HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAWK MAMA, a seven deadly sins/七つの大罪 fanfic

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HAWK MAMA

Everyone inside the Boar Hat bustled around, busy preparing food and hanging decorations and setting up chairs. There are banners and balloons on every table, red cups stacked higher than Meliodas. They all worked together to get ready for a huge party to celebrate the birthday of a very important member of their family.

The Sin of Wrath was currently behind the bar, giant towers of alcohol on either side of him as the others worked in the main room. He was supposed to be pulling out extra stock, but instead, he was leaning on the bar, chin propped in his hand as he watched Elizabeth perched precariously on the top of a ladder. She hummed to herself as she tied a balloon to one of the lanterns that lit the room, and he shamelessly looked straight up her skirt as she worked. She was wearing blue teddy bear panties today, nice. With the eight children that now lived in the Boar Hat, it was difficult for them to ever get a single night without at least one of the kids in bed with them, so he wanted to replenish his spank bank as much as he could, when he could. Most nights, in fact, he ended up sleeping under one of the tables, or in one of the boxes that served as cribs for the babies, all of them strung up from the ceiling with ropes and sticks, and they hoped the cradles didn't rock and that the babies will fall.

He knew Estrossa's spawn was cock-blocking him on purpose at this point. It was genetic unfortunately.

"Hey!" Hawk squealed, making him jump a mile. His head hitting the top of the bar and him losing another inch to his midget frame.

"What?" Meliodas sighed, looking down at the porker, who was huffing and puffing at him.

"I saw what you were doing!"

Meliodas rolled his eyes. "So sue me," he answered, looking back up Elizabeth's skirt with a sigh. Her butt wiggled beautifully as she reached for something on the top shelf- and truly, she was a goddess for keeping everything so tight like that after so many kids. Did she do Pilates or something?

"I'll forgive you if you answer me one question," he said snootily, and Meliodas shrugged, grabbing a red cup and filling it with twenty different alcohol types at once and downing it, so Hawk shouted, "Why are we having a party for Mama? We didn't have a party for me!"

"We didn't?" Meliodas frowned, tapping his fingers against his jaw. "Huh, well shit, I guess not. When was your birthday again?"

"August 6," he squeaked. "And I didn't get shit!"

"All right, all right," Meliodas answered, annoyed. He looked at his watch and said, "We've got about three hours until the new year, plenty of time to do something right now. So what do you want for your birthday?"

"Scraps!" Hawk answered, and Meliodas huffed, "I should have known. You really wanted shit for your birthday."

He trotted over to the kitchen and poked his head in the door. "How's the food coming?" he asked Ban.

"Two minutes, Captain," he answered. His two kids are strapped to his back in a baby holders, munching away on vegetables.

"Well, forget it," Meliodas answered. "It's all going to scraps now."

"What?!" Ban shouted. He looked down at the spread he had prepared: a roast turkey, gravy, fried potatoes, rice, salmon, duck l'orange, peas, curry, scrambled eggs, cheesecake, macaroni and cheese, carrot jello, greens, fried chicken, calamari, grilled alligator, deep fried butter sticks, bean dip, cheese sticks, moonshine, fettucine alfredo, seared tuna, shortbread cookies, peanut butter and banana sandwiches, goulash, marzipan, teriyaki chicken, tacos, mushroom aldine, hot dogs, rocky road ice cream, beef jerky, latkes, funnel cake, and as the grand finale, toast. "I've been cooking for an hour already!"

Meliodas sighed. "I'm sorry. We owe Hawk a birthday party, and he wants scraps. So just throw it all on a plate and start over."

Ban narrowed his arms, folding his eyes over his apron. "Why should I? We never celebrated my birthday, you know."

"We didn't?"

Ban shook his head, and Meliodas rolled his eyes. "Fine, when was your birthday?"

Grinning, he answered, "Valentine's Day. The day of loooooooove~"

"Huh." Meliodas thought a moment and said, "Fine, I'll do something for you first. What do you want?"

Ban shrugs. "Same thing I've always wanted. A bonsai tree."

"What? What do you want one of those for?"

The Fox Sin gives a little giggle. "You get these cute little scissors, and then you use them to trim the little branches, and you can make it into ANY shape you want! It's so adorable!" he makes little snipping motions with his fingers, little hearts appearing in his eyes.

