A/N: For those of you who didn't see my notice in Tumblr, this entry and the next QW14 entries until Day 7 are late because I had to do things in real life. LOL. But I promise I didn't drop this. I will be posting the remaining stories and THANK YOU for reading this. I feel happy. You guys make me happy.
BUT I do have warnings for this one: (1) I may or may not have cried while writing this. (2) This could be the saddest thing I've written in my life. It beats the Dantana story I wrote. Wow. So, if you're not up for some sad stuff, I suggest you save this for another time. (3) If you do continue reading, just know that it's AU. Again, it's AU (and I may have bended the AU rules for this one, sorry!)
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Maddie walks to the front and stands behind the platform. She looks around her and sees her classmates looking at her, anticipating her speech. It's their second meeting for this class and they all have a task to complete today.
Think of one moment in your history that would have changed everything—that one pivotal moment that sent you here.
The people before her—Matt, Ashley, Catherine—they all spoke about how they came up with the decision to take Philosophy as their major. There's one kid—Andrew—who told the story of how he ended up in Columbia. None of them seemed to have impressed Professor Carlisle—and frankly, none of them have impressed Maddie either.
Her mom always told her, don't be like the rest of them. And she won't be.
Maddie clears her throat, briefly looks around, and then starts, "I'm Madison Nicole Lopez. I was named after a TV show character and a Greek word that means, victory of the people. I have two moms who think I'm their victory. So, basically, my name means Madison is the Victory of the People."
The class laughs for some reason and she smiles, too. She sees Professor Carlisle perk up on his seat. She's got his attention now.
Her Mommy is right, make them laugh first and then talk their ear off with your intelligence.
She takes a deep breath and releases it before confidently pushing through with her speech, "They say that the biggest moments that shift our lives happen in an instant—a twist in time, a missed minute; or a half an hour stuck in traffic could alter our lives forever. I'm Madison Nicole and I'm here today because of things that didn't happen."
.
(Just yesterday morning, they let me know that you were gone.)
The silence is deafening.
No one is moving.
The doctor's words struck them all like lightning: we did everything we can, I'm sorry.
Santana's father is a doctor. She knows what it means. She knows exactly what it means when doctors say they did everything they can. She knows what it means and yet she doesn't understand it.
It doesn't make sense.
The first sound anyone hears is the sound of Judy's sobbing. She breaks down on the floor with her hands on her face, her shoulders are shaking. She mumbles words like I'm sorry and I'm so sorry.
Santana feels her heart hammer in sheer anger.
Puck punches the wall, multiple times, and Mr. Schue runs to stop him. He breaks down, too. He cries and Santana hears him mutter things like I'm sorry and I should've been a better man.
Santana feels like punching him.
Brittany runs to Judy to hug her, her silent tears falling, too. She tells Judy it's okay. She tells Judy that there are places than this. She tells Judy that Quinn is okay.
Santana feels like yelling because how about the people she left behind? How about her? How about this world she left behind? How about Santana's world? How about that big gaping hole she emptied?
Rachel starts crying, too. Her wedding dress is all ruined now—a constant reminder that this should have been a good day. None of them was supposed to be here. She mumbles I'm sorry and It's all my fault.
Santana feels like slapping her—and all the hypocrisy in her body. Rachel Berry is so selfish and she hates her because if it wasn't for her cowardice to face the possibility of not getting into NYADA, they wouldn't be here. Quinn will be here, alive and whole.
When the doctor leaves, Santana realizes she doesn't feel anything at all. She doesn't cry because she can't.
When everybody is saying I'm sorry, Santana just wanted to say I love you.
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(THERE'S HOURS OF TIME ON THE TELEPHONE LINE TO TALK ABOUT THINGS TO COME.)
On the third night of Quinn's wake, Santana still hasn't cried—or said anything, or talked to anyone.
When Quinn died, it's like Santana left with her.
Santana just feels like she's in a different world, the one without Quinn; the one without the only person she trusted with her life. She's in a world without the only person who gets her. She's in a world without the only person who loved her despite it all.
And Santana has imagined lifetimes and futures, and an alternate universe where people had special abilities. Santana has imagined her second life.
Santana has imagined heaven and hell.
But she has never imagined a life or a world without Quinn.
This is her world now.
And it feels like she doesn't know how to be here.
It's like she doesn't belong here, like this world exists somewhere but it's not her world.
It's not.
Because Quinn's not here.
.
(I'VE SEEN LONELY TIMES WHEN I COULD NOT FIND A FRIEND.)
They say we die two times—one is when we stop breathing and the other one comes a bit later, when somebody says our name for the last time.
"Goodbye, Quinn," Santana hears Tina say in between sobs.
Santana just stares blankly as they lower Quinn's casket to the ground.
She still hasn't cried.
She still thinks she'd wake up and she'd laugh at herself for dreaming of something as horrible as this. Santana has prepared herself for so many things like unwanted pregnancy or college or supporting Brittany's kid from another man. But Santana's never thought of preparing herself for Quinn's death.
Or Quinn not being there when she needs her.
And somehow, out of all the many thoughts circling in her head, this one is the scariest.
How does one go on after a thing like this happens? How does one wake up the next morning and go to school knowing that their best friend will not be there that day, or ever?
Santana doesn't say goodbye to Quinn.
She can't.
She doesn't think she ever will.
