Disclaimer: Do I look like Stephen Moffat? No? How about Mark Gatiss? I didn't think so...
"Sherlock?"
"John."
"Sherlock, what do you call this?"
"...It's a table. Pine, scorch marks indicative of a recent encounter with a Bunsen burner."
"No, it used to be a table - our kitchen table. What have you done to it this time?"
"..."
"...The books hold it approximately level anyway. You'll still be able to use it."
"That is not the point! And don't try and make out like I'm the only one who uses it, either."
"I don't eat."
"No, you just destroy harmless pieces of furniture!"
"It was hardly harmless. I detected no less than sixteen different potentially toxic materials absorbed in the surface of the wood."
"Oh, you did, did you? And where, exactly, do you think they came from?"
"Three weeks ago, the woman's cat, it was poison..."
"Rhetorical question, Sherlock! Just... pass me the phone, will you?"
"What do you need the phone for?"
"Because some of us need to eat, and I can hardly prepare food on that, now can I?"
"Well..."
"Sher-lock..."
"You did ask!"
"Not literally!"
"...Oh. Well, you should say what you mean."
"What, like you do?"
"John, I am a highly-functioning sociopath. Nobody expects me to be reasonable."
"No, that's true. A reasonable person would offer to order take-away, to make up for the table."
"Actually, the table wouldn't have been damaged in the first place, so..."
"Shut up, Sherlock! Make yourself useful and order us Thai food."
"Indian. We had Thai last Tuesday."
"But today is Tues- Fine, whatever. Just do it. I have to go and explain away your mess to Mrs. Hudson."