"Uhhhh… okay. So if I get you this tree thing, then you'll redo the food?"

Ban gives him a salute, so Meliodas pops back out of the kitchen. He hunts around a bit and finds King sitting at the bottom of the steps, blowing up balloons. He is in his large and smelly human form, to use more lung capacity. Mushrooms already appearing at his feet from his stank. "Hey, King!" he says, standing over the fairy with his hands on his hips. "I need a plant. Can you poof one here from the sacred forest?"

King's brows drew together. "I don't know. What kind of plant?"

"Bonsai tree? Ever hear of it?"

He nods, a balloon getting loose from his fingers to fly across the sky. Before it lands like a used condom in a tree. Forgotten and sad to never become something of itself. "Yeah, I can get you one of those. But what do you need that for?"

Meliodas heaves a sigh. "We never celebrated Hawk's birthday, so I told him I'd give him scraps, but Ban won't recook the food because we never celebrated his birthday, so I told him I'd get him this tree thing."

King huffed, looking to the side. "You know... it's an awful lot of trouble to go through. I have to call Oslow, have him appear, tell him what to do, wait for him to go find it, bring it back here, take it in my hand, and hand it over to you. I don't know why I should even bother, especially since you didn't celebrate my birthday!"

Meliodas left eyebrow twitches.

"We didn't?" Meliodas said. "Well when was yours?"

"April 1st," King replies.

The captain bursts out laughing. "I remember that! We all thought you were playing a joke on us for April Fool's Day! 'It's my birthday, it's my birthday, come on guys'," he says, mimicking King in his best King voice. "What a riot," he laughed, wiping away a tear.

King did not look pleased. The awful smell wafting from him getting worse. "Well I'm not going to get you a tree for Ban's birthday if I didn't get anything!"

"Fiiiiiiine," Meliodas said. "What do you want then?"

King put a finger to his double chin and thought for a moment. "I'd really like a pair of wings. That way Mer-I mean, Diane will finally notice me!"

"Wings, huh?" Meliodas sighed. "Fine, I'll be right back."

He hops over the Fairy King and takes the steps two at a time, all the way up to the third floor. He spins around three times, spits on the floor, sticks his thumb in his nose, and chants, "Mary mary boo boo." Suddenly, the door to Merlin's secret room appeared, and he knocks on it swiftly.

"Come in!" the mage's voice called merrily, and Meliodas opened the door. "Hey, Merlin, can you-woah, what are you doing?!"

Inside, Merlin was sitting on her workbench, her legs spread wide. In her hand was a long, thick, hairy, scaly, knotted, pointy, long, tube-like… thing. "What is that?" he asked.

"It's my newest invention," she answered. "I'm trying to find a way to easily remove unwanted hair. I really hate shaving, and these shorts do leave little to the imagination." Meliodas nodded as she put the snake-like item away in a velvet-lined box, his eyes going wide as it actually growled at her. She quickly closed the lid and turned back to him with a smile. "What can I do for you? I don't have much time, I'm trying to get ready for the party."

"That's what I'm here about," Meliodas replied, shaking his head to remove unwanted images. Or- uh, mostly unwanted? He was more afraid of the fact he wasn't sure if he wanted it or not. "Hawk is bitching because he didn't get a party, so I tried to get him scraps, but then Ban started bitching, so I tried to get him a tree, but then King started bitching, so I need some wings for him. Can you whip up a spell or something and get this boy his wings?"

"King?" Merlin asked, her voice going up several notches. She thinks, hoping off the bench to slowly stretch her right leg until it was pointing up towards the ceiling, leaning back until her back popped in a satisfying way. Meliodas frowned, wondering why she said his name like that, but she quickly puts her leg down and drops to the floor, to a split to stretch out completely, and turned around, clearing her throat. "Uh, yes, yes, I suppose I could, for King. But you know, Captain-"

"Yeah yeah," he said with a wave of his hand. "Lemme guess, we didn't do anything for your birthday either, did we?"

Merlin's back stiffened suddenly, and she floats upwards to standing. "Yes, yes my birthday. Yes, that was precisely what I was going to say. I completely 100% was going to mention my birthday." Then she tilted her head. "Do I even have a birthday?"

