Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fic, except the jokes. Most of them. Some of them. Shit.
I'm writhing this for laughs, laughs and nothing more. Maybe reviews. Don't expect actual events. I'll love reviews. If you people want a say in what I do next, I'll try to put it in. But please, don't even piss me of with shit like 'Can you have Kain marry Umah?' Oh that reminds me, death to Umah's corpse.
-Sephiroth0201, proud owner of CAP wear. Canadian and Proud.
The Legacy of Kain: Not as Defiant as I expected...
From the shards of tattered dreams did Kain rise, in an unfamiliar bed, with the God of hangovers. He sat up, in all his demigod glory, and took a look around with horribly blurred vision. Red and gold tapestry, busts of women with large busts, and ancient vases decorated his sleeping quarters. There was only one place he could be– disco hell.
"Oh my unholy dark gods!" he blurted, then thought if he had just exclaimed himself to the world. He shrugged it off, his headache not improving with sudden thoughts. A voice behind him startled the war battered vampire. He spun to face the source. Umah?
"I see you are restored, now gimme some sugar!" She grabbed him by the wrists and threw him on the bed, not that Kain resisted. Of course the hangover eliminated the chance of using his telekinesis, and he was too dizzy to fight. Granted, the fact that she was undoing his pants kinda made him want to lay back. He did, and grinned. He twisted around and pulled a pillow over to him, and placed it under his head.
"I'm going to make you feel real good," she said. Strangely enough, she didn't sound like herself. More, old. Kain leaned up, suspicious. What he saw reinforced his previous belief.
He was in hell.
Leaning over him was none other than the Time Streamer Moebius himself. He grinned sweetly. "Hello Kainey-poo!"
Kain's reaction was instantaneous. "AAAAAAAAAAIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
****
The ancient vampire lord sprang up from under the bed sheets, in the same location, save for one, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL thing. No Moebius.
He checked the area one more time, and fell back, insanely relieved, and sighed. "Thank you, me. Thank you for only making it a dream... Now gimme back the Umah dream!" he demanded himself. Nothing. Clearly annoyed, he through the sheet off the bed and swung his legs off the bed. He rose to unsteady feet and cracked his neck.
Suddenly, the doors flew open, and an emerald skinned vampire tore through empty space. It was the vampire Vorador, number two in the Legacy of Kain series in my opinion.
"Are you alright?! I heard you scream like you were being molested by Moebius!" he cried out, rattled. Kain let his nerves calm, then felt rage boil.
His eyes glowed with golden fury, and he began to rant. "You scared the unliving crap out me! And it wasn't homoerotic, it was a nightmare! And if Moebius was molesting me, YOU COULD HAVE TELEPORTED AND SPARED ME THE MILD HEART ATTACK!!!" There was silence. Only silence, and not just in the mansion, noo... The entire Termagant Forest was deathly quiet, birds stopped chirping, cricket died of major cardiac failure and half of the Sarafan in the area ran like pansies.
The shorter vampire had leaned back during the ordeal, and had widened his eyes. He let the silence hang for a few seconds, before he spoke. "My.. Bad?" he attempted. It was a very vain attempt.
"Your bad? YOUR– hold the phone, I'm at YOUR place?!" he demanded. It all came together, the familiar tapestry, the out of fashion vases, the severe lack of 28 inch televisions... His composure returned, and a question formed in his mind.
"How the hell am I here?" Kain inquired.
Vorador's bald eyebrow quirked. "You don't remember? Damn, how much did you have to drink?"
Kain scratched the back of his head nervously, and chuckled. "Enough to make Malek look like the Sarafan Lord?"
Vorador whistled to that, impressed. Impressed that he didn't die of alcohol poisoning. "You were so happy about having the Reaver back, you invited everybody, even the Elder God."
An ethereal voice became present. " I am everywhere."
Kain didn't like the sound of that. "Then stay the shit out of my pants!" he bellowed.
The Elder made a sound similar to car braking a 140km/h. "Like there's anything in there!"
