As it turns out, the summaries are supposed to be G-rated. I didn't think about that, and therefore used the word "masturbate" in my summary. Oops. Sorry to the children out there. Really sorry. Anyway, the original Peter Pettigrew Fan Clubwas taken down, and now I am taking the opportunity to revamp the story and repost it. This time, I'm separating the phases, so there'll be five chapters. Exciting, huh?

It's rated M to be safe-pardon my nervousness; I already had this story taken down once.

To all newcomers to the story, I just want to say, this story was written to vindicate Peter. Many fanfics on this site will mention James Potter Fan Clubs and Sirius Black Fan Clubs, and sometimes the Remus Lupin Fan Club, but I've never seen Peter with a fan club. I find that Peter is treated unfairly in stories-either he rarely makes appearances or the author will just delete him all together (usually with the aid of a parenthetical rant in the middle of the story). I love canon, but I don't think Peter's respected enough-even JK made him fat and pathetic. I just want to give Peter the treatment he deserves as a marauder-and more than that, I'm giving him a girlfriend, which I dare say I've never seen before.

Of course, the story is not just about Peter, so those of you reluctant to read about a traitor, don't worry. There's plenty of Lily and James and more.

PHASE 1—The Plan

Do you want a sexy Quidditch player? Do you dream of steaming up sexy round glasses at night? Do you wish you could perform pranks on the Slytherins, sexily? Do you know deep down in your soul that you will marry a guy who will provide you with a sexy heir to your sexy family and who will defeat the not-sexy Voldemort?

Or, do you prefer a more mysterious, tall, darker, sexy man? Do you have a passion for sexy flying motorbike sexy acrobatics? Do you have a sexy fetish for sexy curtains, and dream of performing sexy BDSM sex, pretending to kill sexy men with those sexy curtains? Do you have a sexy libido for men with even sexier libidos?

Well, then the James and Sirius Fan Clubs are for you! Meet other girls with the same love and devotion for James Potter and Sirius Black! Drool over, fantasize about, masturbate to, and angrily kill those other bitches who endanger your chances with these two classic sex gods. One day, they will love us all back.

(And to those who doubt the inevitable, well, we've got news for you. James and Sirius will love us back, even if it takes lots of rope, duct tape, handcuffs, and cases of Stockholm Syndrome.)

All are welcome! Even guys—we've heard some naughty stuff about Sirius! So everyone and anyone interested, come on down! (Except, not you Sturgis Podmore. There is now white stuff all over my picture of James and Sirius in a sexy naked man hug. It was a work of art, and now it is ruined.) So, unless you're Sturgis Podmore, please come! Prove McGonagall wrong—that we're a real club! And James and Sirius, you two are MORE than welcome.

Meetings are on Tuesdays and Thursdays, at 4:00 p.m. for James, 5:00 p.m. for Sirius, in the Potions Room, with our incredibly dedicated sponsor, Professor Slughorn.

And remember, I, as always, get first dibs.

Sincerely/Love to James and Sirius,

Rita Skeeter, Marauder Fan Club President

P.S. For those of you more interested in steamy back-of-the-library sexy sex scenes, we have also just started, due to fair demand (and somehow, though I'm not quite sure, the persistence of a three year old named "Tonks"), the Remus Lupin Fan Club will meet on Wednesdays at 6:00, in the library with Madam Pince, and much chocolate will be available.

"So, what's the point of showing this to me again?"

"Because it doesn't mention me once!" Peter Pettigrew cried, brandishing the neon pink flyer right in front of Marlene's face.

"Peter, there are lots of things that don't mention you. I doubt any of the other notices on the bulletin board mention you. So why are you interrupting my studying for this?"

"It says it's the Marauder Fan Club! They love Padfoot and Prongs, and even Moony, but how can it be the Marauder Fan Club if they don't include me?"

"Peter, I'm sorry to break it to you, but most of the first and second years don't even know you exist, much less that you're a marauder. Some of the upperclassmen have forgotten you're a marauder—and I'm not completely sure that's by accident. I'm really not surprised you're not on there, and you shouldn't be either. Now, can I get back to Transfiguration?"

