I'm having major writer's block with the two stories that I'm trying to finish, so I decided to write a short one-shot to try and keep my creativity flowing. For some reason, I felt like writing about the Esther Labott case yet again, so this fic takes place shortly after season 19's episode "The Book of Esther". I was in the mood for some hurt/comfort.
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"Esther!"
Olivia's head shoots up from her work at the sudden shout, her gaze instantly darting across the office to the flailing figure on her couch and noticing that its occupant is no longer sleeping peacefully. Her youngest detective has spent the last few hours curled up beneath a blanket on the soft cushions, Olivia leading her over the sofa and tucking her in after breaking the devastating news that a bullet from Amanda's gun had been the one to kill Esther Labott.
The other woman had immediately broken down upon receiving this information, dissolving into a puddle of tears and heartbreaking whimpers, and Olivia eventually convincing her to lie down on the couch for some rest when Amanda had been in danger of passing out from excessive hyperventilating. The small blonde had drifted off into a fitful slumber after several minutes of tossing and turning, Olivia keeping a close eye on her as the skies had grown dark outside the windows and Fin and Carisi had left for the night.
Over the past little while, Amanda has settled down into a seemingly tranquil sleep, the low mumbles and quiet cries tapering off into the occasional snore, and Olivia had intended on waking her up soon so they can pick up their kids and head home to their respective apartments. She wants to talk to Amanda again to make sure she is okay to leave and can handle taking care of Jesse in her current state, debating whether or not to invite Amanda and her daughter over for the duration of the evening so she can continue watching over her.
Amanda has beaten her to the punch, however; awakening on her own before Olivia can even turn off her computer and rise from her chair, Esther's name being yelled repeatedly throughout the office and echoing loudly in the large space. Olivia springs to her feet, glad that she had thought to shut the blinds and lock the door earlier, intent on protecting Amanda's privacy as she deals with her overwhelming emotions and tries to work through what has happened.
She darts across the room and drops down to her knees in front of the couch, ducking out of the way just in time to avoid injury as an elbow comes flying toward her face and nearly clips her right across the cheekbone. "Amanda!" she gasps breathlessly, reaching over to try and grab onto the younger woman's shoulders without getting hit by any thrashing limbs.
"Esther!" Amanda screams again, her delicate features contorted into a mask of agony that has Olivia's chest aching in response, her hands closing around toned upper arms and tightening her hold when Amanda begins struggling against her.
"Calm down, honey," she urges softly, squeezing Amanda's arms in a gentle, repetitive motion in an effort to get the detective to open her eyes and come back to reality. "You were having a nightmare but it's over now. We're in my office at the precinct and you're safe."
"But Esther's not," Amanda mutters as she twists and turns in Olivia's grasp like she is trying to escape, the blanket landing in a heap on the floor after being kicked over the edge of the couch. "I killed her. I wanted to save her but I ended up killing her instead."
"It was an accident," Olivia says in a soothing tone, although she is close to tears herself now as she witnesses Amanda's second breakdown within the span of a few hours, feeling helpless and uncertain in the face of the other woman's immense guilt and utter despair. "You did everything you could to help her but sometimes these cases don't end the way we want them to."
"I'm a monster," Amanda sobs in reply, Olivia relinquishing her hold on the small form as Amanda rolls onto her side and pushes her head into the cushions, noticeable shivers running the length of her body as she hides her anguished expression.
Olivia sits back on her heels while she studies the quivering back of her subordinate, Amanda's shoulders shaking violently and long blonde ponytail splayed out in messy strands across the pillow. She reaches her hand out again, the gesture more tentative this time, and trails her fingers through the knotted golden strands as she attempts to detangle them.
Olivia has an uncharacteristic desire to keep touching Amanda; to impart some kind of physical care in place of the emotional comfort that she seems unable to provide in this moment, the younger woman far too traumatized by recent events to listen to reason. "You're not a monster," she whispers in return, although she knows Amanda is already disregarding her statement as soon as the words pass through her lips, watching as the blonde's shoulders hunch and feeling the slender body stiffen when she lets her hand run lightly down the back of the black sweater.
The only response she gets is a disbelieving snort, Amanda molding herself more firmly into the cushions as the acute shivers that have wracked her small frame intensify in force, Olivia leaning over to pick up the discarded blanket from the floor with one hand while keeping her other hand on Amanda's back. She tucks the blanket clumsily around the tiny ball that Amanda has curled herself into, trying to maintain physical contact with the detective as another soft sob pierces the air.
Olivia can admit to being completely out of her element here; all of her police training and experience with victims falling away to leave her feeling absolutely powerless and incapable of relieving Amanda's distress while still grappling with her own horror of what had taken place at the Labott house. The only thing she can think to do is carry on with her tender ministrations as she kneels in an uncomfortable position next to the couch and strokes her fingers up and down Amanda's back, listening to the ragged inhales and exhales of the distraught woman next to her.
"Are you doing any better, honey?" Olivia finally inquires after the silence has stretched out between them for so long that she is wondering if Amanda has fallen back to sleep, taking note of the late hour when she throws a quick glance at the clock. "Do you think you'll be okay if we leave pretty soon to pick up the kids? You and Jesse are welcome to spend the rest of the evening with us after I get Noah from Lucy's. He wanted to spend some time at her place after school instead of going home right away."
The questions seem to hang heavily in the air over their heads, Olivia realizing how ridiculous it is to ask if Amanda is doing better and is ready to leave when the younger woman is still curled up into a quivering ball of misery underneath the blanket, her tear-stained face remaining concealed by the cushions. She thinks it might be a good idea to call Lucy and see if Noah can stay there for a little while longer as she tends to Amanda's needs, contemplating whether or not it would be too much to ask the nanny if Jesse can join them as well so it will be easier for all of them to go to Olivia's apartment together at the end of the day, if Amanda agrees.
