World Spins Madly On, a gossip girl fanfic

World Spins Madly On

Summary: Starts during 1x13 "A Thin Line Between Chuck and Nate". What I think should have been Blair's response to what Nate says after hearing about her and Chuck. Slightly AU, Erik Van der Woodsen is older than Serena and attends Brown University like in the book series. Erik and Blair have stayed in contact since he left the Upper East Side for Providence.

A/N: I thought of this and couldn't focus until I got it down on paper… or on the computer I guess. Give it a chance and tell me what you think. No flames please, only constructive criticism. Hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it!

Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl or it's characters.

Inside Out by Eve 6

I would swallow my pride/ I would choke on the rinds/ But the lack there of would leave me empty inside/ Swallow my doubt/ Turn it inside out/ Find nothing but faith in nothing/ Want to put my tender/ Heart it in a blender/ Watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion/ Rendezvous then I'm through with you

I burn burn like a wicker cabinet/ Chalk white and oh so frail/ I see our time has gotten stale/ The tick tock of the clock is painful/ All sane and logical/ I want to tear it off the wall/ I hear words in clips and phrases/ I think sick like ginger ale/ My stomach turns and I exhale

I would swallow my pride/ I would choke on the rinds/ But the lack there of would leave me empty inside/ I would swallow my doubt/ Turn it inside out/ Find nothing but faith in nothing/ Want to put my tender/ Heart it in a blender/ Watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion/ Rendezvous then I'm through with you

So Cal is where my mind states/ But its not my state of mind/ I'm not as ugly sad as you/ Or am I origami/ Folded up and just pretend/ Demented as the motives in your head

I alone/ Am the one you don't/ Know you need/ Take heed feed your ego/ Make me blind/ When your eyes/ Close sink when you get close/ Tie me to the bedpost/ I alone/ Am the one you dont/ Know you need no you don't/ Make me blind/ When your eyes close/ Tie me to the bedpost

Now im through with you

Through with you

Rendezvous then I'm through with you

"What are you doing here?"

"Your Mom let me in."

"I didn't ask how you got in, I asked why you came."

"To talk—about us."

"There is no us, Blair."

"Yes there is, we finally really have a chance to start over."

"You know, all this time I've felt so bad for everything I've done. And when you said you wanted to leave the past in the past, I didn't know you were talking about your past."

"You had just broken my heart, I made a decision I was in no condition to make."

"But you're clearheaded now, right?!"

"Yes!"

"Then you'll understand perfectly when I say I want nothing else to do with you Blair."

"Oh that's rich Nate! You're perfectly ok with leaving everything you've done in the past, yet refuse to do the same for me!"

"I never said thatBlair what you did and what I did was completely different! I had to find out from Jenny! At least I told you myself about what had happened."

"Yeah Nate, it wascompletely different. You cheated on me, then you proclaimed to still have feelings for her when we were still dating. We broke up. I found out that the boyfriend that I had been in love with for years had never loved me. I am and always have been utterly and completely in love with you. I have done everything I could to make you happy. I forgave you for sleeping with my bestfriend while we were still dating because I love you. An emotional affair is completely different from a physical one and you let me love you while you had feelings for someone else! My actions were completely irrational because my world had fallen apart thanks to you! And you know what, Chuck cared. He was there for me like you never were! And it felt good. It made me feel like while you might not give a shit about me, there were people out there who did! But, yes, I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I did the same thing to Chuck that you did to me; I let him care for me while I was in love with someone else. And I cannot tell you how sorry I am that he is your best friend because I know what that feels like. You checked out of my life the day you slept with Serena and Chuck was there. You know what, nothing has changed. You still don't love me, because if you did, you wouldn't be pushing me back out of your life so easily. Do you want to know what love is?! Love is me swallowing my pride and letting everyone in my life turn against me because they think that I am a cold-hearted bitch who crushed the poor Nate Archibald. Yes, poor Nate. Don't worry, no one will find out about your indiscretions. Because I love you and that is what you do when you love people. So go ahead, pretend you loved me and that thatbitch Blair Waldorf wronged you so. Because I am done. Yes, I am done with you. "

The room filled with the sound of the door slamming followed by silence.