"Yeah, everyone has a birthday," Meliodas answered. "It's December 3. I remember that because that was the day that Elizabeth had that nip slip." He sighed. "What a day. Anyway, what the hell do I need to get you to get these wings?"

Merlin cleared her throat again. "Well, since you asked, I need a tissue sample from Escanor. There's a test I want to run to test his powers."

"What?!" Meliodas exclaimed. "You know the guy would like, throw himself down the steps for you, right? All you'd have to do is ask!"

"Yeah, well," Merlin said quickly, "I don't want anyone to think I like him or anything. Especially Ki-Escanor! So get a tissue sample, and I'll give you a potion for King."

"Fine." Meliodas barks, throwing up his hands and headed towards the door, but paused as he reached for the knob. "What kind of tissue sample, anyway?"

"From his asshole," Merlin said over her shoulder.

Meliodas heaved a huge, long, drawn out sigh as he stares blankly at the door. Before closing his eyes.

"Naturally," he finally muttered to himself.

Escanor was behind the bar, stacking glasses into complicated beautiful designs. One a giant swan. Another into a life size portrait of Howzer holding a plate with a steamed pig on it. Truly beautiful. "Hello there, Captain!" he said, pushing his glasses up his nose, his mustache wiggling brilliantly. "Can I help you with something? Is there something wrong? There is, isn't there? Is it Merlin? Is it me? You want me to leave? I disgust you, don't I? Well, I assumed this would happen one day. Thanks for everything, Captain," he finishes, reaching around to untie his apron. A noose somehow appearing in his other hand.

"No, everything's fine," Meliodas said, quickly snatching the piece of rope and chucking it behind his head. "I don't want you to leave. Actually, I want… well, I need a sample of your asshole."

"My asshole!" Escanor shouted. Then he lowered his voice and whispered fiercely, "That is supposed to be a secret. What in the world do you need some of my asshole for?"

Meliodas grinned. "Actually, Merlin asked for a sample," he replied, propping his chin up on his fist and wiggling his eyebrows. And Escanor's eyes go huge, his size almost doubling until his head slams against the ceiling.

"Mer-Merlin! She-she-she-she-she-she-she-she-she-she-she-she-!"

"Yes yes," he said flatly. "She wants a sample for some experiment. So, bend over."

"B-but, Captain," Escanor sputtered. "I can't j-j-just m-make my a-a-a-asshole appppppppear! I would need a p-pair of beautiful, full melons to gaze upon first!"

Meliodas glanced over his shoulder, where Elizabeth was still standing on the ladder. She was bent over the top, reaching forward to hang a streamer. Her breasts swayed enticingly below her, like two giant water balloons knocking together. He sighed appreciatively, but then Escanor tapped him on the shoulder. "I know what you're thinking," the Lion Sin said as he turned back around. "But unfortunately, it can't be just any chest pillows that will do the trick. There is only one sun for my sky, one moon for my night, one cat for my canary, one Jersey for my shore, one ham for my honey, one stub for my toe, one neck for my turkey, one stick for my lip, one iceberg for my three hour movie, one can of whipped cream for my-"

"Fine!" he interrupted finally by stuffing a sock in his mouth, "I get it. Isn't there anything else that will… you know… open the gates, so to speak?"

Escanor's mouth twitched under his bushy moustache, and he goes to talk, before realizing the sock was muffling his voice and pulls it out. "If you could find me some wildberries, the smell of them could do the trick." He sighed and continued, "The smell of wildberries always reminded me of my goddess Merlin. But unfortunately, they only grow at the very top of the tallest tree in the forest. It's impossible to reach them."

"Right. Berries. Trees. Forests." Meliodas snapped his fingers. "I have an idea! I'll be right back." He turned to go, and then stopped and asked, "Hey, when's your birthday?"

"July first," Escanor replied.

With a huge smile, Meliodas said, "Consider this an early birthday present!" With Escanor's cry of, "Thank you, thank you!" following him, Meliodas headed out the door- only to stop when a sharp "Hey! WAIT!" calls from behind him. Escanor runs up to him, pulling out a large bow and arrow from behind him.

"You might need this! Take this with you on your quest!" Meliodas nods as he throws it around his shoulder, but before he can leave the room he pauses. "Hey Escanor?" he frowns, "where did you pull this out of-"

"Be safe wary traveler!" Escanor is already back to stacking cups, and Meliodas shrugs, and then he trotted around the tavern until he found a certain giantess lying in the grass outside.

