and turn her?!" "Whoa, mate. That's not what I'm saying." Rising and beginning to pace, the leather coat seemed to float and flap like wings on an agitated nighmare. "Okay. Suppose Red suddenly runs up to you and says I'm right behind her planning to turn her, could you kill me?" "Why?" "Why what?" "Why would you want to turn her? You know she's too dangerous as a vamp." "Doesn't matter. I just want to kill her. Now, would you kill me?" "No." The wings gave a sudden flutter as the form spun and stilled. "Must be hearing things. Thought you said 'no'." "I did." "What?" "I wouldn't kill you." "Mate? Red's your oldest chum; you'd let me snack on her?" "Nope." "Okay. I'm lost." Folding hidden legs beneath him, the undead Master sat confusedly and stared patiently at the eerily calm human before him. "What's going on it that dark head of yours?" "I wouldn't kill you. IF I suddenly thought you were trying to kill her, I'd find a way to talk to you. And, if I couldn't, I'd kidnap you long enough to find out what had been done to you." "Done to me? What if I was just in the mood for a little red-head for dinner?" "You wouldn't be." "I wouldn't...Mind telling me why not?" "Because you're my non-enemy, and you know she's my other non-enemy. So, you wouldn't just decide to kill her without a reason." "You think so?" "Yep. You may be an evil Master vamp who doesn't care about the people he kills, but, as a non-enemy, you are exceptionally loyal." "I'm your 'NON-ENEMY'?" "No. YOU are my friend. Since there is no way you'd admit to knowing me, let alone getting along with me, I'm just your non-enemy." "And why wouldn't I admit that I know you?" "Gee, Spike, lets think a minute, huh? Maybe because I'm the slayers donut-boy? Or, because I'm so important to the group that they didn't mind serving me up to you as an appetizer when you attacked the school." "I wouldn't have hurt you." "I know that; like I said, you're loyal. The point is that they DIDN'T know. For all they knew you could have been in the mood for a moist and delicious brunette and- WOW! - I happen to be just what you wanted. You could have killed me and, I don't care what Deadboy says, there is no way he could have stopped you." "Let's go." "Where?" "You need to do some killing. A little fighting, a few piles of ash, and you'll be as good as new." "Murder's a cure for depression?" "That and shaggin but there isn't a decent chit in the whole town." " 'kay, mate, the blond bloke's mine. You take the guy with the ax." "What?" "Come on. You fought me when I had an ax." "Yea, but you weren't trying to actually use it on me." "Relax. You'll do fine. Now…WELL LOOKEY HERE! Two little minions trying to play master. Guess my mate and I'll have to teach you a little lesson 'bout impersonating your betters." "YOU aren't our 'better'. And HE isn't even worth killing. A real master DRAINS humans, he doesn't take 'em on walks in the park. Specially ones as dumb looking as AGGHH" "Well done" CRACK "I would've played" UGGH "more but that move definitely deserves" POOF "a bit of celebration. Where'd you learn that? And where the bloody hell did you get that!?" "A demon." "Bit more info, like that you're pickin' stuff up on your own though." "The blue-grey warrior thing that Buffy killed a few weeks ago." "Remember, bloody thing killed a few of my boys before the Slayer got to it." "Yea. Anyway, it used that move to try and kill Giles except he had a magic shield around him so the blade didn't reach him. After the fight was over the body just sort of stayed there so Giles was going to go set it on fire with magic but, since he was so tired and everything, I convinced everyone that I'd get some gasoline and come back and destroy it while they all went home and rested." "And they didn't bloody well care that you'd be tired too." "Nope. Buffy just spent five minutes telling me not to get too close to the fire and" "Treating you like a bloody idiot?" "Right. So, once they left, I stripped the demon and got the harness and blades he was wearing and then used that spell you taught me and made a crispy critter that I promptly beat to dust." "A little extra aggression to work off?" "Either I did that or I went to find Buffy and Giles and beat them to death with their own books and donuts before locking Willow in her room until she got her common sense back." "Should've gone with number two there." "And how, exactly, do you think I'd look in a wrap around jacket?" "Not bad. But I like you better in something a little less white." "I'll be sure and be sent to someplace with black gowns too." "Cor, Alex, I knew you'd be a good mate once you loosened up a bit. Sneaking around with me, the ENEMY; stealin' off dead demons; using magic the rest of the goody-goodies don't know 'bout; talkin' bout beating the Slayer and Ripper. Start wearing the clothes I got you even you aren't plannin' to meet me, and you'll be bloody perfect human." "Gee, thanks." "Welcome, mate. Now, you got any plans for the rest o' the night?" "Not yet. But I bet you've got something in mind." "Bloody right. Now come on. I got some o' your clothes stashed not too far from here. You change clothes and then we'll see about reminding the boys why I like you so much." "Cause I look so good in a leather jacket?" "Cause you got a bloody evil streak that puts me to shame." "Should I be flattered or scared?" "What do you think?" "Definitely flattered!" "Too right, mate. Now come on. We got time to kill and folks to torture." - A straight jacket