Vorador had to suppress a chuckle, and Kain was none to pleased. "Like you'd– wait, what did you just say?"
Vorador thought for a moment. "Even the Elder God?"
"Before that." Kain stated.
"Moebius?" He tried.
"After that." The almighty, mind you none too attractive ancient demigod said.
"Got the Reaver back?" He asked after another moment of thought.
Kain was as giddy as Zephon with a lifetime supply of Mountain Dew. He had the Soul Reaver, which explained the uncomfortable position he had slept in. His hand found the hilt of the blade, and he slowly drew it form it's scabbard. He brandished it before him, and cried tears of liquid agony, burning all the way down his cheeks.
"The presence of the Reaver in my hands makes up the blinding agony in my face, oh give me a kiss!" He passionately kissed the blade's built-in skull, disturbing even as perverted as Vorador.
"Get a room!" the green vampire insisted. Kain broke away form the kiss, and glared at Vorador.
"I have a room, now get the shit out of it." he barked. Vorador wasn't about to leave, however.
"Come with me to the living room, we have Canadian beer, and 36" televisions giving the best of Playvamp 24/7." He offered. Kain's eyes twinkled, and he dashed out of the room and ran full speed down the hallway. Vorador sighed and checked his watch. As he expected, Kain came running back.
"Third hallway on the left, sixth door on the right." Said the master of Termagant Forest.
"Thank you!" said the clearly overexcited Kain, and he flew through the hallways once again.
****
A man wearing only pants, his purple chain mail and archaic rune-inscribed breastplate occupying the seat next to him, popped open a bottle of Molsen Canadian and took a swig. He ran a hand through his close cropped brown hair. Think Temuera Morrison (Jango Fett).
He clicked up a few channels and found the news. It seemed with the disappearance of the Paladin Malek, a group of vampires invaded the Sarafan Stronghold and killed the remaining Sarafan army. "Never liked them anyway." Malek said with his New-Zealand accent.
The doors threw themselves open and one of the vampires that devastated his order the day before entered hastily. He skidded to a stop upon seeing Malek. They exchanged glances, and Malek tossed him a beer. "Take a seat." he invited.
Kain was glad to do so, and dropped down into the recliner next to Malek's couch. "You know," Malek began, pausing to give time for Kain to tune in, "That was one hell of a party last night. Hooked up with a keeper, and got black out drunk in fifteen minutes. I haven't had so much fun since I did support acting in one of Ariel's adult films."
The wielder of the Soul Reaver turned to him, very interested. "Ariel's done adult films?" He asked, grinning ear to ear. When he got home, she was going to have to watch one of those with Kain.
The Paladin rose from the couch and stretched. "Allow me." He walked over to the DVD Player and slipped a disc in. Before he could turn it on, Vorador addressed them.
"We'll have time to watch those later, now we need to deal with the Hylden problem." He said. Kain and Malek both groaned, who, having been hoping to watch the film, were forced into the affairs of war.
"Why the hell do I even listen to you?" Kain asked.
Vorador was swift to respond. "Because I can lend you a couple of my movies afterwards."
Kain grinned ear to ear. "Life is good."
***
Raziel was bound at the ankles and wrists to a revolving chair, waiting for the discussion between Moebius and Mortanius on how they would interrogate Raziel for information regarding Kain and the war with the Hylden.
The door creaked open and the two old men entered the room. He looked from one to the next, and spoke. "Do your worst, you'll get nothing from me."
Mortanius grinned evilly, and Raziel couldn't help but shudder. "On the contrary, creature. We have a very efficient method of persuasion. Moe?" The Death Guardian asked.
Moebius stepped forward. "Yes?" he asked.
"Deal with him." With that, Mortanius left.
"I hope my hips are gonna last." The Time Streamer said.
Raiziel mind swam. What did he mean, his hips? "Oh dear sweet Kain! You can't mean–" he gasped.