"I'm okay," Amanda replies in a shaky voice, Olivia stifling a sigh at the untruthful answer she has fully expected to hear and grazing her hand along Amanda's back again. "And thanks for the invitation but Jesse and I will be fine on our own. Frannie's waiting for us."
"You can bring Frannie to my place too," Olivia offers quietly, worried that Amanda will behave in her usual fashion and just shove all of her suffering deep down inside, choosing not to talk about it until the trauma starts coming out in more serious ways. "And if you're okay, why are you hiding from me? Why won't you turn over so I can see your face?"
"I'm...embarrassed," Amanda murmurs after a lengthy pause, her head shifting to the side just enough for Olivia to catch a glimpse of one bloodshot eye and a splotchy complexion, but still making no move to roll over. "I should have just gone back to work or left the precinct instead of having a meltdown in your office, falling asleep on your couch, and waking up screaming from a nightmare. You shouldn't have to deal with all of this."
"Amanda, you almost passed out on the floor when you tried to stand up from the chair," Olivia points out gently, tracing her finger in a soft pattern along the material of the other woman's sweater and trying to push aside the frustration that Amanda's behavior so often seems to cause her. "You needed to lie down for awhile and get some rest. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. And it's understandable that you would have a nightmare after everything that's happened."
"I can't even save her in my dreams," Amanda mumbles around a choked sob, Olivia shifting closer on the tiles so she is hovering right over the trembling form on the couch and wincing as her knees give an audible crack when she switches positions. "I should have just stayed awake since I got to relive the whole thing all over again as soon as I closed my eyes."
"Amanda, please just turn over and look at me," Olivia implores softly as she listens to the prolonged whimper of hopelessness that sounds after the blonde is finished speaking, biting her lip when Amanda doesn't comply but instead buries herself even deeper against the couch cushions like she is hoping the fabric will envelop her body and swallow her, allowing her to disappear entirely from sight.
Olivia staggers to her feet and gazes down at her crying detective, planting her hands on her hips as she tries to determine where to go from here and ultimately deciding that she needs to provide more physical comfort She eases her body down onto the remaining space behind Amanda, perching precariously on the edge of the sofa and hoping she can keep her balance and won't slip off onto the floor as she slides beneath the blanket and gives Amanda's shoulder a brief squeeze.
The younger woman's intense sobbing is proceeding to rip Olivia's heart to shreds and she is seriously considering stretching out across the cushions and spooning Amanda to make the noise stop, when the blonde surprises her by finally rolling over and gingerly resting her head in her lap. Amanda's tears are instantly soaking through Olivia's pants and she has to blink back tears of her own that are welling to the surface as she places her hand on top of Amanda's head and holds it there for a moment as if absorbing and sharing her anguish before stroking her fingers through her hair.
Amanda's immense pain is almost too much for her to take, Olivia swallowing hard against the lump that has risen inside her throat and smoothing her palm over a wet cheekbone, Amanda's tears smearing onto her skin. She knows how much Esther had meant to the other woman and how relentlessly and passionately Amanda had worked to save her from the horrific abuse she lived with on a daily basis, and the fact that Amanda had been the one to accidentally end her life after all of that effort was a sickening and grossly unfair twist to the case that no one had seen coming.
"God, Olivia, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Amanda cries through panting breaths, the hyperventilating starting up again as she struggles to breathe. "I shouldn't have pushed so hard with this case. If I had never gone to New Jersey, Esther would still be alive. She's dead at the age of twenty-seven and it's all my fault..."
"Come here, sweetheart." Olivia can't stand listening to the tormented self-blame anymore and grabs Amanda under the arms, lifting the smaller woman into a sitting position on the cushions beside her and pulling the detective into an embrace like she should have done earlier.
Instead of yanking herself away like Olivia expects her to do, Amanda surprises her yet again by melting right into her arms and leaning heavily against her chest, a small, damp face pressing into her neck and wisps of Amanda's hair tickling her chin. They cling together on the couch, bodies molded securely into one another as they rock back and forth, and it is the first real hug that Olivia can remember them sharing in all the years that Amanda has worked for the Special Victims Unit.
She has never been one for excessive amounts of physical affection unless it comes to spending time with her son or comforting a victim, but Olivia finds that she is in no hurry to pull away from Amanda; that she wants to keep the younger woman safe and sound in her arms and protect her from any further harm. Shockingly, Amanda seems to feel the exact same way and makes no attempt to remove herself from Olivia's embrace, the detective snuggling even closer as Olivia adjusts the blanket to cover their entwined forms.
"You're going to be okay," she whispers into Amanda's ear when the detective's sobs have died down to sporadic sniffles and she is slumped into her taller frame in a more relaxed manner. "I know it doesn't seem like it right now but you will be. It's going to take some time but you'll be able to work through things and keep going."
"But will I ever be able to forgive myself?" Amanda's voice is hushed when she responds and Olivia's heart clenches painfully inside her chest because this is one question that doesn't have a definite answer.
"I don't know," she says honestly after a brief hesitation, brushing her knuckles lightly along Amanda's cheekbone and catching a stray tear with her thumb. "But I think you will, Amanda. If not now, then at some point in the future. You deserve forgiveness, especially from yourself."
Amanda gives a slight nod in return but doesn't speak again, and Olivia can only guess what is running through her mind as she tightens her hold on the small figure cuddled against her body, hopeful that her detective will eventually find the strength to carry on and learn to live with what has happened.