My dear friend is going away for a long time, so I decided to write her a one-shot. The creator of Gravitation, as I'm sure most of you are aware, also draws some very... graphic... continuations called "Megamix". The one I read was on request of my friend because she thought it would be interesting to see Shuichi's reaction.
Basically the Megamix goes like this, Shuichi is away on tour and Yuki misses him a lot. He's masturbating in his study, and having a really vivid fantasy as he dials the phone. It shows him as young Eiri, having sex with grown Yuki Kitazawa, in reality he (apparently) phone Tohma and his little brother, and they take advantage of that and, basically, rape him. That's how I see it anyway. And since Tohma is some kind of mastermind bitch, he video tapes it and then sends it to Shuichi.
The Megamix ends with Shuichi watching the tape, but it never shows his expression, only his mouth handing wide.
Anyways, this is for her... 'Cause I'm going to miss her lots!
A week had passed since Tohma and Tatsuha had paid him a visit, and though there was (and forever will be) a foreboding sense of guilt, Yuki was feeling better about seeing Shuichi again. Involuntarily, his golden eyes flicked to the corner of his computer screen every so often, the clock lessening the minutes he'd have to wait. He'd be hard pressed to ever admit it, but Yuki missed his perverted brat and was excited to have him home again.
Minutes passed, more and faster, until the time he expected Shuichi home was long gone. Minutes late, hours later, Yuki had almost waited a full day until the door opened slowly, soundlessly. Shuichi dragged his taxed body, as well as overloaded suitcase, through the door. The only clue Yuki had that he was home was the two loud thumps of his shoes hitting the wall. Eagerly, though not showing it, Yuki walked from his study to the living room and watched his tired lover situate himself on the couch.
Something was off about him, Yuki noticed. Shuichi was always exhausted after tours, burdens repeatedly falling on his shoulders as the lead singer. The author was used to a sleep-deprived, zombie-like Shuichi walking through the door. However, a glint was in his eyes that let Yuki know Shuichi was relieved to be home. He searched deep into the violet eyes, but couldn't find the glint. "Welcome home, Shuichi…"
When the boy gave no indication he was going to reply, Yuki took Shuichi's hand with out another word. The minute his cold hand made contact with Shuichi's warm one, the tingling presence of guilt at the back of his mind, spiked. His eyes widened ever so slightly, and Shuichi's hand fell away. Now the blonde author was battling shock as well as guilt, trying to register the changes all around him.
Shuichi looked up, violet eyes dull and unnaturally darkened. There was nothing there but deep, unrelenting, sympathy and then clashing despair. The pink lips Yuki was so familiar with moved with out ever making a sound, as if the boy was struggling to find his voice. Trying hard not to, but doing it anyway, Yuki read the boys lips, while stepping back as discreetly as possible. Regardless, Shuichi noticed and dropped his head again, staring down at his lap. He never stopped mouthing the words he was trying so desperately to say.
As though Shuichi was screaming it, those same words echoed around Yuki's quickly clustering head. "Why, why Yuki? I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" But why was he sorry? And what was he trying to ask? Everything was wrong—everything. Shuichi was supposed to come home, dead tired, but also extremely happy. He was supposed to shower Yuki with kisses, clumsy due to sleepiness. Right now he was acting as if he had seen a tragedy unfold before his eyes. Or as if…
Yuki stood still now, pushing everything back in his mind as he watched Shuichi lay down, dead eyes half closed. He wasn't "Eiri-kun" anymore; he was "Yuki Eiri", Yuki Eiri thought clearly, rationally. There was logic hiding in the chaotic mess of emotion, all he had to do was find it. Perhaps Shuichi was just way more exhausted than normal, or maybe he really did see something traumatic during his tour. Yuki thought that surely Shuichi was acting as if he seen what went on with Tohma and Tatsuha, was because this is how Yuki expected Shuichi to react.
Still, the reasons that Shuichi was asking why, and claiming to be sorry, escaped him. What possibly could've happened to cause such a terribly void look in Shuichi's eyes? For some reason, Yuki thought of time. How long had that expression been on the singer's face? How long would it stay? And if it did stay, how long could their relationship last? When Yuki managed to push back all the questions, meshing them with the previous myriad of emotions, he noticed that Shuichi was half asleep. He could tell by the way the boys chest rose and fell that he wasn't completely asleep yet.
