Drowning in myself
By Silent Shadow
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I had a dream once; I was trying to dance on the tip of a pin. But every time I got on it, I would fall. I never stopped trying, though, until someone finally stole the pin. I started crying and my tears blinded my vision. Then slowly the tears formed a sea and I was drowning… I was watching myself die.
Drowning in my sea of tears.
*
Anzu jerked her head up suddenly from her desk and away from her dream. Half-asleep, she lazily peered over her piles of schoolwork at the small radio clock blinking obnoxious red numbers.
'Six? I must have fallen asleep,' she thought groggily, pushing her short brown hair out of her azure eyes. With college rapidly looming closer Anzu, as a senior, had little time to sleep.
What was the worst was the fact that while everyone spent all their time studying, with perhaps the exception of Jounouchi. Not to mention she was working a job that consumed most of her energy where she wore an itchy too-small skirt and repeated, "Would you like fries with that?". At least it wasn't Burger World anymore.
By the time she got off work she spent most of the night studying for exams that seemed to be pilling up- the exams that where suppose to help them for future college entrance exams. That is if one didn't have a mental breakdown before hand.
"College"
Anzu rose to her feet, slightly dizzy and sore from falling asleep in a chair, and trudged to her closet. She pulled out her wrinkled pink uniform out and stared at it for awhile.
It was kind of scary, college. Sure, she would be happy that she was finally out of high school and she wouldn't have to hide whenever a teacher or principal steeped into the restaurant she worked at. Plus her school's student counselor was an idiot and she would be happy never to see him again.
But it would also mean that they would leave each other for different colleges; it still amazed her that they all went to the same high school (she wondered how Jounouchi and Honda made it past the entrance exams). They would be separate: Yuugi, Honda, Jounouchi, and her, for such a long time.
Her even more so- she was trying to go to New York.
"Yuugi, I wonder what he will do without Atemu and us," she said sadly, smoothing out her spotless white undershirt. "He was so sad when he left, and now he will be alone. Perhaps New York isn't such a great idea after all…"
Anzu shook the thoughts out of her head. They had been friends since grade school, they would find a way to be together, they always did.
"After all, what would Yuugi do without us, he depends on us. We'll find a way.
"To be together forever."
*
~~Dancing on the tip of a pin.~~
*
"Wow Anzu you look like crap," a jovial boy with sandy blond hair nearly pounced on her back as a greeting.
She made a face, "Thanks Jounouchi."
"No problem."
The two of them made their way to a desk occupied by a spiky-haired boy. Yuugi was shuffling his deck under his desk, well away from the view of their teacher. It was an old habit of his.
"Anzu-chan. Jounouchi-kun!" Yuugi said beaming while he put the cards in his bookbag.
"Hey Yuugi," Anzu and Jounouchi chorused. Anzu leaned on the desk next to him but Jounouchi began looking around the room.
"Where's Honda?" Jounouchi asked.
"Last I saw him, he was walking with Shizuka," Yuugi replied.
"What?"
"Calm down Jounouchi-kun. She just didn't know her way around the school, it is her first year in high school, isn't it? Plus she only recently moved around this area" Yuugi said trying to calm him down.
"Stupid, pervert," Jounouchi seemed to foam at the mouth, "I'm going to find him."
Jounouchi half-walked, half-ran out of the classroom, fists clenched as if he where trying to crush something in them.
"Idiot, how can he call him a pervert when his apartment could be mistaken as a porno store," Anzu said shaking her head, yet Yuugi could hear her affection.
"That's our Jou-kun," Yuugi said.
He paused and seemed to think about something- and then shyly he reached for a paper that looked like it was nervously folded many times and gave it to her.
"Hm?"
"It's a flier for the carnival coming this Sunday. I thought you… and I… you know. Could… um," Yuugi turned a bright shade of red.
Anzu smiled, "I'd love to Yuugi, but-"
Yuugi's face fell.
"I have to go somewhere. There's an audition for a musical and they need some dancers. It could be really big for me."