Moebius grinned, and Raziel could do nothing more than one thing. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2003 Meechan Studios Copyright
I'm writhing this for laughs, laughs and nothing more. Maybe reviews. Don't expect actual events. I'll love reviews. If you people want a say in what I do next, I'll try to put it in. But please, don't even piss me of with shit like 'Can you have Kain marry Umah?' Oh that reminds me, death to Umah's corpse.
-Sephiroth0201, proud owner of CAP wear. Canadian and Proud.
The Legacy of Kain: Not as Defiant as I expected...
From the shards of tattered dreams did Kain rise, in an unfamiliar bed, with the God of hangovers. He sat up, in all his demigod glory, and took a look around with horribly blurred vision. Red and gold tapestry, busts of women with large busts, and ancient vases decorated his sleeping quarters. There was only one place he could be– disco hell.
"Oh my unholy dark gods!" he blurted, then thought if he had just exclaimed himself to the world. He shrugged it off, his headache not improving with sudden thoughts. A voice behind him startled the war battered vampire. He spun to face the source. Umah?
"I see you are restored, now gimme some sugar!" She grabbed him by the wrists and threw him on the bed, not that Kain resisted. Of course the hangover eliminated the chance of using his telekinesis, and he was too dizzy to fight. Granted, the fact that she was undoing his pants kinda made him want to lay back. He did, and grinned. He twisted around and pulled a pillow over to him, and placed it under his head.
"I'm going to make you feel real good," she said. Strangely enough, she didn't sound like herself. More, old. Kain leaned up, suspicious. What he saw reinforced his previous belief.
He was in hell.
Leaning over him was none other than the Time Streamer Moebius himself. He grinned sweetly. "Hello Kainey-poo!"
Kain's reaction was instantaneous. "AAAAAAAAAAIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
****
The ancient vampire lord sprang up from under the bed sheets, in the same location, save for one, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL thing. No Moebius.
He checked the area one more time, and fell back, insanely relieved, and sighed. "Thank you, me. Thank you for only making it a dream... Now gimme back the Umah dream!" he demanded himself. Nothing. Clearly annoyed, he through the sheet off the bed and swung his legs off the bed. He rose to unsteady feet and cracked his neck.
Suddenly, the doors flew open, and an emerald skinned vampire tore through empty space. It was the vampire Vorador, number two in the Legacy of Kain series in my opinion.
"Are you alright?! I heard you scream like you were being molested by Moebius!" he cried out, rattled. Kain let his nerves calm, then felt rage boil.
His eyes glowed with golden fury, and he began to rant. "You scared the unliving crap out me! And it wasn't homoerotic, it was a nightmare! And if Moebius was molesting me, YOU COULD HAVE TELEPORTED AND SPARED ME THE MILD HEART ATTACK!!!" There was silence. Only silence, and not just in the mansion, noo... The entire Termagant Forest was deathly quiet, birds stopped chirping, cricket died of major cardiac failure and half of the Sarafan in the area ran like pansies.
The shorter vampire had leaned back during the ordeal, and had widened his eyes. He let the silence hang for a few seconds, before he spoke. "My.. Bad?" he attempted. It was a very vain attempt.
"Your bad? YOUR– hold the phone, I'm at YOUR place?!" he demanded. It all came together, the familiar tapestry, the out of fashion vases, the severe lack of 28 inch televisions... His composure returned, and a question formed in his mind.
"How the hell am I here?" Kain inquired.
Vorador's bald eyebrow quirked. "You don't remember? Damn, how much did you have to drink?"
Kain scratched the back of his head nervously, and chuckled. "Enough to make Malek look like the Sarafan Lord?"
Vorador whistled to that, impressed. Impressed that he didn't die of alcohol poisoning. "You were so happy about having the Reaver back, you invited everybody, even the Elder God."
An ethereal voice became present. " I am everywhere."
Kain didn't like the sound of that. "Then stay the shit out of my pants!" he bellowed.
The Elder made a sound similar to car braking a 140km/h. "Like there's anything in there!"
