Who Cares Which Came First? The Chicken is Drunk and the Eggs Are All Broken!
Isabella (The December Project)
NOTES…
On the writing of this story: This story was partially inspired by true events. Poor April… She's a bad mommy. The rest was planned in one night of sugar, revelry and music. There were casualties. But I got my comedy inspiration back! This is the result. Hope you like! First and foremost, this is a story, so not every line is screamingly funny, it's more "smiley face" than "rofl". Does that make sense?
On the timeline: This should be considered really AU. Timeline is around… recent…ish… in the manga, but I don't plan on having any spoilers. I really screwed with some stuff. (I imported Hinamori and exported a few others probably cause I couldn't write them even sort of IC.) Don't ask. Just take it at face value.
On dedications: The first chapter to my coauthors and partners in crime, April and Lyssa. Thanks for laughing.
On you pressing the review button: I'm not blackmailing anyone for reviews. I hate when people do that. If I gave you a smile, consider returning the favor. I like to have at least one review for every chapter so I don't feel like I'm writing for nothing, but people are pretty generous… usually. Thanks in advance.
On me owning Bleach: Le sigh. Not yet.
On OOCness: Yes. I am personally responsible for all these people being out of character. I admit it. I'm sorry. Bleach can be really hard in the way of capturing characters because they seem pretty complex to me. I'm just asking you to be gentle with me, I guess. Flames burn my confidence. I'm fragile.
On the pairings: Irony! I said "I'll make it random. Go my daringness!" So I pick the eight, I put boys and girls in alphabetical order, match those and… totally expected pairings. Ooh! Foreshadowing? I hope so… Anyway, here's what popped out.
Chapter I: Death Comes Swift Upon Chicken's Wings
Please, no. Anything but this! He was numb with terror, as if someone had taken his own Zanpakuto and shoved it through his throat… then clowns came and beat him with balloon animals until he was twitching on the ground… then he was dropped off a hundred-story building into an ocean of other… scary… things. He read it again.
'Home Economics Final Project'
So far so good. Big, flowing letters in the font of a teacher who had written it too many times before. Same old chalkboard that had once listed notes on nutrition and consumerism. That was when it was safe… but now… There was only disaster.
He scanned the room in thinly veiled desperation, hoping that there was someone who would be willing to allay his fears… or set fire to the school for a quick escape. He found Rukia first. He figured she was more likely to do the latter.
Rukia was busy drawing her bunnies at the moment. (Though in Ichigo's opinion, every day they were looking less like animals and more like the bastard children of a bear and a hollow.) She probably either hadn't read the board or didn't understand it. No help there. She would finish her 'masterpiece' if the world was falling down around her.
Orihime was chatting with Tatsuki and looking particularly giddy. Tatsuki rolled her eyes, but smiled. Women. How could anyone be excited about this? And was Inoue ever looking excited… She gave him a quick glance. Yeah. That was enough to know that she'd be no help now. Another loss to maternal urges.
Ishida seemed to be trying to stare a hole through the back of Renji's bobbing head. He obviously couldn't see over the mass of red hair. Ignorance was bliss. And Renji himself was… sleeping. Not dozing, but dead asleep on his hand, drooling all over the desk as he snored.
Hitsugaya was religiously taking down notes. As if being considered a genius in his own world wasn't enough. Though, notably, he was writing a little bit harder each time Hinamori leaned over to talk to her 'Shiro-chan.' Had everyone lost it today?
No one was coming to his aid. Ichigo read on.
'Family Structure: Caring for a Child'
He knew what that meant. A week of emasculation as some girl giggled and made cute faces at their 'baby'. A week of caring for some inanimate object and getting graded for degrading himself. He came to the conclusion that whoever came up with this was a sadist. Or a woman. Same difference. And the choice of partners was looking a bit on the slim side.
Options:
a. Inoue Orihime would surely get an A. She was just so… estrogen-y. All over the place. Like her hair… her face… her- Focus. There would probably be some unnecessary snuggling/mauling and talk of little babies and… cooking. NOOOOO! Option terminated.
b. Arisawa Tatsuki would probably land him a failing grade. She was hardly the loving mother type. Not that she wasn't… endearing in her own way, but she'd probably just lose the sack within two hours. Or beat her partner to a bloody pulp for not taking better care of it. He liked Tatsuki, but parenting was just out of the equation. Option terminated.
c. Hinamori Momo would- no. Hitsugaya would kill him before he considered saying a word to her. Option terminated.
d. Kuchiki… Option terminated.
It doesn't get much worse than this.
How wrong the poor idiot was.
She came hulking in. Nomura Yoko. Her reputation preceded her. She was known as the cruelest, most vicious substitute teacher ever to walk the halls of a school.
She was about one hundred twenty pounds of unadulterated, twice-divorced evil, pushing her glasses up to get a better look at her victims. Ichigo could practically feel the crosshairs aimed at him. A smile twisted onto her face, resembling a grinch who had just successfully stolen Christmas and was now gleefully strangling kittens. Forget three sizes too small. Tragically, Nomura-san was born without a heart.
Behind her, two unwilling volunteers were carrying bags of egg cartons. They looked petrified. One was crying.
And that was how the entire fiasco began. It was the beginning of a week of suffering, anxiety and inevitable failure for Kurosaki Ichigo.
://.end chapter
Endnotes: Please review!