Yuugi's face perked up again, "Really, maybe I could come? You know, to cheer you on. Where is it?"
"Okinawa," she stated and Yuugi looked at her surprised.
"That's a long way from Domino City."
"I know but it might be my only chance to hit it big here in Japan. If I don't make it, I might never get into college in New York."
At the mention of New York Yuugi's shoulders seemed to fall but his smile was still plastered on his face.
"Well… good luck Anzu."
"Thanks Yuugi-"
"Arg! Jounouchi, get off you loser!"
"Then stay away from my sister, pointy-haired freak!"
"I'll show you freak!"
Bakura walked into the classroom with a bewildered look on his face, "I didn't think people could bend like that…"
*
~But always falling down~
*
Sunday was looking gloomy, the skies darkened with a feeling of pessimism, black clouds crawled the expansive of the small city sky.
Contrast to the charcoal buildings, Anzu dressed in a colorful array- anything that would catch the judges' eye. She nervously played with her cropped chestnut hair and chewed on her bottom lip.
"Where the hell is my cab?"
She stopped clamping her hands since they where getting sweaty and wiped them on her crimson skirt.
"In America, people can get their licenses when they are sixteen." The thought didn't comfort her.
Finally a small car with faded paint that made it blend well with the road, pulled in her apartment building's parking lot. She ran to it and opened the door quickly.
She settled in the back, the old cab driver already knew where he was going, since she told him on the phone, so no words where needed. She sighed and settled as comfortably she could in the fake leather seats. Trying to ignore the lingering cab-smell, she played with the small beads on the back of the driver's seat.
"I shouldn't be so nervous. The judges can smell fear," Anzu heard it from her mentor, a cousin of hers. She was pretty sure that she was just joking, but you never could be too sure.
"I'm getting ridiculous," she concluded, laying her hands on her lap as proof that she wouldn't worry anymore.
"It's raining," one of the driver's many failed attempts at starting a conversation with her.
"Yeah."
On one hand, Anzu was worried that it was slow her progress, but she couldn't help but feel relaxed listening to the soft patter on her window-shield. The rhythm-less beat of it comforted her and she closed her eyes. She always enjoyed the sound of rain.
Tap, tap, tap. Someone tapping on my window, wanting to get in
.She resisted the urge too look out of the window, it almost as if someone wanted to enter.
She slowly was lulled into a dreamlike state, her blue eyes drooped down, and soon they where closed. The world was peaceful, void of the worry she once felt…
"Shit!" the driver cursed and swerved to the right to avoid a truck driven by a man who obviously had too little sleep.
Anzu didn't have time to scream, she grasped the front seat tightly instead. She hadn't remembered to put on her seat belt, so there was nothing to keep her in place when a small red Toyota rammed her cab.
The cab began to spin in the small stream of the rainwater, until it hit the truck they swerved to miss before. The whiplash forced her head to collide with her window, the impact made the window shatter and small shards tricked down her face, cutting ribbons of red on her face.
Someone tapping at my window…
Anzu wasn't aware she screamed in pain. All she remembered was that she watched the colors melt into nothing, and she faded out of existence.
*
Dreams are always so funny.
It was impossible to dance on the tip of a pin, but I was still trying. I never stopped believing until someone took the pin, sneering. Sneering because it was impossible for me to accomplish such an idiotic goal. I knew I couldn't dance anymore, and I started to cry, I just couldn't stop. And I began to drown…
There was a tap of my shoulder, a tap, tap, tap. Someone tried to get my attention.
*
Anzu didn't remember if she had ever seen so much white before.
White is often associated with purity, that's because it is such an empty color. White reflects all colors off; it in itself has nothing.
The first thought that crossed her mind was, 'Did I make it passed the auditions?'. Slowly a trickle of memories came back, slowly but surely.
She looked to her left, if I hadn't been so clean, so sterile, she would have guessed it was a prison. Four blank walls, a window, and a small bed she was lying on. There were some colors though, from the many tubes that ran through and around her, intertwined like vines.