"See, that's exactly my problem!"

"That I'm trying to read chapter seven?"

"No! That no one knows who I am! It's a complete travesty!"

"Um… I have more important things to worry about. Like passing my NEWTs. Is there a point to this spiel?"

"Well, I wanted a favor."

"Then I have a few questions for you."

"Then I've got a few answers for you."

"Shut up. I'm talking right now. Question A: does this favor actually require me to try? Question B: does this favor require me to stop studying? Question C: do I have to kiss you, or pretend to kiss you, or even like you in any way, shape or form? And question D: why the fuck are you asking me? Don't you have friends?"

"Answer A: yes. Answer B: depends. Answer C: no. But it would help if you pretended not to hate my guts. Answer D: because the guys would laugh at me, and I need someone on the inside. And you're the only member of the Marauders Fan Club who doesn't scare me."

"Okay, reply-to-answer A—actually, no. Fuck that. First of all, I am not in the Marauders Fan Club. I simply went to a couple of meetings in fourth year. I was stupid in fourth year, and had not yet realized how much of a douchebag Black is. Second of all, I don't intimidate you? What is wrong with you? I spent years building up my image, and now you aren't scared of me? That's fantastic. Note the sarcasm in my voice. Anyway, what's this so-called favor?"

"I need you to help me start the Peter Pettigrew Fan Club."

There was a pause.

"You're kidding, right?"

"Why would I be kidding?"

"Come on. You? With a fan club? That's like Lily saying yes to James. Not possible—no matter how hard you try."

Peter's eyes widened, and with tears beginning to pool in the corners of his eyes, he looked up desperately at Marlene, the lighting gleaming off his big watery eyes.

"You know what? Fine. Fine, I'll do it. But you have to promise me you will never make that face again. Okay?" Marlene sighed, offering her hand to shake on the deal.

Peter's eyes widened even more—something Marlene didn't think possible. It was like pale mushy blue things bulging out of his eye sockets. She'd definitely have to work on that.

"Thankyouthankyouthankyou THANK YOU!" Peter exclaimed, taking Marlene's outstretched hand with both hands, before he decided on a nice, tight, breath-defying hug.

"Okay… can't… breathe…. Peter… you… can… let… go… now…"

"Whoa… someone's having fun here. Quite sure you want Peter to let go, Marlene?"

"Fuck off, Black," retorted Marlene, who had burst out of Peter's embrace, and was now returning to her normal color, from the vivid violet she had been a few seconds ago.

"Fuck you? Oh, no thanks, McKinnon. I don't sleep with my best friend's girlfriends."

"But he sleeps with everyone else," Remus Lupin said dryly from behind Sirius. "And are you sure about that, Black? Didn't you sleep with Mary?"

Sirius sighed, slapped Remus around the forehead several times, and threw the copy of Jane Eyre from Remus' hands to the floor for good measure. "Dude… that totally doesn't count. I banged Mary a week and a half ago. You weren't dating Mary a week and a half ago."

"A week and a half ago? I thought it was fifth year!" Remus sputtered.

"Muh-moony… my man…. There are a limited number of girls in this school, especially since female Slytherins aren't really females. Even if I were banging first years, I'd have to go back for seconds some time. And you should be happy. Mary's good enough that I've been back for fourths."

"…fourths?"

Down went Remus to join Jane Eyre.

"Not again…" Sirius moaned. "Now I have to deal with a moping James and a dead Remus. Bugger it all. Ugh…Peter, you go take James and help him bury Remus somewhere."

Peter nodded, shook Marlene's hand one last time, and poked the depressed James Potter until he picked up Remus, and the two marched off.

"What's James moping about?"

"Oh, the usual. Lily said no. What else?"

"Doesn't he usually bounce back faster than this?"

Sirius laughed nervously. "Er… we may or may not have made him swear this would be the last time he'd ask out Lily."

"How'd you get him to agree to that?"

