Disclaimer: These beautiful characters don't belong to me (nor do they belong to Gemma T Leslie, suck it) (jk don't suck it sorry). They belong to the wonderful, talented Rainbow Rowell!
Quick Author's Note: This is the first time that I write Simon/Baz, but I've got to say that I really like it. I love Baz as a character and Simon is... well Simon is. Anyway, I really hope you enjoy this... If you haven't read anything from Rainbow Rowell, may I suggest you read Fangirl and then her amazing new book, Carry On! It's a full book of Simon Snow and Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Grimm-Pitch. (And it's pretty much the best thing ever!) Anyway, thank you and please enjoy!
It's cold and there's nothing around but the smell of dead people. There are not actual dead people around, but there's a smell that I can't help but think reminds me of a funeral parlor.
I shouldn't be out here alone. I know that, but I'm used to it. My hunger pulls me into the woods constantly. And tonight, I feel like there's an extra pull. Almost as if someone is calling out to me.
The cold is biting through my coat and shoes, traveling to the tips of my fingers. I would probably shiver if I wasn't too preoccupied with finding food and worrying about the ugly feeling in my gut.
Something isn't right.
And now I'm not alone.
"Baz…"
It had been a very long time since I heard his voice. My stomach tightens and I let out a shaky breath. "Simon."
"Can you turn around?"
"I don't think I want to. I think I'm going crazy." I mumble. "If I turn around and you're not there, I might have to finally admit that I'm not alright."
"You can turn around. I promise that I'll be here and I promise that you'll be able to see me."
"That shouldn't be possible." I clench my fists and then unclench them. I can't believe this is actually happening.
"Well, obviously it is." Simon laughs.
I count to three, then count to ten because who am I kidding? There's no way that I'm ready to deal with whatever this is after three seconds. My eyes are still closed when I turn around to face whatever or whoever is behind me. "Are you still there?"
"Open your eyes, Baz."
I open them slowly and regret it when the cold chill hits them, but then I see him. He hasn't changed a bit. "How?"
"I don't have a clue."
"I saw you die, Simon." I take a step closer.
"That's the understatement of the century." He smiles. Crowley, his smile still hits me like a ton of bricks. I missed that more than anything.
"I killed you." I sob. I hadn't noticed that I'm crying. How could I when Simon is right in front of me? How can I notice anything other than him?
"You did."
"So how are you here?"
Simon, still smiling, walks the rest of the distance between us. "I don't know, Baz."
"This shouldn't be possible." I repeat.
"So you said, but I am here and it is possible. I know you saw me killed and I know that you're the one who did it. I know that you left me in the middle of the courtyard where everyone would find me." His smile falls. "Your parents sent you away… I know that, too."
"It was my dad's idea. Daphne really did try to defend me, so I guess, really, it was just my dad who sent me away. He couldn't handle his disaster of a son."
"Even though he's the one who had you kill me." His voice is quiet, but it still manages to wrap around me.
"He wasn't the one who asked me to kill you… but, I wouldn't put it past him to have thought up the idea. My dad always had a knack for finding out things about me and then using them to his advantage."
"Like that you were in love with me."
"Like that I thought my life would be easier if you were dead." I say.
"You didn't want me dead. You never really wanted me dead, so please don't lie to me." Simon rolls his eyes. "I don't know why I'm here, Baz, but I am. The last thing I want to do is waste my time with you hearing lies."
"It's not a lie. I did want you dead." I say, a little louder this time. "I couldn't stand being with someone like you. With being with someone who could ruin my life so completely, so easily. With being with someone who everyone loved and would die protecting. I couldn't stand the fact that I would always be the villain to your friends and that they were right."
He's quiet, so I continue. "I couldn't handle the weight of you being you and knowing that I loved you more than anything. More than I loved my-fucking-self."
My head is hurting now and I can already feel Simon drifting away from me.
"You're lying again." He doesn't seem to believe his own words.
"If I was lying, then why did I kill you?"
Simon doesn't say anything. He looks away, a slight frown is taking over his features.
