Quinn sat in the couch staring at the clock. She felt a pain in the palm of her hand but didn't look at it, she was so deep in thoughts that she barely noticed the discomfort. Rachel is going to be home in a few hours and she hasn't thought this through yet. She needed a plan to tell her everything but she couldn't find the right way. Maybe she didn't have to tell her just yet? No. No, Quinn thought. I have to tell her- NOW. Ouch, what's up with my hand? She heard the clock ticking as her mind was racing.
Yawning she was trying to count how many hours she had been awake. It must have been 26 hours, she had no idea how to fall asleep. Without Rachel by her side and being in this situation. She hissed as the pain in her palm got worse, being followed by a tickling feeling. She finally looked down. She had been burying her long nails in the skin of het palm where now was a drop of blood finding its way down her arm.
'Fuck'. She cursed as she stood up and made her way up to the first aid kit that was in the bathroom cabinet. She poured disinfectant all over the gap and took a bandage, draping it carefully. Cleaning everything up she heard her phone ring in the livingroom. She hurried there and found 'Rachel Berry' on the ID. She pushed her eyes closed and took a deep breath, keeping it in for a few seconds and exhaled thought her nose.
She answered the call, pushing the phone to her ear.
'Hello?' She said and opened her eyes.
'Hey babe! I just wanted to call to tell you I finally landed. I just have to wait for my luggage and I'll be home in an hour. Quinn, sweetie, I know you're not the best cook but I'm starving. I know I could've gotten something to eat on the plane but have you seen the price for some stupid potato chips?! It's insane! Can you just fix me something for when I get home?' Rachel whined.
Tears sprung to her eyes. Just keep breathing, Quinn.
'Quinn?' She heard worry in Rachels voice.
'Yeah, sure.' Quinn answered while wondering what it was that Rachel had asked her just a few moments ago.
'Quinn? Did you watch Grey's Anatomy again? You know that's not good for your mood.' Quinn could practically hear Rachel roll her eyes at her.
'Mhm. Yeah, sorry.'
'Are you alright?'
'Yeah. I'll see you when you get home, alright?' Quinn said quietly.
'Uhm, okay. I'll cheer you up when I get home, okay? See you later…'
Quinn threw her phone on the table and held her up by a chair. How on earth is she going to get throught tonight?
Rachel stood outside the front door, humming some song she just heard on the radio. It instantly cheered her up, because that's what music does to Rachel. It changes her mood. Music had always been her best friend, it was always there when she needed it. When she was bullied at high school, when college was being a bitch, when another audition turned into nothing, when her daddy passed away and her dad was a wreck. After that she ran into Quinn Fabray. Yes, Quinn HBIC Fabray… Only all grown up and even more beautiful than before. Now when she needed comfort, it was common that she turned to Quinn instead to music.
Rachel reached into her purse and grabbed a huge Toblerone bar. She knew Quinn loved it and since Quinn watched the only show that always succeeded in making her cry, this chocolate bar was the only thing that would make her feel better. As she opened the front door she sucked in the familiar smell of home and her girlfriend.
'I'm home, honeybuns!' She announced.
She closed the door behind her back and waited for Quinn to welcome her like always. But there was nothing. No sound at all. Weird. She made her way to the living room seeing Quinn sitting on the couch.
'Aww, baby. It's only a show.' Rachel dropped her bag and made her way over to her.
She gave Quinn the chocolate bar and kissed her cheek. Her eyes searched the blondes and when they did something fell into place. Quinns lower lip was trembling. She never got this upset by a tv show.
'What's wrong?' She whispered as her hand cupped Quinns face.
'I have something to tell you, Rach.'
'What? What's wron- Oh my god, are you going to break up with me? Why? Was it something I did?' Rachels hand fell back in her lap.
'No! No, I'm not going to break up with you…' Quinn grabbed Rachels hand and pressed it where it was only seconds before, her cheek.
'Than what it is?' Rachel asked.
'I want to tell you, but I want you to know how hard this is for me. Could you please let me finish before you start asking things?'
'Sure. I can do that.' Rachel nodded.
Quinn sniffed and closed her eyes for a moment. She knew she was about to break Rachels heart but she couldn't not tell her. She had to do this.