"Hey!" Sirius said, looking offended. "We're the marauders. We always have our ways."

"You told him he'd have to kiss Snape, huh?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You're not supposed to say that. It seriously detracts from the magic of it."

"Yeah, totally," Marlene sighed, twirling a strand of hair in her finger. "God forbid we detract from the magic, since, you know, magic's so special and all. I mean, we're not in the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry or anything."

Sirius pouted. "Fine. If you're not going to give me the love I need, then I'm going. Remus may be dead, but I bet he'll be kinder than you are."

"Ouch. That's cold, Black."

Black said nothing, but sort of harrumphed, turned his back on Marlene, and headed away from the table.

"I'll just go cry to myself in the corner, yeah?" Marlene called to Sirius.

"You? Cry?" Sirius scoffed. "You'd need a heart to do that." He turned around and stuck out his tongue at Marlene, who stuck hers back, and continued doing so until he had reached the section on experimental Arithmancy (you think a subject is as boring as it could be—and then you are proved very wrong) where he promptly fell over a chair.

And a shy-looking brunette.

"Merlin! Sorry 'bout that," Sirius said, as he hastened to pick up the brunette and set her back on her feet. "I was distracted by McKinnon's bitchiness."

"Black, this is the library. I can hear everything you're saying," Marlene said, not looking up from her Transfiguration textbook, not quite a meter away.

Sirius turned back to the girl. "Not that that's a good excuse. I suppose you'll just have to live with my eternal apologies."

The girl blushed.

"So, if I have to spend the rest of my life paying off this debt, may I ask your name, fair maiden?" Sirius asked—with a bow and her hands to his lip for flourish.

With a slight giggle, she said, "Alice. But if you're in eternal debt to me, then I should prefer you to call me Master. Possibly Mistress—but we shall have to see."

"I like this one!" exclaimed Marlene, from behind Sirius.

"Hear, hear," added Lily Evans, who brushed in next to Sirius, and sat down next to Marlene. "This definitely beats Herbology homework."

"Unfortunately, I cannot stay, for I must go help bury Remus," Sirius sighed, kissed Alice's hand, and loftily waved to Lily and Marlene before exiting past Frank, who was slinking in behind Lily.

Lily exchanged an enigmatic glance (or what she hoped was an enigmatic glance) with Marlene, as Alice gave a dizzy little smile and left to go find a friend, but not before pushing Frank to the ground.

"Oh! Sorry! I guess I'm sort of out of it today," Alice quickly apologized as she pulled Frank to his feet and stumbled off.

As Frank collapsed across from Lily and Marlene, the latter found that she had forgotten to fetch Transfigurating Things You'll Never Need and More. Marlene wearily pushed herself to her feet. "I'll have to beat you up later," was her farewell as she began her odyssey. (The only thing more confusing than the Dewey Decimal system is the wizard version; wizards were never ones for organization, as the liberal amounts of frog spawn found in various places of the castle suggested).

Frank hastened to assure her that they would not miss her. "In fact, while you're gone, I'm going to usurp your place!"

Marlene snorted. "Usurp? Nerd."

"You say that now, but wait till you come back!" Frank threatened, a smile threatening to ruin his poker face. "Lily and I will be painting each others' nails and talking about the latest Potter incident!"

"You mean the one where he got Peeves to follow Snape around and copy his every movement? Because that one was kind of funny. Snape had it coming."

"No," Frank shook his head, eyes alight with mischief. "The one that just took place five minutes ago. The one where he asked out Lily again."

Marlene's eyebrows shot up to her hairline. "But he hasn't asked her out since last year. It's been months!"

"Ten months, to be precise."

"Merlin, Frank. You are a nerd."

It was at that point, that the pair noticed Lily. To be more precise, they noticed the color of Lily's nose. No one was quite sure why—bets had been placed on both her red hair and pale complexion and on a spell gone awry years ago—but whenever Lily Evans got upset, her nose began to redden. Usually—whenever Marlene ripped Lily's shirts or Frank teased her about her strange fetish for ballpoint pens or she got an A on a paper—her nose only tinted a light pink, noticeable only to the trained eye. But whenever James Potter entered the scene, the faint pink became the deep red Marlene had affectionately dubbed "super red" that left Lily resembling a stop sign, or, as Sirius often snickered to the other marauders, the devil.