What the hell just happened?

The elevator dinged in the Waldorf residence as the doors parted, followed by the click of heels on the marble floor. Serena walked into the Waldorf living room to find Blair sitting bolt upright on one of the lounge chairs staring at the wall opposite her.

"Blair, what are you doing?"

Blair's gaze shifted towards her supposed best friend's. "How did Jenny Humphrey find out about Chuck and I?"

Serena's eyes widened. "B, I have no idea!"

"Serena you were the only person who knew about it!"

"B, I would never do that to you. You know that."

"Did you tell Dan?" Serena averted her gaze. "You did, didn't you?"

"I needed someone to talk to. I couldn't get through to you and I was scared."

"I wasn't ready to deal with everything. I just needed time."

"You were in denial!"

"And so you talk toDan about it? He knows nothing about me. What made you think he'd know how to help?"

"I needed someone to talk to and I knew that he would never repeat anything I told him."

Blair scoffed. "So, you don't think he was the one who told Jenny?"

"We were in his room, maybe she heard us talking. Do you remember how many of our conversations my brother listened to?"

"Of course I remember. Clearly you weren't even thinking about the possibility when you told him."

"That was the last thing on my mind Blair. I am sorry that I'm the reason Jenny found out, but I was trying to look out for you."

Blair sighed defeated. "It's probably better he found out. He clearly still doesn't love me."

Now Serena was confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Nate and I broke up. He said that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me." Blair looked up anger evident in her eyes, "he wanted nothing to do with me."

Serena sat down next to Blair. "He's just upset, you guys will get through it."

"No we won't. I know that you think that I was with Chuck as revenge, but that wasn't it."

Now Serena was really confused. "Do you have feelings for Chuck?"

"God no." Blair shivered at the thought, "It just had nothing to do with the fact that Nate and Chuck were best friends. It had everything to do with the fact that he made me feel like someone actually wanted me."

"Blair, you are seriously going to have to explain this to me because I have no clue what you're talking about."

"Nate and I broke up for the first time because he didn't love me, he never loved me and he still had feelings for you."

Serena felt like she had been punched in the stomach, "Blair…"

The corner of Blair's lips turned up into a bitter smile, "don't worry S, I know its not your fault. But it killed me. And Chuck made me feel like I was actually worth something rather than a second rate substitute. And I felt so pathetic, that I was with a guy merely because he wanted me. That's why I told you it was revenge, because I was ashamed of the real reason."

"Oh, B."

"I know." Blair said fixing her gaze on her fidgety hands in her lap. "He cheated on me with my best friend and I stayed with him, I sought comfort in someone else while we were broken up; and he wants nothing to do with me."

Serena wrapped a comforting arm around her friend. Sometimes it was so easy to forget that Blair had a soft center. As much as she wished that she could make all of her friends problems disappear, it was moments like these that reminded her why she loved her. "He's just hurt."

"That's not it. If you love someone, truly love them, like I love him, it doesn't matter. He fooled me into thinking that he loved me again. This time I think he might've believed it too, but he didn't."

"I'm so sorry, Blair."

The final bell rang in the courtyard announcing the end of the school day. Serena started down the steps to see the last person she expected to see leaning up against one of the pillars.

"Erik!" Serena squealed running down the stairs and into the arms of her older brother. She hugged him tightly before pulling back, "what are you doing here?"

"I got a call from Blair."

Serena was speechless, that was happening way too often lately. "You talked to Blair?"

Erik chuckled, "Yeah, we've stayed in contact since I left New York. She needed someone to talk to when you weren't around."

"Wow, I had no idea that you guys were close."

"Are you kidding? She practically lived in our apartment when you two were younger."

