I awoke. The light was barely streaming into the room. Soft light. Early light. It was unusual for me to awake early in the morning. Anything before noon I considered to be the crack of dawn. So to be awake this early was a total surprise for me. I glanced around and noticed the man sleeping next to me. It was a man I recognized. A man I was familiar with. Intimately familiar with. Yet it was not the man I wanted next to me.

Whenever I looked into his eyes I expected to see a different color. Not the color of the earth, but the color of the leaves. Cool green eyes that looked into my soul and saw me for who I was. Everything. Not just the black and white. But the grey spectrum and further into the rainbow I kept hidden from the rest of the world.

His arms around me felt the same as the one's I wanted to be around me. But when I looked down to the arms that would nestle around me they were the wrong color. Brown with dark hairs adorning the smooth skin. Each time I looked at his arms I was unnerved to find brown instead of white. No, not white. Pale. Pale arms that had held me and kept me safe.

This body next to mine felt the same as the one I wanted when I closed my eyes. So many similarities. I held onto those similarities with a tight grip. I held on and tried to ignore the differences. But as hard as I tried those differences would never disappear. And I either had to accept them or move on and be by myself until I could heal the ache in my heart for the man I could not have.

But I was scared to be by myself. I had not been truly alone for so long... Years of depending on one person. I did not even know how to function by myself anymore. I was afraid. Truly afraid to do something I could not remember how to do.

I looked over at the man at my side once more. He loved me. He truly did. He had fallen in love with me years ago but as circumstance and fate would have it, we were never able to be. Until now at least. We had kept in touch throughout the years. Chit chat over emails every few months. He would ask about my life and I about his. His last email had been at the most opportune time. I was recently out of my three year relationship and was heavily on the rebound. He was there to pick up my broken pieces. I warned him though. I told him how heavily I had fallen and how doubtful I was of ever being able to love him as he loved me. He did not care. He just wanted to love me as I deserved to be loved. How could I resist? He was accepting, kind, loving, always knew what to say, tender, patient. His good qualities just did not end when it came to me. He was only like that with me he told me. He couldn't stand other people most of the time, but with me he felt at peace with himself. He felt as though he could be a better person with me. He could make a difference. He would have something to live for.

He had been my crutch for months now. I felt horribly guilty every moment I spent with him. I felt as though I was using him. Abusing the love he felt for me. I had promised myself that I would never be one of those girls who used men just because she could. Yet here I was, using someone's love for my own personal gain. But he wanted me to use him, he just wanted to be with me and make me happy, I always countered myself with.

I was happy with him. If you could call always wishing for something else happy. He made me smile and conversations with him never faltered. But there was just so much more I wanted that he could never give me. Physically everything was good as well. He was a good lover who always made sure of my needs before his. But it also lacked the passion I craved. Sex was good, no doubt about it. I really shouldn't even complain. Yet... As good as it was, I knew that there was better. I had experienced better.

I never realized how selfish I could be. I had something good. Not many people are able to have something as good as I have right now. And I know that when he wakes I will smile and put on a happy face for him. He does so much for me already. The least I can do is make him believe that he makes me happy. Happier than I feel on the inside.

The days and weeks and maybe even months will go by until eventually I will have to tell this man who loves and adores me goodbye. I will have used him up and then I will discard him. My guilt and sorrow will be as rough on my soul as sandpaper is to skin. But I know that he will understand and let me go. He will harbor no ill feelings for me for he is a good man with a heart of gold. My guilt will cause me many days of grief. I will miss the man who helped me pick up the pieces of my life so that I could move onto greener pastures. But those days of grief will pass and I will look forward to each day again.

Until then I will learn. Learn to be a single entity again. Learn to be independent. Learn to be the strong and willful woman I once was. Until then...

A/N

So this was just a little something that came pouring out at 2 o'clock in the morning when I couldn't sleep. I'm usually a reader rather than a writer so I was really hesitant about posting this up. But I decided eh, what the hell.

I put the rating as M because I mention sex a tad bit somewhere around here. But if you think it's not too bad and should be T then let me know and I'll go change it. I couldn't really decide. Safe than sorry ya know.

Tell me what you think :)