A/N: I usually leave the suffixes to names but I can only remember how a few of the character referred to another, like Naruto to Sakura, Lee to Sakura, Neji to Naruto, and a few others. I don't want to use suffixes for some but not others or use the wrong ones so I'll leave them out for now.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto
Touch my Balls!
The day was nice and clear. The street vendors and various stalls along the market district were busy servicing the various Konoha citizens who were also out to enjoy the weather. Children were running and chasing each other down the streets or begging their parents for some dango or candy.
In the less inhabited parts of the village where vast plains and forests extend as far as the eye can see, were the training grounds where Konoha's shinobi usually went to improve their skills. The beauty of nature can truly be seen and felt here, the birds sang, insects and various critters roamed, and the trees swaying in the gentle breeze. Konoha is truly living up to its name. The tranquility of the scene was only disrupted by two particular shinobi sparring in a clearing in the forest.
One of the two wore the standard vest issued to chuunin class and above shinobis over a tight green body suit, the Konoha forehead protector tied around his waist like a belt with red cloth. His most noticeable features however, was his bowl cut hairstyle and extremely bushy eyebrows. Sounds of exertion and screaming occasionally escaped his lips as his silent sparring partner dodged, parry, and returned his attacks. The sparring partner was dressed in a long white robe that would usually be seen on some Shinto priest. On first glance, one would think that his choice of clothing would inhibit his ability to fight but it seemed he was fine. Compared to bushy eyebrows, whose moves were fast and powerful, this one was more conservative and mainly fought by redirecting his opponent's movements. Veins popped out on the side of his head, toward his eyes which were pure white.
Bushy eyebrow jumped back for some space, before launching once again toward his opponent, legs out in a spinning motion, "Konoha whirlwind!" White eye jumped to the left to dodge the spinning kick and before bushy eyebrow can recover, he lunged forward with his glowing right hand forward, fingers straight, aiming to strike. Bushy eyebrow's reflexes were quick, as expected of a Taijutsu specialist, as he ducked and used his right forearm to push white eye's arm up to dodge the glowing right hand completely, and aimed a punch with his left at white eye's side. White eye merely jumped back to avoid the rib crushing blow.
The two shinobi faced off from across the clearing, getting back into their stances once more.
"You've gotten faster, Lee."
"And you're as nimble as ever, Neji. As expected of the Byakugan and a jounin class shinobi, there are very few openings."
"Openings?" Neji smirked. "I believe you're mistaken, I never leave openings."
"We shall see," Lee responded with a smile.
Neji's hands gave off the signature chakra glow again as he crouched into position, left hand in front of him and right hand to the side. His Byakugan tensed.
Lee had his left hand behind his back held his right out in front of him, as if saying, "Come at me." Lee studied Neji for a little while. Despite how he acts and what others believe, Lee was an intelligent fighter. He was certainly not as smart as Neji or Sasuke or Kakashi, but he can hold his own. The Byakugan does have a weakness and Lee happens to know just what, or where it is. Lee bent his knees slightly in a crouch. The two teenage shinobis stared at each other, waiting. Lee already decided to attack first but he was waiting, hoping that Neji might drop his guard just a little if he doesn't know when Lee will strike.
Neji watched and waited. Lee suddenly disappeared in a flash of movement but Neji knew where he was attacking, it was too obvious. Neji twisted his head slightly to the right and through his Byakugan's near 360 degree peripheral vision, he saw Lee appearing behind him with his right leg up ready to drop kick him. Normally when an opponent attacks his blind spot, Neji would counter with Kaiten. However, Lee was closer to him than he anticipated so a Kaiten would not have the time to form up. Instead, Neji decided to just dodge and began twisting his body to the right and tucked his still glowing hands in. Lee's kick came closer and closer until Neji realized he would not be fast enough to dodge. Lee was simply too close. Neji raised his arms to cover his face while his body was still in the midst of twisting around.
It all happened so suddenly that Neji did not even realize what had occurred. He was anticipating Lee's drop kick and was ready to block but it never came. He heard a howl of pain and lowered his hands. Lee was lying about five feet away, both his hands clutching his jewels.