"Is this even real?" I finally say. "It doesn't seem very real."
"I don't know. It seems real to me. Everything about this seems very real to me."
"Why does it feel real to you and not to me? That doesn't make any sense."
"It makes perfect sense, Baz. I've wanted nothing but to be back with you. You're here now, in front of me. You're close enough to touch and you're talking to me. We know what happened to us, there isn't an illusion about our past." Simon says. "It doesn't feel real to you because you remember the way my blood felt on your hands, you remember the way the light in my eyes went out and you remember the last words I ever spoke.
You remember every single thing about me, including things you don't want to remember. Of course, this seems like nothing more than a nightmare to you. If this was real, then you'd be lost and terrified and who knows what would happen then?"
"You don't know what you're talking about, Snow." I say. I'm done with this… whatever this is.
"I know more than you think I know, Baz."
"Because you aren't real and you know what I know. What I don't know doesn't really matter does it?" I roll my eyes. "You aren't real."
"Then what am I?"
"You're me."
Simon laughs at that. "If I was you, you wouldn't be arguing with me this much."
"I argue with myself a lot."
"Not as much as you argued with me."
I take a deep breath. I really don't want to have this conversation anymore. Not with Simon.
"You can leave if you want to. You're not required to stand out here in the freezing cold." His voice is traced with the bitterness that I'm used to hearing from myself.
"And where would you go if I just left?"
"I'd find out."
"You don't sound like you want to find out." I counter.
"You're right, I don't. I want you to stay out here with me until you starve to death. Then you'd be stuck with me in this whatever phase." The bitterness is still there.
"Why are you here, Simon?"
"To make sure that you remember me, I guess. Like I said, I don't know why exactly I'm here in the middle of a fucking forest, talking to the man that killed me. I don't know why I can't seem to just leave and leave you to do whatever the fuck you were doing before I spoke to you." His words come out as a hiss. "Why are you here, Basilton?"
I wince. He has never called me that. "I was out hunting, but something made me stay out here, I think. Then there was the smell of dead people and the bad feeling… I couldn't not be here. I couldn't leave."
"The smell of dead people?"
"I don't know how to explain it." I mutter. "Just dead people."
"Maybe it was me."
"Is it?" I look at him. It would make sense.
"Probably not."
"What are we doing here, Simon?" I ask, annoyed.
"Why do you keep asking me?"
I sigh. This is pointless. I don't know why I'm even wasting my time with this. It's not real. Simon Snow is dead. I killed him. My family made me kill him because they knew it would hurt the Mage the most. My dad made me kill him because he knew it would hurt Simon the most. Bastard.
I'm crying again. I can feel the tears sliding down my cheeks. It's a shame that vampires still have the ability to cry. It's especially a shame right at this moment.
"Baz…"
I don't look up. I don't acknowledge him at all.
"Baz." He says more forcefully.
I shake my head. Why can't he just leave me alone?
"Baz, please."
I finally look up. I couldn't ever truly ignore him. "What?"
"I don't know what this is, but I'm glad to see you again." He says, softly.
My chest hurts. I'm crying. I killed him and he's glad to see me. How incredibly fucked up.
When I don't say anything back, he continues. "I miss you."
He misses me. I killed him.
I love him.
I killed him.
He misses me.
"I miss you." I manage to choke out.
He's closer to me now. His hand brushes down my arm and I'm both shocked and relieved to feel him. "I don't blame you."
"You're lying."
"Maybe." He says, quietly. Almost a whisper in my ear. "But, not really. I don't blame you that you killed me. We always knew it was going to come down to us fighting each other. It's our fault we fell in love along the way."
"You should have won." I look at his eyes and it hurts to see that they're still the same shade of blue.
"Is that what you call this for yourself? Winning?" He's glaring now. It only makes him seem more alive.
"No." It only makes me feel deader inside.
"I never would have killed you." He says. I don't think he's aware about how guilty he's making me feel.
"I know."
"Which is why it's better that you killed me."
I lose my words. I don't know how to reply to that… other than telling him that he's an idiot. Which I do.