'There's something I haven't told you about me. When I was a kid, I was always very active and playing around. I was always full of energy and running around, climbing things.' Quinn ignored Rachels confused look and carried on.
'Until one day I just… wasn't like that anymore. I got tired from the tiniest thing and I felt sick a lot. So my mom took me to the hospital to have a full check up.'
Quinns eyes found Rachels. Rachel was patiently waiting for her to continue so she pressed her forehead to her girlfriends and locked eyes. She started talking in a whisper.
'I was diagnosed with cancer that day.'
Rachel stared in her eyes in shock.
'What?' She asked even though she understood everything Quinn just told her.
'Leukemia. Blood cancer, Rach.'
Rachel pulled back, rested her elbows on her knees and covered her face with her hands.
'Why didn't you ever tell me this? Quinn, this is important! These things are the things that a couple tells each other! Damn it!' She raised her voice at the end.
'Because I didn't want you to worry about me without a reason! I got better, I had treatment and I got better. It was hard and it took its toll on me but-'
'Wait a minute.' Rachel looked up. Her wide eyes were filled with unformed tears as she turned back to Quinn.
'You didn't tell me because you didn't want me to worry? Why are you telling me now?'
She got it. Quinn knew that Rachel knew now but she had to tell her. She needed to say it for Rachel to fully comprehend it but also for herself. So she could fully comprehend it herself.
'Because I've always been very active and full of energy. Jumping around and helping everyone out, until one day I wasn't.'
'No…' The unformed tears of only a few seconds ago were now falling down her face.
'So I went to the hospital for a check-up 3 days ago because I knew that it wasn't normal.'
'Quinn, stop.'
'No, you have to hear this baby.'
Rachel shook her head and pushed her head in Quinns chest.
'2 days ago I was diagnosed with leukemia.' Quinn tried to keep herself together.
'Quinn, no..'
Quinn grabbed Rachels shoulders and pulled her back trying to make eyecontact but failed. Rachel kept her eyes in her lap.
'Rach. Look at me. Look at me, Rach. Look at me.' Quinn shook her shoulders to make her listen but it only made Rachel sob harder.
'Rachel, I am sick. I'm sick. Do you understand?'
Rachel pulled away and stood up, pacing the livingroom. Quinn took this as a nice break of the hard conversation and sat back trying to calm herself down.
'But- but… But you got better. You can get better this time too, right? Like the last time, if you could do it back then, you can do it right now? Right?'
Quinn looked up to her girlfriend, her eyes all red and her nose running. This was going the wrong way.
'I don't know, Rachel. The treatment is hard. It's aweful. I don't know if I can do it again.'
The silence seemed to take forever. Quinn knew she said something bad but didn't feel like taking it back.
'So what? You're going to give this all up? God, Quinn, coming out was aweful and hard but we did it! And I would do it all over again if it meant that I could be with you because I love you! But you're going to give life away because of this? You owe this to me, Quinn! When we started this relationship you agreed to think about ME while making decisions this important! I AM in your life, do you understand that? You live here with ME. Quinn? Have you noticed?!' Rachel screamed.
'I know. I know.'
'I don't think you do. Listen to me. If you're going to give up on this, I am going to take back what I said before. I will not love you until the end of time. The moment that you decide to leave me without a fight, I will HATE you. I will hate you with all my heart! Do you understand? I will never look back at you and smile. I will hate you. I will hate you.'
'Okay, please Rachel come here. We'll talk this through-'
'NO, QUINN! I don't need to TALK. I need you to say that you'll do this. FOR ME. Because I need this. I need YOU.'
Quinn looked down at her hand, taped in. It probably still stung but she couldn't feel a thing. Rachel must've calmed down because what Quinn heard next, she did not expect.
'Don't you love me, Quinnie? Don't you love me enough to do this for me? Don't you want to stay here? With me?' Her voice already sounded hoarse of all the yelling.
Quinn looked up with a glare.
'That is mean, Rachel. You know that I love you but this isn't that easy.'
'I know. I'm sorry.' Rachel said quietly, bowing her head.
Quinn took a deep breath and decided.
'I'll try. Rach, I'll try this for you. But you have to accept it when I really cannot take any more. Okay? Can you do that?'
'I'll try.' Was the only thing Rachel could say.