Neji was still confused as to what happened when Lee managed to gasp out, "I thought we agreed to never hit below the belt…"
"I didn't…" Neji started but he realized what exactly happened. The Hyuuga clan's fighting style, Gentle Fist, doesn't utilize powerful bone crushing moves that normal Taijutsu techniques relied on. Gentle Fist worked by injecting the user's chakra into their opponents to cause damage to the insides, so one would not have to hit especially hard, hence its name. Another special trait of the Hyuuga clan Gentle Fist was that one would not even have to hit directly. As long as one can graze his opponent with chakra, it can cause damage.
Lee had been really close to Neji on that drop kick, perhaps too close. Neji was planning to dodge by twisting out the way but upon realizing that he was not going to make it, decided to block instead. His body was still twisting and as he raised his hands to defend himself, they must have grazed Lee in his privates.
Neji began to think about the situation. He was never taught what would happen if he struck a man in that area with Gentle Fist. It shouldn't cause too much harm. Gentle Fist, like normal Taijutsu, merely causes momentary pain.
"That's low Neji…" Lee sputtered, still rolling on the ground with his hands over his groin. "I never would have thought you would use such underhanded tricks."
The fact that Lee questioned Neji's honor had ticked him off. "You were the one who decided to drop kick me. You were too close anyways; you should've positioned yourself a bit further back."
"Damn it, it feels like you shattered my balls or something…bastard…"
A vein twitched and it wasn't one of the Byakugan veins. Neji was a serious person and never one for practical jokes or pranks. It was because of this that he could not get along with Naruto like most of his peers. However, Lee had crossed a line and he was going to pay. "It isn't that bad," Neji said knowledgeably. "I merely killed off your sperm."
"What!" Lee yelled, seemingly forgotten about the pain.
"Of course, sperm will come back…"
Lee breathed a sigh of relief.
"But I stopped your testicle's ability to reproduce sperm," Neji nodded.
Lee looked up at Neji in shock. "You're kidding right?"
"You know me, Lee. We've been on the same team since we were twelve," Neji said seriously. "I never joke around."
Lee's expression of shocked turned to despair as he got up on his knees and crawled over to Neji. "It can be fixed right?"
"I don't know about that," Neji said to him. "You should have a doctor look at it, how about Sakura?" Neji had done that on purpose.
"Never!" Lee cried. "I can't let Sakura know about this! In fact, I can't let anyone know about this!"
"Why not?" Neji asked, mocking confusion. "As a doctor, she's obligated to act professionally in all scenarios."
"But if I really can't produce sperm anymore, that means I can't have any children!" Lee cried clutching at Neji's robes. "Sakura would never fall in love me!" In Lee's mind, he was seeing Sakura rejecting him and saying how since they wouldn't be able to have children, she couldn't be with him. Naruto was in the background chuckling, and for some reason Ino was also there laughing at him.
Neji merely looked at Lee with his usual serious expression, but inside he's laughing like a maniac.
"Please Neji, you have to do something!" Lee cried, tears streaming from his eyes like waterfalls. "You're the only one I can rely on!"
"Well I guess there is a way to fix it, Neji said as he rubbed his chin and closed his eyes in thought. "I just prefer not to do it, though you can ask any Hyuuga to do it for you."
"What is it?" Lee asked desperately.
"Well I stopped your testicle's ability to produce sperm by Gentle Fist right?"
Lee nodded vigorously.
"Then I should be able to fix the problem by apply Gentle Fist to your balls again."
"Do it!" Lee begged.
"No!"
"Why not?"
"That means I'd have to…you know…touch you down there," Neji did not have to feign discomfort. That was the last thing he wanted to do, ever. "And like I said, any Gentle Fist user can do it…"
There was a moment of silence. Neji relished in Lee's suffering. He knew Lee would never go to anyone with this problem, let alone another Hyuuga. If he does, he'll just embarrass himself. He might go to Gai-sensei but Neji is hoping that his words would disrupt his rational thinking. It apparently worked.
"No, this is between you and me," Lee said. "You must do it."
"No, that's just gay!" Neji countered.
"No one's going to know," Lee said hysterically. "It's just the two of us right now."
"That sounded even worse…"
"I will never tell anyone and you won't ever tell anyone," Lee reasoned.
"I don't care, I'm not doing it!"
"Touch my balls!" Lee begged.