At this point, Lily's nose was in between poppy red and red wine red.

"I feel a rant coming on," Marlene whispered to Frank.

"Well, you know how Lily gets around him," Frank whispered back.

Lily scowled. "I can hear you, you know. And it's called allergies. I'm allergic…to Potter."

"Yeah, Lily, I'm not so sure you can be allergic to a human."

"Oh, when that human is James Fucking Potter it is more than possible. I swear, I get pissed off just being in his vicinity. He just—ugh—he just needs to get a life. Why can't he get it through to his tiny little brain that I will never say yes?"

"That still doesn't sound like allergies," Frank muttered to no one in particular.

"You know what Lily? Methinks the lady doth protest too much," Marlene crowed in victory.

"Do you even know what that means?" Frank looked dubiously at Marlene.

"Frank. You're ruining our argument." Marlene glared at Frank.

"I agree with Frank," Lily added, earning Frank another glare. "Do you know what that means?"

"I know enough."

"Prove it."

"It means that you are clearly hiding something."

"What?"

"You and James are secret looooovers."

"In your dreams."

"You just say that—but you're really thinking about when you and James can meet up in the Astronomy tower—no that's Sirius' spot—a broom closet, and shag each others' brains out."

"Yeah!" added Frank. "Trust me. I live with him. He likes you. You could get it on."

"Yay me," Lily grunted unenthusiastically.

"Oh! Oh! Freudian slip!" cried Frank. "Freudian slip! You enjoyed him asking you out again! You do want him! In a broom closet, tied up so you can do what you want with him! Oh! Oh! Lily lurves Potter! Lily lurves Potter! Lily lurves Potter!"

Smack.

Frank did not get up.

Lily glared at the body slumped on the floor. "Serves him right."

Marlene rolled her eyes. "You totally hit him wrong. I mean, come on, you got the edge of the head. The only reason he's out cold is because he's a weakling. I really am the only one in this group who knows how to hit people. Must I demonstrate?"

"No."

"Alright. So, what's the big deal? James likes you? What matters about that? If you like him, shag him, and if you don't like him, don't shag him. It's just that simple. Grow a pair and get on with it. I mean, what sort of pussy is afraid of James Potter?"

"Hey! That's"—

"Completely true. Ah… remember the days when Potter didn't scare the crap out of you?"

"Look… he just… I mean, he's Head Boy, and I don't want to spend more time than necessary with him… Just—just believe me."

"Fine. Whatever. Can I go get my book now?"

"And it was really weird. He only asked me out once. I mean, you know how he usually persists for a bit before leaving me alone? This time, he came up, popped the question, and then wandered off. He was kind of quiet…"

"Maybe 'cause you rejected him?" Marlene offered.

"Merlin, no way. You're funny, Marlene. I bet he was just PMSing."

"Since guys do that all the time."

"You know what I mean! Potter's so used to his adoring fan club loving him, that if I don't, then it's the end of the world! His ego's big enough without a fan club on the side. I mean, Agrippa, those girls need to wake up and see the light—that they live pointless lives and they need to go idolize a guy who loves them back and is way hotter."

Marlene looked up, as it hit her.

Wait, that was just the encyclopedia Peeves had dropped on her.

And then, it hit her again.

After realizing there was nothing to flinch about, Marlene realized that she had the perfect plan.

She leapt up from her seat (and, unfortunately for Frank, onto Frank) and ran off dramatically to the horizon to start the plot of this story without a word.

Unless you count Frank's groan (which almost sounded like a suspicious mixture between fuck and "Holy Agrippa! That hurt like I was being used as a xylophone while someone performed the Cruciatus curse on me while my innocence was being taken by a biker named Lard!") as a word.