A/N: My first attempt at humour. Woop-da-woop. In this version Ukita is still alive.
Chapter 1
"Happy birthday, Ryuzaki." It was somewhat awkwardly that Matsuda leaned forwards, hand outstretched to pat him on the back. He wisely thought better of this, however, and subtly covered this up by waving the said hand enthusiastically in front of the detective's face, grinning inanely. The detective whose birthday it was, the detective who was hunched over is desk, Soichiro's gift of- inexplicably- cufflinks already on it, unopened. The detective who, for some reason completely beyond him, looked none too impressed.
"And as for you gift…" He flourished his hands in a dramatic gesture. Everyone took a wary step back; only L remained unfazed. "I…erm…forgot to bring it…" He silently congratulated himself on this brilliantly quick piece of thinking. Because the truth was…
…The nice, puffy pink dress he had prepared didn't seem quite such a good idea, once it came to the real thing. And to be honest, he quite wanted to keep it for himself. Shifting uncomfortably under L's unblinking gaze, he turned to go: "I'm going to fetch it." Stay calm, he willed himself. Walk slowly and calmly to the exit. Act normal. He ran.
Aizawa gave a pitying sigh, before presenting L with a large green volume, unwrapped. '1357 Simple Steps To Making Friends', the cover read.
"Thank_you, Aizawa-san." His tone bored, with no hint of sarcasm. He leaned over, so his fingertips rested on the edge of the book. "I will store it somewhere…safe." This said, he gave it a slight push, where it toppled over the edge of the desk, and into the bin. He turned his head, and offered Aizawa a smile. Aizawa scowled, outraged.
Soichiro tapped L on the shoulder. He seemed to be trying to hide a smile; Aizawa looked offended. "You've a birthday gift from Light." Soichiro produced from his pocket a slim package. "I got it for him," he added, unnecessarily, glancing at the 6 foot chain. L nodded understandingly.
"Of course. If this harms me in any way, then, at the very least, the blame would be alleviated." Soichiro frowned at him. "Why not just blame the medium staightaway? Assume that I am Kira? Or I'm working for them?"
L replied with characteristic tact. "Because Kira is intelligent." Soichiro decided to let this pass. "Well…Light being the genius he is, thought you might need this. And I'm not saying I disagree."
Whilst he was saying this, L had opened the gift, and was fixing Light with a somewhat sulky gaze. "Light-kun is indeed a genius, to know that I'd make good use of this. But then, it comes as no surprise that Light-kun has an extensive knowledge of these matters…" This said while dangling his new comb."