Neji just stared at him, his turn to be shocked. Lee can be so straightforward sometimes. "I'm leaving," Neji decided, and pulled his robes from Lee's grasp.
Before Lee could do anything else, Neji had already jumped into the trees. He decided to let Lee suffer for a while before telling him that he couldn't really stop someone's sperm production. As he was jumping from tree to tree, he felt someone following him and looked behind him. Sure enough, Lee was on his tail.
"Please Neji!" Lee begged.
Neji cursed. Lee took this more seriously than he thought. He wasn't expecting Lee to follow him. He would have to try and lose him. Neji sped up, but if it's the one thing Lee has on Neji, it was speed. Lee chased Neji through the trees until they reached the end of the forest and the buildings of the village can be seen. Lee was still close behind.
Neji jumped on the roof of the nearest building, an apartment complex and from there leapt to another. He jumped down to street level and turned into an alley but even so, Lee still trailed him. He jumped back onto the roof of another building and Lee followed. Neji headed into the main street and hoped to blend in. The street was in sight and Neji jumped down from the building.
However, Lee had yelled out as he jumped off, "Neji, touch my balls!"
The people on the street looked up and saw Neji flying down. Ignoring their looks, Neji quickly transformed into someone random. Now it wasn't just blending in, Neji was hiding. Why would Lee yell out something like that, especially in public?
Neji suddenly felt someone grab him. He turned around to see Lee clutching his arm. "Neji, touch my balls!" he begged.
Neji stared at him in wide eye shock. How shameless can Lee get? He calmed himself, he had transformed so no one would know. "I'm sorry, you have the wrong person."
"I saw you transform Neji," Lee said. "I may not be able to do it but I can tell when someone is doing it."
"Young man…" Neji had taken the appearance of a middle aged man.
"Touch my balls!" Lee said. The people around them stopped and started to form a circle around them. Neji could clearly see them whispering to one another.
Neji shook Lee off and ran into an adjacent alley with Lee hot on his trail. He undid his transformation and turned right at the end of the alley to go onto another street. Lee was obviously undeterred.
00000
It was lunch time and Naruto and was enjoying his favorite food in the world, at his favorite stall in the world, Ichiraku Ramen. He had already placed his order and was now chatting away with the old man who owned this ramen stand and was making his meal, and his daughter who helped out.
When it was done, the old man handed Naruto the giant bowl of ramen filled pork cutlets, various sea critters like crab and shrimp, and vegetables. Naruto was a regular so the old man usually gives him more. As Naruto was about to dig in to his steaming bowl of delicious noodles, he heard the strangest thing being be yelled out.
"Neji, stop and touch my balls!"
That voice sounded familiar. No doubt about it, it was bushy eyebrows, but what is he saying? Naruto turned around and leaned back so he could push the flaps that covered the stall and looked down the street. He saw Neji running towards him with Lee right on his tail. Naruto watched them run across the front of the stall, as did everyone else on the street. Before they disappeared from sight, Naruto heard Lee yell again.
"Touch my balls!"
Naruto came back into the stall as he processed what he just saw, and especially, heard. The old man and his daughter, Ayame were just as confused.
"What was that?" the old man asked.
"Weren't they your friends, Naruto?" Ayame asked curiously.
Naruto decided to play dumb. "Nope, I don't know them."
The ramen didn't taste as delicious after that.
00000
Hinata, Shino, Kiba, and Akamaru sat under the shade of a large beech tree enjoying the gentle breeze that rocked the hanging branches above them. Kiba had decided long ago; when they were still genin to have team bonding days where it was just them where they just hang out. Today was one of those days and they had just visited their sensei, Kurenai. However since Kurenai had gotten pregnant they found themselves under the command of other jounin like Kakashi more often.
They were in a relatively quiet area of the village. This was one of the residential areas and it was the one that Kurenai lived in. They were currently trying to think up activities to do. Shino was holding the back of his right hand up where several small insects could be seen crawling around.
"Damn it Shino, can you stop playing with your bugs for a second?" Kiba asked, slightly irritated. "This is supposed to a team bonding activity."
"I can say the same to you about playing with Akamaru," Shino replied coolly.
"Akamaru is part of the team," Kiba retorted.