Vorador had to suppress a chuckle, and Kain was none to pleased. "Like you'd– wait, what did you just say?"
Vorador thought for a moment. "Even the Elder God?"
"Before that." Kain stated.
"Moebius?" He tried.
"After that." The almighty, mind you none too attractive ancient demigod said.
"Got the Reaver back?" He asked after another moment of thought.
Kain was as giddy as Zephon with a lifetime supply of Mountain Dew. He had the Soul Reaver, which explained the uncomfortable position he had slept in. His hand found the hilt of the blade, and he slowly drew it form it's scabbard. He brandished it before him, and cried tears of liquid agony, burning all the way down his cheeks.
"The presence of the Reaver in my hands makes up the blinding agony in my face, oh give me a kiss!" He passionately kissed the blade's built-in skull, disturbing even as perverted as Vorador.
"Get a room!" the green vampire insisted. Kain broke away form the kiss, and glared at Vorador.
"I have a room, now get the shit out of it." he barked. Vorador wasn't about to leave, however.
"Come with me to the living room, we have Canadian beer, and 36" televisions giving the best of Playvamp 24/7." He offered. Kain's eyes twinkled, and he dashed out of the room and ran full speed down the hallway. Vorador sighed and checked his watch. As he expected, Kain came running back.
"Third hallway on the left, sixth door on the right." Said the master of Termagant Forest.
"Thank you!" said the clearly overexcited Kain, and he flew through the hallways once again.
****
A man wearing only pants, his purple chain mail and archaic rune-inscribed breastplate occupying the seat next to him, popped open a bottle of Molsen Canadian and took a swig. He ran a hand through his close cropped brown hair. Think Temuera Morrison (Jango Fett).
He clicked up a few channels and found the news. It seemed with the disappearance of the Paladin Malek, a group of vampires invaded the Sarafan Stronghold and killed the remaining Sarafan army. "Never liked them anyway." Malek said with his New-Zealand accent.
The doors threw themselves open and one of the vampires that devastated his order the day before entered hastily. He skidded to a stop upon seeing Malek. They exchanged glances, and Malek tossed him a beer. "Take a seat." he invited.
Kain was glad to do so, and dropped down into the recliner next to Malek's couch. "You know," Malek began, pausing to give time for Kain to tune in, "That was one hell of a party last night. Hooked up with a keeper, and got black out drunk in fifteen minutes. I haven't had so much fun since I did support acting in one of Ariel's adult films."
The wielder of the Soul Reaver turned to him, very interested. "Ariel's done adult films?" He asked, grinning ear to ear. When he got home, she was going to have to watch one of those with Kain.
The Paladin rose from the couch and stretched. "Allow me." He walked over to the DVD Player and slipped a disc in. Before he could turn it on, Vorador addressed them.
"We'll have time to watch those later, now we need to deal with the Hylden problem." He said. Kain and Malek both groaned, who, having been hoping to watch the film, were forced into the affairs of war.
"Why the hell do I even listen to you?" Kain asked.
Vorador was swift to respond. "Because I can lend you a couple of my movies afterwards."
Kain grinned ear to ear. "Life is good."
***
Raziel was bound at the ankles and wrists to a revolving chair, waiting for the discussion between Moebius and Mortanius on how they would interrogate Raziel for information regarding Kain and the war with the Hylden.
The door creaked open and the two old men entered the room. He looked from one to the next, and spoke. "Do your worst, you'll get nothing from me."
Mortanius grinned evilly, and Raziel couldn't help but shudder. "On the contrary, creature. We have a very efficient method of persuasion. Moe?" The Death Guardian asked.
Moebius stepped forward. "Yes?" he asked.
"Deal with him." With that, Mortanius left.
"I hope my hips are gonna last." The Time Streamer said.
Raiziel mind swam. What did he mean, his hips? "Oh dear sweet Kain! You can't mean–" he gasped.
Moebius grinned, and Raziel could do nothing more than one thing. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2003 Meechan Studios Copyright