Even so, he stepped forward, reaching out to pick him up bridal style and bring him to bed. Again, different feelings arose when he made contact with the boy—this time, physical feelings. The boy was hot, burning hot, as in, running a fever hot. He felt goose bumps come alive on his arms, and tingles down his spine—and when Shuichi's eyes fluttered and a hoarse sigh left his pink lips, Yuki felt an inappropriate (not to mention sudden) tightness start in his pants.
Again, Shuichi was awake with his eyes open, watching through his own emotions as Yuki tried to keep himself in control. He felt the fever ravishing his body, the coolness of Yuki's skin comforting in a way, yet disturbing in another. Suddenly, the image of Yuki reaching for him faded to the image of Yuki on his hotel's TV—pale, sweaty, being teased physically, and not all there emotionally. In the beginning of their relationship, Shuichi knew Yuki cheated on him, but he had never seen any proof. All the nights he spent at Hiro's, tossing and turning, trying not to imagine Yuki with some beautiful street hooker, he never thought he'd see actual proof.
And in all of his wildest, erotic, nightmares with Yuki and some other people, he never thought it was with someone they both knew. Never even dared to imagine it was with his family members. That's where his emotions conflicted. Yuki had no right to cheat on him this far into the relationship. They were past childish fights—in love, serious, bounding, love. And though Shuichi was always worrying Yuki was having sex with someone else while he was gone and alone, Shuichi never thought it was true. Not anymore.
However, the Yuki in the video looked to be rag doll, locked far away in his mind. It was always plausible that he didn't know what was happening, and the other two knew that little detail. They took full advantage of Yuki when he was venerable, and Tohma filmed it just to hurt the singer. How many nights had Shuichi spent sitting in front of the blank TV, losing sleep, not eating, trying to figure out what was happening? Why it was happening in the first place, if it was happening again right now. After a while, he started to realize that if what he had originally thought was the case, and Yuki was being violated because Shuichi was gone, then it was his entire fault.
And what a nerve he had, getting angry that Yuki betrayed his trust, when in truth it wasn't Yuki's fault at all! Shuichi felt his body give way to sickness around the time of his epiphany, but still all he could do was continue to dig a deeper hole of despair. Because of him, Yuki was being tormented, being taken advantage of—all at the same time. Poor Yuki, Yuki with such a sad and gentle soul, Yuki didn't mention any of his torture because he didn't want to hurt Shuichi. The worst part was that he was stuck with Shuichi, because Shuichi was too stupid to think of anything to do.
If he packed up his things and left, or never even came home from tour, Yuki would continue to face these demons alone. But staying meant that Yuki would be subjugated to his clueless, stupid, nature for so much longer, which was almost as bad as the demons (apparently). Combine such depressive thinking, low on self-esteem and self-worth with rapidly declined health, it's not hard to lose yourself in a tsunami of emotions.
He felt his pink head touch a feathery soft pillow, cold and crisp, just the way Yuki liked it, as he realized he fell asleep. Alarm swam through his body instantly. He was in the bed, the same bad in which Yuki was violated… how many times? With a groan he rolled to his side, not caring that he fell to the hardwood floor, landing on Yuki's foot.
His voice was so hoarse and his throat felt dry and sore, but he still managed to croak out a low "I'm sorry,"
Yuki stepped back with shock, pulling his bare foot from under Shuichi's heated body. The floodgate of emotions was still in check, barely, cracking and leaking. He felt his mind going numb with confusion, wondering what Shuichi meant, and why hearing the boys gruff voice made his heart swell a fraction of an inch. He could judge by the way Shuichi reacted to the bed, he must've known about what went on. But if he knew, why was he sorry?
Was he sorry because now that he knew, his heart was broken, and he was leaving Yuki forever? Slowly he brought himself to his knees, putting his pale hand on Shuichi's sweat dampened t-shirt. The contact didn't make the singer recoil like it had the two other times he was touched, but instead Shuichi brought himself closer to Yuki, almost cuddling against his knee.