"If that is the case, then so are my insects," Shino said as calmly as ever.
"What the hell are you talking about? They're just insects."
Although one couldn't see because of the hood, Shino twitched. "And Akamaru is just a dog." Shino was angry but one could never tell. No one insults his insects.
"What did you say you bug freak?" Kiba stood in anger. Akamaru just looked at the two team mates, whimpering.
"Guys, please get along." Hinata said timidly, trying to get between the two teenage boys who were both standing by now. Akamaru barked in agreement and walked over by Hinata's side.
Before neither could say anything, they heard a sound in the distance. All four looked toward the direction the sound came from and saw a cloud of dust heading towards them. Hinata, with her Byakugan could already see the cause.
"It's Neji and Lee," she informed.
"I could smell as much," Kiba replied irritated. Hinata let it go since Kiba was angry at the moment.
The cloud of dust came closer and they could hear clearly what was being said.
"Touch my balls!"
Hinata and Kiba's expression changed to that of shock. Akamaru just barked. Shino was shocked as well but one could not see it on his face. As the two came closer, Team Kurenai heard what was being said even clearer.
"Touch my balls!"
Neji and Lee ran past them, either not noticing them or just chose to ignore them. Whatever the case, Hinata and team were glad they didn't stop. They wouldn't have known what to say. Before they disappeared from view again, Lee yelled, "Touch my balls!"
"What the hell was that?" Kiba asked, stunned.
Shino remained silent, their fight completely forgotten.
"Neji…" Hinata said with concern.
00000
Sakura browsed through Ino's family flower shop, looking for something to brighten up her room. Ino was tending to another customer at the moment so Sakura browsed in silence. It's funny how they were bitter rivals when they were young but they're practically friends now. They still argued every now and then but it wasn't nearly as bad as before. With the source of their rivalry gone, they realized how stupid they were for turning on each over something as petty as a childhood crush. Besides, they were both Medical Nins now so there was a new sense of camaraderie between them.
When Ino finished helping the other customer, she returned to Sakura's side. Ino led her outside to show her some new stock. "Has Lee ever given you flowers?" Ino teased.
Sakura sighed, "Yes, though it's always uncomfortable to get them."
"I bet," Ino chuckled. "He's constantly asking me about flower language when he's here."
"So that explains why all the flowers he gave had something to do with love…" Sakura muttered.
"How about giving him a bouquet of striped Carnations?" Ino suggested.
That's too cruel, even if it's subtle. Before Sakura could speak her thoughts, they heard a familiar voice. "Well speak of the devil," Ino said, looking down at street at the direction the voice came from.
Sakura joined her friend as well. She could see Neji running down the street with Lee chasing him from behind. Neji had a look of annoyance plastered on his face while Lee looked like he was crying.
"Neji, touch my balls please!" Lee yelled.
Sakura and Ino did not look surprised. Rather, they didn't know what to feel. This was a rather unique situation. As the two males approached them, Neji yelled out, "Just ask Sakura to do it!"
"Neji!" Lee whined.
Sakura turned to her blond friend with a smile. "You know what; I think I will take a bouquet of striped carnations." It looked like a pleasant smile but Ino knew what was hidden underneath. "And while you're on that, get a bouquet of Bird's Foot Trefoil for Neji as well."
Ino laughed uncertainly. Her friend can be scary when angry.
00000
Shikamaru and Chouji sat in a booth at their favorite BBQ restaurant, or rather, Chouji's favorite BBQ restaurant. They had decided to go out to eat since Chouji had just returned from a mission. It was his treat but Shikamaru felt like his friend was just going to eat his salary away at this rate. As it was, Chouji had gulfed down three plates of the deluxe BBQ set where as Shikamaru ate the equivalent of less than one.
They were enjoying their meal when they heard a yell outside. "Neji, touch my balls!"
The two friends stopped and looked out the window of their booth to the street outside. They saw Neji running across with Lee hot on his tail. Chouji turned to his best friend as they disappeared.
"What…" he began.
"Just…" Shikamaru cut him off. "Just let it be, I have feeling it's going to be troublesome."
00000
"Kakashi, it's time!" Gai declared. "Let's settle this once and for all."
"That's what you say every time we do this," Kakashi said with a sigh.
