I don't think about them much. They're there, I can feel them. Even though they have faded over the years, I can still feel some slightly raised on my skin.

The first time it happened I was thirteen. I was in high school and someone called me fat. I didn't let it bother me at first but the bullying carried on until I left school. I thought things would get better when I moved to Detroit but it didn't.

I felt like I was failing at everything; my classes, my skating practice, my coach and my family. Things didn't seem to get any better.

I remembered the first time anyone saw me do it. I was in the bathroom of Phichit and I's dorm room. I thought I had locked the bathroom door until Phichit walked it. Me standing there, with a razor in my hand, leg on the bathtub and blood dripping from my thigh to the tiled floor.

"Yuri?" Phichit said calmly. I'll never forget the worried looked that plastered his face. I didn't have anything to say. I couldn't say anything. All I did was pull up my jeans, grabbed my sneakers and left before he could say anything else.

I got back late that evening. When I arrived back, Phichit was sitting on his bed waiting for me.

"I'm not going to say anything to anyone Yuri. I'm not going to tell you to stop because only can do that for yourself. But please please please, try not to hurt yourself again."

His words stuck with me because after that- after seeing the horror in Phichit's face that night, I didn't want to do that to my friend again.

I was fine for a while. I kinda just ate my feelings most of the time, the amount I was skating, practising for my next competition- I didn't really put on the weight.

The next time after that was my crushing defeat. I practised so hard for that competition. The amount of hours and work I put in and I failed miserably. It happened that evening as I was getting ready for the banquet. Sadness overwhelmed my body and I just couldn't hold it in any longer, I needed a release.

I stayed in Detroit an extra year. The year I gained the most weight. I barely skated anymore, I wasn't hurting myself but I was eating a lot. I was thankful when I got to come home.

I remember showing Yuko, Viktor Nikiforov's "Stay Close To Me" routine. I felt good doing it because I remembered how much and why I loved skating so much.

When Viktor arrived to be my coach, I felt like I couldn't control my happiness. I couldn't remember feeling this happy. I couldn't remember ever wanting to hurt myself when Viktor was around.

I do remember the first time I was naked around Viktor in the hot springs. I was so afraid, so ashamed that if Viktor caught a glimpse of my scars he would run a mile. I don't think he saw them that day but if he did he never mentioned them.

Being with Viktor made me happy. I never wanted him to leave. The eight months went fast but not as fast as it took me to fall in love with him.

I got sad again when the Grand Prix Final came along and my hand touched the ice during my performance. I thought things were over. My mind was racing how much I was disappointing people again- myself, my friends, my family... Viktor. My mind raced when saw Viktor watching Yurio's performance. I failed him and I'm sure I was holding him back.

I couldn't cope that evening. Only this time it was Viktor who found me. Sat crossed leg on the bathroom floor of our hotel room in my boxers and a T-Shirt. Tears rolling down my face and blood rolling down my legs. I couldn't believe this happened. I'd been so good.

"Yuri what's happened?!" I could barely make out what he was saying. I just remember Viktor coming over and kneeling in front of me shaking me by my shoulders and asking me questions. I remember Viktor cleaning up the blood on my legs and hands. I just sat there limp and lifeless. I failed people again.

Viktor hauled me up of the floor after wrapping my legs in bandages. I rested my arm on his shoulders as we walked to the beds. I passed out the rest of the night after crying for so long in Viktor's arms.

I woke up early hours that morning with Viktor beside me. The time I went for a shower and came back, Viktor was awake and standing on the balcony. He didn't say anything to me as he walked past to the bathroom. I got changed and waited for him on the bed to finish his shower.

Ten minutes later he walked back in with a towel around his waist.

"Yuri we need to-" I cut him off.

"Viktor I need to talk to you". He came and sat in front of me. "After the Grand Prix, I want you to stop being my coach. I'm going to retire from figure skating,"

His eyes widened, "but Yuri-"

"No Viktor listen. These past eight months has been the happiest I have ever been with you. But I'm so tired of feeling like I'm disappointing people. Disappointing you. And I don't want to be the person to hold you back from what you love."

Viktor just sat there with sorrow in his eyes. I didn't know what to say. I don't think he did either.

"Okay. I understand. I don't want you to feel like that anymore," he put his hands gently on my thigh, rubbing them gently with his thumbs. "I don't want you to hurt yourself ever again. But don't forget," Viktor moved his hands and picked up my right hand kissing my ring, "don't forget that I chose to be your coach, I'm choosing to spend the rest of my life with you, Yuri, because I love you. I'll stick by whatever decision you make." He leant forward, gently grabbed my head and kissed me.

We both lied in bed till our alarm clock went off. My head was Viktor's chest, he was twirling his fingers around my hair with his left hand and stroking my scars with his right hand. I knew I could get through this.

"Viktor?" I asked.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

Authors note

Wow ok, I haven't written anything in years.

Also, this was written at 3 in the morning on an iPhone.

I would just like clarify I do not romanticise self-harm or mental illness in any way.

Some of the things written are based off personal things that have happened to me- how I coped with self-harm, turning to food etc etc.

Let me know if you liked it and/or if I should write a Viktor's POV