He laughs and it's music to my ears. My body practically soars. Or swoons. I've been known to do that in his presence. "It is better, Baz. I couldn't have handled this the way that you have."
"And how would that be?" I spit out. "How am I handling this, Snow?"
"Better than I would be handling it, Baz." He says. "You were always the stronger one between the two of us."
It's not a lie. I was always the stronger one, emotionally and physically. Simon was always oblivious to things that should have hurt him, but when he did catch on, he let it eat at him from the inside until he exploded. Sometimes literally.
"That doesn't mean I'm handling it."
"It does." Simon says. "You are."
His hands are traveling up my arms and I can't help but shiver. "Simon."
"Baz."
He pulls me into him. I don't know why I'm surprised by how solid he is. He was able to touch me.
I lay my head on his shoulder and cry. I don't think I had ever stopped crying.
"My Baz." He sighs.
"I never deserved you."
"Don't be ridiculous." He runs his hands around my waist. "You don't get to decide whether you deserve me."
"I killed you, Simon. How the hell can I deserve you when I took your life?"
"You did what you had to." He says. I scoff. "I'm serious."
"I know you are."
"I wish I was alive." He says softly.
For someone who is trying to cheer me up or whatever the hell Snow is trying to do, he sure knows how to say the one thing that will make me feel like absolute shit. "I know."
"I wish I could kiss you." Simon clarifies.
"You can touch me. Why can't you kiss me?" I ask, though I'm not sure I want to know the answer.
"The last time I kissed you, I was alive. It's not the same and I don't want to be disappointed." He says.
"Disappointed?" I pull back to look at him. He scrunches up his nose.
"I don't mean it like that." He says quickly.
"How did you mean it?"
"Baz."
"It's just a question."
"I meant it that I'm not alive and I'm scared that if I kiss you, something will happen that we won't be able to walk away from." He bites his lip.
"Do you think I can walk away now?" I say.
"I don't know." He's still biting his lip. I try not to think about it… about how his lips might feel right now. "Probably."
Thank Crowley that Simon is an absolute imbecile when it comes to words. It completely distracts me from his lips. "It wasn't easy for me to walk away the last time."
"Yeah, well, the last time wasn't easy for either of us." Simon mutters.
"It was plenty easy for you. You didn't have a choice." I roll my eyes. I'm angry again, but I already know that I'm not mad at him. I'm mad at myself. Mad that I gave in to what everyone else wanted instead of what I wanted. Instead of what would make me happy.
"Baz, it wasn't easy for me at all." Simon looks at me then. He really looks at me and I feel chills run down my body. "I made the hardest choice I ever had to make."
I stay quiet for a few seconds, but eventually say, "And what was that?"
"I didn't fight back."
"You didn't fight back." I repeat.
"I knew it was hard for you." He said. "So, I made the choice not to fight back. I made the decision to let you do what you needed to do."
"How selfless of you, Snow."
He frowns. "Call me Simon. Stop calling me Snow."
"How selfless of you, Simon."
"For Christ's sake, Baz!" He's cursing like a Normal now. He only does that when he's really irritated.
"You know, had you fought me… convinced me-"
"No, you do not get to do that." Is it possible for ghosts to cry? Because Simon is crying.
I sigh. I didn't mean to blame him. It wasn't his fault that I killed him. It wasn't his fault that I was weak and let the people I cared about manipulate me. "I'm sorry."
"I don't want to fight with you anymore." He puts a hand on my cheek. "We did enough of that when I was alive."
I close my eyes and nod. "Okay. No fighting."
Simon runs his thumb against my bottom lip. I purse them. I need him to kiss me. Right now or I might go crazy. "My Baz, what are we going to do?"
Stay here forever. I would stay here forever if it meant that I'd get to keep being with him. Instead, I reply, "I don't know."
"I want to kiss you." He sounds pained. I know the feeling.
"Kiss me." I say.
"I can't." But his hand stays right there on my cheek, with his thumb running along my bottom lip and me leaning into his touch. I'm weak. I'm absolutely weak when it comes to Simon Snow.