She sat holding onto eight long ropes, each one tied to one of the aforementioned children. Diane sighed, boredly watching them run around in circles, climbing on her legs, punching each other, pulling each other's noses, and setting various items on fire. As Meliodas approached, all eight children immediately froze, turning sixteen eyes right at him. "Daddy Meliodas!" eight little voices shrieked, and they all took off at a full run at the blonde demon.

"Hey there, ki-oooofff," he answered, completely bowled over as they all jumped on him at once. Joseph untied his shoes while Celeste ate his tie; Mark pinched his nipples as Lauren stuck her finger in his nose; Tiffany ripped out some of his arm hair and put it on joseph's head- which set of a dominance snarling match between moonbeam who bit him in the shin; and Starscream burped loudly in his face while sobbing the ab' and c's as Salt licked his forehead. Somehow he ended up with an ice cube in his shoe, and sparkles now all over his hair.

"Wow," he said, once Diane yanked on the ropes, pulling the eight little ones off of him. They all tumbled in a heap as he climbed back to his feet, smoothing his clothes down. "They sure are a handful."

"Yeah," Diane sighed. "But I love the little scamps NO STARSCREAM, NO!" She tugged sharply on one of the ropes, and a little body flew through the air, landing in a pile of dirt that had been built off to the side. The little head immediately popped back up covered in dirt, before he started cackling madly. "Sorry about that. What's up, Captain?" Diane waved her hand to put out the end of one of her pigtails covered in black fire.

"Here's the deal," he said, sucking in a huge breath. "I need wildberries to give to Escanor because they remind him of Merlin so he can get big for a sample of his asshole, to give to Merlin who I need for a potion to make some wings, to give to King who said he can get Oslow to fetch a Bonsai tree from the forest, to give to Ban who has to make dinner a second time because I need him to give the first food as scraps, to give to Hawk so he'll shut up about me sneaking a peek at Elizabeth's panties. All because we didn't celebrate their birthdays and they are all stanky ass jealous hoes who encroach in other people's special days. Can you help me out?"

"Say no more, Captain!" Diane yells, pumping a fist that sends four kids flying through the air like a swing set. "I understand all of that perfectly! But can I get something too? Since I didn't get anything last week?"

Meliodas frowned. "Let me guess, was it your birthday?"

Diane nodded. "Yeah, December 24."

"Well fuck. That sucks," he said. "The day before Christmas? Nobody pays attention or remembers those birthdays, and if they do the presents are always some half ass bull. Sure, whatever you want." he hisses, sending her an understanding glance.

"Good." She handed him the eight ropes and stood. "I've had to go to the bathroom for like six weeks, but I can't get two minutes alone with all these damn kids. Can you watch them for like an hour or so? I'll be back when I'm done, and I'll bring you the berries."

"Deal." Meliodas wraps the ropes around his wrist and then wraps his arms around the biggest rock he can find, holding on for dear life as the Serpent Sin stands and silently stretches before skipping away.

He watches the children run around, crashing into each other every once in awhile. Occasionally one will run towards him, but he uses a stick to perform Full Counter and sends them flying backwards easily. He set up a good three feet "daddy zone" just long enough where they couldn't reach him. Though, he did start getting concerned when his oldest started chanting backwards in gibberish and try eating his soul. A good old talking to and a stuffed unicorn helped though.

After about 37 minutes, the door to the tavern opens and his shimmering love walks out, sighing as she takes in the night air. She spots Meliodas and waves, hurrying down the steps and across the grass. "Mama! Mama! Mama!" the children shout, and within a moment all eight children are hanging from her arms, legs, hips, and shoulders. One is sitting on top her head, singing and flapping their arms.

"All right now," she says sweetly, cooing as she plucks each one from her body and sits down next to Meliodas. They begin crawling all over her and him, scrapping with one another for the coveted spot on her lap, but Elizabeth picks up a large stick and throws it across the yard. "Fetch!" she yells, and the eight babies begin crawling and running and knocking each other over as they chase the prize. Ah, the wonders of toddlerhood.

