A/N: My first attempt at humor! Hopefully I did a decent job at it. I blame this on the implausibility of any of the turtles mating with human beings. Seriously. I consider the boys to be more turtle than human, so this little ficlet was spawned from that belief. Also, I chose to use Raph in this story because I wanted to pick on him. And don't mind Kaitlynn. She's not important in anyway whatsoever. I just needed a random female to fill her particular role.

Rated T as there's nothing really graphic in this story. Just some talk about genitalia. If anyone feels this should be rated higher, please don't hesitate to tell me.

Disclaimer: Still don't own them.

"Wh-what is that?" Kaitlynn's eyes widen as she stares and points at Raphael.

He looks at her. Then he looks down. Then he looks at her again.

"It's my junk. Duh."

"What the hell do you mean duh? There's no way that thing is real. It's totally gotta be fake. Right? It's totally fake."

Raph rolls his eyes. "Ya know, despite what ya may think, I'm really not finding this much of a turn-on. Can we just get to tha sex already?"

Kaitlynn squirms back against the bed until she's practically molded into the headboard. "Uh-uh. No way. Not gunna happen. There's no way I'm letting you stick that in me. It's, like, half the length of your freakin' body! Do you have any idea what that thing'll do to me? It'll probably tear me in half!"

Raphael slaps his hand to his face. He's finally about to get into his girlfriend's pants and she's acting like a complete nutjob. It's just a penis. She's acting like she's never seen one before. She'd claimed she wasn't a virgin, but maybe that was a lie.

"This is your first time, ain't it?"

Her face falls. "What? NO! I've already told you that I slept with my last two boyfriends."

"Then this really shouldn't be that big of a surprise to ya. Maybe they were just really small." He sniggers at that, impressed with himself.

Kaitlynn's left eye starts to twitch. A lot. "My last boyfriend was 8 inches. EIGHT! That thing has got to be at least 13."

Raph grins.

"That wasn't a compliment!"

"Women are always saying how size matters."

"There's such a thing as being too big, you green idiot!" Kaitlynn clutches the bedsheets like they're a safety net. "Look, have you ever seen a human male's genitalia before?"

Raphael is suddenly defensive. "Why tha hell would I look at another guy's dick?"

"You've never been curious? Not even a little?"

"Hell no."

"Well, you're in for a rude awakening. The difference between you and a human is like night and day."

Raphael grunts. He's getting frustrated. "Look, this is fascinating and all, but I'd really just like ta get ta screwin' ya now."

Kaitlynn tries to get her breathing under control. Her eyes have gotten so wide it looks like they're going to pop out of her head. When she finally gains her composure, she shrugs. Couldn't hurt to try, right?

"Okay, I'm ready. Maybe. I think."

Raph smiles and moves towards the bed. He leans in to kiss her, awkward though it may be and they make out for a little. When Kaitlynn pulls back, she's smiling. But that smile falters the second she looks back down.

"Holy hell, what is it doing?!"

Raph looks down. "What? Tha head expands. It's supposed ta do that. Seriously, are ya sure ya've done this before?"

"It looks like a mushroom!"

"I'm tellin' ya it's normal."

The twitch is back again.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Out in the living room Mike and Don are watching an episode of Star Trek. Don's talking about everything implausible happening on the screen and Mikey's just trying to watch the show, science be damned. Both are enjoying the relative quiet in the lair when the calm is suddenly shattered by a panicked scream. They look up just in time to see Kaitlynn running from Raph's room in her underwear, clothes clutched to her chest as she flees in obvious terror. She doesn't even stop for her shoes as she races out into the sewer.

The two turtles look at each other, clearly confused.

"Huh, wonder what's up with her?" Mikey asks.

Don shrugs. "She is dating Raph. Could be any number of things, honestly."

"True." The younger turtle grins and calls over his shoulder. "Bye Kaitlynn!"

A/N: In all honesty, have any of you ever seen a turtle's junk before? It's frickin' horrifying, is what it is! I'm not even kidding. If you don't mind being traumatized for forever, look that shit up.

Anyhoo, like it or hate it, I'd love to know what you think!