"Kiss me, Simon." I open my eyes and see that he's a breath away.
"Tell me one more time and I might." He whispers.
I know this hurts him, because it hurts me. I'm still weak, though. "Kiss me, Simon Snow."
He closes the distance between us and replaces his thumb with his lips. We aren't moving. His lips are simply on mine and mine are on his. We're too scared to move.
It's completely weird that I can feel his breath, but I don't pay too much attention. I can't, not when Simon has his lips right where I want them. "Simon."
It should break the spell, but it doesn't. He lets out a breath of relief, as if he was just waiting for a sign that I would still be there. That this would still be happening even after he kissed me.
His lips start to move and it's like time hasn't passed at all. I move my hands to his neck to deepen the kiss and he lets me. I could cry. I probably already am.
His kisses are erratic, like he can't seem to get enough. I pull him closer to me. I can't get enough.
"Simon."
I can smell smoke now. It's invading my senses and I'm scared. There are only two reasons why I would be smelling smoke. And I'm really not in the mood to burn tonight.
Simon pulls away when he notices the smell. "What's going on?"
I look around, but there doesn't seem to be a fire anywhere near us. "I don't know."
I look back at him and he looks more solid. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Simon." I don't know what else to say because I'm not sure what I can say. I honestly don't know what's going on. I don't know how to explain the fact that he seems entirely solid. That I can feel his blood rushing under my hands and that I can smell him.
"What's happening?" He looks scared and I can feel his heartbeat picking up.
"I can feel you. I can smell you!" I don't mean to yell, but I don't know how else to react. It's not every day that someone you kill comes back from the dead.
"Does that mean I'm… alive?" He sounds suspicious.
"I don't know. I don't know." I'm crying. I'm positive that I am, this time. "But, Crowley, you're here and you feel alive."
Simon pulls completely away to look down at himself. "How is this possible?"
I don't say anything because I don't want to say that I don't know again.
"Baz, I'm real. I'm really, really here. How can this actually happen?" He's close to hysterical and it takes everything in me not to pull him close to me again.
"Magic. I don't know." I frown, but it doesn't stick. I'm deliriously happy. It doesn't even enter my head that this could be a fluke. Nothing can bring me down right now. No one can pull me away from Simon Snow.
Simon flashes a big, goofy grin and takes my hand. He's warm even though it's freezing outside. "God, it's freezing out here."
I immediately take off my coat and hand it to him. I don't care about being cold. I care that Simon can feel that it's cold outside because he's fucking real and he's alive. "Take it. I don't need it."
Simon puts it on and my heart soars. He's alive and wearing my clothes. "I'm terrified that they'll take me away."
I frown. "Who are they?"
"I don't know. Whoever is in charge of the Veil or wherever I was. The people in charge of the dead."
"I won't say goodbye this time. I won't let it be a choice for either of us to separate." I may sound desperate, but I don't care. I am desperate.
"I love you." I say. "I love you with every single piece of me."
Simon pulls me to him. "I love you, too, Baz."
"I won't hurt you." I assure him, because I need him to know that the first time was just a lapse in judgment. A weakness. I need him to know that nothing in this ugly damned world will keep me away from Simon.
"I know you won't." He says. His hands are on each side of my face. I'm starting to think that he's obsessed with touching my face. I don't mind in the slightest.
"I mean it, Simon. I will never do a single thing to hurt you ever again."
"I know you mean it, Baz." He smiles and I can tell he's being genuine. "Will it make you feel better if we swore it with magic?"
"Will it make you feel better?"
"Baz, I already trust you. Stupidly, but I do. I'm with you whether we swear it by magic or not."
I don't know how this man could possibly love me. I'm a wreck. I'm a murderer. I'm his murderer, but I'm not strong enough to argue with him anymore. I just want to be his.
"If you trust me, then I'm okay."
"Are you?" He raises an eyebrow.
"I'm sure. If you want to be stupid, then I'm going to go along with it. I love you so damn much, Simon Snow."
He laughs and then kisses me. It feels like home. I am home. He's home.