"What are you doing out here, Sir Meliodas?" she asks with a frown, clearly worrying for him. He gazes back at her as she tucks her hair over her shoulder. Meliodas sighs as he looks into her eyes, shimmering in the moonlight, and thinks that he's never seen such a beautiful pair of knockers before in his whole life. "Waiting for Diane," he says. Then he goes through the long, arduous story of what he is doing and why he is there and how his very existence is turning into a ridiculous farce.

"Huh," Elizabeth said. He follows her gaze out across the grass, where the eight children are now sleeping, all laying on top of one another in a neat little pile. "Well, I think it's rather sweet of you, Sir Meliodas. You work so hard to make everyone happy." She dips her head down towards him and says, "You know, you never got anything for your birthday, either. It's July 25, right?"

Meliodas nods. "That's okay though. What with your escape, looking for the Sins, fighting the evil Holy Knights, defeating Hendrickson, the Ten Commandments coming back, getting my Sacred Treasure back, masturbating with my clones, finding Ban in the Fairy King's Forest, dealing with Arthur, facing my brothers, dying, coming back from the dead, dying again, coming back again, helping Howzer get laid, your pregnancy, taking care of these kids, and rebuilding the Boar Hat, 2016 was an absolutely insane year." He sighed and leaned backwards, his hands behind him in the grass. "It's no wonder we skipped everyone's birthdays this year."

Then he looked over at Elizabeth lovingly, who looked back at him with a shy smile. "Actually, you know what? I think I did get a gift after all."

"Oh, Sir Meliodas!" she squealed. Quickly she climbed onto his lap, straddling him. Meliodas jumped in surprise, grinning as Elizabeth leaned down and whispered in his ear, "I have a gift for you, even if it's a little late."

"You do?" he asked with a bright smile.

Elizabeth nodded and slid an arm around his neck. "Yup. And it's right… under… here…"

His eyes went wide as her other hand went to her pink blouse. Slowly, teasingly, agonizingly, she began to undo her buttons, one by one. Meliodas thought his eyeballs were going to roll right out of their sockets when she finally finished, his little buddy standing at full attention against the princess' rear. "Are you ready to see it?" she whispered seductively.

"Fuck yes," he answered eagerly.

Elizabeth opened her blouse, revealing another shirt underneath. In the moonlight he could see "I'm With Stupid" printed on the shirt, with an arrow pointing to the side. "Isn't it a RIOT?" she said excitedly, covering her mouth as she giggled. "I got us matching ones! Now when we stand next to each other, they can point to each of us. It'll be so funny, because then no one will know who the stupid one is!"

"Uh, yeah," Meliodas said gloomily. "No one will ever figure out who the stupid one is." his pecker deflates so fast it makes a sound of defeat, and thousands of men across Britannia suddenly fall into a horrible depression, unsure why.

Elizabeth continued giggling, climbing off of his lap and laying back on the grass. "You know," she said, as Meliodas snuggled up next to her, "when I was growing up, my father had all sorts of tutors come and teach me and my sisters all kinds of stuff. I know all the stars and everything. Wanna hear their names?"

"Sure," Meliodas sighed, relaxing.

"Okay!" she said brightly. Elizabeth pointed up to the sky, and Meliodas followed her finger with his gaze. "There's… uh… Bigfoot. And there's… Toothpick. And… Crunchy."

"Sorry, what are you pointing out?" he asked, squinting his eyes.

"The constellations!" she answers. Meliodas nods and listens to her list the constellations of the sky, everything from Aardvark to Zapperoonie. He grew more and more concerned as she went on and on, until finally he heard the comforting booming of a giant's footsteps. "Diane's back!" he exclaimed, hopping up and pulling the princess to stand.

"Here you go," Diane whispered, handing Meliodas a bunch of tiny berries. "Thanks for the break!"

"No problem," he answered, jogging back inside the tavern.

Immediately he went to Escanor and handed over the fruit. The Lion Sin cradled them gently in his hands, his eyes fluttering closed as he took a huge whiff, and then he began to expand. Once he was full-sized, he quickly unbuckled his pants and let them flop in a glorious manner to the floor, his junk so large and extraordinary that Meliodas has to quickly duck so not to be decapitated by its marvelousness as Escanor turns around and spread his meaty cheeks with his even meatier hands, proclaiming, "BEHOLD THE GREATNESS OF MINE ASSHOLE!" Meliodas nodded, using a cotton swab to sweep around the opening, jumping back as the dark vortex nearly drew him inside. "ARE YOU SATISFIED? HOWEVER NOT?"

