A/N: This is done in a different style than what I normally write; let me know what you think.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in the fantastic Harry Potter universe.

I killed her.

I am going to die. I feel numb, empty, a shell without feelings or thoughts. She is dead.

It's all my fault.

She is gone. Beautiful fiery brilliant Lily is gone. Just like that. I've collapsed on the floor of my sitting room. I see a dark stain on the floor next to my face and recognize it. It's the stain from the wine I threw at the wall the night of her wedding to that boy. It's still here. But she isn't.

I killed her. I didn't lift the wand, didn't utter the terrible words, didn't watch the fear and terror in her eyes turn blank and expressionless. I didn't watch her try to shield her child from the monster. But I killed her, all the same. I told him of the prophecy.

I told him.

I told him I told him I told him.

I want to die. This is the most terrible I have felt in my entire life. Worse than when I called her a mudblood, worse than the night she was married, worse than when I heard she was carrying that boy's child.

I clutch my wand tightly in my right hand and rashly decide to kill myself. There is no reason for me to continue. There never was, not since the moment I insulted her, the moment I gave her a reason to despise me.

Then I hurl the wand across the room and start to cry. I'm a coward. I don't even have the courage to kill myself, yet I had the courage to tell the monster of the prophecy. Bitter tears fall down my face and I am reminded of my tenth birthday.

My mother gives me a present, a brightly wrapped box with a blue ribbon. I grab it from her excitedly and she scolds me. I say I'm sorry, then say thank you very much for the present, and then rip it open excitedly. It's the potions set I had asked for. The exact one I had been admiring in the shop window, and it's mine. It's the best thing I've ever received in my life. Then she ruffles my hair and says Happy Birthday Severus and hold on, there's something else for you, too. I hear her walk into the tiny kitchen. I hear her say something to my father, and then I hear glass breaking and a thump. I run to the kitchen and see my mother clutching her arm, my father livid behind her. I see a broken wine bottle on the floor next to Father. He scowls at me and hits me one, two, three times. I know he's drunk. He's only like this when he's drunk. He calls me names, terrible names that I don't understand. Then he picks up the cake my mother made for me and throws it at the floor. I see the white frosting splatter on the floor, the neat green writing still intact. Happy Tenth Birthday Severus. Then he picks up another bottle of wine and throws it at the wall, where it leaves a dark purple stain. He stomps out into the living room, and I hear him pick up my brand new potions set. I say please Father don't please put it down please please please. He gives me a mean grin and drops it, where the vials and bottles shatter, and the ingredients scatter across the carpet. I hate him.

I shut the memory out of my mind. I want to do something anything to make it right again.

But I can't bring her back. She's dead gone never coming back.

I know I should feel guilty about that boy, her husband, James. After all, I killed him too. But I think of how he tortured me a school. How he'd achieved everything I'd ever wanted and how I felt when I watched him kiss Lily. The way I'd felt when I saw the two of them by the lake one day, sitting together. Her head lay on his shoulder, his arms circled around her.

I clench my fists and bite my tongue from hexing him into oblivion. I think of how that could have been me, had I not called her that word. If I had never said that, had been more tolerant of her friendship with that boy, had shunned the Slytherins she hated, I might have been the one sitting with her by the lake. I might have been the one she married, might even have been the father of her child. And she wouldn't have had to die.

I can't even blame the Dark Lord anymore. I am the guilty one.

I killed her.

A/N: Please review. They really help me know what's working, and what's not.

thanks,

Laurie