Her eyes moved slowly and she saw a man sitting next to her staring sadly at the window. She knew it was her dad but she was sure he was at business trip, yet he was here. How long had she been asleep?
"I must be at a hospital. What time is it? I can't believe I missed the audition!"'
A flood of thoughts washed over and she tried to rise up, only she couldn't. She became aware of a searing pain that spread across the vast of her body. Everything ached, she couldn't lift a finger if she wanted too.
"Anzu!" her father cried seeing that she was awake, his voice coarse with emotion. He hugged Anzu as if he himself was keeping her soul into her body.
"Daddy?" she murmured, her pain echoing across her body at her father's touch. Something was wrong.
The pain… something was definitely wrong.
"Sorry honey," he said letting go of her.
"Daddy, what happened?" she asked him.
"There was accident honey…"
"I know that," she said trying to be slightly sarcastic- but she couldn't put too much emotion in her voice. There was too much pain.
"You were rushed here, the others died. It's a miracle you're still alive," he said it almost as if he was consoling her. Not because people died, because of something else.
Something was so very wrong.
Her father was never an emotional man; he had always been distant. Whatever was wrong, her father would not tell.
"Dad, where's mom?"
"At work."
"Dad, what going-"
"Excuse me," a woman said apologetically. She never saw her dad so relieved to see anyone before, "There's someone to see Mazaki Anzu."
"Ah, bring them in!" he said eagerly, "They'll keep you company and I'll go phone your mother."
Anzu didn't mention that she knew he carried a cell phone. He took long, quick strides out of the door.
"Anzu?" a small, slightly childish voice wavered into her room.
'Yuugi…'
Sure enough, he wandered in the room tentatively, tiptoeing as if he was afraid to make too much noise.
"Anzu!" Honda and Jounouchi bellowed together and rushed in, Yuugi had to jump out of the way. Anzu couldn't bring herself to smile.
"Here Anzu," Yuugi was slightly pink and handed Anzu a vase of white flowers, "We didn't know you where awake so we put then in the vase." It was a silly vase, it was decorated like a large puzzle with each piece having a picture of a Duel monster.
"Thanks Yuugi. They're pretty," she said taking the vase. After holding them hesitantly, Jounouchi took them and put them on a small white desk next to her bed.
"How's school been?" she asked after an uncomfortable silence.
"Like crap, Jounouchi wont stop following me," Honda complained loudly, giving his blond friend an aggravated look.
"Only because you wont stop pestering Shizuka!"
"Pestering? She likes my company, thank-you-very-much!"
"It's been fine," Yuugi said ignoring the bickering two, "Bakura is going a trip with his dad to Egypt. And If you think Jounouchi and Honda are bad, just wait to you see Otogi and Honda. He just came back from a publicity shoot in America."
"I can imagine. Like an old married couple."
"You know Anzu, you are taking this a lot better then I thought you would," Jounouchi said.
"Taking a lot better?"
"You mean you don't know?"
"Jounouchi- shut up," Honda said elbowing him on the stomach.
"Don't know what?" she knew it, something had happened, "Yuugi."
She looked at him, but he wasn't staring at her. Instead at her bleached sheets rather guiltily- at where her legs would be and she knew what was wrong.
Her whole body burned and ached from the accident, except her legs. In fact, she couldn't feel any part of her legs.
"No," she whispered and she tried to move her legs, but nothing happened, "God dammit, no."
She tried again. Nothing.
"I'm sorry Anzu. Your mom said something about your spinal cord being damaged."
"Dammit! No!" she cried again, tear burning their way out of her eyes.
"Anzu, it will be OK," Honda said trying to calm her down, putting his hands on her shoulder. She cringed away.
"Get out of here!" she shouted angrily, shocking all of them. Sure she yelled at them before- but not with hatred. And never at Yuugi.
"Out!"
Honda and Jounouchi glanced at each other and at Anzu before they left the room.
"Anzu, please. Let me be with you," Yuugi pleaded, sorrow filled his voice.
"Out," Anzu's head was down not staring at Yuugi or anything else so he couldn't see her face.
"Anzu-"
"Please."