"You're ahead by one and I cannot have that!" Gai said with passion. "So what will it be, Kakashi? Taijutsu sparring? A race? Push-ups? Eating contest?"
"Touch my balls!"
Kakashi and Gai looked down from the balcony they were chatting on and saw Neji and Lee running across below them.
The two teens disappeared into the crowd again but not before Lee let a long cry of, "Neji!"
Kakashi merely continued to watch them but Gai suddenly perked up behind him. "I see, that's how youth show their passion nowadays…"
Kakashi looked at his "friend" with dread.
"Kakashi, let's touch each other's balls!" Gai declared.
"You're crazy," Kakashi said and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
00000
Neji continued to run. How long was Lee going to keep following him? Ahead of him, Neji can see the entrance to the Hokage's building, and beyond that, the cliff with the faces of the previous Hokages carved on.
This is getting annoying, Neji thought. He was going to make Lee suffer in his uncertainty for a day or two before telling him but if he was willing to chase him around the village yelling out that obscenity, it isn't worth it.
Neji had done it because Lee had called him bastard but he knew Lee didn't mean anything by it. Now he felt his reputation was even more stained. He stopped just in front of the entrance to the Hokage building and panted, catching his breath. Lee also stopped and panted.
"So, are you willing to touch my balls now?" Lee asked, still panting.
"Damn it Lee," Neji clicked his tongue in anger. "I was just messing around with you! Gentle Fist disrupts a person's flow of chakra; it can't stop your bodily functions!"
"But chakra is what fuels these bodily functions!" Lee countered.
"The effect of Gentle Fist is not permanent…" Neji said, exasperated. "I can't even be sure I killed all your sperm. In fact, I was just joking about that too."
Lee looked at him, not saying a thing.
"So you don't need to touch my balls?" Lee asked.
"No!" Neji yelled. "And thank you for yelling that across the village!"
Lee cleared his throat, "well I better get going then." Lee walked away; the awkwardness of the situation had finally reached him. Neji watched his team mate and friend walk off before sighing and walking the other way, back to the Hyuuga mansion. He'll apologize tomorrow.
Later that night, Neji was resting in his room when he heard a knock. He could tell from the silhouette against the moonlight on his sliding door that it was Hinata. Wondering what she could possibly want at this hour, he stood up and unlocked the wooden sliding door. Hinata was standing on the other side but for some reason, she wasn't looking at him. Neji had intimidated Hinata before but that was a while back and their relationship has gotten much better since then.
"What is it?" Neji asked.
"Neji…" Hinata began uncertainly. "I'm…here on behalf of father and the rest of the clan….and um…."
"What are you talking about?" Neji asked. "Was there a meeting I missed?"
"No," Hinata said. "Well I talked to father about you and um…"
"What?"
"We're…um…we're okay with your choices, whatever they may be, as long as you're happy…since father promised your father to take care of you…" Hinata said, now blushing profusely. She only blushed this much in front of Naruto.
"I don't understand," Neji said.
"All I'm saying is…me and father are okay with your lifestyle and relationship with Lee," Hinata said quickly. "We haven't told Hanabi yet but that's only because we feel she's a bit too young to know, though I'm sure she'll readily accept as well."
Huh?" Now Neji was really confused.
"We're completely fine with you being gay," Hinata came out with it. "Father only requires that you keep it to yourself and don't disgrace the clan in public anymore."
Neji began to understand what was going on now. "Damn it, Lee!" he yelled into the night sky.
A/N: Striped Carnations mean rejection and Bird's Foot Trefoils means revenge.
So how did this crack fic came to be? It all started when I was at my friend's house and we were looking at a Naruto discussion forum. There was one particularly thread called, "Neji vs. Lee" and we clicked on it. The first post had a fanart of Neji and Lee sparring. My friend noticed the particularly position the two were in; Lee was about to drop kick Neji and Neji was ducking with his glowing hands in perfect position to smack Lee in the balls, or at least graze it.
My friend said: smack him in the balls!
Me: Inject some chakra in there
Friend: it kills all his sperm
Me: it stops him from making more sperm too (I was laughing really hard by now)
Friend: and the only way to fix it is for Neji to touch Lee on the balls again
And that's how this fic came to be. I originally didn't plan it to be this long but oh well.