"I'm sorry, " He repeated, curling into a ball and covering his face with his hands. "Because of me… Because of me you…"
Those muffled words were the missing piece of the puzzle, tying everything together nicely, forming a clear (albeit, fractured) picture. Of course, Shuichi would some how find a way to blame himself for everything that happened behind his back, would figure it out eventually why, and then maybe try on denial. In the end, it would come down to just Shuichi and Yuki, freeing both Tatsuha and Tohma of any blame. Then, Shuichi would relieve Yuki of blame and take it all on his shoulders.
With a sigh, a huff of breath that showed it's impatience, but also shook with slight laughter, Yuki moved the hand that was still on Shuichi's shoulder, and then put his other hand on the other shoulder, and pushed the boy up to face him. Even kneeling, Yuki was taller than Shuichi, but their proximity made eye contact a lot easier. Staring deep into the dead violet eyes, Yuki could now see the tears that were ready to fall. Could it be that the entire time that Shuichi knew—he didn't cry?
"Listen, Shuichi," Yuki said evenly. Hearing a clear voice made the moment he paused sound awkward, and everything was way too silent.
"I'm severely fucked up, and I always will be. That means that, no matter what, our relationship will also be fucked up, every turn we take. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that you're prince charming yourself… But you try to shoulder so much blame, take on so much responsibility… and you have to stop it. I have no doubt in my mind that you know what happened, probably because Tohma is a cynical bastard, and you should know. I'm glad you know… Just don't blame yourself. It's toying with you, and screwing you over not only mentally, but physically, too.
"What happened…I'm not proud of. I can hardly even remember it. I should be stronger by now—"
"It's not your fault, Yuki..." Shuichi interrupted, pressing his clammy hand against Yuki's cheek. "You say you're fucked up, but that's not the case. You're not fucked up; you've just been fucked over. You have a big heart—even if people say otherwise. It's me who should be stronger; I should know when your heart is fraying even more. I should protect you—"
Yuki pressed a slender finger to Shuichi's lips, gently silencing the boy, which wasn't really a problem. His throat was throbbing from talking, his voice fading in out during his speech. Again, Yuki dominated the conversation.
"You idiot, I wasn't talking about all the screwed up things I seem to be a magnet for. I'm talking about you leaving. I should be stronger when you're not there to protect me, you'd think with all the times I've tried to push you away, I would be. I let things like… that… happen to me because when I'm not being protected I'm weak. With Kitazawa it was because Tohma wasn't guarding me, and with Tohma and Tatsuha, it's because you're gone.
"I know I can be stronger—it'll just take some time. I know things like that are going to happen again, but with time, I'll have enough strength to prevent them. As long as you stay with me through it all."
"Yuki…" Shuichi sighed, closing his eyes. His body slumped against Yuki completely now, due to their position, Shuichi fell into Yuki's lap. Yuki was glaring down at the body, feeling uncomfortable if not just a little sadistically aroused, and embarrassed. He was acting completely out of character of Yuki Eiri; sounding more like the Eiri-kun he was sick of being.
"Idiot," he chided, moving the limp body to a position that would be easy to pick up. "Staying with me also means not dying on me." With a grunt, not remembering to lift from his knees, and not knowing Shuichi could be so heavy when he felt so hallow, he got Shuichi up onto the bed.
For what seemed like the millionth time that night, Shuichi opened his eyes from near sleep, looking uncomfortable again. Yuki sighed, glaring into the eyes that didn't look so dead anymore, and wordlessly demanding that he not roll onto the floor, because if Shuichi fell off that bed, Yuki would not pick him up again.
The man, not bothering with pajamas, slipped into bed beside his sick lover. He did feel embarrassed of everything he said, but also proud that they were at a new level of understanding. However, he also knew in the back of his head that they would have to go through this again, and again, until he really was strong enough to stop the continuous advances at his body from everyone he trusted.
Shuichi snuggled into the man that he had missed so much, eyes closed once again. Minutes of silence passed, more and faster, until Shuichi whispered (because that was all he could force out) "Yuki…?"
Tired, half asleep himself, the author replied with a quick, "Mn?"
"Let's get a new bed tomorrow."
Sorry for any mistakes, I wrote this in one night... I don't know how long it took me, a couple hours? This is for you Satona, I'm going to miss you so much! Remember to be like your idol and (try to) be happy while you're gone.