Yuugi looked at her, his heart broken. He had never seen Anzu look defeated, he never imagined Anzu could be broken. And now here she was, not moving, tears cascading her face. But what could Yuugi do but leave.
All the times she's been there for him and she wouldn't allow him to help her.
*
She couldn't dance on the pin anymore, so she began to cry floods of suffering. And she began to drown in her own tears.
*
Her alarm clock rang, like it always did- the six o-clock demon. Anzu got dressed as she usually did, in her normal pink and blue outfit.
But it wasn't like before. She was… different.
A crippled. A gimp. She didn't know why they didn't just saw her legs off, without mobility they where useless.
She didn't know why they saved her, without dancing she was useless.
It sickened her to see her legs dangle lifelessly underneath her, so much so that she wouldn't even look down.
Where were her dreams and hopes now? Scattered on the floor, walked on like a carpet. Walked on by everyone but her.
She didn't know what was worse: the hospital, home, or school.
In the hospital, whitewashed soul, an empty shell. She didn't do anything but watch all the other broken fools.
At home she couldn't do anything but remember that she couldn't walk over and over again.
At school she was given the looks, the sad pitiful looks. Even Kaiba didn't glare at her as usual. It was disgusting, that every time they saw her, their eyes moved to the floor.
Or perhaps they would turn to their friend and whisper to them. Whispers, what was the point of that? It wasn't as if she didn't know what they where saying; it wasn't as if whispering lessened the impact of their quiet words.
Poor, tragic Anzu. Anzu who had always stood up to bullies, who worked hard for the student council, who had been so talented in gym- that girl was forgotten. It was only poor sad Anzu, how crippled she was.
She followed Yuugi and company to humor them, like the way they humored her by pretending not to notice she was crippled. But Anzu was detached from them, she didn't want to talk really. They knew that.
"Perhaps," Anzu thought, "I won't come to school today…"
She wouldn't get in trouble anyway, who would ever think about punishing a gimp.
Gimp…
"No," she said firmly, "I'm not dead yet. I can still try."
With a fierce, foolish determination, she did a pushup from her wheelchair and she grasped on the edge of a counter.
"I'll dance."
She moved herself across the ledge. She then shifted her weight on her legs, but they collapsed under her.
"I'll learn to dance again, even if it kills me."
She pushed herself up again, climbed up onto the counter. She watched her legs hang without confidence for awhile before she tried again.
And she fell again, hard onto the cold floor. A small trickle of blood formed onto her bottom lip, but she wiped it away and tried again.
"I've never failed at things I've tried at. Why should this be any different?"
Her arms were becoming sore but she ignored her pain and climbed the counter again. With one of her arms across the counter, she tried again to stand.
"Dammit I can do this!"
A soft hesitant knocking at the door interrupted her mental cursing, she knew who it was. She wanted to tell him to go away, but she didn't have enough heart to, she didn't want to hurt him anymore. She would just stay silent.
Another tapping; he just wouldn't go away.
She heard to door creak open and saw Yuugi walk in.
"Anzu? Are you OK!" he saw her on the floor and rushed to her side.
"I'm fine Yuugi. Just go to school."
"I'm here to walk with you," he said frowning a bit. Anzu decided that frowning didn't go well with his boyish features.
"I didn't think I'm going today. I have other things to do."
Yuugi's frown deepened and worry spread to his eyes.
"What where you doing on the floor?"
"Crawling." Anzu's voice was bitter.
"Why?"
"You always crawl before you walk, right?" her sorrow thickened at her throat. Then without solid resolve she crawled up the counters again. Then she tried putting her weight on her legs, but they once again failed her. She didn't fall because of her tight grip on the counter.
"Anzu stop this," Yuugi demanded.
"I've always encouraged you no matter how impossible the situation, why can't you do the same thing for me?"
Yuugi was at a loss of words. This couldn't be Anzu, sweet Anzu. Sweet but hardheaded. Hardheaded but loving.
He watched her try again, this time she fell. When he tried to help her again she pushed him away, he was hurt.