"No no I'm good." Meliodas hurries to say as a gleam enters Escanor's eyes. With the sample now secure, he hurried up the steps, bursting into Merlin's room. "Excellent." The Boar Sin looks pleased from the spot she is laying out on her yoga mat, her feet touching the back of her head. She bends her right legs, taking the swab from him with a pair of tweezers between her toes before acrobatically getting up, dropping it into a vat of acid. Then she handed him a small vial filled with blue liquid. "Just have him suck this down," she said in a breathy voice.

Meliodas thought that was weird, but he was too close now to care. He carried the vial downstairs, where King was now covered in sad, deflated balloons. The Grizzly Sin drank the potion easily, and suddenly a burst of magic exploded out the back of his shirt. He fell to the ground, screaming in pain, and after a few minutes of agony, stood up sweating and shaking. "Do I have them? Do I have them?" he cried out, and sure enough, there was a pair of dainty little wings right between his shoulder blades. "They're beautiful!" he cried, great huge tears welling in his eyes, and with a snap of his fingers Oslow was sniffing at Meliodas' crotch, a Bonsai tree balanced perfectly on the dog's head.

He ran to the kitchen, where Ban quickly shoved a cabinet closed, blinking in surprise at the intrusion. Meliodas held up the tree, and the Fox Sin squealed in delight, hopping from one foot to another as he clapped his hands, a stupid stupid fucking grin on his face with his tongue rolling out the side. He immediately threw all of the cold and now inedible food into a giant barrel, rolling it out for Meliodas to take. Ban gave him a kiss on the top of his blonde head, and after swatting him away, rolled the food out to the main room.

"Hawk!" Meliodas called, and after a moment the pig appeared, trotting out from under a table.

"What?" he squawked, and Meliodas proudly gestured to the barrel.

"It's your birthday present, Hawk!" he proclaimed happily. "Happy birthday!"

Hawk sniffed at the barrel and then looked at him suspiciously. "What is it?"

"What do you mean, what is it?!" Meliodas shouted. "It's your damn scraps is what it is!"

"Oh," Hawk shrugged, as much as a pig could shrug anyway. "Well I already ate, but thanks!" With that, there he flicked his tail and trotted off to the storage room.

Oh.

He did not.

Boiling with rage, Meliodas snaps his fingers in a zigzag formation before he can stop himself, and was seriously considering blowing a hole into Lioness and wiping them all off the face of Britannia... when Gowther suddenly popped out from behind some wood panelling. "I heard you were giving out birthday presents," he said, pushing his glasses down his nose and pulling a paper from his pocket. "I have a list here and-"

Meliodas rears back, punching Gowther in the throat and sending the Goat Sin flying. "That's it!" he shouted, his voice echoing through the tavern. "Everyone to bed!"

The rest of the household followed the order, all lights snuffed out and blankets laid out and babies tucked into boxes by exactly 11:55.

At midnight on the dot, the entire household was asleep, when Hawk Mama burst from the ground. "PUUUGGGOOOOOO!" she shouted, expecting to see her family outside, waiting to wish her a happy birthday.

Instead, no one was there.

"PUGO?" she said, a single giant tear forming in her eye and dripping to the ground, forming a small lake. "PUGO."

Hawk Mama sniffled, about to dig herself back into the ground, when a voice came from the distance. "Hawk Mama! Hawk Mamaaaaa!"

"PUGOOO?" Hawk Mama said inquisitively, and then shouted excitedly. "PUUGOOOO!" For there, running as fast as he could and not muss his hair, was her first and only love, Holy Knight Howzer.

"Hawk Mama," he panted when he finally arrived. "I- I got you- holy damn I am out of shape! Woo! Anyway, I got you something for your-"

But Hawk Mama was so happy that he was there, that he remembered, that she quickly leaned in for a kiss. Unfortunately for Howzer, she sucked him up accidentally in her mouth and swallowed him whole.

Cue what is now proclaimed as "THE MOMENT" in history. The most feared in all of known written history; when a panicked, giant green ran around all of Britannia in a frenzy; toppingly entire castles and iron walls as she tried to do the Heimlich Maneuver on herself and sent all of the country back into the stone ages.