"I guess I never really thought about it. So, I guess she told you about what happened." Serena was a little unsure of how much Blair had told her brother.

"She hasn't told me everything, but I know enough."

Serena stepped out of his embrace feeling a little worried about her brother's reaction if he knew about what happened between her and Nate. "So you know about…" she trailed off.

Erik furrowed his eyebrows a little, then realization hit him. "Holy shit. You were the friend that…"

Serena looked down at her feet shifting a little restlessly, "yeah." Part of her couldn't believe that Blair hadn't told her brother, the other part wondered why she thought so low of her best friend. She took a deep breath, maybe it was a good thing that her brother knew and at least he found out from her… sort of.

Erik was a little unsure how to respond. "Ok," he said running his fingers through his hair.

"That's it? Ok." Serena was shocked to say the least.

"Blair said that you guys moved past it, without using your name of course. If you guys found a way to move past it then I have no right to judge." Erik said looking into her eyes.

Serena let out a breath she didn't even realize she was holding. "Thank you, for understanding I mean… well not understanding, but not holding it against me. You really are the best brother a girl could ask for." It was then that Serena realized her older brother's attention was no longer on her, his gaze was focused at the top of the stairs. She turned to find Blair making her way down the staircase doing her best to keep it together and hold her head high. "I'll catch up with you at home." Maybe her brother could do more for Blair than she could.

Nate stood at the top of the stairs his eyes locked on Blair's form slowly descending the steps. He noticed all of the withering glares students were giving her, he really hadn't considered how this affected her. He shut his eyes and tried to recall the anger that he had yesterday, it was so much easier to deal with this all when he was angry. He opened his eyes to see her running into the arms of a tall blonde. Anger started boiling within him, was she serious? The guy looked familiar though. Wait. Was that Erik Van der Woodsen? What the fuck? He shoved his hand into his pocket fingering the emergency joint he always kept. Apparently he'd be taking a detour through Central Park on his way home.

Blair barely made it through the day, but she refused to show the other students that what they said had any affect on her. She was Blair Waldorf for fucks sake, no one put her down. The sun glimmered off of the blonde locks of a familiar boy. "Erik!" Blair's reaction mirrored Serena's only minutes before and she ran into the outstretched arms of her longtime friend. Erik's strong arms encircled her small body and pulled her tight to his chest.

"Hey there beautiful," he whispered in her ear.

Blair stepped back and playfully slapped his chest. "What are you doing here?"

"You sounded so upset on the phone last night, I figured a visit was long overdue." He replied smiling down at her. She seemed to be holding it together pretty well.

Blair looked down at her hands fidgeting a bit. She looked up biting her lip, "you didn't have to come." She smiled, "but I'm glad you did." She stood on her tiptoes to give him another hug. When she pulled away he gave her a quick peck on the cheek before wrapping his arm around her shoulders and steering her away from the source of all her anxiety.

"Let's get out of here."

Spotted: band e looking very comfy in the Constance courtyard. n smoking a j in central park, it's just a bit too much drama for our golden boy. cwith a girl under each arm walking into the elevator at the Palace, he's certainly moved on fast. j staking her claim on the steps of the Met, does Queen j have the same ring to it as Queen b?

Gossip Girl here with your daily buzz. You'd think with all the drama surrounding bthat she'd wait a little while until moving on to her next victim, guess not, poor e has no idea what's coming. Wonder what s will think now that b's sights are set on her brother. Is there a throw down between e, c and n in the future, or will they all realize that b just isn't worth it? Only time will tell. As the drama keeps building I'll keep reporting.

You know you love me,

Gossip Girl

A/N: I have a pretty good idea of where I'm going with this and I already have part of the second chapter done, but I still want to hear your thoughts. Love it? Hate it? Why? My writing is directly proportional to the number of reviews I receive, especially in the beginning. Let me know if I'm doing a good job with the way that I'm writing the Gossip Girl stuff… I wasn't really sure about that. Also, does anyone know what time of year 1x13 takes place?