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(BEEN WALKING MY MIND TO AN EASY TIME.)
It's funny how the mind works. It can make you believe in things that don't exist and it can make you deny the things that do.
Santana goes on like nothing happened. She throws everyone insults like she always does. She attends regular Cheerios practice. She attends all of her classes. She attends Glee and even sings a song to Quinn.
She still hasn't cried. She still hasn't mourned. She still hasn't let go.
When the school pays tribute to the youngest Head Cheerio in McKinley history, Santana doesn't attend the ceremony. She spends the whole time sitting by Quinn's grave. She reads the engraved epitaph:
Our story has no words in it but it's ours.
It's the first line of Quinn's unfinished poem—the last one she wrote; the one Judy found scribbled in Quinn's notebook.
Judy decided to let that be Quinn's epitaph. She knows Quinn would have finished it if she had the chance.
.
(SWEET DREAMS AND FLYING MACHINES IN PIECES ON THE GROUND.)
The New Directions lose Nationals, so does the Cheerios. Santana breaks up with Brittany and barely graduates.
Finn gets into college. Puck starts his own business. Judy gets back together with Russell. Russell runs for Congress, uses texting and driving as his main agenda.
Santana knows he never visited Quinn even once.
Rachel heads to New York and so does Santana. She waits tables and sings at bars—and most days, life just passes her by.
In all of the special nights, she'd sing Phoenix's "1901". It's Quinn's favorite song and sometimes, when she sings, she'd see Quinn in the crowd. It's in those moments Santana knows she's there—and for some weird reason, Santana finds comfort in that.
.
(I WALKED OUT THIS MORNING AND I WROTE DOWN THIS SONG. I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER WHO TO SEND IT TO.)
A year after Quinn's death, the truth hits Santana hardest.
She wakes up that morning just like every morning since Quinn left.
She pulls out her phone and types: Happy birthday, Q.
It's when she's scrolling through her contacts does Santana realize it.
She cries for the first time.
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(YOU'VE JUST GOT TO SEE ME THROUGH ANOTHER DAY.)
It takes Santana seven years to accept that Quinn is gone.
She visits Quinn's grave one day and talks about her new tattoo—a cursive handwriting that says, Lucy.
"You're such a bitch," Santana says, her tears falling down her cheeks.
A voice then speaks, "I think your friend will not be amused."
Santana looks up and sees a girl about her age—blonde hair, sweet smile.
Santana wipes her tears and chuckles, "This bitch is laughing at me right now for being so soft."
"Probably but she'd appreciate you being here," the girl says.
"How'd you know?"
The girl smiles at her as she puts flowers on top of the grave that sits a couple of feet away from Quinn's, "I don't. I mean, I haven't died yet or anything. Just a guess."
Santana laughs and the girl does, too.
When the laughter subsides, the other girl extends her hand and introduces herself, "Hey, new girl. I'm Elise."
And Santana is instantly reminded of the first day of cheer camp.
Santana raises an eyebrow, "New girl?"
"I've come here at least twice a week for the past two years and I've never seen you once. You must be new."
Santana nods, "It's only the third time I visited."
"That's okay."
"I'm Santana."
Elise nods and they shake hands.
And Santana feels something again for the first time.
Santana thinks this is Quinn telling her it's time.
This is her world now—a world without Quinn but it's the world that will forever hold Quinn in it.
It's time.
.
"Did Santana and Elise end up together?" one of her classmates asks.
Maddie smiles, "They didn't. I'm right here, aren't I?"
The class laughs along with a round of applause. They bought her story and for the first time since the class started, Maddie sees Professor Carlisle nod in understanding. Maddie knows she's impressed.
Maddie also knows he gets it.
.
"Ms. Lopez," Professor Carlisle calls her name as she was heading out.
"Sir?"
The 50-something professor walks to her and gives her a small smile.
"How are you coping?"
And it still hurts when someone asks her that.
"Barely but it gets easier."
"And your mom?"
"She's gonna be fine," Maddie says with a heavy sigh. "Life keeps on going, doesn't it?"
The professor nods, "And your baby sister?"
Maddie smiles, "Mom's always had complications with giving birth but Elise is very healthy."
"I'm glad to hear that. It's gonna get easier, Madison. You have your mom's strength."
Maddie takes another deep breath, "Nah, mom was a lot stronger than I am. But yeah, she always told me life gets easier by the day."
Professor Carlisle only nods as Maddie walks toward the door. Before she exits the room, Maddie turns around and looks at the professor, "Uncle Oliver?"
The guy looks up at her.
"The pre-school is giving mom a tribute on Sunday. You should be there."
"Is Santana going to be there?"
"She wouldn't miss it for the world. Mommy's been strong. It's the last thing Mom asked of her," she finishes and then walks out the door.
The moment she reaches her car, Maddie breaks down in tears. Out of habit, her fingers find that spot in her wrist where her new tattoo rests.
Lucy.
This is her world now.
A world without Quinn but will forever hold Quinn in it.
Title and all the (WORDS WRITTEN LIKE THIS.) are lyrics of the song called "Fire and Rain" originally sung by James Taylor but do check out Birdy's version because you will cry.
Shoutout to Joy and Jammy for reviewing every story I've written for QW14. You're making my heart happy and everyone who reads, too!
Sorry for rambling, I missed the Internet while I was in the mountains. lol