It was an indescribable pain that lurched through his body. Uselessness…
"Why Anzu?"
The tears in his question grabbed her attention and she stared at Yuugi. She had made him cry, there was a point in time when she would beat kids up that made him cry.
"Look at me. Look at what I have become."
Yuugi's somber violet eyes stared right into hers, "Why does it have to be like this?"
"?"
"We've been together for so long. Before Kaiba, before Jounouchi, before the other me- Atemu."
Anzu looked away, shame rising from her heart.
"So many things happened since our freshman year. We've nearly died, we had people close to us taken away, we've been across the world. But we've always found each other by our side. Nothing could get between us. Now look at us. Just a car accident-"
"It's not just a car accident. Look at me Yuugi, I can't walk- I'm broken. I can't get out of my slump. I've even… hurt you. I can't be Anzu anymore."
Anzu felt tired, she wasn't sure it was because of her aching arms or because she cried- strange how people are tired when they cry. Anzu lowered her head the cold floor, clutching her shivering body.
She felt something warm envelope around her- a gracious love; it was little Yuugi hugging her, comforting her.
"Anzu, you know that it was my friends that inspired me to go on. I was only as strong as much as you cheered me on. You, Anzu, where one of the strongest because you where always there. I could depend on you, I never wanted that to change,"
She felt his tears fall on the back of her neck; they were warm.
"You where always there for me. Now I can be here for you."
"I've never failed at things I've tried at. Why should this be any different?"
"It's because… I was never alone."
"?"
Anzu, looked from the ground into Yuugi's wide innocent eyes, "Only as strong as your friends are… I guess I was so comfortable being strong in myself I forgot about you guys…"
Without warning she gathered the confused boy into her arms and rested her head on his shoulders.
"Yuugi. I'm glad you're here."
She felt him turn hot from blushing and she unwrapped her arms. Yuugi managed to look relieved and disappointed at the same time.
He then helped her up from the ground and towards her wheelchair. Anzu stared at Yuugi in surprise, she didn't notice how much taller he had gotten. True he was still short, but there was definitely a few inches she had not noticed.
"Ah, I must look like crap," she said smiling while wiping her tears. She sat back in her wheelchair, sighing.
"I don't really feel like going to school," Yuugi said suddenly. Anzu stared at him in surprise.
"Is that really you, Yuugi?"
Yuugi chuckled, "As far as I know. You know… I bet the carnival is still open."
"Oh good," Anzu said, "I wanted to check it out with you."
Yuugi wheeled Anzu out of her apartment, clicked off the light, and then closed the door.
"Thank you Yuugi-kun."
"Just repaying the favor Anzu-chan."
*
When all my air escaped my lips, and I was drowning in my tears… someone grabbed my hand and rescued me, wiping away my tears. And then he held my hand and we both searched for that pin so I could continue to dance.
*
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A/N: That was incredibly corny but I needed to write a Yuugi+Anzu to cleanse my soul. I guess it wasn't too far of though, friendship is the official central theme of the show/manga. Y+A isn't my favorite couple but it was too cute to pass up.
It actually took my a long to write it, I didn't know what I wanted to do for this fic. Then I've been incredibly busy but I promised myself I would finish this fic, I haven't written in such a long time.
Some things you might not know but probably do: Atemu is the name of "Yami" Yuugi. Don't worry, he isn't officially gone, that's just my prediction. Right now Atemu has a temporary body and dueling little Yuugi for his soul.
Random Y+A fact: Anzu first met Yuugi when they where kids, he gave her a gameboy to play with. She was so frustrated with it she threw it on the ground an accidentally broke it. Yuugi just smiled and the next day brought her an easier game. Isn't that cute? They continued to be friends even though her dad moves around a lot.
Anyway I did a little research with this story: www. Good info if you want to write any fiction where they go to school in Japan. I recommend you read it before writing. I also tried to find the name of a good dancing college in New York but I couldn't weed out the bad to good ones.
Shameless plug-- www. Anzu shrine! I want you all to submit fics *hypnotizes them* Submit fics…. Submit…